December 17, 2005 by s.z.

You Should Really ...  ...check out ol' Doghouse Riley over Bats Left Throws Right today.  He's on fire!  (Well, not literally, as far as I know -- he's actually just a really good writer who's been doing some excellent blogging about some great topics lately.) 5:07:01 AM

The Wo'C Entertainment Report What are our favorite wingnuts saying about about movies and TV today? Let's find out! 1.  WorldNetDaily's Les Kinsolving is raving about Brokeback Mountain -- here he is with "Hollywood glorifies adulterous sodomy." In one of the most deadly phenomena of our time – or any time – Hollywood has produced a film called "Brokeback Mountain," which glorifies and glamorizes that male sodomy which remains the cause of so many thousands of deaths by AIDS – and now by syphilis. Gee, I am so out of touch with popular entertainment that I thought the movie was about star-crossed lovers, not about butt sex.  (And I had no idea that it went so far as to glamorize the specific acts of male sodomy which cause death by syphilis).   And that's why I am so grateful for WND -- because I always learn something new when I read it. The [Washington] Post also reported that this film is the story of "two vagabonds whose lifelong affair begins in Brokeback Mountain on a chilly night in 1963. Then they part ways, marry women who don't know their secret and have children, only to reunite four years later with a deep, fiery, longing kiss that is arguably the most passionate man-on-man kiss to have been put on screen." How really uplifting! How marvelously moral! What a glorious contribution to national morality! How can I possibly resist seeing this inimitable osculatory foreplay to cowboy buggery? Let me assure you that I shall resist. Whoa, that's a relief!  For a minute there, I thought that Les would go to the movie, see two men kiss, watch them engage in cowboy buggery, and then become so inflamed with unholy lust that he and fellow-audience member John Derbyshire would roger each other roundly right there in the theater. And I am compelled to wonder when Hollywood will be producing a cowboy bestiality film – an on-the-range romance of real animal love – but only, of course, with a freely consenting beast.  When they do, I'm sure that Rick Santorum will be the technical adviser. (Folks, in his defense, Les is a former football coach, a former vicar, an old coot who's been the Jeff Gannon of his generation for decades without anybody caring, and a kook -- so man-on-man kisses really get to him.)    2.  Next up is Tammy Bruce, who has just came up with a totally new and original idea to explain why movie receipts are down this year: because Hollywood hates America! Why, oh why, has Hollywood seen its worst boxoffice receipts in 15 years? The Golden Globe nominees for 2005 Best Picture say it all. Thought to be the precursor for the Oscar,here's what Hollywood thinks is their best of the year, and consequently what they think our culture should look like: 1) A love story between two gay sheepherders (erroneously labeled 'cowboys' by the media, I suppose because they wear hats).* See, if Brokeback Mountain was nominated for an award by the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, then it must mean that the movie industry wants to turn our whole society into gay sheepherders. 2) A film portraying as noble the efforts of journalists to demonize and "take down" a US Senator whose anti-communist policies they did not like.* Hmm, so Goodnight and Good Luck was about how journalists "took down" McCarthy just because they didn't like his anti-communist policies.  You learn something new every day (and apparently not just at WND).  But Tammy is right -- America would be flocking to the movies if the film had been about the noble efforts of a brave US Senator to single-handedly identify the 205 known communists working at the State Department, and then gun them all down before they could steal our vital TV-dinner technology for their masters in Moscow. (I see our hero "Tailgunner" being played by a young Sylvester Stallone, with the adorable Lindsay Lohan starring as the spunky girl reporter whom Tailgunner tames and teaches to be a real woman). Songs would include the stirring "I'm a Commie-Hating Hero" (to the tune "I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy"), and the haunting "Don't Weep for Me, John Birch Society." I wonder if I can get Tammy to help me write the script. 3) A film about, as one movie-going reviewer noted, "...the horrors of big business and the way they are willing to experiment on the poor to achieve their goals..."* 4) The demonization of the average mid-western American man as someone who is no hero, but a cold-blooded killer at heart.* 5) And lastly, a Woody Allen film about infidelity. Well, he should know.* Again, if a movie about one average mid-western man who turns out to be a cold-blooded killer at heart gets nominated for an award, then it must be that Hollywood thinks our entire culture should be composed of cold-blooded murderers. And the fact that The Constant Gardener, and Match Point were nominated for any Golden Globes (while Because of Winn-Dixie, a family movie about a dog that teaches us important lessons, wasn't), shows us everything that we need to know about the America-hating liberals who run Hollywood: that they also hate dogs.  And see, this is why movie revenues are down -- because decent Americans won't pay to see films about infidelity, cold-blooded killers, or horror.  I think a study of box office records will bear out Tammy on this point. Hollywood honchos continue to wring their hands over why you've stopped going to the movies. They blame ticket prices and DVD availability. They had better start considering the fact that filmmakers are so disconnected, so nihilistic, that the hopelessness and hostility they feel toward the world now permeates their work. Americans will no longer go see movies which are nothing more than the manifestation of the backwash of malignant narcissists. We're also sick and tired of listening to actors lecture us about how awful the US is, and more recently, why a cold-blooded mass murdering gang founder should have been given clemency. Enough is enough. Personally, after learning that some actors sought to have Tookie Williams' death sentence commuted to life in prison, I vowed to never watch another movie for the rest of my life.  That will teach Hollywood to claim that I'm awful! So you can take your gay sheepherder, noble communist supporting reporters, big-business is evil, Americans are hopelessly and inherently corrupt and violent and unfaithful movies and go to Cannes where at least the Parisian set will love you. But that won't exactly pay the bills, will it?  I'll leave it to somebody else to teach Tammy about the concept of foreign box office receipts, and how they do indeed "pay the bills."  3.  Lastly, here's media "expert" Brent Bozell, who's whining about how some TV awards prove the whole "hell in hand basket" thing. The Family Friendly Programming Forum consists of several dozen major television advertisers that urge the entertainment industry to build "a commitment to and understanding of quality family entertainment." And yet what programs did they honor?  "Lost" (which shows "people being destroyed by explosives, the kind that leave pieces of flesh dangling on the shoulders of survivors"), "According to Jim" ("Would you feel comfortable putting young children on the couch with a box of popcorn to watch the episode about Jim's low sperm count?"), and the "George Lopez Show" ("'Damn, Grandma! Your boobs are huge!' says one of the children.") What do these awards say about the mindset of the TV czars -- the producers, the carriers and the underwriters -- and their ability to define "family" TV? That their advertisers, the people who gave out the awards, are perverts who like Grandma boobs? Six major corporations own virtually everything aired on broadcast television as well as two-thirds of the cable channels, but it's clear these companies don't have a clue about what families want on television. Worse still, they don't want families deciding for themselves what is, and isn't, appropriate family viewing. That corporate community, along with its myriad of lobbying firms and front groups, is zestily lobbying Washington to stop decency enforcement on the public airwaves as well as cable choice on cable networks. Yes, the TV companies don't want families deciding for themselves what is, and isn't, appropriate family viewing  -- and this is unmistakably demonstrated by the fact that they are trying to stop Washington from deciding what is, and isn't, appropriate for your family. And besides, deciding what isn't appropriate for your own personal family's viewing is Brent's job. 4:32:37 AM

The Kitten Report Here are the major developments of the week: Saturday:   I continued in my ongoing efforts to try to broker peace between the Cat insurgents and the Kitten forces.  The Cat Elders (Sheena and Andy, who are now 19 and 16-years-old) filed a restraining order against the kittens, demanding that the little ones remain at least two feet away from them.  Violations were answered with hissing and growling, but there was no violence. Jet Jaguar continued to monitor the kittens closely, and to search for their weapons of mass destruction (Lincoln Group propaganda claiming that kittens are harmless and adorable didn't seem to change his opinion of them).  When they crawled under the china cabinet, he managed to contain them by blocking the only exit.  I rescued them, but there was still discontent on the Jet Jaguar street. Sunday: Kitten1 vomited and had diarrhea.  I was worried that the poor thing had caught some disease while he was careening around the vet's waiting room on Wednesday, and kept offering him liquids because I didn't want him to get dehydrated.  When he ate an entire bottle of chicken baby food which I had originally bought for Maestro, I was greatly relieved. Monday:  I left my toast unattended for just long enough to pour myself a glass of juice, and returned to find a Kitten1 eagerly licking the butter off of it.  He then ate most of the bread, and meowed for more butter.  I decided that he had made a full recovery to health. Tuesday:  I finally had a night where I was not awakened at least once by hissing, crashes, or crying kittens. Wednesday:  Intelligence indicated that the kittens had won Jet Jaguar's heart and mind, but instead of teaching them the ways of civilization, they corrupted him into barbarism.  The kittens jumped up on the table, and began batting the leaves of the amaryllis plant which my mother had given me as a holiday gift (and which had remained totally unmolested by catkind for the two weeks I've owned it).  I moved the little scamps off the table, and turned around to find Jet batting at the stalk and shredding the flowers.  I moved the plant to another room, but it will never be the same.   Thursday:  I have learned how to blog while balancing a kitten on my lap.  (But I still can't find a way to manage it while holding two of them, since it takes a hand per kitten to keep them off the keyboard), and this leaves no hands for typing.) Friday:  The kittens and Jet had lots of fun playing with the new cat toy I bought them for Christmas.  It's a plastic wand, with a strip of material attached, and with  feathers glued on the end.  Cost: $4.87.  Amount of time it took felines to detach all the feathers from the toy: 3 hours.     Saturday A.M.:  I finally decided on names for the kittens.  (Thanks for all your suggestions, folks -- they really helped to get me started with this.) But first, a little about the process.  I wanted names that expressed their natures, which are as follow: Kitten1 looks like a lynx or a bobcat, but is a bit timid.  When he wants attention, he looks at you with big kitten eyes and meows very softly.  He also makes little wrring noise which sound like a bird or something.  Kitten2 looks kinda like Hitler, but he is very affectionate and has promised to never invade Poland.  He is also a brave explorer (today he followed me into the basement, which as here-to-for been off-limits to kittens -- and while he was alarmed by the noise the furnace made when it went on, he ran back into the furnace room a few minutes later to investigate further.)  I also wanted Mystery Science Theater 3000 names, in order to express solidarity with Jet Jaguar.  But they needed to be names that wouldn't embarrass the kittens as they got older, since we all know that other cats can be so cruel.  And if not MST3K names, then something equally hip, so that the kittens can hold their heads up high while at the vet's office.  (Brief aside: when I first took Andy to his old vet, the receptionist who was making the appointment asked me how he spelled it.  I said, "He doesn't spell -- he's a cat."  She was not amused, and said, "I just wanted to know if he spelled it the boy way or the girl way."  Poor Andy has never recovered from the shame.) Anyway, I spent the week pondering the name issue.  I thought something War on Christmas-y might be nice, since they are seasonal felines.  I considered the names "Pitch" and "Merlin" from the MST Mexican Santa Claus movie, but rejected them because (A) Pitch seems like it should be for a black cat; and (B) I have a cousin named Merlin, and I wouldn't want to confuse the family. A friend suggested "Ator" and "Death Stalker" -- while they have the right connotations, they didn't pass the cat calling test (which is where you try calling, "Here, Death Stalker; here, Death Stalker; get over here, you stupid cat" loudly from your front porch with the whole neighborhood listening). But that brought to mind "Cabot" and "Watney" -- but while I love Outlaw, I find both of those characters annoying, and think I would take that feeling out of the cats. My favorite MST ep is I Accuse My Parents -- and while "Kitty Reed" is a pretty good name for a cat, I just knew that if I called the other one "Jimmy," he would end up lying to win an essay contest, accidentally becoming a mob enforcer, killing his boss, and then blaming me for it all. In a moment of weakness I considered "NummyMuffin" and "Trumpy," but after I got some sleep, I repented of that idea. I then thought about going for something nonMST-related, perhaps something from the current cultural scene.  "Aslan" seemed like a good fit for Kitten1 -- but it would mean naming Kitten2 "Brokeback," which just doesn't seem right. And there was always "Siggy and Roi" (thanks, BeginningToWonder -- what great names!) or "Charlie" and "Buster" (wonderful suggestions from doghouse riley and P11727). But then I decided that if Jet Jaguar had to have a name from a MST episode featuring a Japanese monster movie, then the kittens did too (after all, fair is fair). So, allow me to present Zigra and Tibby.  Zigra Tibby Okay, it was going to be "Zigra" and "Gamera," but "Gamera" has too many syllables, and I don't think that Kitten1 is the friend of children.  And while Tibby was a turtle, not a cat, he was a beloved pet, which is the important thing.  And since Kitten1 has a tabby face, everybody will just think that's where I got the name, and not from that host segment where a robot sang a song to a turtle. And while I anticipate that "Zigra" may be called "Ziggy" from time to time, he does have sharp little claws and teeth with which to remind people that he wasn't named after a cartoon nerd. And that's our kitten report.  Please stay tuned for your local news. (First up: Giant monster kittens destroy Tokyo.) 2:03:02 AM