March 21, 2005 by s.z.

Rewriting the Constitution Our friend Glenstonecottage emails us with a request: I got the enclosed "joke" version of the The Declaration of Independence (although the idiot wingnut who wrote it doesn't even know the difference between the Constitution and the The Declaration of Independence!) from an e-mail buddy of my dad's. I was thinking perhaps you and some of your regulars might consider giving it a good old World O'Crap going-over so I can send a revised and improved version back to the same guy who sent it to me? This might make a good reader participation feature for you and allow you to take a break from having to constantly come up with yet another item. I think that's a great idea for a number of reasons (such as "This is such a wingnutty piece that it deserves a rebuttal" and "It would be very amusing to read the email buddy's response upon getting a rewritten version of this piece," and "You people are so funny, and I am so tired.") So, here's the "Revised Declaration of Independence."  Read it over, and see what re-revisons and/or improvements you would make to it.  Do it to not just help me, but to to help Glenstone's Dad's email buddy, who might otherwise continue to send this crap to other people, which has to be doing severe damage to his karma. Subject: Fw: 2005 Revised Version of The Declaration of Independence   "We The People Of The United States" The following has been attributed to State Representative Mitchell Kaye from GA. This guy should run for President one day...  Actually, a guy named Lewis Napper wrote it back in 1998 -- but he called it "The Bill of No Rights," which is either more or less accurate than the current title, depending on how you look at it. Here's an explanation about the confusion of authorship from "The Blessings of Liberty" site: Kaye, for the record, is a male representative for Marietta, Ga., and he was not the originator of the piece. It's nice that Blessings of Liberty provides the helpful info about Kaye being male, because otherwise you might be fooled about his gender, "Kaye" being a female name and all, even when paired with the first name "Mitchell." His capitol office in Atlanta was helpful, however, in providing the Web site address of the Oregon-based "Backwoods Home Magazine"-- a publication dedicated to "practical ideas for self-reliant living"--which recently published the Bill of No Rights, a copyrighted piece written several years ago by one Lewis Napper, a self-described amateur philosopher and Libertarian from Mississippi. But I guess Kaye can still run for president if he wants. (Interestingly enough, a few years ago an online journalist named K. Daniel Glover wrote an article explaining that it was just an internet legend that Kaye authored the piece.  Now several sites credit Glover as the author.) Anyway, on with the Declaration: "We the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby TRY ONE MORE TIME to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden, delusional, and other bed-wetters. We hold these truths to be self evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim they require a Bill of NON-Rights as such: ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything. ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc.; but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be. ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful. Do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy. ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care. ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair. ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure. ARTICLE VIII: You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful. ARTICLE IX: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to PURSUE happiness, which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an over abundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights. ARTICLE X: This is an English speaking country. We don't care where you are from, English is our language. Learn it or go back to wherever you came from! (lastly....) ARTICLE XI: You do not have the right to change our country's history or heritage. This country was founded on the belief in one true God. And yet, you are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any faith, or no faith at all; with no fear of persecution. The phrase IN GOD WE TRUST is part of our heritage and history, and if you are uncomfortable with it, TOUGH!!!! If you agree, share this with a friend. No, you don't have to, and nothing tragic will befall you if you don't. I just think it's about time common sense is allowed to flourish. Sensible people of the United States speak out because if you do not, who will? PS. There's a lot of good sense here, but it's hard to encapsulate all of the experiences of people into a simple statement, or for that matter into a code of laws.  Um, yeah, this is all so sensible that it's a shame that the Founding Fathers didn't think to encapsulate it into law. Oh, and when you're deconstructing it, don't blame Lewis Napper for Articles 10 and 11, because they were not part of his original, copyrighted work.  His version did include the following section, though (I wonder why it was deleted from the version currently making the rounds on the email lists:):   ARTICLE VIII: You don't have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments and won't lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you'd like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat. Of course, this was back in 1998, when Freedom wasn't On The March, and so it was liberals who wanted to battle tyrants with funny hats. You now have all the necessary data to rewrite this piece, so get to work; your nation is counting on you. 4:28:45 AM

The Gannon News 1.  Bellaciao reports that either Scottie McClellan misspoke or lied or something (which, based on history, seems so unlikely as to be a virtual impossibility), or the House Press Office wasted Secret Service resources (and tax payer funds) to check out JimJeff's criminal history DAILY for months at a time. Friday, White House press secretary Scott McClellan told ePluribus Media that his office had never requested a 30-day security clearance for James D. Guckert, aka "Jeff Gannon," directly contradicting a statement made earlier that day by the U.S. Secret Service.The Secret Service’s "30-day access list program," used by the White House press office, would have allowed Guckert to visit the briefing room for a 30-day period without undergoing daily criminal-history checks. At 2 p.m. EDT on Friday, in a phone interview with ePMedia, Secret Service spokesperson Reginald Hudson stated that the pattern of "appointments" submitted on Guckert’s behalf "looked like an access list" request, adding that the press office uses access lists "quite a bit." But at 6 p.m., White House spokesperson David Almacy called ePMedia to say that "Scott McClellan himself" told him Guckert was "never on an access list." Of course not.  Because that would raise questions about why the rules were being broken on JimJeff's behalf (and the answers would have to be (a) "Because we liked his politics and his soft-ball questions"; (b) "Because we liked somebody else who asked us to give him special treatment"; or (c) "Because we liked his manly physique." Anyway, per Almacy, the 30-day access list, "is only used for people awaiting a `hard pass.’"  Being on an access list is one of the three ways under which the Secret Service will admit you to the White House briefing room.  The others are: possessing a permanent WH press pass; or being granted a temporary appointment.  Strictly speaking, Guckert received temporary appointments, a well-defined Secret Service designation. Having been denied a permanent press pass in February 2004 because he was working for G.O.P. lobbyists, he thus needed an appointment to attend every briefing. But it takes two to make an appointment. Guckert also required a sponsor, a "staffer" to submit the request to the Secret Service. A request for access to the White House complex is not a trivial event, even for McClellan’s office: For a temporary appointment to the White House Press Briefing Room, the White House Press Office will submit to the U.S. Secret Service the name and personal identifiers (name, date of birth, place of birth, Social Security number) of the individual seeking the appointment. The U.S. Secret Service then conducts criminal history checks utilizing Federal/Local Law Enforcement and Secret Service criminal data bases. These checks are done each time a request is submitted for access for the individual. The "30-day access list program" prevents this avoidable waste of time, manpower and money by granting 30 temporary appointments, with a single criminal-history check per recipient per month. The program makes sense: As Almacy pointed out, the access list is only for bona fide journalists awaiting permanent passes. But here is where Scott McClellan has seemingly managed to paint himself into a corner of an oval office. Every day from December 20, 2004, through January 31, 2005 -- 43 consecutive days including Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day -- a member of McClellan’s staff requested a temporary appointment for James Dale Guckert to visit the White House. So, if Scottie is telling the truth, then his office had the Secret Service do record checks on JimJeff every day for 43 consecutive days -- even though JimJeff only showed up for 7 of those days, it being the holidays and all.  Or, Scottie is wrong, and somebody misled the SS, telling them that JimJeff qualified for a hard pass that hadn't yet been granted, so he could get on the 30-day access list. Bellaciao (and the Secret Service, apparently) thinks it's the later.  If the White Hous releases his records about JimJeff, maybe we'll find out the truth. However ... 2.  JABBS reports that "Three Months Later, White House Press Office Has Not Released Documents on J.D. Guckert." The White House Press Office has not responded to a Feb. 10 request to turn over documents relating to the press credentials of J.D. Guckert (aka "Jeff Gannon"). The request was made by Sen. Frank Lautenberg (D-NJ). A copy of his letter to White House Press Secretary Scott McLellan can be found by clicking here. Lautenberg aide Yuna Jacobson told JABBS yesterday that there have been "no new developments on the acquisition of related documents from the White House Press Office." To use the popular parlance, I believe we have a filibuster. Read the whole thing. 3.  Bill Maher discusses his "coup" in getting JimJeff as a guest on "Real Time." What I like about my show is the freedom to not have to talk to people who are not that intelligent," Maher says. "I don't mean that as a putdown of guests on my old show, but we did have to fill four guest chairs, five nights a week. This show is once a week, three guests." Since his guests on the new show have included Bill O'Reilly, Joe Scarborough, David Frum, and Ann Colter, the guests from the old show should feel put down.  But anyway, talking about people who ''are not that intelligent," naturally segued into a discussion of the JimJeff interview. Recently "Real Time" staged a bit of a coup when Maher interviewed embattled White House journalist/alleged gay escort Jeff Gannon. "We'd been negotiating with him the entire season," Maher says. "He wanted to do it, but his lawyer wouldn't let him. Finally, he relented and said, 'I'll do it, but you can't just make fun of me.' "I said, 'Jeff, I won't just make fun of you, I'll partly make fun of you. And you'll do the rest." And so he did. This was my favorite part of that interview: MAHER: But it came out this week, the Freedom of Information request was granted, and you made three dozen visits, apparently, to the White House, at times when there were no press briefings going on. On 14 occasions, the Secret Service has no record of your entry and exit times. What were you doing in the White House? GANNON: There's lots of things that go on at the White House when there aren't briefings. I've been to briefings with other administration officials: Condoleezza Rice, Alberto Gonzales, Andy Card, Dan Bartlett. I've gone down to the T-ball games on the South Lawn on Sunday afternoons in the summer. I like to think that they let JimJeff play T-ball with George, Condi, Alberto, and the rest of the first graders. 3:37:27 AM