The World O' Crap Archive

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Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Storytime, With Dr. Mike

Shorter Dr. Mike  Adams, Ph.D.: ”Gays should not be allowed to adopt or teach children, because some people who might be gay used bad language when discussing some of my homophobic columns.”

Now, for storytime:
One of their [the evil homosexuals'] more recent stunts was to get together on a gay website to hatch a plan to destroy my marriage. Actually, they started their plan on one of the Transgendered websites. Since the Transgendered people are so angry, I suppose they are technically classified as “gay,” too.

The first step of their plan to destroy my marriage was to concoct a false story that I once committed adultery. For the record, I have never cheated on my wife. I did, however, attempt to cheat on my wife one time. Unfortunately, I couldn’t get past Ms. Coulter’s bodyguard.

The failed attempt to hit on the lovely Ann Coulter presumably occurred right after Dr. Mike tried (and failed) to get the job as Anna Kournikova’s masseuse.
After one of the Transgendered persons concocted the story, it decided to contact my wife at work with the news. But since it waited a few days before doing so, my wife and I were tipped off in advance.
So, once again, Dr. Mike was too smart for his enemies, and their ultra-cunning plan was foiled, thanks to Dr. Mike’s ability to read.
I told my wife that when it contacted her at work, she should promise it she was going to cut off my genitalia as punishment for the adultery. Then, she could mail it to it as a reward for the expert detective work.
So, did anybody really contact Mrs. Dr. Mike at work and tell her that her husband had cheated on her? Was the corespondent alleged to be Pastor Doug? And if such a communication did occur, did Mrs. Dr. Mike follow her husband’s instructions and tell the caller that she was going to castrate Dr. Mike for his purported infidelity? And did the caller then report the threat to the police? (Because it sounds just as credible as the many threats Dr. Mike says were made against him and his presumably imaginary children by the emotionally unstable homsexuals.)

Or, once again, did Dr. Mike get his feelings hurt when he Googled himself and found out what people were saying about him, and once again, did he plot the perfect imaginary revenge much after the fact?

Well, since Dr. MIke’s account makes it kind of hard to tell what really happened, for now the question must remain open.

But I am still searching for the truth.  I tried several Google searches of my own in an effort to find the mean transgendered website where the gays concocted the plot to destroy Dr. Mike’s marriage — but to no avail.  However, I did find a rather intereesting caption under a photo at Dr. Mike’s site:
Dr. Adams’ friend Doug Giles and his Axis Deer. What a beauty.
So, did the transgendered gays call up Mrs. Dr. Mike and tell her that her husband was saying suggestive things about Pastor Doug’s appearance?

I don’t know — but if you do, please tell the whole class.

33 Responses to “Storytime, With Dr. Mike”

Calling a transgendered person “it” tells you all you need to know about Dr. Mike.
In a way, this reminds me of the tragedy of working class Republicans who vote against their own economic interests–any rational analysis suggests they would be far better off working with, rather than against, progressive politicians. The same situation seems to obtain with Dr. Professor Mike.
If the only person in the world he finds more attractive than his wife is Ann Coulter, than he and the transgendered community clearly have some common interests.
Oh, to be a fly on the wall for that conversation between Mike and his wife…
Mike: Honey? You know those crazy gays that i hate so much?
Wife: Yes…
Mike: Well, funny thing, hehehe. You know i’d never cheat on you, right?
Wife: …riiight…
Mike: Especially with no gay transsexuals, right?
Wife: …
Mike: Right??
Wife: What the hell is this all about?
Mike: Welllll…hehehe, it’s really very funny, hehehe, I found out that on this disgusting gay transexual web site–
Wife: How do you know about a gay transexual website?
Mike: …
Wife: …
Mike: It’s a covert op thing. Anyway, one of those gay transexuals is gonna call you soon, hehehe, claiming that I cheated on you with him. Her. It.
Wife: What?!?
Mike: So…uh…you can just laugh it off when the call comes, okay? Honey?
And yes, this business of referring to a transgendered person as “it,” must represent the zenith of Dr. Mike’s gimlet-eyed waggishness. I mean, even given that it’s an imaginary transgendered person, that’s some funny shit. So brilliant that I’m not ashamed to admit he’s left us speechless and disarmed; with this single witticism Dr. Professor Mike has retired the side, he’s run the table, he’s crapped the punchbowl.
I’m willing to concede the pronouns to Dr. Mike from now on, and just learn to be content calling him “Miss Thing.”
“Miss Thang” if you’re nasty.
I just had a horrifying thought: there must actually be stories that Dr. Mike thinks are too mundane to put in his stupid column. That means these incredibly lame stories about giving people the wrong address and the phantom sneeze at Best Buy are the fucking highlights of this limpdick’s existence!!!
The next time you are feeling sad and wondering if life is worth living, just say to yourself, “Well, at least I’m not Dr. Mike,” or even better, “At least I’m not married to Dr. Mike!” Whew, I think I might have discovered a cure for depression.
Note to readers: the link to Mike’s photo gallery actually displays a different photo. To see the picture of Dougie with the caption s.z. refers to, click on the 4th thumbnail beneath it.
“IT: Teh mAnn Coulter From Outer Space,” starring Mike Adams. :::shudder:::
Mrs. Dr. Mike.
Honey, any time that you get tired of working your ass off to support that schizophrenic clusterfucked moron (who says, btw, that all OTHER women should stay home and breedbreedbreed to bear the fruit of loins as ineffectual and pitiful as his), just holler my way.
We’ll pass you along the LesBisexual Underground Railroad ’til you get to a safe Home Depot and help you reach your new life, and freedom.
If you’re ready, just give us a signal… Like “Dr.” Mike’s head on a pike. Even better if you can set it on fire — easier to see in the dark.
Anntichrist: I have a feeling that we’ll be seeing that last paragraph in a Dr. Mike column sometime in the next month. Probably accompanied with a harrowing tale describing how he and his ex-commando strike force dealt a crushing blow by threatening to expose you to violent drug addicts. (I feel dumber for having typed that. Who’s Dr. Mike’s prime demographic, ten year old boys?)
Addendum: Dr. Mike’s photo gallery is fucked up. Check out the entries for the quail hunt. Apparently, he once hit a bird from too far and just stunned it, and it started chirping later. Hell of a hunter.
Ugh. Can’t stand shitty hunters. What’s the fucking POINT of hunting anymore, anyway? Yes, I like to eat venison, but nobody NEEDS to hunt, let alone little-biddy BIRDS, for fuck’s sake!
Can’t they just go down to the porno shop and BUY A DICK EXTENSION?!??!
And Drew, darlin’, you keep complimenting me like that, you’re gonna make ol’ Annti blush…
(Now quick, get outta the way before the lightning strikes!)
Calling a transgendered person “it” tells you all you need to know about Dr. Mike.
No shit.
Still, you gotta give Dr Mike credit. He finally, though half-assedly and clearly delusionally, managed to answer the question of how, exactly, letting the queers have marriages would break up his.
Clearly, we need to isolate all these non-straight people so they can’t talk to each other, let alone, you know, do that gay stuff with each other, not that he would think about that or imagine it in any kind of detail or get a little weepy when realizing that Pastor I Killed An Herbivore But It Was Seriously Coming Right For Me has found someone new with whom to shoot tethered herd animals, because they might end up plotting to ruin some innocent (and incredibly manly, never mind what those chicks with the “Vagina Monologues” handbills have to say) perfectly heterosexual guy’s marriage.
And that, that would be wrong. And proof that they’re trying to wreck marriage for everyone out of spite.
That is a beautiful.. caption, though, innit.
And Annti, I and my fellow schizophrenics are so not fucking claiming Dr Mike. He’s not really mentally ill, he’s a hateful asshole.
Have Mike and Pastor Giles gotten back together? They are such a sweet couple.
I wonder if he’s just setting up an excuse for when his wife inevitably leaves/divorces him…”ARG! My wife left me! It was because of those eeeeevil homewrecking Transexuals!”
Why is it that everytime I read something Mikey’s written, I get the urge to just kick the living shit out of him? I mean, I don’t have that reaction to other wingnuts-most of them range from pathetic to stupid to batshit crazy. But Dr. Mike is such a dick. I mean, I really want some burly gay truckdriver to knock him to the ground and start kicking him in the nuts with a steel-toed boot until they fly out of his mouth, and he’s lying there coughing up blood.
It’s not a reaction I enjoy having. It sucks to have a concience, don’t it? (Not that HE would ever know.)
He mocks the transexuals’ detective work, obviously rubbing their noses in the sad fact that unlike the manly Dr. Prof. Mike, they don’t have a staff of on-call PIs who are ex-military intelligence to do their Googling for them.
Ya know, I’m not married and never have been. Don’t plan on ever getting thus (unless, to be perfectly frank, there’s health care benefits involved). Also, I’m neither in a relationship, nor am I interested in getting in one. Frankly, I don’t think much of the whole pairing up process as a whole.
That being said, am I the only one who thinks Dr. Mike’s repeatedly stated desire to fool around on his old lady not only pretty damn tacky, but also a desperate attempt to pump up the appearance of his virility? Just strikes me as weird thing to joke about, especially from a so-called “Christian” (though I don’t think much of Christianity nor its claims to superior morality, but that’s neither here nor there).
Why is it that everytime I read something Mikey’s written, I get the urge to just kick the living shit out of him?
I get that same reaction, Bill, and I’ve wondered about it too. The best I’ve been able to come up with is that I hate Dr. Mike so much because he is so immature. i mean, the guy is still in 5th grade.
This leads to an interesting discussion: Which wingnut do you hate the most, and why? My girlfriend once accused me of hating female wingnuts more than male one, but I think that’s unfair. True, my hatred of Ann Coulter cannot be quantified, and I do find Malkin to be especially vile, but I think I am pretty equal opportunity. I would put Dr. Mike in the mix, and this guy Carey Roberts gives Neanderthals a bad name. Anyone else have any thoughts?
Mark: Malkin tops the list for me, simply because she’s one of the few wingers to have both nakedly horrendous personal beliefs and the means to disseminate them. Just below her I’d put Vox Day – partly because I have a personal animus towards him, but he’s also a loathsome human being in his own right.
After them, I’d include Dr. Mike as well as John Stossel. Hinderacker would be with them, but at this point he’s more pathetic than anything.
Grover Norquist, hands down. He’s responsible for all the damned thinktanks and the strategy that gives the assholes around you intellectual cover when they say shit like “Mexicans are lazy, germ-ridden criminals” or “Homos are pedophiles” or “The media is liberally biased” or “Black people are less intelligent than anybody else”.
Grover Fucking Norquist and his pathological need to put Reagan everywhere and eradicate liberalism.
He’s a prick, and I will be a happy goddamn camper when he shuffles off this mortal coil. In the meantime, I confiscate all FDR dimes that come into my home and keep them in jars, safe from his Reagan On The Dime bullshit. The asshole knows about The March Of Dimes and why FDR is on it–he just doesn’t give a fuck. Charity is for pussies.
After that, probably, Coulter. But that’s a visceral reation. She’s pretty much just the clowncar at the circus. Norquist is the ringmaster.
And my Stossel thing is really just more disgust at the obvious mercenary direction of his career under the guise of helping people.
Bullies. I hate bullies. The ones who punch you and take your bus money, and the ones who get elected and steal your mass transit funding. All of them, not a damned difference between them.
As Woody Guthrie once observed, “Some will rob you with a six-gun, some will rob you with a pen”.
Not a wingnut per se in the sense of writing bizarre mean spirited columns, but I’d have to add Richard Mellon Scaife to the list of the most odious men in the country. His foundations have provided much of the financing of the fascist think tanks over the past 30 years, preparing the ground for the spread of virtually every nefarious idea which has emerged from the far right. Coulter is one of his proteges, and he likely is the one who buys her books in bulk to get them on the best seller lists.
The main wingnuts who annoy rather than amuse me are Dr. Mike and Mark “Smug Canadian Bastard” Steyn. I used to place Ann Coulter and Debbie Schlussel in the “super irritant” category too, but after seeing what their lives have been reduced to, I now pity them more than want to smack them.
D. Sidhe, darlin’, I meant no offense towards you or any other decent folks who may be dealing with schizophrenia.
But having just moved a diagnosed ten-year schizophrenic out of my apartment, I can at least see a deviant/decrepit brain when it blathers in my face, and that’s what “Dr.”Mike is, in a nutshell.
He is mentally ill, he may not be schizophrenic, but he’s DEFINITELY damaged.
And I’d like to finish the job with a tire tool and my steel-toed work boots.
And S.Z.— while we’re talking about alleged “female” wingnuts, can I throw Pamela from “Atlas Shrugs”?
That skanky slattern is the biggest waste of oxygen this side of Michele Magalangadindongthebitchisdead and St. Ann Of The Codpiece.
And I’d like to finish the job with a tire tool and my steel-toed work boots.
I could get behind that. I was just having some fun, actually. Though it does kind of worry me that too often we seem to look at people like Michelle Malkin and think that she must be mentally ill, when in fact she is just a mercenary and mean-spirited little bully. There are people I am far beyond making allowances for and suggesting treatment for. Some people are just assholes. Some of them are assholes because they like to be. And too often we don’t tell them they’re assholes, because we assume they can’t help it or something, and they get to keep being assholes.
However, I’m aware that you, Annti, are unlikely to be trying to cut the man any slack for whatever is wrong with him.
Personally, I think it’s pretty clear that he *can* help behaving like a dick, though possibly not saying stupid things, he just doesn’t want to, and has never been made to bear the consequences of it in any way that would matter to him.
S.Z. we Smug Canadian Bastards resent you including Mark Steyn in our number. I have it on good authority that his parents were, in fact, married at the time he was conceived.
Y’know what’s scary, kinda, D.? Your description of “Dr.”Mike sounds eerily like the most recent Ex.
When somebody starts using their disability not merely as a crutch, but as an EXCUSE to be an abusive asshole, that’s when I start losing empathy.
As of this weekend’s lovely little phone call, I doubt that I can even summon “sympathy” for the boy at this point.
Remind me again why I keep bothering with boys?
(And no, it wasn’t from being dick-whipped, the sex was never *that* great.)
We’re not ALL bad, AC.
We’re not ALL bad, AC.
You’re not all straight, either, dear. I feel there’s some sort of correlation in that.
Yes, that would be the drawback. Boys like me like boys like me. :)
Can we still be friends, Bill? :-)
Alright now, D. — CLIMB OUTTA MY HEAD!!!
You keep beating me here and making all of the jokes that I wanted to make, dammit!!!!!!
Sometimes I wonder if you’re not proof that the NSA is not only invading our phones, computers and homes, but also our braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaainnnssssssssss…
(SFX: B.G. noises of zombies munching brainssssss)
If you’re being held a’la Patty Hearst (or was it Patti with an “i”?) and used as a tormented tool of Chili Bean Gonzales, cough twice, but turn your head, please.
If we need to send rescuers, well, let me know and I’ll loan you my tape of The Rescuers. How can anyone withstand Bianca, dahlink?
Yes, I’m babbling. Keeps me off the streets, though.
Great minds think alike, Annti, but some of us also don’t have lives and can spend all day online committing attempted wit at people.
Keeps me off the streets, too.

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