The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, world-o-crap.com (2006 to 2010).

Current posts can be found here.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

May God Have Mercy On Our Souls

On Customer Appreciation Day, Scott and I announced that as a small token of appreciation and stupidity, we would view, summarize, and draw life-changing lessons from whichever two movies received the most votes from you, the Better Living Through Bad Movies buyer (and also from you, the Wo’C reader).

But this offer is due to expire soon: you only have until midnight on Sunday, Sept, 3, to finish identifying worthy movies, making your case about why they deserve the BLTBM treatement, and voting for the ones you most want to force Scott and I to suffer through.

On Monday, I will ask Scott to use some kind of a scientific method to pick the movie that each of us will be learning the character-building lessons from. (And it’s no fair for him to pick the easiest one for himself)

So, fans of bad cinema (and people who just hate Scott and me), have at it! But remember, I know where some of you blog. 
 

47 Responses to “May God Have Mercy On Our Souls”

I have 10 suggestions, all of them either painful or baffling:
1. Baise Moi.
2. Hostel.
3. In the Realm of the Senses.
4. Manos, the Hands of Fate.
5. Forbidden Zone.
6. Solaris(the original Russian version)
7. the Bela Lugosi version of Murders in the Rue Morgue.
8. Immortel (ad vitam).
9. I Spit On Your Grave.
10. Snakes on a Plane.
Easy!
[1] Tin Cup – ’nuff said
[2] Practical Magic – oof
Dammit, I forgot to make my case for each of these.
1. Baise Moi is a pretentious French mash-up of hard core porn, woman on the run exploitation film, and retro New Wave aesthetics that manages to wring itself dry of everything that makes each of those genres fun or entertaining in any way.
2. Hostel: Bad makeup, bad script, serviceable acting. I didn’t know that the optic never squirted mayonaisse when severed…
3. In the Realm of the Senses. Japanese arty porn, plus a castration.
4. Manos, the Hands of Fate. One of the best MST3K’s ever. We all remember Torgo. We all want to be Torgo.
5. Forbidden Zone. Completely inexplicable attempt to make a live action Fleischer cartoon…and it has Danny Elfman and Herve Villchaize.
6. Solaris(the original Russian version)…if you can make it past the ten minute long montage of Russian highways, it’s actually a nifty little sci-fi movie.
7. The Bela Lugosi version of Murders in the Rue Morgue. They added a mad scientist, and turned it into a whacked out anti-evolution parable…dreadful on all levels.
8. Immortel (ad vitem). Mutants and Egyptian Gods in New York of the Future. I’m not certain if this even has a story, but it is one of the oddest looking films ever…and the scene with Bastet and Anubis trying to figure out how to play monoply amused me to no end.
9. I Spit On Your Grave. Gang rape and castrations. Need I say more?
10. Snakes on a Plane. Snakes on a Plane. Motherfuckin’ Snakes on a Motherfukin’ Plane!
Troll 2
Roadhouse (Patrick Swayze version, of course)
Glitter
Over the Rainbow (seriously. Carrie Fisher and a gaggle of midgets. It is spec-friggin’-tacular.)
Revenge of the Sith
Xanadu
Highlander II: The Quickening
Won Ton Ton: The Dog that Saved Hollywood
Crossroads (Britney Spears)
Employee of the Month (it’s not out yet, but maybe you could prognosticate it?)
and my all time, hands down, nobody could possibly ever beat this for how bad it is (but also nobody’s ever seen it):
Secret Agent Double-O-Soul starring Billy Dee Williams.
(And as an encore: Rollerblade)
Any of the Star Wars prequels, of course. But those just suck.
If you can find a copy of either “The Swarm” or “King Kong Lives,” do yourself a favor and watch them. They really are very funny movies, however unintentionally. I reviewed them on the website linked above, and hard as you will find it to believe after reading about them, I described them very accurately.
Also “For Y’ur Height Only,” starring the Filipino midget James Bond.
Oh my. I think my suggestion Robin Hood:Prince of Thieves is totally out of the running thanks to these BRILLIANT ideas:
The Giant Claw–Goofy and with an actor who was on the MST3K: The Movie(Jeff Morrow)
Secret Agent Double -O-Soul–just cuz I love the title, and it reminds me of when I cracked my boyfriend up the hardest (different movie, but same genre)
King Kong Lives- Cuz I saw the remake in whatever year, I loved it (for whatever reason) but by the time this came out, I realized how wrong and horrible the first remake was and this was the dog doo doo ont top of that. Yes, I want to hurt this movie–BAD. I’ve never seen it, but it deserves to DIE!
Also “For Y’ur Height Only,” starring the Filipino midget James Bond.
Oh, man, absolutely. This movie is simply mind-blowing and there’s some awesome fight scenes. There’s also a sequal with a humorous pun on Bond and midgets, but it’s escaping me at the moment.
My suggestion is Cisco Pike, staring tBogg-wannabe Kris Kristofferson. Not only is it a big heapin’ slice of the early ’70s (“What’d you do last night, man?” “I was makin’ it with my old lady and smokin’ grass, man.” “Outtasite, man.” All white guys), but it finally explains where the surly, untrustworthy, childish but nevertheless incredibly sexy/lovable/forgivable dudes that make up the vast majority of frontmen for alt-country bands. Seriously. It’s like Cisco Pike is the avatar of every Western-shirt wearing douche that had sex with the entire female swath of his girlfriend’s acquaintences, emptied out her bank account to buy Jack Daniels, stepped-on blow and back issues of “No Depression”, and puked in her car, yet has the terminity to write a bad rip-off of Gram Parsons (who was already a bad rip-off of Merle Haggard, and that’s being generous) blaming it on her. Then, he gets his ex-frat brother to play really, really, really bad banjo on the recording. I know way too many cats that owe Father’s Day cards to Kris Kristofferson’s characterization in this stinker.
Not even the combined power of Gene Hackman and Harry Dean Stanton could make up for just the generally unlikability of what’s supposed to be a sympathetic, Byronesque anti-hero poet-badboy type. He’s also the rudest pot dealer I’ve ever seen. I bought a whole lot of pot in my time, and I’ve never ever met anyone that wasn’t at the very least polite and efficient. Cisco Pike’s a surly douchebag that insults people who could quite probably get his ass busted by the cops.
But Doug Sahm’s five-minute scene almost makes it worth it, for me anyway. I loves me some Sir Douglas, but I imagine the guy was a chore to be around for extended periods of time. And there’s a neat Sonny Terry tune in it, Kristofferson’s tunes are awesome (back when he could do no wrong in that area) and a plethora of them cool early ’70s women with the big, fluffy hair and the whole flowing way of taking up space and making it look pretty that they did so well back then.
As a bad movie aficionado, I’ve been to many sites that review bad movies. There is one “movie that I have seen slain even the staunchest bad movie critic. The reviewer from Something Awful, a site thar specializes in Grade Z Direct to Video crap, after describing a hypothetical where you kill your girlfriend, your dog, your best fried, and contract AIDS he says:
Despite all this, you have nothing to complain about because you fucking haven’t seen “Nukie.
A little over the top, I agree. How bad could it be?
The Forbidden Zone is available through Netflix
I have actually seen about half of it. Never finished it mainly because we started watching around 11pm. It is defnitely one of the strangest things I have seen in a long time.
My vote is for “Who’s Afaid of Virginia Woolf”
“Megaforce.”
because i know you guys love Barry Bostwick and spandex outfits, not necessarily in that order.
Cherry 2000 (1987)
# rufus xavier sarsaparilla Says:
September 3rd, 2006 at 10:39 am

“Megaforce.”
because i know you guys love Barry Bostwick and spandex outfits, not necessarily in that order.

You are in LUCK! They did Megaforce for the book! It was hilarious! Run out..er surf over to Amazon (use their link) or any other online bookstore and buy it today! (saw it available on target.com, too!)
Can I vote twice? My first choice was “The Exorcist II” (James Earl Jones as Pazuzu, Dee Bod Grosshopper; Richard Burton so drunk he can’t see to remember his lines; a Sufi disco in a cave on top of a mountain), but someone mentioned “The Swarm”, which brought back memories of Richard Widmark as an Air Force General pointing out the projected path of the killer bees on a gas station map of Houston and the mountains a few miles outside of Houston where the train crashes when the bees attack, and of course one can’t mention “The Swarm” without its bringing to mind that other masterwork from the mind of Irwin Allen, “The Towering Inferno,” with O.J. as the Security Guard who rescues a kitten from the 80th floor; Paul Newman as The Architect; Steve McQueen as The Fire Chief; Richard Chamberlain as William Holden’s snivelling son who used shoddy wiring to save money on Dad’s skyscraper, with the tragic consequences foretold by the title of the film.
Allen’s “The Poseidon Adventure” ranks up there, too (in more ways than one), but I think it’s been overdone.
Have you ever done the 1979-or-so _Flash Gordon_ with the score by Queen? If only there were more occasions to warrant saying, in the manner of burly British scene-chewer Brian Blessed, “Fly, my hawkmen, fly!”
Aside from my firts suggestion of “Vice Squad,” how about the baffling 1984 epic, “Gwendoline,” aka “The Perils of Gwendoline in the Land of the Yik Yak.” It has all the essentials: a talentless leading lady in Tawny Kitaen*, an incomprehensible ploy (not aided by the fact that it was mostly filmed in French and was very badly dubbed), and heaping, heaping boatloads of gratuitous nudity. And a lead actor with the suspiciously porny-sounding name, Brent Huff, though I note he is working to this very day, mostly on TV. As with “Vice Squad,” I note that this had a recent DVD release, with around 15 minutes of footage that wasn’t in the US release. I’m guessing that it’s even more nudity, ‘cos there just wasn’t enough.
*Well, Tawny did have one talent: at talent for being nude!
I just recently saw Gwendoline, from Netflix…much more entertaining than Baise Moi, but, than, pretty much everything is.
And speaking of Flash Gordon, I would like to add to the recommendations Flesh Gordon, the soft core porn version of the story. It has some genuinely well done stop motion monsters, including the legendary Penis-saurus.
Hmmmm. How about White Zombie or Mildred Pierce? I’m sure both contain many valuable life lessons.
Basharov is onto it. There’s gobs of shitty, cheap flicks out there, the truly ugly ones start from big budgets, lofty personae and high expectations that will crash and burn with spectacular panache. Stone’s Alexander comes to mind.
Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death.
Addrienne Barbeau’s finest hour and the launching of Bill Maher’s career.
I’m with nolocontendere. It’s the big budget disasters, the $100 million stinkers, the ones that when you stumble out of the theater you say “What the fuck were they thinking?” that deserve the inimitable SZ and Scott technique.
I speak here of the Demi Moore version of “The Scarlet Letter”: hot tubs, dusky female slave masturbation by candlelight, feminine empowerment groups, a naked Robert Duvall dancing like a dervish in the flickering light of Indian campfires wearing a deer carcass on his head, and, last but not least, a happy ending, with Demi, Gary Oldman, and the obnoxious little brat riding off into the sunset in a buggy after escaping an Indian attack.
And Demi was paid $15 million for this?
1. Manos, The Hands of Fate – embodies the complete meaningless of life, the hopelessness of relationships, the difficulty of finding good help, and why people should stay home and not drive around wasting gas.
2. The Brain that Wouldn’t Die – complete misogyny. The only woman with a brain is the one without a body.
3. Sweet Sugar – What happens if you get on the wrong side of the law….
Oh….Scarlet Letter…..ooooooooooooh.
And again, gotta say, I don’t think they are going to do any movie that was already on MST3k.
To the guy who said Highlander2: The Quickening–you are as lucky as anyone, cuz it’s in their book already as well!
They already watched it for the lifelessons, so you don’t have to!
Take a look at “All That Heaven Allows.” True, this isn’t technically bad; in fact, it’s bizarrely compelling. In the end, its heart is in the right place, but its high-fifties idea of a social problem is, frankly, insane. The plot–widow (Jane Wyman) falls in love with a younger man (Rock Hudson)–gasp!!–who rejects corporate America, doesn’t care about money, and hsngs around with bearded, pipe-smoking beatniks.
‘Nuff said, I think.
In the hope that your deadline was midnight in the Pacific Time Zone, I’d like to nominate “A Summer Place.” Definitely the gooniest movie ever made. In second place, how about “Play Misty for Me”?
Oops, I cut off my second paragraph, which pointed out that “A Summer Place” has lots of opportunities to make fun of the 1950s, which would probably make James Lileks cry a lot. And “Play Misty for Me” is a stunning expose of the horror of women with bad shag haircuts throwing themselves at poor, besieged Clint Eastwood. It makes you weep for the hidden costs of fame. Plus, there’s a concert sequence!
Oooooooooooh, ?
I also vote for this one! Wait, I do get more than ONE vote, right?
As a late entry, may I suggest The Crocodile Hunter’s Collision Course? It seems he died today in a freak stingray accident. This baffled me, since stringrays are arguably one of the least lethal things in Australia.
I’m very depressed about this. But while he seemed like a really nice guy, and he did a lot of really cool things for a lot of otherwise-unloved animals, I have to admit, he was fucking annoying to watch, and that movie sucked lizards.
Alas, battling Islamofascists and rabid lambs made me miss the deadline but I offer Air Force One. I think the description says it all:
The role of Air Force One in the United States Presidency from FDR to George W. Bush.
I will have to insist, however, that you throw away all liquids before watching this movie.
So I’m a little late to the party but I’ve got reccomend The Stuff, a classic of the horror movie genre to be sure.
It’s got a lot going for it between semi recognizable actors (Michael Moriarty and Paul Sorvino) doing some of the worst work of their careers, a plot so absurd it defies desctiption, and, most of all, it’s about a killer dessert porduct that turns people ito zombies (one that looks suspiciously like yogurt). What could be better?
I’m throwing down the gauntlet (again) on “The Curious Dr. Humpp” – yes, that’s “Humpp” with 2 p’s, whatever that means. As I said before, you guys are good, really good, but this one may be too much for even your considerable skills. I usually manage to talk a lot during bad movies (my children will confirm this) but this one left me literally slack-jawed and speechless. But, hey, as a second runner-up, how about “Charlie’s Angels”?
Okay I know it is official past the deadline but seeing as I bought not 1 but 2 copies of the book, I am hoping for some consideration.
Some friends of mine suggested “The Lost Continent”. They assume me it is a worthy subject. You have to take that with a grain of salt as they loved “The Forbidden Zone”
Um, has anyone seen Scott and S.Z. lately? They haven’t been accepted into some kind of movie critic relocation program, have they?
They are well and fine, having a tough time making the decision though–I know that much.
regarding my post at 1:30 this morning…I pretty much fell asleep at the keyboard and forgot I was posting something when I got up to go to bed. Not a lie.
Anyway, the “ooooooooh” was for: A Summer Place. I saw it and it does have life lessons to be learned.
As for Lost Continent, again–that was an MST3k ep. Funny coincidence–we were watching that last night during dinner!
C’mon… you know you want to review Captain America (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0103923/) or The Barbarians (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0092615/). You won’t regret it! Or maybe you will…? :)
I’d recommend Doc Savage.
I nominate Battlefield Earth!!! Please, please, please…
Battlefield Earth is in the book. Cheating, too easy. We want fresh torments!
OK, this is way late, but true inspiration struck! The Last Dinosaur! This 1977 stinker stars Richard Boone as a rich safari enthusiast who’s shot everything under the sun–except a tyrannosaurus. Lucky for him, a live one is found, and he’s off to kill it! Originally planned to be a theatrical release, the US/Japan co-production instead premiered on tee vee, always a sure sign of quality. The dinosaur stuff is done with Godzilla-style man-in-suit technology, and wotta suit! Actually, for 1977 TV, the vfx are pretty decent, but this was before the first version of “Battlestar Galactica” premiered with then cutting-edge vfx. Man, I haven’t seen this since ’77, and though I was pretty forgiving at the time, I thought it was pretty sucky back then! Though, admittedly, I wanted the dinosaur to win. Until the Jurassic Park films, the dinosaur never wins. [pout]
That squatty-lookin’ thing on the video cover? Ayup, it’s the t-rex. [chortle!]
David E:
I believe you are referring to Under the Rainbow, which not only had midgets and Carrie Fisher, but also Chevy Chase.
One of my all-time favorite bad movies is the 1980 OJ Simpson Greyhound Bus disaster movie, “Detour to Terror”: A homicidal dune-buggy trio terrorizes a busload of Las Vegas bound tourists with the intent to kidnap one of them.
Ooh, it did! (Careful, he may post again using another name.)
“You are in LUCK! They did Megaforce for the book! It was hilarious! Run out..er surf over to Amazon (use their link) or any other online bookstore and buy it today! (saw it available on target.com, too!)”
now i feel like a complete doofus, since i read the book last month.
i think it was too much bad movie overload (i happened to have seen a bit of “Waterworld” in there somewhere and it turned my brain to mush.)
i know it’s too late to make another suggestion, but my other choice would be “Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn”.
“The Beastmaster”
Because when my nephew was 4 or 5, it was his favorite movie, so I had to watch it over and over and over. So I began MST3K-ing it (before I knew about that show, BTW)
If you DON’T do this one, I’ll be happy to attempt it, though my effort will likely fall short of yours.
oops-missed the deadline. But to be fair there was a family emergency* over the weekend, so it was easy to lose track of time.
*I’d rather not go into it, but one of my sisters is currently in an ICU. She lives in Colorado, and I can’t afford the airfare or the time off from work. (My mother flew there Sunday.)
*I’d rather not go into it, but one of my sisters is currently in an ICU. She lives in Colorado, and I can’t afford the airfare or the time off from work. (My mother flew there Sunday.)
Bill, that…sucks. I hope she pulls through OK and recovers from whatever put her in there. And may you win Powerball or something, so you’ll always have the option of dropping everything and going.
Thanks, Marq.
The original Solaris has the honor of being the only movie i’ve screamed “END! END!” continuosly through its final third.
I second the suggestion of The Swarm. It has one of my all time favorite movie lines, said by michael Caine: “The bees? I always thought the bees were our friends.”
It also features Katherine Ross(i think) hallucinating that her husband is giant bee while he tries to talk to her, or something like that.

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