The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, (2006 to 2010).

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Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Is Bill O'Reilly Bucking for Condi's Job, or Jon Stewart's?

Here’s a short summary of Bill O’Reilly’s latest column, “Put Up or Shut Up“: “Why don’t those stupid idiots let me in their crappy club for jerks?”And here’s a slightly longer summary: “While I didn’t win any Emmys this year (and I SHOULD have, because I am the biggest name in cable news among viewers over 55 — and btw, I will get my revenge on Hannity and Colmes for having stolen my coveted 21-54 demographic grouip), I am WAY SMARTER than all those Hollywood liberals who get awards. Plus, I’m a lot more humble than they are.”
Okay, here are some excerpts:
The TV Emmy Awards were broadcast a few days ago, and it was the usual — a bunch of smug, self-satisfied showbiz types parading their liberal views in front of an adoring Los Angeles audience.
And this is wrong, because a smug, satisfied type parading his views in front of adoring audiences is Bill’s shtick!
I mean, come on, you showbiz people are supposed to be creative — how about something new and exciting: maybe demonstrating to the country you might have a clue about what’s going on in the world?
Maybe they could make the nominees play a few rounds of “College Bowl” to determine the winner in each category.
I am an independent American who sees fault on both the left and the right.
“The fact that I see 95% of the fault on the left only means that the right is right about most things.”
I closely follow the issues so I can make responsible judgments about the country and its leadership.
“Well, I have researchers who follow the issues for me, and they tell me what judgements to make — but I fired that girl who told me that I would not trust the Bush Administration again if we didn’t find any WMDs in Iraq, so I think this proves that I’m pretty darned responsible.”
We’ll skip the part where Bill puts on his serape and calls out Tina Fey and Neil Young, and go directly to where the bitterness really comes through:
My pal Jon Stewart and his legion of writers think they’re ultra cool and hip because they embrace every left-wing cause that comes down the pike. Yeah, you won, Stewart, but the fix was in. The choir to whom you preach runs the Emmy Award program and every other Hollywood smoochfest. You guys can be funny, but how many Americans want you people standing between them and Iran? Maybe Larry David, but that’s it.
Poll time: how many Americans want Bill O’Reilly standing between us and Iran?
Okay, how about if we nuke Iran, like the wingnuts want so badly – NOW how many of you want Bill standing over there?

And yeah, I guess that’s why Bill didn’t win that award for “best variety, music or comedy” series: because the judges are prejudiced against him due to his embrace of fairness. That’s also why Tina Fey won’t go out with him, and why all the popular kids who think they’re so cool and hip make fun of Bill for being a big, dorky loser.

And now for the part where Bill demonstrates that he’s better than all of them put together!
So I say this, Bill Maher. You’re a witty guy, but you’re out of your league on complicated matters like national security. When you and Whoopi Goldberg can tell me what Ansar al-Islam was doing in Northern Iraq, then I might watch your HBO show.
And I say this. Bill O’Reilly: you’re a pompous twit, but you’re out of your league on complicated matters like national security. (Bill, reading “Mallard Fillmore” every day doesn’t actually give you national security expertise. 

Bill,  I worked on matters of national security for many years. I know national security. National security is a friend of mine. And you, sir, you are no national security expert.  You’re not even the guy who emptries the trash in the room where the national security experts eat their lunch.  But you do have your areas of expertise: maybe you could teach Maher a few things about sexually harassing women. 
When George Clooney can tell me exactly how the Pakistani secret police broke a captured al-Qaeda big shot who then gave up the London terrorists arrested for planning an attack on American airliners, then I’ll rent “Syriana.”
Bill, are you referring by chance to the story of Rashid Rauf, who was reportedly broke under torture by the Pakistani secret police, and then “confessed” that his buddies back in the UK intended to mix a “sports drink” with a “peroxide-based paste” to create a chemical explosive that they would use to blow up some planes? And how the fact that most of the details of the plot were derived from torture tend to raise serious questions about the credibility of much of what we were told about the plot by U.S. and British authorities?

 If so, I think you may be confused, since there’s no evidence that Rauf is “al-Qaeda big shot,” and there are suspicions in Britain that he’s just a wannabe whom the Pakistanis are trying to sell to us as a master terrorist who actually knows the #3 Al-Qaeda guy. (“analysts suspect that the authorities in Pakistan could have exaggerated his role to appear to be ‘tough on terrorism.’”)
But I’m not holding my breath on any of these challenges.
Damn it, I was hoping that Bill would hold his breath until he passed out, thus sparing us at least a few moments of his windbaggery!

But in any case, I think that we can all agree that when Bill wins an Oscar, like George did for his performance in “Syriana,” then we’ll all watch Bill’s little cable news program.

NEXT TIME: We’ll tell you everything you need to know about Bill’s new book, Help, Santa, They’re All Out to Get Me! Culture Warrior.

But for now, let me just report the breaking news that Mike and the ‘bots are suing Bill for stealing the whole Christmas Warrior bit. Here is part of their evidence of having made a prior claim to the concept, the song “Whispering Christmas Warrior“:
I have slain the Grinch,
I have broken his spell.
I am the warrior of Christmas,
The world we will tell.

CROW & TOM: Christmas time
We will free your mind
Let love unwind.

MIKE: The warrior of Christmas
Has cast out the neon prince.
Hail the new Kläws,
Your hair he will rinse.

CROW & TOM: Silver bells fall from your nose,
Santa Kläws will mist your toes,
Rudolph’s found the emperor’s clothes.
For shame, Bill!  You said that you were the only one defending Baby Jesus!

28 Responses to “Is Bill O’Reilly Bucking for Condi’s Job, or Jon Stewart’s?”

Shades of Aesop’s Fox(News) and the Grapes?
I think there’s a wee correction needs to be made. This sentence didn’t parse for me:
“The fact that I see 95% of the fault on the right only means that the right is right about most things.”
Methinks there should be a “left” in there somewheres.
And, yes, I would love when if we bomb Iran if Billy O’ was reporting live from some high-value target area, like a nuclear research site…
“This is Bill O’Reilly, reporting live from Iran on the eve of the American offensive. I am outside the gates of a nuclear research facility so secret, the Iranians will never figure out how I found it. Word to the wise, Iranofascists–the cab drivers around here are real talkative when you tip them a genuine American $10 bill… real talkative. Anyhoo, there are American B-52s flying overhead right now, and there’s a strange, whistling sound coming from above us… what the hell is that?”
After a minute or two of a “Technical Difficulties” card, Fox cuts to the music video for Queen’s “Another One Bites Teh Dust.”

Marq, one correction on that lovely image that made me choke on a Maalox quick-dissolve: Everything from the “Reporting live” to the BOOOOM!!1!! should be replaced by:
“:::B.O. quivers inside of his parking-garage-cum-bomb-shelter-kegger and shats himself with such a velocity that not only are his pants dissolved upon contact, but also the back wall of his “shelter” collapses (it being a cardboard refrigerator box) and the rufie-slain intern falls out of her PVC “throne.”:::”
Even in a fantasy, he can’t get it up to go over there, punkin’. He’s that big of a titty-baby. Well, he WISHES that he’d been a titty-baby, but obviously, it was a very cold bottle.
Now, to Mz. S.Z. — I bow before greatness. I can only hope to someday be worthy to aspire to your expertise. Hell, I’d give both tits for the ass-end of your resume’! *sigh* Ahhh, good times, good times.
Anyway, when you do become Executrix Of The Planet, please do remember those of us who picked on you when you were but a wee blogger. And I call dibs on the office with a view.
And, OT, but what the hell —
Your gal Debbie Does Dog-Doo is one of the contestants.
Can we suggest Bill? Seems like the old boy needs the ego boost… heh.
Marq, thanks for the editing help – I blame my mistakes on little Torgo, the Sleep Destroyer.
O’Reilly and Clooney: what should be in that ‘Clooney’?
Why should that name be sounded more than yours?
Write them together, yours is as fair a name;
Sound them, it doth become the mouth as well;
Weigh them, it is as heavy; conjure with ‘em,
O’Reilly will start a spirit as soon as Clooney.
Now, in the names of all the gods at once,
Upon what meat doth this our Clooney feed,
That he is grown so great? Age, thou art shamed!
America, thou hast lost the breed of noble bloods!

from Julius Clooney, Act I, Scene ii
I take care of the blog while the Master is away.
But in any case, I think that we can all agree that when Bill wins an Oscar, like George did for his performance in “Syriana,” then we’ll all watch Bill’s little cable news program.
I’m dying here.
But let this be a lesson to Jon Stewart: Stop being nice to these assholes. Bill mocks your audience, you invite him on the show. You guys are *polite* to him.
He’s not going to return the favor. Seriously. No, no, really. Seriously. He will never stop being an asshole at you. You *do not *owe* him your civility.
You owe your audience more. May I suggest inviting him on and calling him “jackass” next time?
What’s an “Executrix”-an executive dominatrix?
AC, that clip you linked to made so grateful to be gay. I think if I ever found myself attracted to one of those screwy harpies, I’d probably blow my brains out. (Of course, if I WAS attracted to one of them, there wouldn’t be much brains to blow out anyhoo.)

ahem-made ME so grateful to be gay.
(read before hitting “submit comment, read before hitting “submit comment”, read before…)

If we nuke Iran, I want Bill riding that big ‘ol bomb all the way down just like Slim Pickins.
It would be like a turning a metaphor on Bill’s credibility/ratings/sanity into a brightly-glowing reality.
I am the biggest name in cable news among viewers over 55
Uh-oh. I’m 54 this year. If my next birthday will mean I start watching Bill O’Reilly, I need some suggestions for a relatively painless method of committing suicide.
Low-hanging fruit, if ever there was some.
***You guys can be funny, but how many Americans want you people standing between them and Iran? Maybe Larry David, but that’s it.***
Wow, I didn;t realize that tv comedians are our first line of national defense!
What is O’Reilly bitching about? Doesn’t his imagination keep telling him that he’s won a Peabody award?
Bill, darlin’, I live to serve.
Okay, well, not really, but I’m glad that once the full-body not-dry heaves, retching, gagging, seizures and blackouts subsided, that you were given some small glimmer of joy by viewing that link.
And technically, an Executrix is a female Executor, as in a last will & testament, but I was trying to aim for an image somewhere amongst Empress/dominatrix/CEO — Oprah with a hotter wardrobe and truly (moreso) absolute power. Except as played by S.Z., so that we’d all enjoy it, not just the suburbanite breeders.
P.S. I was also trying to get more people vote for “None of the above,” if for nothing more important than perhaps flinging a dent into Pammy’s & Debbie’s overweening egos.
Dood Gawd–out of the “women” in that poll, Atlas Pammy has a huge lead. Of course, if you include “None Of Teh Above,” she’s a distant second. Also, during their little music video, most of the shots of Pammy had her looking uncharacteristically… undisheveled. Who knew she could look as though she hadn’t spent the evening drunk and in the gutter. OYOH, I still think Malkin makes the goofiest expressions on her face. This probably just means that she hasn’t undergone heavy botox treatments or more than two facelifts.
Poll time: how many Americans want Bill O’Reilly standing between us and Iran?
Can I propose an alternate question?
How many Americans would like to see Bill O’Reilly in a Turkish prison?
actor212, that’s a cruel thing to inflict on Turkish prisoners.
Now, a dunking booth, filled with electric eels, on the other hand…

Just in case anyone misunderstood (though I doubt they would), the dunking booth would be for Creepy O’Reilly.
The po’, po’ eels! I mean, they are roughly vibrator-shaped….
Piranas then? Nah, they’d get sick. Well, we could replace the water with elephant piss. But that would make him smell BETTER.
Any suggestions, folks?

rrxkhecnjw mqihvlmku mgjnlwzry…
That’s the first time that I’ve seen a troll speaking in their native language before… fascinating… If only we could get them all to return to their native habitat… (Satan’s Lower Asshole, Texas)
Ultimate solution for Bill O’Reilly?
Well, automatically, my mind goes to “fed into a woodchipper, live, and FEET-FIRST, so that you can enjoy the screaming all the way down…”, but I’ve used that one SO OFTEN… *sigh*… hmmm…
Those little parsitic fish in the Amazon (not piranhas) that are tiny enough to swim up the urethra and lodge themselves deeply inside the penis (which, it being Bill O., it wouldn’t be a long journey) with lovely little spines that dig deep into the pulpy flesh.
Then a full-body exfoliation using a slow, rheumatic weed-whacker.
Thennnn… A nice, long recupperative period in a vat of boiling tar as he listens to an endless-loop tape of Michele Malking & St. Ann Of The Codpiece, attempting to sing Gilbert & Sullivan a’capellla.
And if he ain’t dead THEN (as this ornery old coot, despite his cowardice and phony bluster/bravado, will probably NEVER FUCKING DIE and release the universe from his affliction of an existence) — that’s when I hide jerky treats all over what’s left of his melting corpse and turn fourteen angry dogs loose on him.
And if the dogs survive, and after they finish the extensive vomiting, we take what’s left of him and use it to fertilize a freshly-planted tree, so that at least now, he’ll serve some kind of PURPOSE.
You’re getting soft, AC. I wouldn’t use Gilbert & Sullivan-I’d force him to listen to an endless loop of “Butterfly Kisses” by Bob Carlisle. Or better(?) yet, a cover version by Pat Boone.
Soft, he says. Did you not notice who would be doing the “singing”?!?!??!?!
I expect a more thorough critique from you, Bill. And Bob Carlisle is nothing up against the permanently-implanted image in my head, of Sideshow Bob doing “I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major-General” Sure, sure, Kelsey Grammar is a republicunt fucktard, but Sideshow Bob was GENIUS!
Now, put that Sideshow Bob image into your head, and then skew it to photoshopping mAnn & Michele’s heads on Sideshow Bob and Bart.
And then lay in the soundtrack of their voices.
(muahhahahahahaaaa… she chortles evilly, rubbing her talons together a’la Mister Burns…)
Ah, but if you added Debbie Slushbrain, they could do “Three Little Maids From School Are We”.
And you misremembered the episode, AC. Sideshow Bob wasn’t terribly bright.* He had Bart captured on the boat, and before killing him, asks, “Any last requests?”
Bart asks Bob to perform the entire score to “The H.M.S. Pinafore”**, realizing (correctly) that Bob’s ego would compel him to go along with the request, and the unweildy length of the thing would stall for time until authorities came.

*That bit with the succession of rakes he steps on still cracks me up when I think of it.
**And BTW, “Modern Major General” isn’t in “Pinafore”, it’s in “The Pirates of Penzance”.

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