February 4, 2006 by s.z.

Nice Work If You Can Get It Via Atrios (I can't get the item link to work, but it's the entry titled "Sciencey") I learned about George Deutsch, the 24-year-old presidential appointee NASA press officer who taught NASA scientists what science really is. Anyway, it made me wonder how a recent college graduate in journalism got appointed to be a spokesman for NASA (which job seems to involve telling rocket scientists how rockets works, and the like).  So, I Googled some of George's columns at the Texas A&M Battalion, and I think I have a few ideas about some of the qualities which the White House was looking for in public affairs officer. 1.  A Spirit of Scientific Openness And as we learn from the column "Is Peterson's fair trial in jeopardy?," George is open to a lot of theories, including the one about Satanists killing Laci Peterson. Still, the defense's main theory -- that a Satanic cult killed Laci -- is actually quite credible. Several impartial witnesses have reported seeing a van adorned with satanic symbols and a man with "666" tattooed on his arm in front of the Peterson home in late December. The American public seems to dismiss this theory as ridiculous, but Satanic killings didn't seem so ridiculous in the 1980s, when Richard Ramirez -- The Night Stalker -- made California his personal hunting ground. Ramirez, who sat in court with a pentagram etched in his palm and often said "Hail Satan," adds a very real face to the idea of Satanism. Try convincing the families of his victims that Satanic cults don't exist. And was Ramirez a member of a Satanic cult?  Well, no - but that doesn't change the fact that Satanists could have killed Laci.  And Intelligent Design could be responsible for the creation of the universe.  They are both theories, and therefore, both should be given the same credence and the same respect that scientists give to theories like "evolution" or "global warming."  So, whenever you write about the Peterson case, you should mention that while Peterson has been convicted of killing his wife and unborn son, it's possible that Satanists actually framed him for the crime.  If you don't do this, young people would only be getting one-half of this debate, which would mean we had failed to properly educate the very people who rely on us for factual information the most.  2.  A Commitment to the Truth  Here's George with "Commission Findings Don't Contradict Bush" (a piece which seems to be missing from the Battalion archives for some reason). The ties between al-Qaida and Iraq are clear. So clear, in fact, that there is so much circumstantial evidence linking Iraq and al-Qaida that it would be hard for an informed person not to at least suspect Saddam's regime of having a hand in the attacks. [...] Cheney went on to mention evidence of a Czech intelligence report, which has yet to be confirmed or denied, that asserts that Sept. 11 hijacker Muhammad Atta met with senior Iraqi officials in Prague just weeks before the attacks. Well, the report was denied by the CIA, the FBI, and Czech intelligence, but Cheney has never denied it, so I guess it too stands as a viable theory. That's how scienceiness works in a Bushian democracy. 3.  An Ability to Look Facts Squarely in the Eye  "Unfounded Accusations" There is simply no proof to support claims that Rumsfeld orchestrated an elaborate plan to interrogate prisoners through torture and humiliation - such an assertion is laughable. [...] [I]t is absurd to think that the secretary of defense for the strongest nation in the free world would encourage torturous interrogation tactics in a war his nation was winning and at the possible expense of his political career. Even more absurd is that his well-thought and "highly secretive" plan would involve unskilled military reservists being ordered to pose for staged photographs with nude Iraqi prisoners. Yes, is is absurd to think the Donald Rumsfeld personally ordered the guards at Abu Ghraib to stack the prisoners in a naked pyramid and take photos of them.  Therefore, whatever happened there (and anywhere else where Iraqi prisoners were abused), must have been soley the fault of the low-ranking personnel who were court martialed for the offenses.  If you don't believe the former, then you have to believe the latter.  However, that "Big Bang" theory is all just so much speculation, and so you must credit God for personally creating the universe out of nothingness -- anything else would be absurd. 4.  A Contempt for the Liberal Media From the above column: For example, the discovery of the chemical agents sarin and mustard gas last month by U.S. forces was largely ignored by the media in spite of the fact that these chemical weapons represent the justification for war the Bush administration has sought for so long. Most of the liberal media has shown that it is so bound by partisan ideology that it would rather continue to subvert its own country's war efforts than concede any sort of justification for invading Iraq. This is a shame. By "ignored," I guess George means "reported in articles by CNN, the A.P., the WaPo, etc., but failed to claim that finding one inactive mustard gas shell and one old sarin shell proved that we were justified in invading Iraq." See, the important thing is that the liberal press isn't telling the truth, "truth" being whatever the President wants it to say.  And sometimes scientists don't tell the "truth" either.  And that's why we need Presidentially-appointed public affairs officers.  And if they are young Bush supporters from Texas, that's all the better. 5:51:21 PM

Your Tax Dollars At Work Via Agape Press, I learned about 4Parents.gov, a Health and Human Services site "developed at the request of President George W. Bush, and designed to encourage parents to talk with their kids about abstinence." After skimming the site, I realized that I haven't done my duty to you, my readers (we bloggers act in loco parentis to our readers -- the last blogger ethics panel was clear about this).  So, kids, let's talk about not having sex, using some of the 4Parents Conversation Starters.  (Well, 4Parents and I will  be doing all the talking, but you can chime in later if you want.) They never talk about STDs on that television show, even though they have lots of stuff about sex. Have you heard about anybody at your school who has gotten an STD? Well, have you?  Come on, dish on your peers -- I want to hear all the STD gossip!  Anyway, I heard that Jenny Roberts caught the clap - she's such a slut!  And they say that the Anderson boy's dick had a nasty sore on it a couple of weeks after he went all the way with that red-headed cheerleader ... you know, the one who has crabs.  There really are a lot of skanks at your school. Now, wasn't it fun to spread rumors and defame your classmates?  But remember, if you ever have sex, the skank everyone is slandering could be YOU! I heard that there was a wild party last weekend after the game. Have your friends been talking about it? Did you know that alcohol and drugs really increase the chances of having sex and geting a disease? How did I hear about that wild party?  Oh, I have my sources.  Warrantless wiretaps aren't just for catching al Qaeda affiliates, you know. I overheard a couple of kids from the neighborhood saying that, if you're dating someone, you have to have sex with them in order to prove that you're loyal and you're not cheating on them. Do you think that's what loyalty is about? How come I always seem to be eavesdropping on teens when they talk about sex?  Because I am, that's why!  I do it for you. Ms. Martin told me that there are five girls at your school that are pregnant. What do your friends think about teenagers having a baby? Yeah, Ms. Martin, your school nurse, is a great source of information about which girls at your school have buns in the oven.  We think that teenagers having babies is shameful and disgusting -- but what do you and your friends think about it?  (And you'd better not mention contraceptives or abortions, because this talk is about abstinence, missy!) Some guys go out for a good time over the weekend, and end up with thousands of dollars taken out of their paychecks for the next 18 years. Do you know how that could happen?  If not, let me explain how it works, son.  When a man and a conniving gold digger don't practice abstinence, the result is a brat you have to support until it turns 18.  Got it? I was at the store yesterday and ran into Kendrick, Mrs. Jakes' son. He joined the military after high school. What do you think you want to do when you graduate from high school? Son, instead of going out with girls, have you considered joining the Army?  You could shoot guns and ride in jeeps and stuff -- doesn't that sound like a lot more fun than having sex? Anyway, while I think that it's a great idea for parents to talk to their kids about sex (and about abstinence), I'm not sure that these government-sponsored ideas are the way to do it. Oh, and don't think that these tips on "What do you tell your teen?" are all that useful either: Find non-sexual ways to show you care (give a card or a nice comment). "Billy, while I won't have sex with you right now, please accept this Hallmark card as proof that I really do care for you." Find a keepsake to use as a daily reminder of your decision such as a ring, necklace, or a pocket stone. "Am I happy to see you?  No, I just have a chastity rock in my pocket." Well, that's about all I had to say.  I hope you learned something from our little talk.  Now get out there and be abstinent -- the President and the Department of Health and Human Servcies are counting on you! 2:43:08 AM

Conservative Parable Time Here's young Christian Hartsock with a little story with a moral -- he calls it "Emulating the Gipper." Let's say you find yourself fortunate enough to be stuck with a liberal roommate. Then one day your apartment becomes infested with sewer rats. You try to tell your roommate but he laughs it off and calls you a fascist. When the infestation becomes particularly prominent, however, your roommate insists on befriending the rats and begins providing them with generous servings of Swiss cheese. One day you come home and find your roommate lying on the floor and being assaulted by the vicious rats. Immediately, you manage to grab each rat by your hand and throw it into the oven. When the oven is inundated with every single rat that invaded your apartment, you turn it on and they begin slowly suffocating in excruciating heat. Instead of thanking you for your heroic bravery in saving him from the rats, your roommate snobbily remarks that you were just in the right place at the right time. Okay, your assignment is to interpret this parable.  Here are some questions to get you started on explicating it: Who or what are the sewer rats?  What did you do that caused your apartment to be infested by them?  Why did you come up with the idea of baking rats as a method of extermination?  Who or what is your snobby liberal roommate, and what is the Swiss cheese?  And what, if anything, does all this have to do with "Islamic subhumans," "the culture war (which is a virtual continuation of our fight against communism inasmuch as it is a fight against a form of communism that goes by different names)," and FDR telling Adolf Berle "to go f--- himself"?  And just what does this story have to do with "emulating the Gipper"? Get writing, kids -- this will account for 20% of your grade in Wingnutoloy 201.  12:38:13 AM