The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, (2006 to 2010).

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Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Storytime, With Dr. Mike

Our friend Dr. Mike Adams, Ph.D., will be our storytime presenter for today. He has many thrilling and educational tales to share with us, and I’m sure you’ll enjoy his amazing TRUE adventures, so put on your listening caps, kids.

In “Martin Luther Queen, Jr.,” Dr. Mike gives us the context of the “gay men engaged in sodomy” poster incident. He also explains that it was all about showing the world that, in reality, people like Dr. Mike are the persecuted minority, since gays are offending them by existing.

The prank of hanging 1000 posters of two gay men engaged in sodomy cannot be said to be offensive to gays because the poster came from a gay magazine funded by the university at the request of campus gay activists.
Likewise, the hanging of 1000 posters of female genitalia around campus on “Take Your Preschooler to School” day cannot be said to be offensive to anyone who has ever been treated by a doctor, since said photo comes from a medical book funded by the university at the request of the medical school.
When we hung those posters, we were attempting to show the parents just how far out the diversity movement had become.
Dr. Mike and his proteges sought out, copied, and posted gay porn in order to make a point about diversity. Right.
The now infamous “1000 poster prank” was meant to show parents – on Parent’s Weekend, no less – that university officials are lying when they say they want to protect students from being offended. In truth, they want to protect gays from offense while simultaneously funding their graphic speech – no matter how offensive it is to Christians. That is the point my gay readers miss – or, perhaps, pretend to miss – on a regular basis
Why can’t anyone see that the very existence of the gay magazine was violating Dr. Mike’s rights?  I think somebody owes him some repairations money!

Anyway, the conclusion of the column explains how the poster of the two gay men engaged in sodomy grew up to become … Richard Nixon. Now you know the REST of the story.

Now, here’s another story from Dr. Mike, this one called “Jon Benet Ramsey in Daisy Dukes.”  It’s about how little girls should be locked in the house and made to wear burqas so that they don’t tempt men with their gyrating hips, sweet young limbs, and other enticing pre-pubescent charms.
On my daily jog though my neighborhood I ran by the house of a man I know fairly well. His garage door was open and music was blaring out of a jam box inside – in fact, the music was so loud it was barely recognizable. But I could tell the song was “These boots are made for walking,” which was popularized by Nancy Sinatra in the 1960s. His two grandchildren were dancing in the driveway to the recent remake of the tune, sung by Jessica Simpson.

As my neighbor’s two grandchildren were standing in the driveway – while gyrating their hips like a couple of prostitutes – I noticed they were both wearing cutoff “Daisy Duke” style short and halter tops.
Inquiring minds want to know why Dr. Mike knows how prostitutes gyrate their hips.

They also want to know if this neighbor is one of those danged hippies who keep plaguing Dr. Mike’s existence.
In today’s world, people who do not make sure their little girls are dressed like little girls are exposing them to extreme danger.

Shortly after I finished my afternoon jog, I went to one of the numerous websites ( that can be used to locate registered sex offenders. I wanted to know how far those two little girls – the ones dancing like hookers – were from the nearest convicted pedophile. The answer: about 500 yards.
Inquiring minds also want to know how many yards Dr. Mike, the guy who romanced and later married one of his former students, lives from the preteen girls who danced like hookers.

But in any case, keep those kids covered, because you never know who’s leering at them as they engage in their girlish summer games.
Next, in “Twelve Angry Muslims,” Dr. Mike shares a true story that happened to him while he was in Wal-Mart looking for a Merle Haggard CD.   And it’s not just a thrilling story of an adult menacing a young teenager, it also “speaks volumes about how Israel should handle the threat of Hezbollah in the Middle East.”
While I was shopping, there were these two kids, probably 12 to 14 years old, running around the store and raising hell without a hint of adult supervision. One of the boys had hair falling down on his shoulders and into his eyes.  […]
After a few moments, the kid with the long hair threw his head back, took a deep breath, and just as he let out a loud, fake sneeze, turned to his left and slobbered on the right arm of the 35 year old standing to his left.
But, just before he started to walk away, the 35 year old stepped in front of the long-haired prankster and initiated the following exchange:
Man: “What the (expletive) do you think you’re doing, boy.”
Punk: “What?”
Man: “I said, what the (expletive) do you think you’re doing sneezing on me, boy?”
Punk: “I didn’t sneeze on you, dude.”
Man: “You had better watch your mouth, boy. And you call me sir. One more time, Goldie Locks, what the (expletive) do you think…” (The man was shaking his finger in the boy’s face at this point in the exchange).
By the end of the last sentence, the kid was running away from the man with his friend following close behind, pointing his finger and, by then, laughing at the boy, instead of the man.
And the man who taught that young hooligan a lesson was … Merle Hagard.

Or not. In any case, the lesson to be learned from it is that Israel should use more expletives when dealing with Hezbollah.

Our last stories are the best ones yet – they come from a piece called “The Taming of the Jew.”  It also teaches Israel some lessons about how it should handle Hezbollah: namely, that Israel should give it false directions, and post its personal info on the web!
I first came into contact with [a liberal e-mailer] after he saw one of my speeches on national television. The man – I use that term loosely – was so upset that he threatened to drive all the way down from New York to “set me straight” for some of the perceived anti-liberal remarks I made during that speech.

After calling me a word that is quite derogatory towards women – and most often used by feminist professors –
Is the word “Feminist”?
he decided to challenge me to a fistfight. Rather than waiting to hear my answer to the challenge, he went ahead and announced the date and time he would arrive at my office at UNC-Wilmington to “kick my (expletive).”
It’s like a round of “Match Game” where YOU fill in the blank! My answer is “kick my (vagina).”
So, naturally, I wrote back to beg and plead with the man so he wouldn’t actually come to my office to fight me. Instead, I gave him directions to my house so I could fight him there.

And here’s where the little lie comes into play. Rather than giving the man my real home address, I gave him the address of a crack house I helped bust – it was about nine years ago – together with a friend in the vice and narcotics unit.
Yes, Dr. Mike, who was, as you will recall, a misguided liberal atheist back then, was also apparently a secret crime fighter who helped the narcotics squad bust crack houses. Believe it or not!
I knew that the homeowner began dealing crack again – years after eighteen people were busted smoking it there – because I still have sources in the neighborhood.
Dr. Mike has his sources –  he’s the Huggy Bear of the UNC criminology department!
I also know that the guys who live there hate white people like the guy who wanted to fight me. What I don’t know is exactly what went down when the poor white bastard knocked on the door of that crack house wanting to fight someone. I only know I never heard from him again.
I guess we can safely assume that he’s dead then. And he deserves to be, for sending a critical email to Dr. Mike!
The little lie I told that liberal honky was an illustration of my philosophy regarding self-defense. Whenever you are uncertain whether you are entering a conflict with the ability to offer a disproportionate response, do everything you can reduce that uncertainty. Sometimes, that may involve telling a little white lie – or a big black lie in this case.
Some might think that Dr Mike philosophy’s of “Talk tough, then hide behind the funky threads of the local crack dealer” isn’t exactly Israel’s cup of tea, but they would be wrong, as Dr. Mike’s next vignette makes clear.
My philosophy came in handy again after another liberal – this time from California – got mad at another of my speeches broadcast on national television. She then called to tell me she was angry because of my opposition to overly broad and vague “harassment” codes that restrict (usually selectively) free speech on college campuses. So she told me she was going to find my home phone number and residential address to harass me constantly until I stopped challenging the harassment codes.
I’m sure that’s exactly what the women said.  It just seems so plausible and all!
That’s when I got the private investigators involved (several of them are former military intelligence officers). We traced the phone call, found her name, hometown, residential address, home phone number, work address, work phone number, supervisor’s work phone number, office fax number, husband’s work phone number, and, finally, the residential addresses and home phone numbers of all her living relatives. And it really didn’t take very long, either.
Never cross Dr. Mike and his crack team of P.I.s, or they will use People Search on you!
After laying the groundwork, I called the angry liberal and explained (to her voice mail) that she had made a very serious mistake by choosing the wrong cowboy to (expletive) with.
Once again, it’s time for a round of “Match Game.” I’m gonna say “She chose the wrong cowboy to (butt sex) with.”

Anyway, the woman backs down, apologizes, and is never heard from again, after possibly being murdered by crack dealers.
And, so, a peace settlement was established within 48 hours. But it was not established through a process of negotiation. It was established through fear, military readiness, and an uncompromising desire to offer the most disproportionate response possible under the circumstances.
And let that be a lesson to the rest of you. If a punk 6-year-old kid with long hair sets foot on your grass to retrieve his ball, threaten to blow his head off. That’s the best way to achieve peace in our time. And if somebody makes fun of your big game hunting at the petting zoo, then, um, you should probably Google them, and then nuke their city. Do it for Jesus. (Israel, I’m talking to you!)
And speaking of Dr. Mike’s adventures at the petting zoo, Julia, the lovely and talented woman who blogs at Sisyphus Shrugged, points us to this post, which is required reading for all Dr. Mike lovers:
hairy fish nuts – I’ve killed over 500 zombies.


33 Responses to “Storytime, With Dr. Mike”

I asked this before, but…does Mike Adams EVER get tired of being such a total dick?
It seems appropriate that going after Dr. Mike is so much like shooting fish in a barrel, since that’s so much like his second favorite leisure activity.
Wotta man! I bet he makes witty remarks like Arnie just before he shoots his quailtards. “Ya feelin’ lucky, punk?” “Arrivederci, birdie!” “Well, looka what we got here. I nest of little liberals!”
The hookers probably praise his studliness afterwards, too. If he lets them talk.
Dr. Mike is soooo full of SHIT. And he knows the liberal was a white guy? Through a phone call? Dr. Mike is an full of shit and an asshole.
Tsk tsk Dr. Mike. Doesn’t he know that pedophiles go after little girls BECAUSE they’re little girls, dressed like little girls? He’s setting up his daughters to be raped when he makes them wear ankle socks and Mary Janes and Peter Pan collars on their demure little blouses. I mean, if we are to follow his line of reasoning that it’s the clothes that makes little girls (or little boys for that matter) targets of predators.
I don’t have the stomach to address the rest of his twaddle. Gak.
For a guy who’s awfully proud of his gun collection and all-around studliness, it sure seems like Mikey’s Thrilling Tales ‘n’ Parables involve dodging men, confronting women, and humiliating children.
I used to know a guy who made up the most elaborate stories. Later I found out from him that he was schizophrenic and he sometimes finds it difficult to distiguish between what really happened and what he imagined. Reading Adams’ stories reminded me of that guy and his stories.
Bill S: No. Apparently not. In fact, he seems to get better at it with practice.
This is one tough motherfucker. Remember the time he ALMOST went after someone who insulted his wife?
I noticed they were both wearing cutoff “Daisy Duke” style short and halter tops.
Is it just me, or does Dr. Professor Mike seem to spend an awful lot of time checking out little girls and what they’re wearing?
…and when he’s NOT doing that, he’s obssessing over what gay men do in bed. So you can see he’s extremely confused.
Dr. Mike: Poster child for euthanasia by popular vote.
I’m still wondering what a “jam box” is, as Mike mentioned in his second thrilling tale. Does it only play the rap music (which causes the brain damage), or is it indeed filled with delicious, delicious jam?
It is astonishing to me that Mike does not see how sick and twisted he really is. Even the most psychotic people are vaguely aware that they aren’t right in the head.
I have met two pathological liars in my life. Both would constantly inflate their prowess and achievments without any substantiation. Being around them was an experience in the surreal. You could not even shame them by calling them on their bullshit. With “Dr.” Mike (M)adams I have found a third. I believe all these characters he “interacts” with are fictional.
Some wingnuts are just more entertaining than others and, frankly, I’ve always skimmed Herr Professor Dr. Mike “Doctor Mike” Adams, Ph.D., at most See, with his pal Pastor Doug you at least know that when he comes up with one of his howlers he’s immensely pround of the accomplishment. He’s like the kid with the Coke bottle glasses no one wants on his team and who gets to bat only because the rules say he has to. And when he finally manages to hit the ball off the Tee–and then has no idea what direction to run–you have to give him an “Attaboy” for the hell of it. (Of course, “Attaboy” in this instance is a “Doug, you’re a heavily moussed faker with a serious small penis complex, and you don’t seem to realize it’s obvious with every word you say. Keep it up!”)

Doctor Doctor Mike, on the other hand, is just a loathsome bridge troll, ugly and miserly of spirit. He’s a psychopath pretending to pretend to be a milder psychopath. Those aren’t tells; Dr. Dr. Mike wants you to know he’s lying. He wants everybody who can understand in on the joke, because then he knows everybody’s staring at him and he can show them he doesn’t care!
Look at his cv, fer chrissakes: associate’s degreee from San Jacinto College, BA and masters from Mississippi State (Motto: Our Degrees Are Now Recognized In Alabama!), all in Applied Time Wasting psychology, doctorate in criminology, chair in criminology at a community college where he spends his time arguing with student groups and conducting strategy sessions with the Young Republicans’ Magnifying Glass Club out at the big anthill every sunny afternoon. Anything, I suppose, to avoid going home while the wife is awake. It possitively screams “If I’d caught a few breaks I could have been Jeffrey Dahmer”, don’t it?
Me? I prefer the Zappa-ism “plook” under these circumstances.
Oh Gawd, Dr. Mikey (aka The Iron Sausage)is one fucked up hombré. I don’t even know where to start.
This is what really happens with ‘terrorist cell phones’.
Doghouse, this sort of thing makes the whole blog-stalker thing worthwhile.
If a punk 6-year-old kid with long hair sets foot on your grass to retrieve his ball, threaten to blow his head off.

You know, I had an uncle who tried that. I think the kid was ten, though. They called out a SWAT team, and he got his picture in the paper. Are ya listening, Dr Mike? You seem to require the attention that only a full-scale seventeen hour standoff with the cops can bring you.
I think that Dr. Perfesser Mike needs to be tied to a chair and forced to watch an endless clip of “The Serpent and the Rainbow” where Bill Pullman has his nutsack knife-pinned to a chair. Forever.
Oh, and Dr. Mike’s “thrilling” story about the “punk” kid fake-sneezing on the 35 year-old was really, well, stupid. the kid got away, esentially scott-free. Is that the lesson he wants the Israelis (the 35 year-old) to take away from the story? That the long-haired punk kid (Hezbollah) gets away with it, aside from some loud, harshly worded scolding? Isn’t that what usually happens in the Middle East? Obviously, what the 35 year-old should have done was whip out his .45 and blow the kid’s brains out, right there in front of God and everyone. That would have showed him that there’s consequenses for fake-sneezing!
“Anyway, the conclusion of the column explains how that poster of the two gay men engaged in sodomy grew up to become … Richard Nixon. Now you know the REST of the story.”
Ah, I see we’ve been watching the same NewsRadio reruns. Thanks, Nick at Night!
Ah, I see we’ve been watching the same NewsRadio reruns. Thanks, Nick at Night!
Yes indeedy. I hope they run another News Radio marathon soon — I am jonsing for the episode featuring Bill doing the promos for Soylent Green.
I wanted to know how far those two little girls – the ones dancing like hookers – were from the nearest convicted pedophile. The answer: about 500 yards.,/i>
How far away does Mike live from those sexy kindergardeners?
A couple of seasons of NewsRadio are out on DVD already. They’re dragging it out, though.
I remember when they announced NewsRadio Seasons 1 and 2 and then the release was delayed by, what… A year and a half? Kinda annoying. So,what will happen first, another NewsRadio set or Twin Peaks Season 2 (which is allegedly coming this fall, but that’s been said before)?
Dr. Mike’s address is readily available? Sounds like someone needs to be signed up for multiple subscriptions to Latin Inches and Logjammin’.
Great post, the Richard Nixon line and Mad Libs ad libs had me laughing out loud.
I could also imagine playing Texas Hold ‘Em with Dr. Mike:
ME: I bet $5
DR. M: I’m all in — $11,000
ME: Wow, okay…well, I have to call, I’ve got pocket kings. What do you have.
DR. M: 7-2 off suit…but how could you call? I was b-b-bluffing. You should have…
ME: You owe me 11Gs, Dr. M.
DR. M: Sure…let me give you the address to my house…
ME: That’s what I expected. (signals bodyguards) Moose, Rocco, help the doctor find his wallet.
My take-home lesson from Dr. Mike is that Merle Haggard is a horse’s ass.
Thanks Dr. Mike!
If he were smarter he’d be embarrassed at just how clearly he exposes himself, but I have to admit I love how after setting “the private investigators” on the trail of a scary woman who lives across the country from him(she has a phone and she’s not afraid to use it!), he threatened her via voice mail. It’s the yellow icing on the whole nutty coward-cake.
I look forward to the day when I can watch “Dr” Mike on “World’s Most Exciting Police Videos” or “Cops.” I can just hear the host “So this pervy perp gets to attend a new college, The Bighouse U!”
Someone should tell Prof. Dr. Mike Dr. S. Adams Ph.D. that Haggard supported the Dixie Chicks during their Bush-bashing stage and therefore, he’s objectively pro-terrorism.
Or pro-free speech. So hard to tell these days.
“Haggard supported the Dixie Chicks during their Bush-bashing stage and therefore, he’s objectively pro-terrorism. Or pro-free speech. So hard to tell these days. ”
Wasn’t it Voltaire who said,
“I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. ”
Therefore to be pro- free speech is to also to be pro-Voltaire, which by extension pro-French. Which means anti-Iraq War and pro-peace accord, which actually means anti-lasting peace which means you’re really pro-war?
My head hurts now.
It turns out Dr. PhD and I went to the same high school in Texas. I only regret that I didn’t know him then, and kick his ass. A real shame, that.

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