June 15, 2005 by s.z.

"STOP?  Read On ... If you Dare!" Our friend Glennstonecottage has a request for some help in coming up with responses for another one of his father's wingnutty emailers.  I will now turn the floor over to Mr. Cottage: **************************************** My dad has a friend, Nelson, who's retired down in Florida and he's put me on his e-mail list... some of the stuff he sends is just funny pictures and stuff, others can be somewhat on the wingnutty side--- remember the "Declaration of Independence" that your readers helped me with?   Actually, Nelson is a fairly liberal guy, but he lives in that Florida culture so I guess some of it rubs off a bit now and then.   Anyway, it all started  a few days ago with this posting from Nelson: On the way out to Lettuce Lake Park, this morning, the bus driver observed a big red sign beside the road.  It said STOP.   We all began to speculate what the sign meant,. One passenger said it meand Squeal Tires On Pavement.    The bus driver said she though it meant Slowdown To Observe Police.   Can any of you give us a better idea what the sign meant?   Nelson So next, some friend of Nelson's from Florida wrote in and suggested:  How 'bout:       Start Trampin' On Pedal !!! Well, yesterday, I was a naughty boy, and I sent in the following suggestion: Still, Tragically, Our President. So the guy from Florida quickly shot back: Since you want To get Obviously Political... How 'bout?   Simple-minded Twits Oversee Press   Sadistic Terrorists, Our Prisoners   Socialist Traitors Organize Protests   Start Training Ordinary Patriots I just replied a few minutes ago with the following Swaggering Texan Out-and-out Prevaricator   Sanctimonious Talltales, Oafish Propaganda.   Seventeenhundred Tragic Obituaries--- Pointless.   Sofawarriors: Tremendously Outspoken Patriots; Seldom Turn Out Personally. At this point, I'd like to ask if your readers would be so kind as to good in their ideas... and better do this fairly quickly, because I have this strange psychic tingling which tells me that Nelson might remove me from his e-mail list  sooner rather than later!   ********************************************   I'm sure you all want to do your part to help Nelson and his compadres know what STOP stands for.  Do it for better public safety! 6:10:41 AM

Town Hall Review: Michael Jackson Edition On Monday night, Brad of Sadly, No! asked us to place our bets on which Townhall columnist would be the first to blame the Michael Jackson acquittal on "either the decline of traditional values or Bill Clinton's penis."  Well, today we have our answer: it was Cal Thomas (and so commenter TG wins the new car, the million dollars, and the dream date with Jonah Goldberg). Here's a clip from Cal's column, Faultless nation What was missing in virtually all of the commentary and analysis of the verdict was how this case reflects America's moral climate. The narcissistic generation has come full circle, from indulging children to abusing them; from setting standards to removing all taboos. Nothing is wrong any longer, because nothing is right. So, there you have it: Michael Jackson was acquitted not because his accuser didn't seem credible (and because no evidence corroborating his account was presented).  No, twelve citizens found that there was reasonable doubt about Jackson's guilt because "the immoral have now imposed their immorality on the rest of us." Oh, and despite the lack of evidence that Jackson is sexually aroused by children, Cal knows that Michael is a pedophile. Michael Jackson exhibits every symptom of pedophilia. [...] Sam Vaknin, author of "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited," has written on the "roots of pedophilia" for the Psychology Resource Center online. It reads like a profile of Michael Jackson. Hey, why did we even bother to spend all the money to have a trial, when we could have just read an online article about pedophila?  And really, when you think about it, each one of us is guilty of molesting that boy, even if a jury found Jackson not guilty .. I mean, innocent ... of the charges against him/  We're guilty because we said that it's okay to molest children.   (Okay, I actually didn't do that, and I don't think you did either, but apparently we did make fun of Ben Shapiro, which is the same thing as telling Jackson to go ahead and sexually abuse some kids.)  And for our sins, Michael Jackson will walk by night, throwing our little girls into wells, eating soup with our blind hermits, and terrorizing our superstitious villagers. Our tolerance for everything has produced an unwillingness to restrict anything. A jury (how could it be of his "peers," for who could be said to be a peer of Michael Jackson?) found Jackson innocent of the charges against him. But our culture is not innocent. We produced Michael Jackson, and, like the fictional "Frankenstein" monster, he walks among us as a living judgment to our promiscuous permissiveness. If only Abbott and Costello were still around, they could meet Michael Jackson -- then we'd be safe from this threat! Some other Townhallers also addressed the Jackson verdict.  Let's look at their columns. 1.  The MJ in the rest of us by Suzanne Fields Suzanne says that Michael is actually Dracula, not Frankenstein.  And she claims that she tried not to follow the case, but apparently the TV forced her to watch the Jackson coverage. Anyway, her point is that we are all Michael Jackson in a way, except that he's horrible and we're not.  Or maybe he's Pinocchio, and we pull his strings.  Or maybe the message is that by trying to focus on his image, he has blurred his substance, just like us.  Or something. I guess she really doesn't have a point. Michael Jackson is the child in all of us who yearns never to grow up. He's not Peter Pan, who ultimately left childish things behind. "MJ" is the living spectacle of perversity, the mature boy child who refuses to act like an adult. Life is one long pajama party. He lives life as satire and farce with the dark side of his moonwalk in full sight.  [...]  He wears flashy costumes, but they become like his skin, sewn into his nerve sinews, a dancing, singing life that has turned into a simulation of himself. He's the mirror image of Pinocchio, going from boy to puppet with his public pulling the strings. [...] "The new images have blurred traditional distinctions." That sounds a lot like Michael Jackson. And, alas, sometimes a little like most of the rest of us. Thank you, Michael Jackson, for helping us all to understand ourselves a little better. 2.  Where have all ze (real) men gone? by Kathleen Parker Kathleen's point seems to be that the French are silly nancy boys, and so is Michael Jackson. She (like many other conservative pundits before her) makes fun of French marketing consultant Pierre Le Louet.  She ties in his remarks with a poll that showed that 38% of new French fathers said that they would have liked to have gestated their children, if that was somehow possible.  And then she tops it all off with a dig at Michael Jackson.  (You get the feeling that she had the column all written, but then there was a verdict in the Jackson trial and she felt compelled to address it somehow, and so she tacked on a really silly coda.) Anyway, here's the MJ portion of the piece: As for the new hybrid male, I think we've met him already. He's the lost boy of Neverland, human totem of the cult of Narcissus, that monument to arrested development - Michael Jackson. It can't be mere coincidence that his trial on charges of pedophilia - the ultimate expression of the narcissistic impulse - intersected with the birth of a postmodern man who's all boy. Yes, a French marketing exec made some stupid remarks, some French fathers expressed a wish that they could have participated more fully in the birth of their children -- and it can't be a mere coincidence that this happened at the same time that Michael Jackson was on trial for molesting a boy!  Imagine the odds of three things happening at the same time!!!  3.  No more Michael -- hopefully.  by Linda Chavez Linda also tried desperately to ignore the Jackson trial, but liberals broke into her home, tied her up, and forced her to pay attention to it.  And now she's pissed!  Pissed that, after all that, Jackson was found not guilty.  And so she recaps the case, the trial, and Michael's disgustingness for us.  You know, as a public service.  For months I avoided reading anything about the Michael Jackson case. It's the kind of story I try to avoid on principle: salacious, celebrity-focused, with little long-term significance. So I was surprised at my own reaction when the verdict in his molestation trial came down: acquitted on all counts. I was furious. How could he get off on all charges, I fumed. Suddenly, the story millions of Americans had been obsessing about since Jackson's April 2004 indictment ensnared me, too. What's the moral that Linda derives from it all?   Apparently, that we SHOULD focus on salacious, celebrity-focused stories with little long-term significance -- for the sake of the children.  Anyway, today's Townhall also featured John Stossel on "The Government Helping Out in the Bedroom," Michelle Malkin on "Those Anti-Breast Bitches from 'The View,'" and Tony Blankley on "Paris Hilton Threatens to Become Less Skanky."  We'll try to get to those columns (plus Ann Coulter, and Dr. Mike) tomorrow, unless something more important happens, like another celebrity trial, or another white woman goes missing.  Until then, just to be safe, you'd better not do anything in your bedroom -- it might not be safe, thanks to the government! 4:19:44 AM

Revenge of the Ben Ben Shapiro, the nation's foremost young conservative columnist/Harvard law student/porn expert, has once again used his column to plug his book.  But this time the piece actually includes some (intentionally) amusing passages.  Let's all get out our copies of Rescuing a generation, and read along with Ben: I'm 21 years old, a columnist, an author, a graduate of UCLA, a Harvard law student -- and a virgin. And I'm proud of it.  Hey, pride's a sin, Ben. Check out Proverbs. And I still think that the other Virgin Ben, Ben Ferguson, is actually happier about his undeflowered state, and that VBen1 is just capitalizing on his sexuality to sell his book.  As I explain in my new book, "Porn Generation: How Social Liberalism Is Corrupting Our Future," in today's America, being a proud virgin is no easy task. Those with values are under attack in a culture that treasures "tolerance" above morality. It's no wonder that because of my outspoken advocacy of traditional morality in general and of virginity in particular, I've become a favorite target of Internet leftists, who often refer to me as "The Virgin Ben." Hey, we Internet leftists apply descriptors to all the Bens, to help keep them straight (as it were).  So, we often refer to The Funny Ben (Ben Stiller), The Horny Ben (Benjamin Franklin), the Squeaky Ben (Ben the Rat), and The Gentle Ben (Grizzly Adams). The Internet is riddled with writing like this: "In [Ben's] case, it is helpful to remember that some people choose celibacy, while others have it thrust upon them. Poor Ben. He no more chose abstinence than Clarence Thomas chose to be black." "The Virgin Ben also apparently has never had a really great Saturday night …" "The Virgin Ben, indeed. This guy's 'interview' so completely reeks of repression that I almost feel violated having read it. Like I stepped into someone else's wet dream. It's freakin' eerie, man." "You know I'm starting to feel sorry for this kid. I look into his future and I can see that not once is he ever going to get to have really good hot sweaty sex with Miss Scarlet in the parlor with a bottle of lube. That kind of sex may not approach godliness, but for a few brief moments and a lifetime of memories, it sure feels like it." Damn, TBogg sure picked the wrong week to give up sniffing glue ... I mean, to go on vacation!  It's not everybody who gets quoted in a Ben Shapiro column (albeit, with no citation).  If Meghan names the new baby Virgin Ben Gurdon, then Mr. Bogg can retire, knowing that his work here is done.  (When he gets back, I suggest that he change his name to The Internet Leftist Riddler, to capitalize on his new-found celebrity.) Anyway, TBogg was the author of the first quote (the one that notes that some people have abstinence forced on them), as well as the last one (the one about Ben not doing it to Miss Scarlet in the parlor with a bottle of lube).  The third quote dates from March 2004, and came from a blog (RadicalCowboys.com) that no longer exists.  But I can't pin down the second quote -- I think Ben may have said it himself.   Well, we've now discussed the only interesting and witty portion of the column (the quotes from Internet leftists).  The rest is pretty much just another rehash of Ben's view of society (i.e., that it's going to hell in a handbasket), plus some more mentions of Ben's book.  But here's an outline of the rest of the piece: 1.  Those damned liberals don't understand that each of us have to follow The Rules™, which specify no sex until you get a diamond ring. The fact of the matter is that "live and let live" directly contradicts the notion of communal society; we all have to abide by certain rules to live together. 2.  Liberals control the media, and make us watch soft-porn like "Friends," and admire sluts like Madonna. 3.  Alfred Kinsey and Planned Parenthood conduct sex education classes that turn children into anti-Bens by giving condoms to seventh-graders, teaching 12-year-olds about oral sex, and telling pre-school kids about dogs and cats, living together. They have used sex education as a means of indoctrinating children into a cult of moral relativism and hedonism. 4. The "most extreme manifestation of the new culture" is that everybody loves porn.  Ben repeats that line about how porn is "no longer relegated to the dark corners of the newsstand or the skuzzy box in the video store" -- you know, the line that Doghouse Riley so successfully demolished a few days ago by pointing out that young Ben, a child of the computer age, has NEVER lived in an America where porn was regulated to dark corners of newstands or skuzzy boxes. 5.  Society is so screwed up that people now think that Ben is the nut!  6  However, if we all buy Ben's book, we can revirginize the Porn Generation. But the future is not yet lost.Social conservatives must not retreat and cloister themselves; they must fight back against the continuing destruction of standards. Together, we can restore America's innocence.  So, to summarize, just say no to bad morals, porn, "Friends," and making fun of preachy, annoying young know-it-alls. Anyway, I'm just glad that I can say that I knew TBogg before he hit the big time. 3:48:00 AM