Episode II:
Attack of the Clowns
--by Scott C., a reporter a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away
It was a time of great disorder in the Bear Flag Republic. The Trade Federation, under the direction of Viceroy Enron had plunged the Republic’s finances into deficit through the use of a fraudulent energy derivative scheme code named "Death Star." But the Viceroy was merely a pawn under the control of two Dark Lords of the Sith: Vice Chancellor Cheney, secretly known as Darth Aneurysm, and the recently installed Governor, Darth Terminex.
In those grim days, all that stood between light and darkness, goodness and evil were the CHiPs, an ancient order of mystics who used the supernatural powers of the California Vehicle Code to maintain peace and justice in the state. When Terminex overthrew the Old Republic, Hobie-Cat Kenobi, a young CHiP master and purveyor of fine Roto-Molded Polyethylene catamarans flew to the city planet of Sacramento to confront him.
"Ah, Governor Schwarzenegger," he said. "I thought I recognized your foul stench when I entered."
"Sorry," said the Governor. "I just had a raw egg and liver protein shake."
"You have a 38 billion dollar deficit and no credible plan to cut spending or raise revenue. You can’t win, you know."
"Can’t I?" sneered the Governor. "What would you say if I told you that the state government was even now under the control of a Sith Lord."
"Impossible," said Hobie-Cat. "The Highway Patrol would be aware of it."
"Alas, my young CHiP, the corporate media has clouded their vision. They are no longer able to use the powers of the Vehicle Code, especially Section 312, Subsection 3e, which governs speed limits in conditions of impaired visibility. No, I’m afraid you have no option but to join me, or die!"
"Never!"
"Don’t be foolish. You cannot imagine the power of the Dark Side!" Closing his eyes and stretching out a talon-like hand, the Governor used his mystical powers to lift a staffer’s blouse up and expose her bra. "Join me," he hissed, "and together we will rule this state as molester and accomplice!"
Hobie-Cat escaped, but in the days to come the Governor would hunt down and murder the remaining CHiPs with the aid of his apprentice, Darth Ponch.
An inky blanket of evil spread upon the Galaxy, and all seemed lost. But unbeknownst to the Governor, the seeds of his doom had already been planted, and would one day arise, in:
EPISODE IV
A NEW GROPE
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