Townhall Review
Brad over at Sadly, No! is taking wagers on which Townhall pundit will be the first to blame the Runaway Bride incident on "feminism, gay marriage, the decline of Judeo-Christian ethics, or some combination thereof."
Well, it turns out that the first Townhaller to address The Case of Cold-Footed Bride was Debra Saunders (although we imagine that Doug Giles, Dennis Prager, and maybe Ann Coulter will get around to discussing the matter sooner or later). But today the other pundits used their columns to address more pressing issues, such as: Laura Bush's stand-up act; that there is no constitutional right to privacy because we have no privacy from God; coffee; and Dr. Mike's latest academic feud. We should just execute the damned bride for making everybody look stupid. Worst of all, her phony alibi was unconscionable. Wilbanks' tall tale -- that she was kidnapped by an armed "Hispanic man" and white woman in a blue van -- smeared and brought suspicion to Latinos, Latino-white couples and even blue van owners.
During the four-hour window (in the middle of the night) from when she told her story until when she recanted, I seriously doubt whether any Latinos, Latino-white couples, or blue van owners were looked at suspiciously by anyone due to Wilbanks' story. Face it, Debra: you're just focusing on the phony kidnapping story because it's the only thing that Wilbanks did that is actually illegal, not because it actually inconvenienced anyone, including law enforcement authorities (who probably knew she was lying by the time she had finished telling them her tale).
But Debra not only wants to lock up the bride, she wants to smack everybody who won't prosecute Wilbanks. I don't know why, but this nonsensical understanding of forgiveness -- as if it should be given instantly, regardless of circumstances -- seems to be popular among a growing faction of Americans, on the left and the right, who are caught up in a mania for forgiving.
Yeah, America's forgiveness mania is probably our nation's most urgent problem.
In any case, I don't forgive Wilbanks. I don't NOT forgive her either. Frankly, I don't fricking care about her, and consider her antics none of my business. And since running away from home when you're an adult isn't a crime (even if you do leave your keys, wallet, and ring behind), it really isn't "America's business," despite what Debra claims (and despite what the cable news channels tried to make us believe).
P.S. As Crooks and Liars reported, Bill O'Reilly admitted on Monday that the bride wasn't actually murdered by her fiance. Yes, it seems that Bill was "completely snookered" (which is probably something that is done in the shower with a falafel). Bill now says that she's probably crazy, and that, "Even in the new America where few judgments are made, this kind of behavior cannot be tolerated. Book her, Danno." Yeah, THAT will teach her to snooker Bill!
If Laura was in Saudi Arabia, she'd have been beheaded for daring to joke about her husband's bush clearing, and for publicly discussing her husband's peccadillo with the stallion. Of course, even in America she could get whacked for squealing about her mother-in-law's Mafia affiliation. But in any case, the fact that Laura could joke about such things without being executed proves that American men are better than those damned Canadian men, who would have stoned Paul Martin's wife if she had mouthed off like Laura did. The ability to laugh at oneself ultimately is a sign of maturity, self-confidence, strength and humility. Men do that well in this country as in few others. Laura Bush's quips - even those that raised a few eyebrows - reflected well on her, as many have noted. But more to the point, they reflected well on the men we like to bash and the intact state of American manhood.
About those who would have preferred her beheaded, we reasonably might infer something else.
Yeah, Saudi men -- put that in your hookah and smoke it!
Coffee talk by John Stossel
John and his crack coffee-testing team (or coffee crack-testing team) did some taste tests on six brands of coffee. And guess what? Starbucks was rated the highest, and Folgers was the lowest! Only a contrarian like John would dare bring you such non-P.C. anti-corporate news! (Well, Consumer Reports might, but their test wouldn't be unscientific, like John's was.) Our test confirmed what coffee specialists told us: Coffee is a matter of individual taste. Expensive doesn't necessarily mean better.
And that's why Stossel is America's foremost investigative reporter.
First-year law student Ben wants us to know that the Constitution doesn't mention any "right to privacy," and so we should just be governed by Judeo-Christian values, which say that married couples can only have missionary-position sex, that gay men should be stoned to death, and that Jeb Bush owns all the women in Florida. Despite its seemingly endless permutations, the "right to privacy" has never been invoked to protect interests adverse to those espoused by social liberals. Why doesn't a private business owner have just as much right to choose whom he hires (even on the basis of race) as a homosexual man does to choose the gender of his sexual partner?
Ben is still pissed because people of both genders have the right to choose not to have sex with him. Anyway, Ben writes that Justice William O. Douglas was wrong to claim that the right of privacy is "older than the Bill of Rights," because in actuality the "Judeo-Christian worldview" is really, really old, and it doesn't believe in privacy. But Douglas never actually cites a source for this supposedly most ancient of rights, other than his own (historically inaccurate) opinion. That's because the basic thrust of biblical religion -- the system of morality the founders and citizens of the time understood to be the basis for all rights and concurrent obligations -- cuts directly against such a "right to privacy." The idea of an omniscient God opposes the idea of personal privacy. Whatever we do, from the marital bedroom to the kitchen to the workplace, is God's business. Of course, government is not God. But American morality rests on the notion that citizens may choose to reflect broad Judeo-Christian values through their elected representatives, as long as those values do not establish a particular religion as paramount. To say otherwise is not only to remove the power from the hands of the people, but to place it in the hands of a select few secular-liberal societal engineers.
So, per Ben, American morality rests on the notion that God, like Santa, sees us when we're sleeping, knows when we're awake, etc. And even though the government isn't actually God, it too has the right to put spy cameras in your bedroom, tell you who you can have sex with, and to decide what you can do with your body. And your only right as a citizen is to be subjected to these values, as interpreted by elected officials such as Jeb Bush. To say otherwise is to be a Commie or something.
Hey, Ben is a student at Harvard Law, and therefore knows more about this kind of stuff than dolts like Justice Douglas do. The fact that Ben isn't the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court is one of the biggest injustices in history.
Just like how MTV didn't kill off radio, newspapers won't be replaced by blogs. However, bloggers might get bought by corporations, or join that right-wing blog collective, and then they could replace online newspapers -- and that would be really cool! Meanwhile, the blogosphere - the fancy word for the vast digital arena where everyone from Olsen Twin stalkers to investigative journalists share their views and observations - is coalescing.
So, we can look forward to the Olsen Twin stalkers blogs being coalesced along with the investigative journalist blogs? Big media outlets are starting blogs and buying up the best bloggers. Independent bloggers are joining forces to achieve economies of scale for advertising and editorial direction. Just this week, some of the best bloggers created a small consortium called Pajamas Media. It's not inconceivable that consolidation will continue to the point where bloggers become new online newspapers.
I think we can call this the Borgization of the Blogosphere, to put it in Star Trek terms (in honor of Jonah). Hey, bloggers, resistance is futile, so sign up with World Wide Pajamas* today. *David Letterman's lawyers should talk to Roger Simon, not me.
Mike denies asking the President of North Carolina Wesleyan College to pull down his pants. We are not enemies of the First Amendment. Nor are we enemies of academic freedom as his statement suggests. In other words, we did not ask Newbould to pull his pants down. As soon as he stops insisting that "he will not pull his pants down" we can move on to other, more important, issues.
Important issues such as the fact that Dr. Mike is willing to pull down his pants for a dollar -- you know, if anybody wants him to.
Anyway, Dr. Mike's is not only upset with President Newbould for claiming that Mike asked him to pull down his pants, he's also mad that a Wesleyan professor (who, for the record, seems to as nutty as Mike) doesn't value his input. And when I offered her a chance to rebut my criticisms of her, here is what she had to say: "Sorry, Mike, you destructive bastard. You've just played your hand. F*** you."
While blunt and to the point, she should have said, "Vagina, vagina." That effects Dr. Mike like garlic does a vampire.
She's not one because of all the potty language on the program. And that's also why she doesn't much care for Laura Bush's stand-up routine. Michelle thinks that Laura was just trying to be accepted by the cool kids on the Left, and so let her herself be tempted into telling inappropriate jokes about "horse masturbation," male strippers, and being a desperate housewife whose husband has never satisfied her in bed. Lighten up, you say? No thanks. I'd rather be a G-rated conservative who can only make my kids giggle than a "South Park"/"Desperate Housewives" conservative whose goal is getting Richard Gere and Jane Fonda to snicker. Giving the Hollyweird Left the last laugh is not my idea of success.
But it wasn't the Hollyweird Left who were laughing at Laura's routine, it was Rush Limbaugh and Kathryn Jean Lopez.
Anyway, I applaud Michelle for staying true to her convervative principles, and for not blaming illegal aliens for Laura's speech.
Next week: Kathleen Parker discusses how brides in Saudi Arabia are beheaded for running. which proves that America is the best country in the world; Ben Shapiro claims that there is nothing in the Constitution about the right to run away from unwelcome nuptials; John Stossel presents a report called "Runaway Brides: Are They More Or Less Bogus Than Global Warming?"; Jonah Goldberg will explain how the runaway bride phenomenon ties in with pre-W.W.I conservative thought, if only some Corner readers will respond to his bleg on the subject; Michelle Malkin blasts the FFA FAA again, and notes that fear of the dangers posed by terrorist Syrian musicians is probably what led the bride to take the bus instead of a plane; and Mike Adams delivers a scathing rebuke to the UNCW janitor who told Dr. Mike that he couldn't use the 3rd floor restroom.
2:30:06 AM  | 
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