Okay, here are some excerpts:
The TV Emmy Awards were broadcast a few days ago, and it was the usual — a bunch of smug, self-satisfied showbiz types parading their liberal views in front of an adoring Los Angeles audience.And this is wrong, because a smug, satisfied type parading his views in front of adoring audiences is Bill’s shtick!
I mean, come on, you showbiz people are supposed to be creative — how about something new and exciting: maybe demonstrating to the country you might have a clue about what’s going on in the world?Maybe they could make the nominees play a few rounds of “College Bowl” to determine the winner in each category.
I am an independent American who sees fault on both the left and the right.“The fact that I see 95% of the fault on the left only means that the right is right about most things.”
I closely follow the issues so I can make responsible judgments about the country and its leadership.“Well, I have researchers who follow the issues for me, and they tell me what judgements to make — but I fired that girl who told me that I would not trust the Bush Administration again if we didn’t find any WMDs in Iraq, so I think this proves that I’m pretty darned responsible.”
We’ll skip the part where Bill puts on his serape and calls out Tina Fey and Neil Young, and go directly to where the bitterness really comes through:
My pal Jon Stewart and his legion of writers think they’re ultra cool and hip because they embrace every left-wing cause that comes down the pike. Yeah, you won, Stewart, but the fix was in. The choir to whom you preach runs the Emmy Award program and every other Hollywood smoochfest. You guys can be funny, but how many Americans want you people standing between them and Iran? Maybe Larry David, but that’s it.Poll time: how many Americans want Bill O’Reilly standing between us and Iran?
Okay, how about if we nuke Iran, like the wingnuts want so badly – NOW how many of you want Bill standing over there?
And yeah, I guess that’s why Bill didn’t win that award for “best variety, music or comedy” series: because the judges are prejudiced against him due to his embrace of fairness. That’s also why Tina Fey won’t go out with him, and why all the popular kids who think they’re so cool and hip make fun of Bill for being a big, dorky loser.
And now for the part where Bill demonstrates that he’s better than all of them put together!
So I say this, Bill Maher. You’re a witty guy, but you’re out of your league on complicated matters like national security. When you and Whoopi Goldberg can tell me what Ansar al-Islam was doing in Northern Iraq, then I might watch your HBO show.And I say this. Bill O’Reilly: you’re a pompous twit, but you’re out of your league on complicated matters like national security. (Bill, reading “Mallard Fillmore” every day doesn’t actually give you national security expertise.
Bill, I worked on matters of national security for many years. I know national security. National security is a friend of mine. And you, sir, you are no national security expert. You’re not even the guy who emptries the trash in the room where the national security experts eat their lunch. But you do have your areas of expertise: maybe you could teach Maher a few things about sexually harassing women.
When George Clooney can tell me exactly how the Pakistani secret police broke a captured al-Qaeda big shot who then gave up the London terrorists arrested for planning an attack on American airliners, then I’ll rent “Syriana.”Bill, are you referring by chance to the story of Rashid Rauf, who was reportedly broke under torture by the Pakistani secret police, and then “confessed” that his buddies back in the UK intended to mix a “sports drink” with a “peroxide-based paste” to create a chemical explosive that they would use to blow up some planes? And how the fact that most of the details of the plot were derived from torture tend to raise serious questions about the credibility of much of what we were told about the plot by U.S. and British authorities?
If so, I think you may be confused, since there’s no evidence that Rauf is “al-Qaeda big shot,” and there are suspicions in Britain that he’s just a wannabe whom the Pakistanis are trying to sell to us as a master terrorist who actually knows the #3 Al-Qaeda guy. (“analysts suspect that the authorities in Pakistan could have exaggerated his role to appear to be ‘tough on terrorism.’”)
But I’m not holding my breath on any of these challenges.Damn it, I was hoping that Bill would hold his breath until he passed out, thus sparing us at least a few moments of his windbaggery!
But in any case, I think that we can all agree that when Bill wins an Oscar, like George did for his performance in “Syriana,” then we’ll all watch Bill’s little cable news program.
NEXT TIME: We’ll tell you everything you need to know about Bill’s new book,
But for now, let me just report the breaking news that Mike and the ‘bots are suing Bill for stealing the whole Christmas Warrior bit. Here is part of their evidence of having made a prior claim to the concept, the song “Whispering Christmas Warrior“:
I have slain the Grinch,For shame, Bill! You said that you were the only one defending Baby Jesus!
I have broken his spell.
I am the warrior of Christmas,
The world we will tell.
CROW & TOM: Christmas time
We will free your mind
Let love unwind.
MIKE: The warrior of Christmas
Has cast out the neon prince.
Hail the new Kläws,
Your hair he will rinse.
CROW & TOM: Silver bells fall from your nose,
Santa Kläws will mist your toes,
Rudolph’s found the emperor’s clothes.
28 Responses to “Is Bill O’Reilly Bucking for Condi’s Job, or Jon Stewart’s?”And you misremembered the episode, AC. Sideshow Bob wasn’t terribly bright.* He had Bart captured on the boat, and before killing him, asks, “Any last requests?”
Bart asks Bob to perform the entire score to “The H.M.S. Pinafore”**, realizing (correctly) that Bob’s ego would compel him to go along with the request, and the unweildy length of the thing would stall for time until authorities came.
*That bit with the succession of rakes he steps on still cracks me up when I think of it.
**And BTW, “Modern Major General” isn’t in “Pinafore”, it’s in “The Pirates of Penzance”.