April 25, 2006 by s.z.

Manos, the Hands of Bush*

Tagline: It's Shocking! It's Beyond Your Imagination!

* Story by Scott C., Screenplay by Joel Eszterhas and me

As we all know, following Andrew Card's conviction on public indecency charges (I think that's what happened), he was replaced by Joshua Bolten, who is, per TIME, the "new sheriff" in town. 

TIME says that Bolten's plan to restore the Bush administration's luster and reverse its falling poll numbers goes a little something like this:

1 DEPLOY GUNS AND BADGES

This is an unabashed play to members of the conservative base who are worried about illegal immigration. Under the banner of homeland security, the White House plans to seek more funding for an extremely visible enforcement crackdown at the Mexican border, including a beefed-up force of agents patrolling on all-terrain vehicles (ATVs). "It'll be more guys with guns and badges," said a proponent of the plan. "Think of the visuals. The President can go down and meet with the new recruits. He can go down to the border and meet with a bunch of guys and go ride around on an ATV."

And maybe he can wear a tight-fitting presidential anti-illegal immigrant flight-suit, and serve the new recruits plastic turkey!  That alone should insure that the Republicans don't lose any seats in 2006! 

2 MAKE WALL STREET HAPPY

Because when Wall Street is happy, then rich Republicans are happy.  (The Bolten plan involves involve extensions of the rate cuts for stock dividends and capital gains, and the legalization of slavery.)

3 BRAG MORE

Yeah, because the President's current problems stem from a lack of bragging.

4 RECLAIM SECURITY CREDIBILITY

[... ]  Presidential advisers believe that by putting pressure on Iran, Bush may be able to rehabilitate himself on national security, a core strength that has been compromised by a discouraging outlook in Iraq.

Let's all forget the mess in Iraq and invade a fun, new country -- that will show everyone that this administration has security credibility!

5 COURT THE PRESS

Bolten is extremely guarded around reporters, but he knows them and, unlike some of his colleagues, is not scared of them. Administration officials said he believes the White House can work more astutely with journalists to make its case to the public, and he recognizes that the President has paid a price for the inclination of some on his staff to treat them dismissively or high-handedly. His first move, working with counselor Dan Bartlett, was to offer the press secretary job to Tony Snow of Fox News radio and television . . . .

When that failed, his next move was to try to outsource the whole Office of White House Communications to the private sector, namely to Roger Ailes and Fox News.  However, this was described as "double-dipping" by officials of the Office of Management and Budget, and so the plan was scrapped.  Joshua then vowed to court the media by sleeping with Katie Couric.

But I for one welcome Joshua, our new insect overlord, and would like to remind him that as a trusted blogger, I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in the White House's underground crap factory.  And Mr. Bolten seems like the kind of guy who could use a little PR help from kindly bloggers, for, as we know, he has a thing for hands.  Well, for George Bush hands.

USA TODAY has the details:

As Joshua Bolten officially moves into the White House chief of staff's office today, he'll bring with him a collection of photos of President Bush — or, rather, of Bush's hands.

The close-ups show Bush's hands at key moments: Signing the No Child Left Behind education bill. Holding the badge of a Port Authority officer slain on 9/11. Throwing out the first pitch of a 2001 World Series game at Yankee Stadium.

Behind the images, friends say, is a Bolten philosophy. "He thinks of himself and the rest of the White House staff as 'the hands' of the president, to help him realize his vision," former White House aide Kristen Silverberg says.

Creepy?  Sure!  But at least it's not as bad as what some of the other cabinet members are collecting.  Reportedly Alberto Gonzales cuts out pictures of Bush's ears, which he serves with fava beans and a fine Chianti.  Don Rumsfeld likes to collect photos of George's manly legs and buns of steel.  As for what Bush body part Condi collects, I don't think we can say in a family blog -- but we will mention that she has been seen buying a LOT of plaster at Home Depot.

Anyway, given Bolten's hand fetish, I believe that I can help him in his search to replace WH spokesman Scott McClellan, who resigned shortly after we reposted that piece about his cuckolding, and Jim Towey, director of the Office of Faith-Based Initiatives, who resigned so he could devote more time to ministering to the police (or something like that).

So, here goes: I think that Torgo would make a fine WH spokesman.  He's loyal, he's at least as personable as previous Bush spokesmen, and he's probably more articulate than some of them.

I see a typical press conference going a little something like this:

1st Reporter:  The President said that he has evidence that Iran is responsible for our current record-high gasoline prices, the influx of Mexican illegal immigrants, the bird flu, and our zillion-dollar deficit -- and those are his grounds for calling for an invasion of Iran.  When will he present proof of his claims?

Mr. Torgo:  The Master would not approve of your lack of faith in his causi belli.

2nd Reporter: Does the President have any comment on the reported discontent among military professionals on Jenna Bush being appointed to oversee Iran's reconstruction?

Mr Torgo:  The Master would not approve of your question.

And so on.

And, to replace Towey, I suggest the Wives of Manos.  (Their prowess at wrestling each other while clad in filmy nightgowns and heavy-duty Sears bras surely qualifies them for the job.)  Sure, some might object to a Manos-headed office being in charge of doling out tax money, claiming that it "runs in direct defiance of the Constitution and creates a religious hierarchy among the denominations to gain federal funds," but I think we can all agree that this appointment would make more sense than giving an ambassadorship to Harriet Miers, (which, per TIME, was actually considered by Bolten and the gang.)

That's all I have so far.  But I hope Josh finds it helpful, and I look forward to working with him on more hand-related activities in the future.

2:20:01 PM