The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, (2006 to 2010).

Current posts can be found here.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

The Dog Ate My Post

Earlier this evening I composed a piece so sublime that it undoubtedly would have ushered in a new age of peace, love, and snark, but before I could post it, my computer crashed. (Apparently Windows doesn’t like some other program on the thing, but I don’t know which one — and since it has been over a year since I installed anything new, I have to suspect that the computer has developed an allergy to itself. But I’m hoping to get confirmation of this from Dr. House.)

So, since no computer is the boss of me, I created a half-assed version of the piece — but before I could post it, or even save it, I lost my AOL connection. A thorough investigation by a bipartisan committee revealed that this occurred because Flossie had chewed through the phone connection line. And since I just got back the vacuum cleaner after she chewed up the cord (Cost? No one can say!), I had no choice but to denounce Flossie as a terrorist.

And while I was waiting for the feds to whisk her away to a holding cell in an undisclosed European country where she wouldn’t actually be tortured but merely subjected to some good-natured abuse, I had to rearrange all the furniture in my bedroom so I could use the much-shorter phone line that I found in a box of old computer stuff, and thus get back on line.

So, you might say I’m a tad bitter right now. Therefore, it’s the perfect time to read Dr. Adams Hate Mail of the Week.
September 2006
Mike, Try as you might, you will never measure up to Ann Coulter. She’s much more clever, much better looking, and far more intelligent. Sorry, Mike, ‘ol boy.
Oh, and you’ll also never be President. Poor you. :(
– Transgendered Tony
I agree wholeheartedly, Tony. I could never be Ann Coulter without having my genitalia removed. But it may help my chances of winning California in 2008.
p.s. I wish we would have met earlier. I could have saved you money on your operation – the parts, if not the labor.
Okay, class, let’s analyze this exchange and see what we can learn from it.

The first point that struck me was Dr. Mike’s bold claim that Ann Coulter had her male genitalia removed. While he may or may not be right about this, in this litigious era I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if Ann Coulter didn’t sue Mike for libel. (And if she doesn’t, I bet Michelle Malkin does.)

And I found it troubling that Dr. Mike would state that he could have saved Tony some money on female body parts if Tony would have contacted him before he had his gender reassignment surgery. Was Dr. Mike suggesting that he has connections in the world of wholesale vaginas, or was something more sinister implied in that offer? I believe that UNCW should check into this matter ASAP.

And lastly, I think we can all agree that “Transgendered Tony,” like so many of Dr. Mike’s previous correspondents, is fictional, because no real person would make any claims about Ann Coulter’s intelligence or looks, even in an effort to disparage someone like Dr. Mike.

Anyway, that’s what I got from this hate mail and Mike’s response to it. But what about YOU?

Oh, and if you don’t have anything more to add to the deconstruction of the Dr. Mike’s Letters, you can analyze Pastor Swank’s bizarre rant about “The View,” particularly this section:
Meredith-gone-to-Today was liberal enough. But at least she smiled every time she spoke liberalese. I recall her one crude slip when she mixed liberal with uncouth. Just before a commercial break, she hollered out: “Time for you women to have your organism.”
Try not to speculate what this implies about Pastor Swank’s sex life.

In any case, Dr. Mike will be back later to tell us another story about his exciting work as a narc. But I have to go now, since a smoke alarm is chirping, which is driving the dogs crazy. (I just changed the batteries last week, so I suspect that this too is the work of terrorists, although I don’t know how Flossie managed to reach that high.) And I have a really bad headache. But I don’t blame Flossie for that — I blame Mike ‘n Swank.
I agree wholeheartedly, Tony. I could never be Ann Coulter without having my genitalia removed. But it may help my chances of winning California in 2008.
Ah, c’mon Mike. They can do wonders with microsurgery these days. [rimshot]
(And say, are the comments really in 105 pt type or did you just set the preview to ‘Geezer’?)
Join us tomorrow, when Pastor Swank claims, in one of his 57 columns of the day, the Rosie is a thespian. Or was that a Lebanese? I always get those two confused.
…that Rosie is a thespian.”
BTW, r/e Flossie chewing on power cords and stuff–they make some anti-chewing concoctions that O found effective with my previous lab (he would chew his own paw pads until they were sore). The current one went through a brief phase eating up my dad’s shoes, but stopped after a few months. That Bitter Apple-type stuff should be available at most pet stores.
Man, I’m confused: I was all ready to say how grateful I am that S.Z. is back (and I am) and then I get to Swankster quotes and fall into a nonsensical jibber-jabber void. But I still love WO’C.
Hey s.z. if I may offer a suggestion…compose your postings in something other than Blogger (or whatever text window you use) and c&p when ready to send.
I, of course, do this because I am such a terrible speller I have to run everything through a spell checker to avoid complete embarrassment, but as a bonus I end up with a record (and a backup) of all my comments. Or, to put it another way, did I really post something that stupid?
Oh and ‘Transgendered Tony’? Teh funny. You go Doc.
Go easy on the Swankster s.z. It’s probably what’s giving you that headache.
I have no idea what ol’ Adam meant with his “parts” comment. I could understand if he said he could help with the labor (because threating a MtF with castration is the type of clueless thing he would do), but the parts? I’m afraid your snarky answer is the correct one. Someone needs to check his crawlspaces.
Actually, with a name like “Tony”, I’m not sure whether the person is an MTF or FTM transexual.
I’m not sure Mikey knows either.
Swank gives me headaches too. My sympathies re the computers and furry terrorists, S.Z. Just replaced my hard drive only to discover that for some reason I only managed to save half my bookmarks from the old one. Your blogroll has been a great help, btw.
Now, if only someone knew where that page was with all the RV cardstock models…
…..did Dr Mike just say he could provide a vagina for “Transgendered Tony”?
‘Cause that’s a really fucking weird thing to say, even for Dr Mike.
Maybe he saw the word ‘Transgendered’ and went into an incoherent stupor from castration phobia.
Actually, with a name like “Tony”, I’m not sure whether the person is an MTF or FTM transexual.
I’m not sure Mikey knows either.
Oh, Dr. Professor knows. Since “Tony teh TV” is entirely a figment of the dear Professor’s diseased imagination, he knows “Tony” quite well. In fact, Dr. Professor Mike has memorized every glistening inch of… herm.
That’s what I’ve been doing wrong. I should’ve been having an organism.

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