June 6, 2005 by s.z.

Doug 'n Mike 'n Ben

Let's check in with the manly men of Town Hall and see what words of wisdom they have for us today.

1.  First, Doug Giles gives us part three of his series Developing The Disaster Master Mind: 10 Habits of Decidedly Defective People©.  We've already studied Be a Slacker© and  Blame Others©, and are now ready for Embrace Hopelessness©.  (It seems that Doug has copyrighted everything to do with being a worthless wanker, and so from now on anyone becoming a loser is in violation of Doug's intellectual property rights.)

But here's part of his sermon on hopelessness:

One great way to take the sizzle off your fajita is to cuddle despair.  I’m talking about getting so gloomy that you make Eeyore, Vincent Van Gogh, Jackson Pollock and Sylvia Plath look like Paula Abdul compared to you. 

I think that what Doug means is that you should just say no to clinical depression, because it causes impotence.

Classically, slothfulness was defined as the by-product of despondency.  It was not simply someone being lazy for laziness’ sake, but a sign, a manifestation, that despair was ruling that someone’s roost and that’s why he moved like a sea cow on psyhcotropes.

Um, I don't know what "psyhcotropes" are, but if they are anything like psychotropic drugs, then I advise against giving them to sea cows despite the fact that some of them (such as Prozak and Paxil) can be very effective in treating clinical depression (and others, like amphetamines, can really make the sea cows zip along).  In any case, please don't let the sea cows rule someone's roost, because it upsets the sea chickens.

2.  Now, here's Dr. Mike Adams, Ph.D. with some crankiness, whining, and bitching about how the general public sucks -- these comments come as a result of "just one day at the airport and on one flight to Cincinnati."

Sir, can I borrow a white towel? Well, I forgot mine. Oh, I see what you mean. I usually wrap one around my head to keep from being searched at the airport...like that 80 year old white lady with the "I Love Jesus" t-shirt.  Thanks. Can I have another one to throw down on the floor? What? Well, I intend to point it toward the East, kneel down, and say a quick prayer to Allah. I told you, I don't want to get searched. I'm running late because of that guy at the counter.

Yes, old, white, Christian women are searched every time, while young, Middle Eastern, Muslim men just breeze through airport security.  So Dr. Mike's quip is funny because it's true! 

Hi son, what is your name? You sure are fast. I've never seen a kid run so fast from one end of the airport to the other. Too bad your parents aren't nearby to see this. I have an idea. See that sign that says "security check point: Do NOT enter"? If you run about ten yards past it, that makes 100 yards. I'll time you with my stop watch. Ready? Set? GO!

Maybe Dr. Mike can get the kid shot by the Sky Marshals -- that will teach him to have inattentive parents!

How old are you, ma'am? I mean, you just look so young to have five children and six tattoos. What are their names? No, I mean the children. Oh, I thought his name was Jesus Christ. Never mind. How old is the one who keeps banging his head on the window? Do you think that might cause stupidity? or is it the stupidity that causes him to bang his head on glass windows in the first place? Yes, it really is a lot like the chicken and the egg, isn't it?  Genes are important, aren't they? Oh nothing, never mind.

Mike doesn't much care for children, does he?

And instead of applauding this young woman for her enthusastic embrace of the culture of life, Mike makes fun of her and suggests that stupid people shouldn't be allowed to breed.  I think we've seen that all it takes to turn Dr. Mike into Margaret Sanger is a day at the airport. 

3.  While Ben Shapiro doesn't have a new Town Hall column (he's still resting from all the Paris Hilton research he did), he did update his blog today.  Here are some highlights:

Gay fruit flies: who cares, besides Arianna Huffington?

Over at the sometimes-interesting, often hilarious Arianna Huffington website, they've got a headline reading "For Gay Fruit Flies, Homosexuality Is Not A Choice." They link to an article at the New York Times, which describes genetic alterations of fruit flies. Apparently, "In a series of experiments, the researchers found that females given the male variant of the gene acted exactly like males in courtship, madly pursuing other females. Males that were artificially given the female version of the gene became more passive and turned their sexual attention to other males."
So here's my question: who cares? This whole nature vs. nurture argument regarding homosexuality in humans has no relevance for policy.

Ben, who has completed his first year of law school, thinks that the only things you should care about are those that are relevent to policy. 

Yes, it's difficult to make hard and fast rules -- there are people in different situations, placed there by situation, God, or nature (depending on your view), and they will be affected differently by those rules. Those who are naturally drawn toward homosexuality will be more affected by societal opposition to homosexuality than those who are not. But this should make no difference in the long run: for rule of law to work, everyone must be bound equally to the rules, no matter where they may fall in terms of natural ability or natural proclivity.

Um, Ben, you kinda missed the step where you explained why there should be laws against homosexuality in the first place.  (And if it's because a verse in the Old Testament seems to state that gay sex is wrong, then shouldn't U.S. policy prohibit eating pork and shellfish?).

The nature vs. nurture question about homosexuality isn't black and white; the answer probably lies somewhere in the middle, and differs from individual to individual. But gay fruit flies or no, homosexuality remains wrong, and rules must remain consistent -- no matter what Arianna Huffington thinks.

From what Ben has presented, Arianna thinks that "For Gay Fruit Flies, Homosexuality Is Not A Choice."  Is Ben claiming that we should make some laws against homosexuality in fruit flies, because the rules must remain consistent???Anyway, I was so impressed by Ben's brilliant legal mind that I searched for more info on his new book.  Here's what I found at National Review Book Service:

Porn Generation/How the Catholic Church Built Western Civilization

You have to admit that Ben has come up with a snappy book title.

This book is about a generation of Americans lost in a maelstrom of moral relativism in a culture obsessed with cheap, degraded, casual sex. It's a powerful wake-up call outlining what we must do now to eradicate this scourge and reclaim the values that made America great.

So, as I suspected, it's not about porn at all, but is instead Ben's condemnation of sex.

Shapiro, a 21-year-old orthodox Jew, syndicated columnist, and Harvard Law student, knows up close about the hypersexualization of American youth -

Ben knows about hypersexualization -- he's experienced it up close and personal! 

- which has taken hold to a degree that astonishes even their Baby Boomer parents, despite the fact that their liberal attitudes toward sex caused it all. In this book he demonstrates that as societal standards and traditional values have declined, and the crassest elements of sexual deviancy and pornography have taken over the public square, it is the Americans of his own generation who have paid the price.

The damn Baby Boomers had liberal attitudes toward sex, and now it is Ben who must pay the price!  Pay the price in sexual frustration, because everybody else is having sex except him!

Porn Generation reveals:

[..]

Ill-considered sex ed programs that teach nine-year-olds about condom use, push twelve-year-olds to make decisions about their sexual orientation, and expect fifteen-year-olds to be as sexually experienced as prostitutes

Yes, at Heidi Fleiss High, all students are expected to be as sexually experienced as prostitutes by age 15 (don't ask about the graduation requirements).

Nudity on film: how it has become difficult to tell the difference between call girls and movie starlets

To quote Mr. Shapiro, "So here's my question: who cares?"  Since when is it our job to monitor the morals of movie starlets?  (And Ben, allow me to introduce you to Thomas of CAP -- he has made it his mission to watch all that nudity, so you don't have to.  So, he kinda thought of this whole "watch porn, and complain about it for money" shtick first.)

How liberals have undemocratically imposed their amorality on America through Hollywood, the education system, the judiciary, and the media

Yes, all matters of societal morals should be arrived at through the democratic process -- but the liberals cheated, and bypassed the voting booths!

Kinsey: how this secret pervert and sex maniac successfully convinced millions of Americans that almost everyone was a secret pervert and sex maniac

Off topic, but I have this idea for a script for a TV cop show about a young man who is held up as the poster boy for clean, conservative, virginal living, but who turns out to be a secret sex pervert. 

How the high percentage of sexually active young people is wreaking enormous damage upon the emotional stability of an entire generation

I think it's really sad how the knowledge that the other kids are having sex is wreaking enormous damage upon the emotional stability of Ben.  

BTW, the idea of emotional unraveling due to sexual frustration will be further explored in my TV script "Porn Degeneration: The Dan Shaviro Story."

Ted Bundy: shocking proof of how pornography corrupts -- and even ultimately led one man to mass murder (and how Playboy falsely tried to portray him as a victim of sexual repression rather than sexual excess)

In my script, young Dan is both repelled and fascinated by sex.  As a cover for his secret fascination with porn, he tells his elders that he is writing a book exposing the evil of pornography and casual sex.  Anyway, the porn corrupts him, and leads him to  ... well, I think you can guess the rest of the story.  It's shocking, sordid, titallating, and educational.  I see Paris Hilton playing the role of the movie startlet whom Dan can't tell from a call girl, leading him to MURDER!  The story ends in the Florida electric chair.

4.   Oh, and our friend Frederick sent us word of a new breakthrough in medicine that should be of interest to Ben, Mike, and Doug.

News of the Weird:

Professor Mikhail Sokolshchik of Russia's National Medical Surgical Center performed a two-stage penile lengthening early this year on a 28-year-old virgin, adding 5 inches to what was an almost dysfunctionally small organ. Sokolshchik first removed the tip and stitched it onto the patient's forearm so that he could graft more tissue onto it (from elsewhere on the arm). After the tip lengthened, he reattached it to its proper place. According to an April dispatch from Moscow in London's Daily Telegraph, Sokolshchik is optimistic that all functions will be restored (though he said the man will probably be permanently semi-erect).

Frederick comments:

The "permanently semi-erect" part would be particularly helpful for Dr. Mike. That way he wouldn't have to worry about his member deflating every time he sees a feminist or an advertisement for "The Vagina Monologues."

Note also that the fellow in the story above was a 28-year-old virgin. Ben Shapiro might also benefit from this exciting new technology!

We can only hope.  I really don't want to see Ben end up as a serial killer -- and maybe if Dr. Mike didn't have to worry about the effect of feminists on his member, he wouldn't get so cranky at airports.  And maybe if Doug had a bigger, um, gun, he wouldn't have to take his 375 H&H magnum and shoot imported antelope, and make videos like this.

3:32:42 AM