In any case, federal law requires that we mention our book today, and attempt to persuade you to buy a copy, since the American economy depends on it. [UPDATE: If you are going to help your country by making this all-important purchase, please do it through the link at the right side of this post. Like Marq said, that way we get an extra dime, which will mean an extra portion of kitty gruel for the adorable orphan kittens.]
So, here’s our three-pronged business strategy:
1. Write a book
However, while Scott is in Hawaii, I thought I’d try to refine the plan a little. So, here’s my improved version of the strategy:
Phase 1: Write a book
Phase 2: Get people talking about it
Phase 3: Challenge John Podhoretz to a duel
Phase 4: PROFIT!
Now let the underwear-stealing commence!
PHASE ONE: WRITE BOOK
Better Living Through Bad Movies. Done! (We’re moving right along, aren’t we?)
PHASE TWO: GET THE GRASSROOTS INVOLVED IN THE FREEDOM SPREAD
If you have read the book, we would encourage you to post your thoughts about it here. We would also humbly ask that you consider posting an Amazon.com review. (And hey, even if you haven’t read the book, if you’ve glanced at any of our “Subliminal Cinema” pieces, then you are qualified to review our book — you are also qualified to get a free small popcorn when you buy a colossal-size drink.
Anyway, to show how much we want your business, I’ll eat a bug for every ten comments posted here, and for each review posted at Amazon! Or rather, I will read and summarize one of these columns:
HUMAN EVENTS ONLINE: “Civilians Should Pay a Price for Supporting Terrorism,” by John Hawkins.
‘If you kill enough of them, they stop fighting’
HUMAN EVENTS ONLINE: “Broken Icon of Feminist Invincibility,” by Janice Shaw Crouse
WorldNetDaily: “‘Peace’ activists gone wild.” Michelle Malkin shares examples of anti-war types embracing violence
WorldNetDaily: “What are Darwinists so afraid of?”
Exclusive: Jonathan Witt cheers new Kansas science standards allowing criticism
Reason: “The virtues of riches”
Megan McArdle praises book arguing more wealth makes us more moral
Wall Street Journal: “Why does the president call the secretary of state ‘Condi’? And what exactly is his philosophy?” — Peggy Noonan
Frontpage News: “Kos, Hezbollah, and Israel,” By Dean Barnett
How much of a liability is the liberal blogosphere for the Democrats?
Townhall: “The Bible Told Them So,” by Mike S. Adams
So, you can see where eating the bug would have been the easy way out.
Along with comments on the book, you can vote here for the columns you would like to inflict on me. And if you do an Amazon review, you can even force me to read something of your own choice choosing – just post a comment here advising everyone of your review, and of the work you would like summarized.
PHASE THREE: THE DUEL
I’m sure you all remember how Bill O’Reilly tried to make his viewers (who are elderly and easily-confused, after all) think that unless he sold more copies of Who’s Looking Out for You than what Hillary Clinton sold of her autobiography, then the liberals would win the pennant, the Bible would be banned, and you would be forced to marry a gay household pet.
And while Hillary actually sold a lot more books that Bill, (forcing Bill to publicly admit that market forces had concluded that she was a better human being than he was), we thought the contest idea was a great one (especially because there is no evidence that Hillary knew anything about it). So, we’re following Bill’s example, and we’re going to challenge John Podhoretz to a book-off. The rules are simple: if, at 11:55 P.M. today, July 27, the Amazon sales ranking of Better Living Through Bad Movies is higher than that of Can She Be Stopped: Hillary Clinton Will Be the Next President of the United States Unless Bill O’Reilly Can Sell More Books Than She Does, then John must stop trading on the Podhoretz name and get a real job, preferably in the fast food industry. However, if John sells more Amazon copies of his book than we sell of ours, we will never make fun of him again. EVER!
Now, we realize that this contest is something of a David/Goliath affair, because John’s book was published by a major publisher, which presumably used its marketing department to promote it. His book was reviewed widely, and John was invited to discuss it on many television and radio programs. Plus, John has wingnut name recognition, and those movie star looks.
On the other hand, our book is a rag-tag self-published tome from the wrong side of the tracks, written by two misfits who are only one day away from retirement. So, this does seem kind of unfair – but hey, we are up to a challenge.
(BTW, currently Better Living Through Bad Movies is #146,200, while Can She Be Stopped… is #324,411 – so, you might not have to do anything at all to ensure that Podhoretz gets the trouncing he deserves. But if a couple of you bought a copy of our book, then our victory would be assured, unless his mother happens to buy a couple of copies of John’s book today. So, maybe three of you will have to purchase Better Living. Don’t force us to never mock J-Pod again!)
PHASE FOUR: PROFIT!
With each book we sell, we are .25 closer to buying the kitten food that little Bix and Kit need so desperately. (Lupita and Valeria are no longer looking up at us with their big, orphan eyes and meowing plaintively for food, because they had to be sold into prostitution – John Stossel told us it was either that, or they had to sell their organs, because Santa Claus doesn’t give dollies to poor girls.)
So, yeah, we are eagerly awaiting the “profits” phase.
And the part where J-Pod gets the job at Jiffy Lube.
18 Responses to “It’s National ‘Plug Your Book Day’!”Will give read for posterity’s sake. But I want to claim here that I’m almost royalty when it comes to writing bad books.