The World O' Crap Archive

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Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Stuff You Probably Didn't Know

Amazing Fact # 1: The English language is doomed, DOOMED! 

Yes, English is on its death bed, and it’s all your fault, for not instituting some sort of federal language police to force everyone to speak English in their homes.  Michael “Nepotism ‘R Us” Reagan explains it all in ”English: The Vanishing Language.”
All across the U.S., hordes of immigrants — legal and illegal — are chattering away in their native language and have no intention of learning English — the all-but-official language of the United States where they now live.
The bastards!  Imagine that, they’re chattering away, and not in the all-but-official language of this country!  (BTW, if only we could have made English our official language, and Republican our official political party, then maybe we could have prevented this situation)

Man, things were sure better in the old days, when foreigners didn’t dare defy the “age-old custom of immigrants to our shores,” and everyone was forced to learn English or die!
It was a case of sink or swim. If you couldn’t speak English you couldn’t get by, go to school, get a job, or become a citizen and vote.
Yeah, back then there were no Little Italys, Chinatowns, Greek sections, etc.  And we liked it that way!
But now for the scientific proof of Michael’s claim about how printing ballots in other languages caused the extinction of English:
Nowadays we kowtow to demands that everything from ballots to official documents be presented in many native languages as well as in English.
The result? According to Census Bureau statistics reported in HUMAN EVENTS:
In California, 42.3 percent of the people do not speak English at home. More than 28 percent speak Spanish instead.
So, how would Ronald Reagan handle this crisis?  I’m guessing he’d use some sort of anti-Spanish laser missile technology.  And that’s what the situation requires, because our good friend English is on his very death bed –  he was murdered, and somebody is responsible!
Tragically, the answer to the question of English surviving the immigrant invasion is probably “no.” The English language is on its death bed, a victim of the enablers.  
Personally, I don’t know how long I can hold out, so if you check back and this blog is written in Sanskrit or something, I hope you’ll avenge it.

Amazing Fact #2: There is Now an Annie Jacobsen Protocol
The Moonie Times’ own air-terror girl reporter, Audrey Hudson, has the story:
A dozen passengers who exhibited suspicious behavior aboard a U.S. airline flight to India were arrested by Dutch officials yesterday after the American pilot requested a military escort and emergency landing in Amsterdam.
The passengers apparently carried a suspicious number of cell phones, used them suspiciously, spoke a suspicious language, and had a suspicious color of skin.
Officials in Europe declined to disclose the nationalities or the arrest charges, but passengers said the 12 persons taken off the plane in handcuffs appeared to be Middle Eastern.
Shows you why you shouldn’t listen to passengers.  For, as we now know, the suspicious men were Indian, Dutch authorities found no evidence they posed a terrorist threat, and their government has lodged a “strong protest” at the way the Netherlands handled the incident.

But let’s go back to Audrey, who has Annie herself on the line:
No protocol was in place to divert a plane two years ago when passengers suspected a terrorist dry-run aboard Northwest Flight 327 from Detroit to Los Angeles, said Annie Jacobsen, who recounted the events and a government cover-up in her book “Terror in the Skies.”
“I know firsthand from the homeland security inspectors who visited me in my kitchen, there was no protocol to divert a flight based on suspicious activity. Now, obviously, there is and perhaps Northwest is leading the pack,” Mrs. Jacobsen said.
I think we can all rest a little easier in the knowledge that there is now a protocol in place to protect us from swarthy men who glare at white women.
Mrs. Jacobsen and other passengers on Flight 327 said a group of men claiming to be Syrian musicians carried suspicious, odd-shaped packages, including a McDonald’s bag, cameras and cell phones, into the bathroom.
Amazing sub-fact #1: McDonald’s bags are now considered not only suspicious, but also odd-shaped.  The company should really hire a PR-firm to fight this kind of discriminiation.
Passengers suspected they were building a bomb.
Annie and her husband were passengers, so I guess this statement is true. But what Audrey fails to report is that these passengers were WRONG, and NOTHING HAPPENED on this flight.  

You know, if I were a Moonie, I’d complain to the Master about how my flower-selling money was being mispent.

17 Responses to “Stuff You Probably Didn’t Know”

“I know firsthand from the homeland security inspectors who visited me in my kitchen,
Why do I have a feeling that she also got firsthand info from the magical dwarves with wings who visted her in her kitchen?
I have been teaching EFL (English as a Foreign Language) for several years now, and I know there are many, many others like me teaching all over the world. And yes, there are lots of us teaching English INSIDE the USA. English is a language that is growing, not disappearing. By the way–try and explain English to a non-native speaker sometime. You may decide maybe we DO need another, more logical language.
Personally, I don’t know how long I can hold out, so if you check back and this blog is written in Sanskrit or something, I hope you’ll avenge it.
I’ll wait until they stop you from speaking Anasazi
It was a case of sink or swim. If you couldn’t speak English you couldn’t get by, go to school, get a job, or become a citizen and vote.
Who *is* this fuckwit? I mean, yes, okay, I know, but who does he *think* he is?
Immigrants have *never* learned English en masse. (Yes, yes, French, I know.) Their *kids* learn English. They tend to stay in their communities and work their asses off and pick up what they can. They haven’t the time or money for lessons. Their kids, as I understand it from studies and have watched it in action, learn English and speak it naturally in addition to their parents’ language, which generally makes them one language smarter than the rest of us. Their grandkids, of course, are pretty much English-only, just like all the rest of us. English is *not* endangered. Except by assholes like Gee Dubya.
And what kind of entitled, arrogant, self-righteous prick thinks it’s wrong to give people a very important document, like a ballot or a copy of your Miranda rights or your rental agreement, in the language they speak *best*? I don’t care how goddamned fluent you are in French, if you go to Quebec and try to buy a car, you’re not going to want that in French, if it is not your first damned language.
Of course, the self-involved selfish, entitled bastard is a Reagan, which pretty much explains everything. And for all that Ronnie was The Great Communicator, he really wasn’t that good at actual college-essay-style English. But who the hell is? If you can get your point across, that is generally good enough for the rest of us. (And no, Dubya doesn’t even get that far.) Legal documents, on the other hand, are something where you would want *no* misunderstandings.
As for Annie, what the hell is there left to say? I’m going to Hawaii in November, and I’m guessing I’m far more likely to encounter some dumbass deciding to steal some poor Sikh bastard’s airline fare by declaring him “suspicious” than there is of actual terrorists. Or for that matter, motherfucking snakes.
Seriously. How have the terrorists not already won, if mob rule is hysterically hijacking planes and demanding they not be allowed into the air with “certain people” aboard?
You know, if I were a Moonie, I’d complain to the Master about how my flower-selling money was being mispent.
S.Z., you are fantastic. Absolutely goddamned fantastic.
Nothin’ left for me to say, as D.Sidhe has beaten me to the punch once again.
And I’d a WHOLE lot rather have a plane full of snakes (and I fucking LOATHE snakes) than a planeful of Annies and Audreys and their not-so-well-hidden racist psychoses.
And S.Z. darlin’, you just get better and better every time I read your stuff.
Bon soir.
(And kick a moonie in the nuts when you can, for helping to inflict the “reverend” upon us all. Y’know, provided that moonies are allowed to KEEP their little bar-coded, slave-labor testicles. I really don’t know, nor do I care.)
Like adoptive father, like son, I guess. Just as Ronnie fearlessly imagined that trees caused pollution and “only a theory” was some sort of put-down of Darwinism, so does Michael rise to defend a language he knows nothing about. English is the greatest borrowing language on earth. Over half our common words come from somewhere other than Anglo-Saxon. If you put ketchup on the fried potatoes you eat on your sofa while watching sports, and at the half you take the scraps to the garbage, you might say a quick word of thanks to, respectively, the Chinese, Haitians, Arabians, Normans, Frisians, Old Norse, and Italians, and for that matter to the Dutch and Germans for quick, word, and thanks.
It’s hardly surprising that it’s people like Reagan, who want no part of integrating Hispanic-speakers into the culture, who complain about language skills. And for my money, the biggest threat English faces these days is idiots who give no thought to our cherished notions of accuracy.
D.Sidhe has beaten me to the punch once again.
You don’t *know* how delighted I was to be the first to make the Bush joke. Goddamn, I’m a dork.
BTW, Mary and George, that’s some fine snark up there. I laughed my ass off. Meanwhile, Doghouse: You go.
I come here as much for the comments as the bloggers. This is the first place I check every time I log on.
As another ESL teacher living in Europe, I’ll second Thomas. Michael Reagan doesn’t know what the hell he is talking about. English is the lingua franca for international business and commerce. If you are working for a multinational firm, chances are you had better know English. As an example of how prevalant the language is, it’s a required course in German primary schools (grades 5-9), and an elective after that. Most of the time when I am in mixed company (that is, with folks from a variety of lands), English ends up being the language we use, because everyone seems to know at least a little bit of it.
Speaking as an expat myself, I can tell you that people speak their own language at home because it’s easier than using a second language, not because they are trying to change the language of whatever nation in which they are living. Reagan, haunted as he is by visions of a brown and non-English-speaking America of the future, doesn’t seem to take this little fact into account.
Giving folks help by printing official forms in other languages does not mean that these people will then easily forego learning the language of the land, and anyone who thinks so is, frankly, retarded.
As the great-granddaughter of immigrants who spoke Italian until their dying day, I have to roll my eyes when these idiots start with their In the Olden Days blather. The problem, of course, according to Reagan and his fellow mouthbreathers, is that we’re not punishing those stupid immigrants enough for not speaking English. It’s similar to the way that birth control is wrong because then we’re not punishing people enough for having sex.
And to Annie “Muslims on a Plane” Jacobsen: Again with that frigging plane trip to LA? You know, it was kind of funny the first two thousand times you brought it up, but JESUS, LET IT GO ALREADY.
Michael Reagan the Illiterate writes: In California, 42.3 percent of the people do not speak English at home.
A lie.
No US census has ever asked if respondents speak no English at home; rather, it asks if they speak a language other than English at home. In assuming that it must be the case that if they they speak other languaqes, they do not speak any English at all, Michael Reagan has demonstrated a truly stunning reading comprehension disability, and should be re-educated at the first opportunity, like with, say, a punch in the nose.
Just for the record, Census figures for 2000, the last year for which this data is available, show that 39.5% of California residents over the age of 5 speak a language other than English at home, and further, that most of those also speak English “very well.”
It’s amazing, the shit these dweebs get their knickers knotted up about. I suspect that it’s because of pants-wetters like these that Depends sell much better than they would if they had to rely on geriatric cases.
I honestly don’t get this “English is dying” hysteria. Do these yay-hoos think they’ll wake up Tuesday morning and everything will be in Spanish? Like, sneaky illegal immigrant ninjas will sneak into his house and translate all his Rush Limbaugh books into Swahili? It just seems like a bizare thing to get yourself all worked up in a lather over, the idea your great-great-great grandkids might speak an entirely different primary language.
Speaking of bizare latherers, I almost feel sorry for this Jacobson woman. It’s been, what, two years and she’s still humping her three hours of imagined hysteria. That’s just sad, man, like “eating poo on ‘Fear Factor’” sad. Some folks will do anything to get on television, I suppose.
Like, sneaky illegal immigrant ninjas will sneak into his house and translate all his Rush Limbaugh books into Swahili?
I would adore that.
Can I note that it is particularly stupid for Michael to use the word “kowtow” as he rails against foreign languages, or does he perhaps think he’s being witty?
Well, D. Sidhe, he could be trying to be witty. Wingnut humour is very different from the regular kind. It seems to come from an alternate universe.
We just returned from Europe and found that everyone, Austrians, Germans, even the (gasp!) French, are speaking a lot of English. As several commenters and ex-pats have noted, English is the language of international business and commerce. It is the language of tourism as well. We noted that the Asian tourists in Europe were communicating with the locals primarily in English. It is the second language that most of the world outside of the US learns. Of course, that fact wouldn’t scare the money out of Billy Bob’s wallet and into Republican campaign coffers.
Annie and Mikey aren’t that different. They’re riding fear of “The Other” all the way to the bank.
Hi, English was a bastard language to begin with so how is it becoming impure and diluted?

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