The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, (2006 to 2010).

Current posts can be found here.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Questions to Ponder

Here are some things to think about while Scott decides which movies we will wasting our beautiful minds on in the near future.The first one comes from Doug Giles:
Am I to create a Haitian voodoo doll, conjure up some wicked curse and level it at the bloggers who are having fun at my expense?
I’m gonna have to say “no” to this one.

Thankfully (because we hates us those Haitian voodoo doll curses), Doug agrees.
Absolutely not. It’s a difference of opinion that makes a horse race. Anyway, most of their quips are hilarious . . . and being the narcissist that I am, I appreciate the attention be it good or bad. Since I dish it out on a regular and prolific basis, I should be a good sport and not wince when I get it.
We’re glad to hear you say that, Doug — because we just have to pay some attention to this line from your column:
When you take the accounts of Christ’s life straight (as I do my whiskey)
“The name is Giles.  Doug Giles.  And I like my nature dead, my metaphors tortured, and my Jesus shaken, not stirred”

Our next question comes from the talented Kevin McCullough (whom you probably best remember as an extra in My Best Friend’s Wedding and Logan’s Run), who asks “Why did Wal-Mart go gay?

The answer to this one seems to be, “Just to piss off Kevin.”Here’s part of Kevin’s soul-searching column:
There is something simple, familiar, inexpensive, and friendly at a Wal-Mart. During college basketball days when the team would be on the road, we never felt far from home if we could load up on CD’s, Slim-Jims (the beef snack – not automobile door openers), and Mountain Dew, and zip through the smiley face check-out lane.
Good times, good times!

But let’s all take a minute to pity Kevin, for whom home is a “box store” full of cut-rate crap made in China, and for whom love is a never-ending supply of Slim Jims, Mountain Dew, and Shanaia Twain CDs. 
And now Kevin has discovered that home is gay!
Wal-Mart stores have now signed on to an agreement with the “National Gay and Lesbian Chamber of Commerce.”
Leaving me to ask the question – WHY?
The angst-ridden cry of a wingnut who has just learned that his department store had gone gay is one of the saddest things I’ve ever heard
Wal-Mart never excluded anyone from being employed there based on their sexual preference. To them, and more importantly to the consumer – it didn’t matter. Homosexuals got hired, fired, paid, and promoted in the exact same fashion everyone else did. In fact to be honest, unless the employee came in bragging about his conquests from the night before – the subject never came up.

And that’s how it should be. It’s not my business if you’re shacking up with your girlfriend but you don’t have the chutzpah to marry her. It’s God’s business – but not mine. If you’re openly cheating on your married spouse – you are the one who will have to pay the price for that knowledge being public. But then again, who would benefit if you did? Whatever your appetite in sexual desire, men, women, pets, and blow-up dolls – in a civilized society – it should never be in good taste to discuss it publicly.
Now, to illustrate Kevin’s point, let’s listen to an imaginary exchange between two Wal-Mart employees.

Jim: So, Bob, how was your weekend?

Bob: It was okay. The wife and I . .

Jim: I don’t want to hear about your heterosexuality, Bob!

Bob: Hey, I was just going to say that Yvonne and I went to the movies.

Jim: It’s really uncouth of you to come in bragging of your conquest of the night before. I mean, you’re a man, Yvonne is a woman — could you make things any more graphic!? Remember, in a civilized society, it’s never in good taste to mention one’s sexual desires, and your obvious preference for women is something that should never be brought into the workplace.

Bob: Sorry about that. Anyway, how was your weekend, Jim?

Jim: Pretty good, actually. I killed a drifter and buried his body in the basement.

Bob: That sounds like fun.

But back to Kevin, who is still in a full-fledged attack of apoplexy.
Why will a Wal-Mart Vice President now sit on the NGLCC task force?

Why will Wal-Mart spend monetary resources to help fund conferences that promote same gender sexual behavior? Would they do the same for adulterers? Pedophiles? Men who like sheep?
Rick Santorum, Kevin is on the line — he says he’ll match your man-on-dog sex line, and raise it by a pedophile, a blow-up doll, and a herd of sheep.

And then Kevin goes on to explain that it wasn’t really Wal-Mart’s fault it went gay, it was just led astray by bad companions.
I know it wasn’t their idea. But in not fighting it, by succumbing to the threats of the community that likes to identify itself based on what type of sex they have in the bedroom, Wal-Mart has taken a turn in an incredibly stupid direction. 
See, Kevin is part of the community that likes to identify itself by the kind of sex it doesn’t have in the bedroom: anything other than dutiful, procreative, missionary-position sex!

Our last really deep question comes from Jeff Jacoby:
If you were one of the journalists kidnapped in Gaza last month and ordered at gunpoint to become a Muslim, what would you have done?
I don’t really know, Jeff, never having been kidnapped, terrorized, and threatened at gunpoint.  But please, tell us what YOU would have done?

Fox News reporter Steve Centanni and photographer Olaf Wiig announced their acceptance of Islam on a videotape released by their kidnappers — ‘‘because they had the guns,’’ Centanni later said, ‘‘and we didn’t know what the hell was going on.’’

Whether their acquiescence was an act of cowardice or of prudence, reasonable people can debate. Clearly it wasn’t their only choice. If I were ever told, with a gun to my head, to recite the shahada or die, I hope I would have the courage to take the bullet.
What a nice thought, Jeff. 
And speaking of courage and standing up to terrorists and stuff, how are those enlistment papers coming?

“It’s not my business if you’re shacking up with your girlfriend but you don’t have the chutzpah to marry her.”
I don’t think that word means what he thinks it means.
“If you’re openly cheating on your married spouse”
Uh, there’s some other kind of spouse?
“…I hope I would have the courage to take the bullet.”
I hope you would, too, Jeff.
I’m pretty sure Christians aren’t supposed to practice voodoo anyway, so the fact that Dougie doesn’t, shouldn’t be that much of a shock. Oh wait-he hasn’t actually READ the Bible, he just barely skimmed it, so this is a coincidence. Oh well, stopped clocks, I guess.
Kevin’s homobigotry, though hilariously over-the-top, is not terribly original. Do these idiots work from some template?
And Jeffy…well, what Uncle Mike said.
Wal-Mart stores have now signed on to an agreement with the “National Gay and Lesbian Chamber of Commerce.”
Leaving me to ask the question – WHY?

Never ever let Kevin go inside the Target over here on the corner of La Brea and Santa Monica. He will have a stroke. All kinds of families are lovin havin a Target in the neighborhood, straight and gay families! Its a busy and (I’m guessing) profitable Target.
Which would probably answer Kevin’s question–WalMart wants a piece of the Homosexual Action–er…business wise and they were probably consulting on how best to market WalMart to the gay community.
Actually, voodoo is more or less Christian itself. I do find myself almost kind of thinking about considering sort of warming to Doug the slightest bit after his comments about taking criticism good naturedly. But, of course, then I read the rest of it, and he’s still a prick.
Kevin, of course, is the sort of disingenuous fuckwit who feels that gays don’t need “special rights” based on a chosen and not innate behavior. Which would be almost funny if he wasn’t in fact arguing for companies’ being allowed to fire gays for being gay, while suggesting they already have adequate protection against just that in place, and explaining that he feels this way on account of his own legally protected, chosen and not innate religious lifestyle. If this isn’t enough to make him sound like an asshole, he then falls back on the pathetic man-on-dog cliche which requires him to honestly believe that there is no difference between rape and consentual sex, and that gays aren’t actually human.
And as far as this whole Fox cameraman thing goes, do these guys realize how fucking stupid they sound when they explain that they would cheerfully die for their principles, from the safety of their homes in the US? Yeah, probably not. If they’re not struck with lightning the next time they argue they’re not chickenhawks, then there is no god.
Paging the Department of Repetitious Redundancy Department. Not only do we have “married spouse” but we also have “Haitian voodoo” to, ya know, distinguish it from “Slovokian voodoo” or “Norwegian voodoo.”
[...] World ‘o Crap is on fire with this one.  “I like my Jesus shaken, not stirred.”  Ineed. [...]
Dougy Giles is probably way too scared of that “suffer not a witch to live” crap in teh bible to ever practice any voodoo. In fact, his “hot, Italian wife” probably frightened him half-to-death saying something like, “You’ve been smoking those cheap-ass cigars in my lingerie closet again, haven’t you? But, this time, you rtried to cover it up by spraying everything with Febreeze™! Well, isn’t that ‘witchy’ of you?” Fleeing in terror at having been caught, Dougy hid in the garage for seven hours until he forgot why he was out there hiding.
Mr. Kevin “clutches his pearls (others call theirs ‘testicles’)” McCullough certainly bought “My First Big Book of Rightwing Talking Points,” didn’t he? Oh, look–teh gaze are child touchers and dog rapers! Where have I heard that before?
But in not fighting it, by succumbing[...]
Heh. He said “Suck cum.”
[...]to the threats of the community that likes to identify itself based on what type of sex they have in the bedroom[...]
As opposed to “straights,” who apparently are talking about rulers or something. I’m so confused!
And, finally, Jeff “I wanna die, just like Jesus Christ” Jacoby. Wot a poltroon! I have a gentle suggestion for Mr. Jacoby. If you itchin’ so bad to become a “Christian martyr,” follow this simple plan:
1.) Fly to Uraq. Baghdad is beautiful at this time of year, when the body parts begin to fall. Soon, there’ll be great, heaping piles of ‘em everywhere!
2.) Survive the trip from the airport to downtown (no mean trick, that).
3.) Walk around downtown Baghdad until someone shoots you, beheads you, or blows you up. I give it 20 minutes, tops. Perhaps if you’re really fortunate, you’ll die in some novel way, like getting shot by a Columbian mercenary working for Blackwater who is disgruntled that he’s making $34/day while the whiteys are making upwards of $1000/day. Or perhaps some followers of Grand Ayatollah Al-Sistani might mistake you for a decadent, Western homosexual, and proceed to “kill you in the worst way possible,” just like the Ayatollah commanded them to. Best of luck, Jeff.
Um, Iraq. D’oh.
Unfrozen Caveman Pundit Jacoby: I hope I would have the courage to take the bullet.
You know that quip, “hope is not a plan”?
Pity, that.
You can say one nice thing about Doug Giles — at least he’s a nicer person than Dr. Mike, Ph.D.I.C.K.H.E.A.D. And I have to admit that I loved the phrase “torturing the scripture via inane eisegesis and icky exegesis.” He really was bit by the alliteration bug today, along with his usual 323 references to his penis.
That Kevin guy is sadly low-rent, however. He just doesn’t add the proper amount of individualized insanity to catapult himself into the big leagues. I mean, an anecdote about your college basketball team? Lame! Even if “Slim Jims” kind of remind me of penises.
Whether their acquiescence was an act of cowardice or of prudence, reasonable people can debate. Clearly it wasn’t their only choice. If I were ever told, with a gun to my head, to recite the shahada or die, I hope I would have the courage to take the bullet.
Those Fox guys are pussies, but not for the reasons he thinks.
It’s easy to catch a bullet to the head, like a tetnus shot it only hurts for a second, it’s not like they are sawing at your neck with a rusty machete.
If you are going to shlep off to video in a warzone overrun with fanatical masked mussolinies you should at least study up- learn a few basic phrases in italian some Georges Sorel quotes and change your name to Vinnie.
The first rule of videotaping in a foreign country is ‘know the culture’.
Yeah, they had two choices-recite a verse they’d didn’t necessarily believe, or be killed.
If somebody puts a gun to your head and tells you, “Say you can see purple cows floating over your head, or we’ll kill you!”, the choice is pretty easy, ain’t it?
People really do believe there’s such a thing as “Magic words”, don’t they?
What Jeff overlooks is, they had their fingers crossed, so it didn’t count anyway.
It’s a difference of opinion that makes a horse race.
Really? A difference of opinion makes a horse race? If that’s the case, no wonder I’ve been losing at the track.
Well, Jeff says he would take a bullet, but would he, to recall Lenny Bruce, take the hot lead enema? I think not.
Hey, s.z., there’s a long-winded, tedious, racist, homophobic, creepy and repetitive troll in the yard!
I thought you sprayed for those!
(psst…can you delete those posts? If for no other reason than they’re really long and boring. And they contain links to hate groups.)
Awwwww, mannnn, I always get here after the troll-spaying is done… oh, wait, did he say “spraying”? Either way, good ideas.
What else really needs to be said about ol’ Dougie boy? The fact that Mister Paranoid-Dementia Poster-Boy is trying to convince us that he’s a “good sport” and has a “sense of humor,” I think, is just further proof of rapidly-accelerating Alzheimer’s, the downslope of male menopause, and, of course, his always-declining readership. He couldn’t get any more pathetic if he put on a clown suit and tried to sing “Paliacci” (which I’m no doubt mangling the spelling, but wtf) whilst juggling flaming swords (I was shooting for a Gilesian tortured metaphor, but I think that it went limp at the end, just like Ol’ Dougie…). Well, okay, the flaming swords would be really pathetic, REALLY pathetic, ’cause you know he’d fuck it up, but the big floppy shoes would be fun. For us.
As to this newbie trash Kevin… jeeeeebus fucking jumped-up christ on a fucking cracker with a side of horseradish, he’s LAME. Lemme guess, he’s the stand-in when, say, Willie Aames can’t make it to the set of “BibleMan”?
And I hate to break it to ol’ Kev, but damned near every Wally World in the Gulf South is filled to the SILLS with nelly li’l queens, be they hick, citified, or somewhere in the hell known as suburbia. Half of the managers are more flaming than Rip Taylor doing an impression of Liberace. And they are the most FUN! What’s really entertaining, (BK, before Katrina) was to go to the Super WallyWorld out in Harahan (Voted Best Looting Site by the Jefferson Parish Sheriff’s Office) around 10P on a weeknight, hang around customer service with the gay managers, and giggle profusely as the gother-than-thou suburbanite kids tried to freak-out the retirees. Now, my chirrens, THAT is entertainment! (And yes, at times, I have been an audaciously cheap date. Shut the hell up, Ted. And Preznit. And Bill.)
It takes more than an Islamic bullet to penetrate the bony protrusion atop Jeff Jacoby!
Weeze the juice, buuuudy!
I’ve never been in that exact situation, obviously, but I’ve been accosted at knifepoint. I actually stuck to my guns (no pun intended), but it wasn’t because I had some bizarre wish for martyrdom. I was concerned that if I capitulated – if I showed anything the attackers might perceive as weakness – then I’d be finished for sure.
If I were in the Fox journalists’ shoes, I’m not sure what I would have done. I guess that would depend on what I perceived about the terrorists and their values. I guess I can see myself asking why they’d want me to convert to Islam: “After all,” I hope I’d say, “you can get anyone to say anything at gunpoint. That’s why the Qu’ran forbids conversion by the sword. It isn’t genuine. If I live, I’ll just go home and resume my lite brand of Christianity.”
Comments like Jeffy’s and Kathleen Parker’s reveal the true heart of a boot-licking neocon. Ask them the smartest thing to do when a robber pulls a gun and asks for their wallet and they’ll most likely say the sensible thing: give them the money. But renounce the big J? No, we’d spit in their brown faces and take the bullet for the Big Guy. As if that’s what a higher power would be all about. I can’t think of a name that fits people like this, my utter contempt clouds my thinking. Any suggestions?
That line about blow-up dolls reminds me of something I saw last week deep in Red Country. There was a guy riding around on a moped (helmet not required) with a foo-foo dog on his lap and a blow-up doll tied to the seat back. If he was moving any slower I would have driven the 60 minutes to go home, get my camera, and come back.
I have met Jeff Jacoby. Let me tell you something: Not only would he have recited the shahada, he would have sung it. And added a clever little tap combination to boot.
One other thing. I think McCullough’s rant is a stealthy attack on gays (underneath his overt attacks, of course) by implying that any of us worth his or her salt would be caught dead in a freaking Wal*Mart. How dare he defame our tase, style, character, and sense of aesthetics by even hinting that we would stoop so low as to shop in one of those aircraft-hanger-sized, florescently-lit Meccas of obesity and rayon! The fucking nerve of that mook.
How ’bout this scenario: The terrorist puts a gun to your FRIEND’S head, and tells you: “Convert, or we’ll kill HIM.”
Whattaya do THEN, Jeffy?
Fuckin’ tool.
According to most Muslim legal opinions a forced shahada is not real. It does not count anyhow. Other things that don’t count are forced marriage vows and forced oaths. The force renders them invalid. The people who were torturing the hostages are illiterate loons and the Fox people did not do any harm to themselves nor did they actually become Muslims by uttering these words at gunpoint.
The fact that the illiterate loons here in the U.S. are treating it as a sort of treason is, well, not surprising, but certainly beyond pathetic.

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