The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, (2006 to 2010).

Current posts can be found here.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Foley Reveals Source of Perviness: Was "Bad-Touched" By Xenu

Former Congressman Mark Foley has sought treatment for a previously unsuspected addiction to alcohol, which apparently resulted in his widely-known predeliction for text-messaging horny teens during votes in the House of Representatives. Eschewing the Alcoholics Anonymous and its infamous left-wing bias in favor of personal accountability, Mr. Foley has placed himself in the clinically-proven care of the Church of Scientology, which can short-circuit the notoriously inefficient 12 Steps by simply wiring his penis to an E-Meter.

But apparently demon rum was not the only culprit. According to Foley’s attorney, the ex-lawmaker’s need to clarify whether Congressional pages used lotion and tissues, or simply jacked-off into a towel can be directly traced to a childhood encounter with a rather hands-on clergyman. The lawyer declined to name names, or to specify the tactile preacher’s denomination, but by assembling the evidence so far accumulated, we can easily deduce the unsavory priest’s identity:
Meanwhile, Chicago Tribune columnist Eric Zorn informs us that l’affair Foley is one of the few political scandals that has managed to enrich the language without recourse to the suffix “-gate”:
When U.S. Rep. Mark Foley told reporters Monday he was entering treatment for alcoholism in the wake of this scandal, reader Tim Howe came up with a new word to describe the attempt to make problems magically disappear by announcing you are seeking help to battle an addiction: Rehabracadabra.
At press time, The Steve Miller Band was reportedly rushing to the recording studio in an effort to capitalize on the buzz.

Someone set Mark Foley up the bomb!
Fuck him. Having been prey is no excuse to become a predator. What the fuck happened to the party of personal responsibility? What the fuck happened to the disdain for moral relativism? Is it okay to make “Blame society” excuses as long as the do-er is a rich white guy who could have gotten rehab and therapy long before he started going after kids? Seriously, WTF?
I can’t tell if these assholes are making me more angry or sick.
The true funny of the situation is how quickly Foley adopted the “Wah! I was molested, too! Please, please pity my pathetic ass!!!1!” defense. Of course, his party has spent years and years disparaging “welfare queens” and other “undeserving malcontents” for being too “lazy” to join the “ever burgeoning” middle class. I’ll bet they’re confused as to why nobody’s buying this “poor little victim me” defense. I sure hope they don’t develop brain hernias from the colossal strain, poor babies
As defenses go, he couldn’t have picked a more pathetic one. Look what he’s saying:
“I was violated by someone as a child, and it’s a horrible experience that I had no reservations about inflicting it on someone else-or a BUNCH of kids!”
Meanwhile, Chicago Tribune columnist Eric Zorn informs us that l’affair Foley is one of the few political scandals that has managed to enrich the language without recourse to the suffix “-gate”:
Au contraire. I’ve seen other blogs refer to this debacle as “Masturgate.”
you may not be aware that before it took on its present political connotation, the word “chickenhawk” was a term for a man who liked to hunt for very young guys, for sex.
Actually I HAD heard the term used in the original context. When I started seeing it used the other way, the two meanings kinda linked together in my head, probably because the two groups have about the same moral standards.
Yes. I use it in exactly that context in the “That’s Our Hindraker” thread, though the modern meaning applies, too. I also get to trot out that wonderfully descriptive word for underaged sex-objects of a boylike nature, “twinks.”
I see by the picture that the blue dress has been found.

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