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Sunday CinemaWell, this should be the week that we recap Revenge of the Sith, but since we haven't seen it yet, we offer this other, cheaper movie that we have seen. We're pretty sure that this one too is a slam at the Bush presidency (um, Maximilian Schell is Bush, the mean robot is Dick Cheney, and the black hole is Iraq). Oh, in the second trilogy, which never actually got made, it will be revealed that Darth Vader built the cute, little trashcan robot when he was in kindergarten, and that Ernest Borgnine was Deep Throat.  THE BLACK HOLE (1979) Directed by Gary Nelson Screenplay by Gerry Day; story by Bob Barbash, Richard H. Landau, and Jeb Rosebrook. It’s 3130, and we are aboard the U.S.S. Palomino, whose mission is "To discover habitable life in outer space." Um, okay. Our crew consists of: Captain Robert Forster, who is still feeling the effects of the charisma-sucking leeches from Alpha Beta 12; Sciencey Guy Norman Bates, who was released from the institution only after being given a frontal lobotomy; Joseph Bottoms, space cadet; Ernest Borgnine, a reporter NASA sent to provide exposition and to sell NY Times subscriptions to alien life forms; Yvette Mimieux, an aging ingenue who can communicate telepathically with kitchen appliances; and V.I.N.CENT, a fire hydrant-cum-robot whose name is drawn from the acronym for "Very Irritating Nag." The crew is looking for that habitable life when they stumble upon the largest black hole ever discovered (apparently it wasn’t on the maps, probably because of racism). "My God", says Ernest Borgnine, "it's like Dante's Inferno!" Ernest, star of Devil's Rain and Convoy, would know about hell if anyone would. The crew spots a ship resembling an airport lobby hanging outside the black hole—it’s the Cygnus, a massive experimental ship lost for the last twenty years. Ernest informs us that it was captained by a Dr. Hans Reinhardt, a big jerk who refused to return to Earth when the Cygnus was recalled for being a choking hazard. It was "the costliest fiasco of all time." At least until this movie came out. The black hole starts pulling in the Palomino, but Captain Robert doesn’t seem affected. "What are you made of?" shouts Joseph, who, like us, it beginning to suspect that at least one of the crew is actually an android, like John Hurt in Alien. Or maybe they all are. Anyway, the ship is saved by mysterious anti-gravity beams coming from the Cygnus. The crew goes over to investigate and is met by a bunch of fascist robots modeled on Imperial Storm Troopers, but painted red to avoid plagiarism charges. They are led by Maximilian, a big, demon-like robot with red headlight eyes. Oh, and Maximilian also has attachments on his hands which enable him to chop, dice, and make julienne fries in only seconds. Then a voice speaks from the shadows. It turns out to be another Maximilian ... Maximilian Schell, actually, but we will call him "Hans Reinhardt" in order to avoid confusion. Hans, a shaggy, wild-eyed guy resembling the Unabomber, is clearly insane, but other than that, seems nice enough. He says that he’s all alone on the Cygnus except for the robots he invented to serve him and watch bad movies with him. When asked what happened to his crew, he says that they, um, deserted to return to Earth. Yeah, that’s the ticket! Oh, except for Yvette’s dad, who died. Hans stares at Yvette and murmurs, "The same eyes, the same eyes!" meaning, as evidenced by a final scene showing Yvette-like eyes behind Maximilian’s visor, that actually Hans turned her dad into Maximilian. Oops, hope we didn’t ruin anything for you. V.I.N.CENT and Maximilian take an instant dislike to each other, and each twirls around and moons the other. (VINCE, who levitates himself on wires operated by a team of sweaty men off-camera, looks uncomfortably like a blood-engorged tick when he spins.) While the confrontation is over for now, we know that the movie can’t end without a final showdown between the two robots, as required by Asmimov’s Three Rules of Robotics. Or maybe it was Syd Field’s Rules of Screenplays. In any case, stay tuned for exciting robot action, like that seen on Comedy Central’s "Bot Wars." Hans mentions that he invented a new power source that will end the energy crisis and save Jimmy Carter’s presidency. Norman Bates coos admiringly and the sexual tension between the two of them is so thick you could cut it with a knife, possibly in a shower stall. Hans invites everybody to his Nautilus-themed Fanta suite for dinner so he and Norman can flirt some more. Hans regales his guests with his plan to take a probe ship into the black hole to see how many licks it takes to get to the chewy center. Norman thinks it’s a great idea, and volunteers to help Hans go where no man has gone before (well, maybe Hans won’t be the first, but there haven’t been all that many, since Norman isn’t that kind of boy). The clairvoyant Yvette remarks, "I’m beginning to feel that you want to go with him." Norman concedes that’s she’s right, adding that he wants to join Hans "In a glorious pilgrimage straight into the mind of God." Or to Fire Island. Whatever. While looking for materials to fix their ship and for recycleables to turn in for cash, VINCE finds a beat-up old robot named B.O.B. (an acronym for "Boozy Old Bastard"). It is voiced by Slim Pickens, and is so full of folksy charm that we can hardly wait for Maximilian to rip its head off. After V.I.N.CENT beats the best of the sentry robots, one Captain S.T.A.R (Stupid Taffy-Assed Robot) at Space Pong, B.O.B. finally tells Vince what everybody else figured out long ago: that the robed robots who look like people wearing silver face masks actually ARE people wearing silver facemasks. They are, in fact, the crew of the Cygnus, whom Hans has roboticized to ensure total obedience, and for the tax breaks. Vince briefs the humans on Reinhardt’s Bill Gates-like leadership techniques, but Norman won’t believe it until he rips the silver facemask off one of the mime robots and finds a pale, underfed actor beneath the metal. This disturbs Norman, since turning actors into robots is a technical violation of SAG rules. Maximilian shows what he thinks of SAG by using his blender hand-attachments to shred Norman’s papers, and then Norman himself. Hans has lost all patience with his guests, and orders his robots to take care of them . . .permanently! When Captain Robert arrives to save Yvette, she has tinfoil on her hair and lasers flashing about her face, but he manages to stop the robots before they frost her hair and correct her vision. This doesn’t sit well with Hans, who strikes himself on the head in disgust three times, in the mother of all "I coulda had a V-8" moments. The Cygnus is battered by a Pepperidge Farm goldfish storm, which causes the ship to start falling into the black hole, since Hans’ anti-gravity technology is not waranteed against crackers. The immense forces begin crushing the vessel, but instead of doing anything about that, Maximilian decides to have that long-promised shoot-out with V.I.N.CENT. Vince head-butts Maximilian. Max counters by giving Vince a wedgey. Vince responds with the deadly wet willie, which disables Maximilian and strikes a blow for plucky little gay fire hydrants everywhere. Since the Cygnus is falling to pieces, the good guys take off in Hans’ probe ship, only to find that it’s already been programmed to head for the black hole. So, they have no choice but to go along for the ride and find out the great secrets of the universe. Well, the great secrets seem to be your standard "freak out" sequence, composed of echoing dialogue, choppy photography, and flashing lights. So, the mystery at the end of the universe is that it rips off 2001, is really annoying, and can induce epileptic fits. Meanwhile, Hans is floating in the void of space, his hair blowing in the breeze while Maximilian tenderly holds him. He suffers no ill-effects from his unprotected exposure (as does nobody in this movie, since apparently the vacuum, chill, and lack of air can only hurt you if you think about it, like gravity in a Warner Bros. cartoon). But his luck changes when he and Max are sucked into the black hole, which is composed of cherry Jell-O, but with hellish flames. We see the demonic form of Maximilian on top of Bald Mountain, and realize the OTHER secret at the end of everything: Fantasia. Then Glinda the Good appears, and Max’s spirit floats into the white light, which means that he’s now finally at peace, or that the red lens filter broke, or something. Back on the probe, the crew has made it into normal space. Maybe they’re in another galaxy trillions of light years from Earth. Perhaps they’re even in another universe, one in which the stars of failed Disney films are publicly executed for their crimes. Who really cares? Yes, we ARE bitter about the whole experience, but since we knew going in that black holes do nothing but suck, we can't say we weren’t warned. 3:22:50 AM  |
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