November 28, 2005 by s.z.

Who Said It?

The game show where you can win fabulous prizes by guessing which well known people wrote the following statements.

(Disclaimer: Some of the people are only well known in the bizarre land of Wingnuttia.  Plus, the fabulousness of the prizes is a matter of opinion, and your odds of actually winning anything tangible are approximately 1 in a gazillion.)

So, let's get started -- will our first mystery guest enter and say something stupid please?

1.  This columnist/radio personality/ pastor just interviewed John Gibson for his Internet radio show; coincidentally, he has volunteered his services as senior officer in the glorious War to Save Christmas. 

Y’know, there’s probably just a very few people who are popping a blood vein in their foreheads and spouting this anti-Christmas rhetoric.  More than likely they aren’t the constitutionalists they’ve propped themselves up to be, but rather, failed actors who couldn’t get extra work on B-flicks who have found a way to get in front of a TV camera by being a jerk.  What’s the matter?  Did mommy not pay enough attention to you when you were little?  Did she miss your 3rd grade Christmas play when you starred as Blitzen, and so now you hate Christmas and you want to get her back while making us all pay in the process?

Has anybody ever seen anybody on TV angrily spouting anti-Christmas rhetoric and looking like the veins in their head were going to burst?  (Sure, there's Bill O'Reilly, but he was spouting straw man anti-Christmas rhetoric that he made up himself, so he doesn't really count.) 

If you can offer me proof that this has happened, I will buy you a copy of our Mystery Guest's new DVD Packed, Stacked, and Ready to Whack (they reportedly make "great stocking stuffers")

2.  Our next guest is widely reputed to be one of the deep thinkers of Wingnuttia.  He will tell us The Truth About Torture.

Let's take the textbook case. Ethics 101: A terrorist has planted a nuclear bomb in New York City. It will go off in one hour. A million people will die. You capture the terrorist. He knows where it is. He's not talking.

Question: If you have the slightest belief that hanging this man by his thumbs will get you the information to save a million people, are you permitted to do it?

Now, on most issues regarding torture, I confess tentativeness and uncertainty. But on this issue, there can be no uncertainty: Not only is it permissible to hang this miscreant by his thumbs. It is a moral duty.

Yes, you say, but that's an extreme and very hypothetical case. Well, not as hypothetical as you think.

Sure, there is no nuclear bomb, New York City isn't at risk, and a million people won't die if the terrorist doesn't talk, but it's not hypothetical that somewhere there is somebody with the slightest belief that hanging a prisoner by his thumbs might elicit information.

3.  And speaking of torture (while being all fanboyish about how smart and cool and stuff our previous Mystery Guest is), here's one of the Powerline Trio:

McCain is fond of asserting that you can't get reliable information through torture. In doing so, he relies on his experience in North Vietnam. However, the ineffectiveness of the crude tactics of his prison guards of 40 years ago does not demonstrate that the tactics available to us today are ineffective.

To prove this theory, I guess we should try the new, improved torture tactics on McCain, and see if we can get reliable info from him.

In fact, it appears that our tactics worked well with Khalid Sheikh Mohammed. If they didn't work, why would Vice President Cheney and our top military leaders be so insistent on not taking them off the table.

Because Cheney is evil?

Surely McCain does not buy into the notion that Cheney takes the position he does because he is evil.

Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't -- and don't call me Shirley!

In fact, as noted above, McCain's position isn't really that different from Cheney's. It's just that Cheney is willing to take the heat for defending tactics that will save lives. In this instance, Cheney, not McCain, is the American hero.

Okay, I changed my mind -- let's use the new torture techniques on Cheney, since he's the real hero.

Hint: Our Mystery Guest is the Powerliner who used to sign his posts with a silly nickname.  He's also a lawyer, and doesn't seem to be too bright. Now, you have a one in three chance of guessing the right one.  (UPDATE -- It's cheating to read  TBogg before giving your answer to this one.)

4.   Our next Mystery Guest will be speaking about "Democrats In Name Only" and "Republicans In Name Only" -- you know, normal people.  And he will make you feel a pang of sympathy for his mother (despite yourself) for having such a disappointing son.

Behold: We have entered the Age When Dinos and Rinos rule the Earth. See them battle each other for absolute dominion!

While this might sound like a cool monster mash of the "Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla" variety, it's a good deal less exciting and more depressing, like a taste test between 2 percent milk and soy milk.

Tune in next week, when this columnist will reveal who would win in a fight between Superman, Captain Picard, and Harry Potter, and will then reveal what that means for the future of the American political system.

5.  This Mystery Guest urges us to "Recapture the Pilgrim Spirit" by doing away with "company pension plans, company health care plans, Social Security, Medicare, and welfare," so that workers can be free and independent, and dying of cold and starvation, like the early settlers. 

When I first went off welfare, I took a part-time job with a food distribution company. I loved the work and the opportunity. Soon the union workers were onto me, pressuring me to join. I was just tasting the beauty of freedom and had little interest in any new paternalistic arrangements. Increasing pressure from them drove me out of the company.

During this year's holiday season, let's remember the pilgrims and what made this country great.

Hint:  Our Mystery Guest's "personal transformation from welfare fraud to conservative crusader has been chronicled by ABC's 20/20; Rush Limbaugh; Readers Digest; Dr. James Dobson;The 700 Club" and wherever else Wingnuts work or bank.

6.  Our contest wouldn't be complete without a quote from this Mystery Guest. 

If you think Michael Jackson has changed faces over the years, he’s into another mask. But this time it’s moving from Jehovah’s Witness to Muslim, according to the website Arab-Israeli newspaper Panorma and reported by Roee Nahmias on ynet.com.

[...]
What Jackson does not fully realize is that Allah is Lucifer, the Koran has been scribed by demons, the mosque cleric is an agent of world destruction, and eternity is one debauched affair like unto the dark corridors of hell.

Perhaps our Jackson will read our Mystery's Guest's words, take them to heart, and hire this MG as his personal spiritual advisor.  He has done stranger things.

And those are our Mystery Guests for today.  Now, guess who said what, and then you can get back to whatever it is you're supposed to be doing.

1:01:48 AM