Earlier this evening I composed a piece so sublime that it undoubtedly would have ushered in a new age of peace, love, and snark, but before I could post it, my computer crashed. (Apparently Windows doesn’t like some other program on the thing, but I don’t know which one — and since it has been over a year since I installed anything new, I have to suspect that the computer has developed an allergy to itself. But I’m hoping to get confirmation of this from Dr. House.)
So, since no computer is the boss of me, I created a half-assed version of the piece — but before I could post it, or even save it, I lost my AOL connection. A thorough investigation by a bipartisan committee revealed that this occurred because Flossie had chewed through the phone connection line. And since I just got back the vacuum cleaner after she chewed up the cord (Cost? No one can say!), I had no choice but to denounce Flossie as a terrorist.
And while I was waiting for the feds to whisk her away to a holding cell in an undisclosed European country where she wouldn’t actually be tortured but merely subjected to some good-natured abuse, I had to rearrange all the furniture in my bedroom so I could use the much-shorter phone line that I found in a box of old computer stuff, and thus get back on line.
So, you might say I’m a tad bitter right now. Therefore, it’s the perfect time to read Dr. Adams Hate Mail of the Week.
September 2006Okay, class, let’s analyze this exchange and see what we can learn from it.
Mike, Try as you might, you will never measure up to Ann Coulter. She’s much more clever, much better looking, and far more intelligent. Sorry, Mike, ‘ol boy.
Oh, and you’ll also never be President. Poor you.
– Transgendered Tony
I agree wholeheartedly, Tony. I could never be Ann Coulter without having my genitalia removed. But it may help my chances of winning California in 2008.
p.s. I wish we would have met earlier. I could have saved you money on your operation – the parts, if not the labor.
The first point that struck me was Dr. Mike’s bold claim that Ann Coulter had her male genitalia removed. While he may or may not be right about this, in this litigious era I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if Ann Coulter didn’t sue Mike for libel. (And if she doesn’t, I bet Michelle Malkin does.)
And I found it troubling that Dr. Mike would state that he could have saved Tony some money on female body parts if Tony would have contacted him before he had his gender reassignment surgery. Was Dr. Mike suggesting that he has connections in the world of wholesale vaginas, or was something more sinister implied in that offer? I believe that UNCW should check into this matter ASAP.
And lastly, I think we can all agree that “Transgendered Tony,” like so many of Dr. Mike’s previous correspondents, is fictional, because no real person would make any claims about Ann Coulter’s intelligence or looks, even in an effort to disparage someone like Dr. Mike.
Anyway, that’s what I got from this hate mail and Mike’s response to it. But what about YOU?
Oh, and if you don’t have anything more to add to the deconstruction of the Dr. Mike’s Letters, you can analyze Pastor Swank’s bizarre rant about “The View,” particularly this section:
Meredith-gone-to-Today was liberal enough. But at least she smiled every time she spoke liberalese. I recall her one crude slip when she mixed liberal with uncouth. Just before a commercial break, she hollered out: “Time for you women to have your organism.”Try not to speculate what this implies about Pastor Swank’s sex life.
In any case, Dr. Mike will be back later to tell us another story about his exciting work as a narc. But I have to go now, since a smoke alarm is chirping, which is driving the dogs crazy. (I just changed the batteries last week, so I suspect that this too is the work of terrorists, although I don’t know how Flossie managed to reach that high.) And I have a really bad headache. But I don’t blame Flossie for that — I blame Mike ‘n Swank.