The World O' Crap Archive

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Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Bill O'Reilly, Culturehadeen

As you may not know, (Bill has only mentioned it about 500 times on his program, so you could have missed it), Bill’s latest book, Culture Warrior, will be released next month. It’s called and it’s about Bill’s Braveheart-like fight against the ACLU, the anti-Christmas armies, the NY Times, and Media Matters.

Here’s part of the publisher’s description of the thing:
Bill O’Reilly is the very embodiment of the idea of a Culture Warrior—and in this book he lives up to the title brilliantly, with all the brashness and forthrightness at his command.
Translation: “Bill O’Reilly is an asshole.”
He sees that America is in the midst of a fierce culture war between those who embrace traditional values and those who want to change America into a “secular-progressive” country.
Translation: “Like many old fogies, Bill is troubled by the fact that it’s not 1962 anymore, a time when white, Christian males made the rules, minorities knew their place, and it was perfectly okay to talk dirty to your female employees. Also, he is really angry that those damned kids keep throwing their ball into his yard.”
He also shows how the culture war has played out in such high-profile instances as The Passion of the Christ, Fahrenheit 9/11, the abuse epidemic (child and otherwise), and the embattled place of religion in public life—with special emphasis on the war against Christmas.
Sadly, Bill couldn’t call his book “The War Against Christmas” because that jerk Gibson stole the title. But, one day, BAM! Gibson’s going to get a knock on his door and life as he’s known it will change forever. That day will happen, trust me, because Roger Ailes goes after everybody who crosses Bill, even if said person happens to work at Fox News too.
Culture Warrior showcases Bill O’Reilly at his most eloquent and impassioned. He is an unrelenting fighter for the soul of America, and in this book he fights the good fight for the traditional values that have served this country so well for so long.
Yes, this truly sounds like a book you can’t pick up! But let’s see what an actual critic had to say about it:
Editorial Reviews — From Publishers Weekly

In his latest screed, the host of Fox News’ The O’Reilly Factor mobilizes fellow “traditionalists” against a “secular-progressive movement” supposedly led by billionaire George Soros (“public enemy number one”) and the liberal rhetorician George Lakoff.
Man, I must be a terrible secular-progressive-fighter-against-all-that-is-good-and-decent, since I haven’t followed even ONE order issued by my master, George Lakoff.
None of this coheres well, but O’Reilly keeps fans stoked with red meat, including tales of ACLU Christmas-bashers who wanted schools to stop teaching kids to sing carols, and permissive judges who go easy on child molesters.
We must never forget the tragic story of the red and green napkins, which sacrificed themselves for your Christmas sins. So, it’s good that Bill wrote this book, even though some people might have thought that there was more important stuff going on in the world right now.
Too often, though, he feuds with personal enemies like “smear-merchant” Al Franken, Hollywood liberals, press critics and unnamed “black-hearted websites.”
Um, those websites would be “Media Matters.” And the MM folks clearly demonstrated the blackness of their hearts by watching Bill’s TV show and listening to his radio program, and then WRITING DOWN WHAT BILL SAID! The bastards!

We think that Sadly, No! is also pretty black-hearted.

But yeah, Al Franken is still Enemy Numero Uno, because he forced (at knifepoint) Bill’s mother to lie to the WaPo about where Bill grew up, and Franken also took away Bill’s Peabody awards and changed them to some other crappy award that Bill didn’t even win.
As a result, his populist swagger subsides into kvetching (“Clooney’s press agent, a guy named Stan Rosenfield, began badmouthing me and Fox News around Hollywood”) and paranoia (“S-P power-brokers… will command their forces to attack me in every way possible”). More resentful and self-pitying than feisty, O’Reilly may be suffering from battle fatigue.
Or from borderline personality disorder.

But hey, here’s part of an excerpt from Bill’s book – YOU be the judge.
Central Command (CENTCOM) Initial Briefing
Uh oh. I hope we don’t get in trouble with the Pentagon for posting this.
At times you have to fight. No way around it. At some point, every one of us is confronted with danger or injustice. How we choose to combat that challenge is often life-defining. You can face difficulties head-on, or run from them, or ignore them until they consume you.
Or you can dream up elaborate fantasies where it’s the Old West and you’re Clint Eastwood, and at high noon you shoot your nemesis right between the head, and it’s so sweet! And then you get your employer to sue your foe. Sure, that’s not a healthy way of dealing with your difficulties, but it works for some people.
But no one escapes conflict. No one.In my experience of more than thirty years of practicing journalism, I’ve found that most people do not like to fight. No surprise there.
So, in Bill’s experience, most people are pussies, except for him.
For a variety of reasons that I will explain, I have chosen to jump into the fray and become a warrior in the vicious culture war that is currently under way in the United States of America.
Wait, before Bill explains his reasons, let’s see if we can guess them! I’m going to say he jumped into the vicious fray because:

* He needs material for his TV and radio programs, and by pretending to be a fighter for the causes which his elderly male audience believes in, he can maintain his ratings, and thereby keep the Fox News loot rolling in.

* Picking fights with everyone keeps him in the spotlight, and he needs the attention to help inflate his sense of selfworth, which is actually quite low due to his feelings that his father never loved him

* He is just naturally pugnacious, and being a bully, getting into fights is what he does

* He has a personality disorder, and whenever somebody believes differently than him, he sees it as a personal attack

* He’s also a big jerk

But hey, you can probably think of other reasons.

Now, back to Bill:
And war is exactly the right term. On one side of the battlefield are the armies of the traditionalists like me, people who believe the United States was well founded and has done enormous good for the world. On the other side are the committed forces of the secular-progressive movement that want to change America dramatically: mold it in the image of Western Europe.
And in the middle are those folks who really don’t care if the K-Mart clerk wishes you a “Merry Christmas” or a “Happy Holiday.”
Rather surprisingly, at least to me, one result of my decision to fight in this war has been financial success. Another result has been a measure of fame.
Yes, imagine Bill’s surprise when he discovered that you really can’t go broke underestimating the intelligence of the average Fox News viewer!
The culture war has also made me perhaps the most controversial broadcaster in the country. That hot-button label “controversial” gives my enemies, they think, the right to attack me and my enterprises ceaselessly, unfairly, even dementedly. I truly drive the opposing force nuts! As you may know, I’m engaged in fighting them on a daily basis,
By calling them names during the “Most Ridiculous Item of the Day” part of his program.
and that warfare is the subject of this book.

Maybe it helps that many of my Irish ancestors were warriors.
It doesn’t help me any, Bill. I don’t think it does much for your ancestors either.
They lived in County Cavan and fought Oliver Cromwell when he devastated Ireland in the name of the British Commonwealth. They lost that fight. Later, some of them emigrated to America during the great famine of the 1840s.
No, Bill, they emigrated FROM Ireland, and immigrated TO America. You should have paid more attention to the nuns during English class.
More came later. My paternal grandfather fought in World War I, then became a New York City police officer. He was one tough SOB. I have his billy club in my desk drawer. It was well used. Come to think of it, maybe I was named after that club.
Or maybe Bill was named for granddad’s dildo, which Bill also keeps in his desk drawer.

In any case, Bill comes from a long line of obnoxious, misguided SOBs, and so some of his problem might be caused by genetics.
In the next generation’s world war, my father was a naval officer and was on the scene during the occupation of Japan. He was by nature a warrior but, in an interesting contradiction, was also frightened by the unknown, the Great Depression having imposed upon my father a fear that he never defeated. Even so, his instincts were to combat injustice and scorn those who ran from necessary conflict. But his reluctance to challenge authority and take chances in his career and life would stifle his potential. I watched throughout my growing years as he was slowly beaten down by the system.
I think that what Bill is trying to say is that his father had the bellicose O’Reilly temperament, but he let his bosses push him around at work, and then came home and took out his aggression on his wife and kids. And Bill is never going to be like him, in that he fights the systen by taking out his agression on everyone, not just family members.
The problem was that Dad was very bright and creative, but his job converting foreign currency into dollars was pure drudgery. My father died young, at age sixty-two. Observing him, I vowed never to allow the “system” to beat me or to let any individual push me around as his direct superiors did him.

So far, I’m ahead on that score.
Yup, while Bill’s Naval Officer father served only after the defeat of Japan in WWII, Bill actaully saw combat! So, Bill has posthumously bested Dad. Too bad it doesn’t bring Bill the gratification he thought it would.

The next section can be summarized as follows: “I am so great! I am so great! Everybody loves me, I am so great!” (It helps if you imagine him wearing a diaper and banging two pans together while he sings this.) So, let’s skip over the grandiosity, and jump to the paranoia:
In fact, not since the late Howard Cosell has an American broadcaster been so roundly vilified in print as I have been over the past decade. “Gasbag,” “blowhard,” “demagogue”–these are common adjectives used when newspaper writers refer to me. I’m not whining, just stating a fact.
Bill, it’s not really vilification if what the newspaper writers are saying is true. I’m just stating a fact, so quit your whining!
Because of the very personal nature of the battle I have chosen to fight, this is a difficult book to write. I don’t like to sound bitter, but the truth is, I am bitter to some extent.
And also mean-spirited, querulous, and cranky. I think somebody needs a nap!
Although I have won far more battles than I’ve lost, my life has changed drastically. I am routinely threatened with physical harm and have to employ security.
Bill’s head cracking Irish cop grandfather would be so ashamed of Bill’s lack of self-reliance!
I have to absorb rank defamation in the press, with no legal recourse because I’m a “public figure.”
And it’s just so unfair that Bill, who has made millions by saying mean things about other people, can’t have journalists killed for saying mean things about him. We really need to change the laws in this country.
My family has also been threatened and I’ve had to change every aspect of my life. No longer can I behave as a “regular guy” and go out and cut loose with my friends.
I personally consider it a tragedy that Bill had had to change his very way of life, and can no longer go out with his buddies and strong-arm the first-graders for their lunch money like he used to.
No longer can I even engage a stranger in conversation–there are too many crazies out there. At work, every call I receive is monitored and every interaction I have has to be witnessed.
Bill, honey, that’s not because of your valiant fight against the evil “S-P’s,” it’s because you sexually harass your female employees and your network is tired of paying them off.
I am never off the job and am always on guard. Would you want to live that way?
Let’s all spend the rest of the day pitying Bill, who is probably the most poorly treated person in the world. And even if you’re a child in Africa who is dying of AIDS, or an Iraqi civilian whose house was just blown up by American troops, I’m sure you’ll thank God that you don’t have to live the always-on-guard-for-lawsuits life of a Bill O’Reilly.

TOMORROW: Bill quotes from the The Godfather II …

34 Responses to “Bill O’Reilly, Culturehadeen”

We think that Sadly, No! is also pretty black-hearted.
Yes, but are they Joan-Jetted? I think that’s the real question. Um, my real question anyway. What were we talking about?
Well, among other things, s.z. was suggesting that Bill O’Reilley’s reasons for being a “culture warrior” could be one of the following: he’s sucking up to his dumber fans, he’s an attention whore, he’s a bully, he has a personality disorder, or he just a big jerk.
I think it’s ALL of those things.
Also, Bill O’Reilley is icky.
Traditional values? I think that’s code for kill the niggers.
Talk about narcissism! This guy needs a psychiatric medication regimen, not some minders monitoring his phone calls.
What worries me is that I fear the popularity of his show indicates that there are lots of people out there who suffer from the same mental disorder. Thank God there are still more people willing to watch “American Idol” than Bill, thereby proving that masochism is still the most prevalent U.S. mental illness.
Yes, Bill. That’s right. You’re driving those mean guys at Media Matters nuts. Also, Keith Olbermann. Why, they can hardly face themselves in the mirror, what with you calling them out and them doubled over laughing their asses off and all.
Once upon a time, my partner and I were watching the Molly Ivins/Al Franken/Bill-O Book TV thing. And Bill, clearly in the throes of what he felt was a rational argument, began screaming “Shut up! Shut up!” at Al. And my partner turned to me and said, “Is he for real?”
I think the question has been answered, quite adroitly, by S.Z.
The book should provide weeks of joy for Olbermann and Franken and Media Matters. I know I’m looking forward to it as well.
Personality disorder? Hmm. I may have one. Check the criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder, characterized by five of the following:
(1) has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
(2) is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
(3) believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
(4) requires excessive admiration
(5) has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
(6) is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
(7) lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
(8) is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
(9) shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes
They lived in County Cavan and fought Oliver Cromwell
And the O’Reillys have never forgotten what life is like when bullying Puritans tell you how to live it.
(From this truism, recent generations have drawn divergent conclusions.)
Olbermann’s book went from 19,000 to 76 today on the pre-sales….That’ll be some pissin’ contest when Bill hears about that. The Club for Growth will have to do a new round of fundraising to pay for the new bulk purchases.
Nice work.
Olbermann’s book went from 19,000 to 76 today on the pre-sales….
Well, we can’t have THAT! I propose this: everyone should buy multiple copies of Better Living Through Bad Movies (preferably through WoC’s link) just to shoot their rank up above 76. So I’m thinkin’….20-50 copies per reader? Can we do that? Can I get an “Amen!” ?
A few observations on the cover of the book:
1) Bill seems to have a bit more hair than he actually possesses, at least per what I’ve seen of him on his show.
2) What’s with the angelic light shining down upon him? How much more explicit does he have to make his messianic tendencies?
3) Why the windbreaker? Was the cover shot in a rowboat in Long Island Sound?
Oh, yeah, and heaven forbid the “secular-progressives” get control of this country, and wrest it away from its theocratic, regressive foundations. I mean, any serious student of history understands that that the United States was intended to be a Taliban-esque Christiano-fascist state, but then the ACLU went and ruined it for everybody.
Drew: I think that also describes the DubShrub rather well…
The next section can be summarized as follows: “I am so great! I am so great! Everybody loves me, I am so great!” (It helps if you imagine him wearing a diaper and banging two pans together while he sings this.)
Damn, it’s going to take steel wool to get that image out of my brain.
Why does Bill fight in the Culture War? Because he won’t get shot in that war (or will he?).
Secular progressive or ultra-traditionalist, I think we can all agree that our 19th century immigration laws left a lot to be desired.
Taking a good look at the full ripeness of the evidence against Billy the Stick O’Lielly, one overwhelmingly concludes the dide is a royal asshole.
Culture Warrior showcases Bill O’Reilly at his most eloquent and impassioned.
Translation: His editor took his bottle of Patron away for a week during the rewrite.
No longer can I behave as a “regular guy” and go out and cut loose with my friends.
I have a feeling Bill’s friends are grateful. The last time Bill “cut loose” they had to evacuate Fox Studios. Bill’s not allowed to have reuben sandwiches for lunch anymore.
I love how one moment the ACLU is all atheist and anti-religion and the next moment they are forcing our school children to convert to Islam!
I live with someone like that–he can’t maintain a coherent thought in his head from one day to the next. But he’s a deaf Australian cattle dog.
What’s Bill’s excuse?
I don’t like to sound bitter, but the truth is, I am bitter to some extent.
And you kids get off my lawn!
Every time O’Reilly’s name comes up in conversation, I always work in the line “Bill O’Reilly is a Tool”. And he is. He is a tool of the Republican Party. His purpose is to gin up fear in the electorate. Nothing more, nothing less.
Would that he could be summarily dismissed as such, but no, he gets serious play time on Fox, so we have to spend valuable time and effort exposing his lies and distortions. And then, it doesn’t seem to work because his audience pays absolutely no attention to the likes of us. It’s enough to make one sick.
Bill O’Reilly is the very embodiment of the idea of a Culture Warrior
With apologies to Gilbert and Sullivan,
“He is the very model of the modern culture warrior”
In fact, not since the late Howard Cosell has an American broadcaster been so roundly vilified in print as I have been over the past decade.
And yet Bill has never once commented on the performance of an African-American athlete by using the phrase, “Look at that little monkey run!”
No, Bill, they emigrated FROM Ireland, and immigrated TO America.
Actually, as much as it pains me to say so, O’Liely is correct in his terminology. One is an “immigrant from [the old country]” in their new country, and an “emigrant to [the new country]” in their old country. Not that that makes him any less of a fear-mongering, fact-challenged asshole.
Anyway, now that I have actually been on his side for two seconds, I have to go take a long shower to wash away the icky.
“He is the very model of the modern culture warrior”
He has A Little List, too. Probably reads pretty close to the original.
(I was too lazy for the Tarantara joke. Cut me some slack: I was up all night with a barfing cat.)
Wow. Even if I didn’t have political views that were polar opposites of the Gasbag’s, his high school parsing of the language would be enough to turn me off.
“In my experience of more than thirty years of practicing journalism…” Practicing WHAT???!!! That’s like Jeffrey Dahmer calling himself a chef.
Oh: “Braveheart-like fight”? What does that mean-the book is riddled with factual innacuries designed to shore up his hetereosexuality?
Come to think of it, it probably is.
I want to hear about “the abuse epidemic” (self- “and otherwise”) “with special emphasis on the war against” falafels.
Grandpa Bill, tell me about the falafels!
But, one day, BAM! Gibson’s going to get a knock on his door and life as he’s known it will change forever.
I’ve always wondered what happened to Paul Lazzaro, now it makes sense.
Did he steal that jogging suit from the “Seinfeld” set?
Mendelbaum, Mendelbaum, Mendelbaum!
That’s like Jeffrey Dahmer calling himself a chef.
*snort* Yes, yes it is.
I admit to being baffled as to how a sexual harrasser can bitch about how “abuse”, in which category I definitely include obscene phone calls to women who can’t hang up without losing their jobs, as some sign of the democratic and liberal cultural decline.
The worst rapists, kid touchers, and wife and child beaters I ever met were republicans.
I know I’m saying this a lot lately, but it’s really appropriate here: Bill? Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Cut his mic!.
Billy Club O’Reilly writes: I have to absorb rank defamation in the press, with no legal recourse because I’m a “public figure.”
A lie.
Public figures are free to sue those that write about them. Just ask Nicole Kidman or Clint Eastwood. If what is written is clearly false and defamatory, justice prevails and the author of such defamation will be forced to cough up big dollars and a prominent retraction of the published statement which initiated the suit.
In O’Reilly’s case, the only suit he’s ever brought– or actually forced Fox to bring– was against Al Franken for using the phrase “fair and balanced” in the title of a book he wrote about O’Reilly and other Fox common taters. The rambling complaint filed looks like it came from O’Reilly himself, and consists largely of page after page of ad hominem attacks directed at Franken, such as “Franken has recently been described as a ‘C-level political commentator’ who is ‘increasingly unfunny.’”
[sigh]Objection: Relevance, your honor?
Unsurprisingly, the suit was summarily dismissed, as the judge found it to be “completely without merit.”
O’Reilly has complained often about the lack of legal recourse he supposedly has against Franken and other detractors. In an interview with Stone Phillips of NBC, he was asked why he felt that way. Here’s how it went:
PHILLIPS: Well, the standard is: is he lying about you?
O’REILLY: Of course he is. It’s absurd. It’s ridiculous. He —
PHILLIPS: What has he said that’s inaccurate?
O’REILLY: Well, I’m not gonna go over that. I’m not gonna — I mean, all I can tell you is that I don’t lie. Haven’t lied about anything. He says I lie. That’s not true.
Suffice to say, Bill’s statement to Stone Phillips is itself yet another lie. O’Reilly lies like other folks breathe, and Franken merely pointed this out.
“Well, I’m not gonna go over that,” he says. Here, Bill, sue me for this: You are Christendom’s Premier Fucking Fool.
So, grandfather fought in WWI, father served in the Navy but missed WWII, and in Bill O’Reilly’s generation’s war… nothing.
Where was the Warrior during Vietnam? Hiding on a college deferment- fit enough to play college football, but not enough to carry a rifle
Damn, it’s going to take steel wool to get that image out of my brain.
Oh boo-hoo … how does O’Reilly in a diaper possibly compare with the Chthonian Horror that is Bill’s inherited Grandpa Dildo? Steel wool? There aren’t enough Scientologists in the world to scrub my mind clean after that little vignette.

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