The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, (2006 to 2010).

Current posts can be found here.

Monday, January 31, 2011

Winning Isn't Everything, But It Does Give You Imaginary Hoodie Points

Here are the answers to Sunday’s “WHO SAID IT?” contest, and the winners for this round. Sorry it’s taken me so long to get this posted, but I’ve experienced major technical problems each time I’ve tried to put this thing together.  I blame AOL, Word Press (which I really, REALLY hate), EMachines, and NSA).

There were some great answers, so I encourage everyone to read the comments for that post, because I am too frazzled to post all the funny ones.  But be advised that many more style points were earned than will be awarded this time.  Sorry.  

Also, if I mistakenly miscredited the wrong person for being the first to name the Mystery Guest, I am also sorry, but take comfort in knowing that after Armageddon, God will sort it all out. Now, let’s get started before something else goes wrong.

 1.  Peggy NoonanBill S.

And a style point to julia for the following:
When you consider that she thought Reagan’s organic brain dysfunction was a sign of zenlike deeper wisdom, 1 would pretty much have to be our girl Peg.

2. Bill O’Reilly- Zeno

Zeno also gets a style point for this:
#2 is Bill O’Reilly, fun-loving sexual predator and, in his own opinion, one of the smartest men on the planet. I await his attack on Noonan for her glorification of stupidity.
.3.  Pastor SwankBill S.
And a style point to Marq for:
J. Grant Swank, Jr., master of the mystic arts. His long sabbatical (to the Westboro Baptist Church) has finally paid off, and he knows who’s *really* behind everything bad–Doug Giles!

4.  Doug GilesChristopher

And a style point to D. Sidhe for the following:
Should a guy who “repeatedly pees on the toilet seat” be trusted with guns? Someone needs to practice his aim before being handed live ammo.
A point also to Marq for:
And speaking of the “manly” Pastor Giles… Excuse me, smoking cigars in his wife’s closet?!? Somebody must be pleased when her lace teddy smells like an ashtray, but I bet it osn’t *her*. Maybe it makes Dougie feel more comfortable when he slips it on, who knows?
5.   Ann CoulterZeno

Style points to Marq for:
mAnn-hands Coulter, patiently awaiting the arrival of the cops to arrest her for that fake NY Times “mAnnthrax” letter like Karen Black at the end of Trilogy Of Terror…*chock* *chock* *chock*.

Style points to Christopher for
Dr. Victor Frankenstein.
The tip-off was this: “… A literal living chronology of the ongoing Israel-Hezbollah War has been created…”
That’s right, this chronicle is a lving being. Apparently Dr. Frankenstein is spending his spare time tatooing the monster with a pictoral history of the middle east. This will only end in tears.
7.  Rush LimbaughChristopher

Style points to preznit giv me turkee for his answer:
Rush (fka BlowHard) Limbaugh- after realising he had been taken in by the Costa Rican “you gotta get the girl pregnant so we can the abort the fetus to provide you with stem cells to grow a new liver, kidneys etc” scammers.

Style points to Tara the anti-social social worker for her answer:
Thomas Sowell – he meant to say they are “now” spare parts.
Style points also to Marq for:

Chimpy McHitlerburton? Commander Coo-Coo Bananas? Dumbya? Incurious George? El Gringo Loco? The Littlest Preznit? Jeebus v2.0? Drunky McDrunkington? Shrubby Arbusto? Teh Cheerleader In Chief? Condi’s Husband? Spendy “It’s Only Credit” McDefecitington? I Spy (with my little NSA) Something Beginning With Dubya? Worst. Preznit. Evah? oh, yeah–It’s George W. Bush. Bleah!

First to get them all right in one post was Zeno, who may or may not have cheated, but since he did it with style, he is allowed to get away with it.
Congratulations to everyone!  Save your points, because some day you might be able to trade them for cool prizes, such as this hooded sweatshirt from American Life League:
Front: Abortion is homicide
Back: You will not silence my message / You will not mock my God / You will stop killing my generation.
“My generation”?  I guess it’s a little tiny sweatshirt for embryos to wear while they work out in the womb.  It’s probably all the rage among the Snowflakes.


Hey, I got O’Reilly first. It wouldn’t bug me, but it was in the same sentence I mentioned Noonan. Oh well, if it means Zeno gets the sweatshirt instead of me, I can live with it. :)
That’s a truly repulsive sweatshirt, isn’t it. WTF is with this “mocking God” thing? I’m reasonably certain the Bill of Rights says I can, and all you can do in return is A) mock my gods (feel free, btw) or B) hope you’re right enough that your god will get even with me later.
My gods aren’t even omnipotent and they don’t get all freaky about being mocked. Although, I suspect their god cares less than they do.
So maybe the shirt should really say, “You will not mock my beliefs.” Which I guess is not that defiant, really. Kind of petulant, actually.
The whole thing gives me that “You’re lucky my chick’s here” vibe for some reason.
I really hate it when some modern day punk-ass appropriates any lines from Who lyrics, which may just embody my god thing, so don’t fuck with me Snowflake.
I woudda played if I’d known there were points. Because they are, you know, points!
Everybody! “Talkin’ ’bout killin’ my g-g-g-generation”
That’s exactly what I first thought of, Heydave.
Talk ’bout k-k-k-illing . . . my generation!
Now *that’s* synchronicity.
Say, when we shovel snow(flakes) in teh winter, does it mean we HATES TEH BABIEZ!!!1!?? Inquiring minds, and all that.
I woudda played if I’d known there were points. Because they are, you know, points!
And points mean prizes. What do points mean?
(Even more points if anyone can name the source for this reference.)
It’s too hot for a hoodie anyway. Do they have that saying printed on a speedo?
I dunno if you’re allowed to hand out points on someone else’s blog, Auguste. And how is it I didn’t know you’d joined another blog? Now I have to start reading over there regularly, too. You people are the reason I don’t have a life.
And Bill S, you are a bad, bad man.
Ha Ha! Your God is funny looking and smells like butt.
“You will stop killing my generation” obviously refers to an induced loss of sexual function. We are being accused of somehow causing them to lose their boners.
My campaign is succeeding.
The Blastocyte Police will be knocking down my door any moment now. Conceivably I might have lost a fertilized, future American citizen this month. I’m afraid to put my used feminine-daintiness products–or even their wrappers!–in the trashcan for the Blastocyte Police to find, and it’s too d**n hot here in the District of Columbia to burn the evidence in the fireplace, much less wear one of those hoodies.
Farewell, dear friends!
Save yourself, Mrs. TBB!! Plant the evidence in your neighbors’ garbage can–frame them!!1!
Um, not the gay, make couple, though. Even Republicans aren’t st00pid enough to fall for that. ‘Course, they might very well turn them in to the Lambda Elimination Patrol….
Gah, typos. That was “[...]gay, male couple[...]“, of course.
Oh, but Marq, all our neighbors on both sides of the street are gay! I’d have to walk furtively down the alley into the next block to dump my personal items. Or maybe I’ll carry the detritus to the gas station, or Safeway, and put it in their trashcans. The mind boggles!

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