A Blog For Ann
As I mentioned Friday, Ann Coulter is apparently having some trouble with "Coultergeist," the blog which Human Events Online announced last June that she'd be writing. I figured that maybe she was reticient about opening up about what she REALLY thought about things and needed some help starting out, or maybe had just run out of rhetoric and could use donations. In any case, it looked like she needed a hand, and since we Americans are a compassionate, generous people, always willing to help out somebody who is down on their luck, I thought maybe we could have one day where we all pitched in and paid the Amish to build her a blog.
Well, maybe we'd have to do it -- but we could call it "National Blog For Ann Coulter Day," in honor of those brave combatants who laid down their lives on "National Talk Like Bill O'Reilly Day." I could make costumes, and we could use my dad's barn, and I think it would go a little something like this: Some people have implied that I've never started that blog I promised to do for Humans Online because I have performance anxiety. Nothing could be further from the truth. An idea pops into my head and it's on paper. I do not have an unexpressed thought. That is why I am a rich, best-selling author, and those people who merely imply stuff are ugly and poor, and never get invited to the Hamptons or to the best lynchings.
The fact is, I simply haven't had the time to start a "blog" until now, what with all the research for Treason, the TV appearances, and the satanic rituals. But since I feel morally bound to rise the ire of liberals in the hopes that some of them will have strokes and die, I will take a few minutes away from my incredibly taxing writing (those facts don't make themselves up, you know!) to teach the masses what they should be thinking, and show them how America rewards people of true merit: with book contracts, fabulous New York apartments, and 100 calories a day!
So, let me tell you a little about me, and how great it is to be me. My favorite designers are Versace and Gucci. My hero is Jesse Helms, but I also love Ronald Reagan, Bruce Willis, and that hunky Tab Hunter. Oh, and Joe McCarthy, of course. My dream is to someday get married and be a '50s housewife, but it's just so hard to find men like Tab these days. But I do date a lot. Or course, last Saturday night I was a the main draw at a Freedom Rally put on by the Boy Scouts, so I didn't have a date THEN, but I do every other Saturday night. Ollie North was there too, but he wasn't my date--he used to be cool, back when he used to shred stuff, trade arms for cakes, and hang out with drug dealers. But now he's just chubby and boring.
Here's a link to a news story about me risking my life to go to . . .shudder . . .Georgia to entertain our Boy Scout troops (Freedom Rally Draws Some Big Names). That this is the ONLY account of the event demonstrates just how treasonous the Commie/liberal media really is, and how papers like the NY Times are all run by girly-men who spit on the values of Joe Six-Pack and his frumpy wife and snot-faced kids.
The rally organizers said they wanted to bring in some patriotic speakers, and since I'm the most patriotic person in America, having written a book exposing everybody else in the nation as the traitors they are, they simply had to invite me. I wore my turquoise halter-top and rhinestone-studded denim micro-mini skirt, since I wanted to give the boys something to stay hetero for. You know, make Men Scouts of them. I gave the little brats the standards shtick about how liberals were all traitors because they badmouthed war, and threw in a bit about how the Iraqis had rape rooms, which proved that Saddam was evil but macho, and therefore a worthy foe.
I'd written about the Boy Scouts before, commending them for kicking out the gays. That's the only way you can have a group worth joining: blackball some people. Did you know that Irving Berlin donated all the profits from that great patriotic song "God Bless America" to the Boy Scouts of America -- an organization so patriotic it removed President Clinton as honorary president? Like I wrote in my bookTreason (and I even included footnotes, to PROVE it was true), if Berlin was still alive today, he would write songs like, "Good-bye WallahWallah, I'm off to fight Allah." And he could donate the monies from that song to the Boy Scouts, too. So, if the grasping kids want more cash for building tents, or whatever it is they do, they can just dig up Berlin. Yes, Ollie did give them $500 and challenged everybody to match it, but that's just because he's not thin and blonde, and so has to BUY media attention.
Well, that was Saturday night. Like I said, I normally go out with attractive men on Saturday nights, because I am very popular and feminine. I even had a fiance once, but he was a girly-man and I had to kill him. Guns are our friends -- they never cheat on us with the maid. I don't have a maid anymore; I do everything by myself, because you can't trust anybody when you're as popular as me. But I have SCADS of boyfriends, like Geraldo Rivera, Bill Maher, Elinor Burkett, Peggy Noonan, David Limbaugh, and Matt Drudge. They all think I'm really cute and a lot of fun to be with, and they all wish that they were me. They're not traitors, I suppose. It's dangerous when you get to be friends with people. It makes it hard to attack them.
Now I guess I should tell you my "thoughts on issues and ideas of the day." Hmm, thoughts . . . nothing is coming . . . lots of visceral hate, but no thoughts . . .
Oh, wait, I just read where they've found a spy ring at the luxury resort where we've been keeping the terrorists who killed millions of Americans on September 11; yes, these swarthy, smelly, savages brutally murdered our people, and we hard-working Americans are paying for their hot tubs and champagne brunches, just because the bleeding-heart liberals think that France will snub us if we kill the bastards. Oooh, getting snubbed by France--what a burn! I was being sarcastic, in case you couldn't tell. So, of course there are spies there--thanks, libs! And the traitors are . . . wait for it . . . Muslims! Yeah, I said that we should have killed their leaders and converted them all to Christianity, and I'M the bad guy? Shows how the world is going to hell in a hand basket ever since we turned away from St. Joseph of McCarthy.
Personally, I think that anybody who betrays one of our nation's secrets, no matter how over-classified or inconsequential his athetistic scumbag of an ACLU lawyer claims it is, should be executed. Fried up good, like we did to the Rosenburgs. Unless it turns out that it was Karl Rove who blew the cover of Joseph Wilson's CIA wife. Because, since Wilson was a traitor (correcting the White House's facts is lese majesty, which we learned at law school is unconstitutional), then it's no big deal if his bitch of a wife dies and can't do any more of those brilliant CIA studies about nonexistent WMDs in Iraq. Let me clarify here: the WMDs DID exist when the Bush administration said they did, but if for any reason they are found to be a big lie, it was the CIA who did it. In particular, MRS. JOSEPH WILSON, CIA AGENT. If any of you other CIA weasels wants to come forward and say that you told the President something which now makes him look bad ... well, it would be a shame if you died too, wouldn't it?
Oh, and apparently the poor people are now whining because there are more of them now. What a bunch of lazy, ugly slackers, trying to blame the economy for their problems. Well, hey, the super rich got even richer, using the same economy as you, you retards! So, it must be YOUR fault that your kids are hungry, so stop complaining and go start Microsoft or something!
And some people are claiming that the tax cuts obviously didn't help, and so should be ended, since we're billions of dollars in debt and need more to drain the malarial swamps of the entire Middle East by invading it, so we can make the world safe for thin, rich, blonde women, and to honor the sacrifices they made by enduring searches of THEIR bags at airports. But the whole thing is just a trick!
They're trying to trick George Bush into making the mistake his father made: raise taxes and lose the next election. The traitorous liberals are DELIBERATELY becoming poor, just to try to keep George out of the White House in 2004. That just shows you how low they will go to attack somebody that they hate. And they only hate him because he's smart and strong and really dreamy. I bet that baby-killing, truth-fearing, rapist, pervert Bill Clinton put them up to it! We should invade New York State, kill him, and convert his slutty daughter to Christianity! And make Hillary go on a diet.
Well, that's my first "blog" and I was happy to be able to serve my country by giving my fans the mental picture of me in a halter top, and in giving liberals a load. I'll do it again real soon. I was being sarcastic, by the way.
And that what we ALL could do, on "National Blog for Ann Coulter Day." Can't you find it in your heart to contribute a few words for Ann? If so, let's decide on a day, get it on the calandar, and share the hate.
2:48:05 AM  |
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