The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, (2006 to 2010).

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Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Alien Vs Culture Warrior: This Time It's Personal!

Bill O’Reilly tells his fans about his new book:
A Special Message from Bill on Culture Warrior
In just a few weeks, my fourth non-fiction adult book will be released. As you might know, it’s called Culture Warrior and it chronicles the intense war between my side (traditionalists) and the secular-progressive corps. […]
The media is firmly in the S-P camp and it will be very interesting to see how vehemently this book is attacked. It’s already started in Vanity Fair magazine and in Publisher’s Weekly (whose publisher, by the way, is a major donor to S-P political figures).
Yes, when the Publisher’s Weekly reviewer stated that in this book, Bill’s “populist swagger subsides into kvetching,” and then cited examples of kvetching from the text, he was just doing it because his publisher donates to S-P political causes. That’s how book-reviewing works.
Of course, we will keep score on who is fair and who is unfair concerning the book. I expect to be greatly amused.
No, Bill, you expect to be greatly offended and outraged at any coverage that is less than flattering, and your face will get all red and blotchy, and your blood pressure will rise, and you’ll probably yell “shut up, shut up!” at the unfortunate aide who brings you the Google searches you requested.

You know, Bill, a secure person wouldn’t feel this need to “keep score.” Have you considered getting some therapy?
Also, if you see any cheap shots directed at us—please inform us via the message boards. We always value your input.
Bill, it’s not healthy for your fans to enable you, so you should stop asking them to. You just need to realize that not everyone in the world will like your book, and it’s okay — because it just means that you’re a petty, loudmouthed, close-minded, bigoted, pompous jerk who’s not very bright.

(BTW, I’d report myself for this cheap shot, except that only Bill O’Reilly Premium Members can use the message boards.)
Finally, let me know what you think of “Culture Warrior” and I’ll read some of the letters on the air. This book could very well change the direction of the country. In fact, I can almost guarantee it will.
“Change the direction of the country.”  Um, okay. Whatever you say, Bill.

Oh, and Bill’s site is also offering a “Culture Warrior Test” — If you have nothing better to do, you might want to take it:
Are you a “Culture Warrior,” or are you in the secular-progressive (S-P) camp? Take our short test to find out.
1.  Do you believe in “income redistribution”–that is, the government taxing affluent Americans at a higher proportional rate in order to fund entitlements to the less well off?
   Yes   No
2.  Do you believe that the USA, in general, is harmful to the world?
   Yes   No
3.  Do you believe that homo nups should be mandatory for all Americans, even dead ones?
   Yes   No
4.  If we had captured an al Qaeda member who knew about a plot to nuke New York City, and we had only one hour to get the information from him before the bomb went off, would you want the authorities to torture him in order to save the lives of millions? Okay, what if instead of plotting to nuke NYC, it was a plan to trash Bill’s book? And what if the bad guy wasn’t a member of al Qaeda, he was a member of Media Matters? Wouldn’t you want the terro-journalist to be tortured until he confessed that he was actually in the pay of George Soros, named the names of his fellow conspirators, and swore undying loyalty to Bill O’Reilly?
   Yes   No
5.  Do you believe it should be a capital crime to accuse somebody of not being born in Levittown, when they really were born there, depending on how you define “Levittown”?
   Yes   No
6.  Are you against states legally mandating that underage girls not be allowed to look slutty in public unless it’s sweeps week?
   Yes   No
7.  Do you believe that the War on Christmas is not only the most profound spiritual issue facing this nation, but also the most important security issue of all time?
Yes   No
8.  In your opinion, is the ACLU, the most evil organization EVER, using a secret satellite to beam microwave transmissions into the brains of the public, in an effort to make them believe that it’s legal to have a separation of church and state?
Yes   No
9.   Do you you believe that Mel Gibson was unfairly maligned for saying that the Jews were responsible for starting all the wars, because all the facts aren’t in yet about just who did start all the wars?
Yes   No
10.  In these perilous times, when terrorists are trying to kill us just because they hate our freedom, and illegal immigrants are plotting to steal our very way of life, don’t you think it’s time we set up some kind of a secret police force in order to monitor those amongst us who might be working to destroy us by saying bad things about Bill’s new book? If so, would you be willing to inform on these traitors in your community, neighborhood, or family, if you came across any?
Yes   No
So, how did you do? Are you on Bill’s side, or are you one of those America-hating, anti-god, child-molesting, puppy-killing S-Ps?

In any case, be sure to watch for Bill, who will be flogging his new book on “Leno, 20/20, Good Morning America, The Today Show, The View, The CBS Morning News, maybe Letterman.” And if you happen to be an S-P technical guy for one of those shows, I’ll pay you $10 if you’ll cut Bill’s mic

31 Responses to “Alien Vs Culture Warrior: This Time It’s Personal!”

Geez, 5 whole quetions to see if I’m a Culture Warrior. That’s a bit excessive, ain’t it Bill? You can just ask if I’m a liberal and get it over with.
I like what you added to the questions. Man, O’Riley is such a douche.
Jim King 67%, Randall Terry 33%.
I liked that after taking the quiz, even though I apparently fail to measure up to the O’Reilly scale of correct-thinking American, I am magnanimously allowed to pre-order the book despite the treasonous idiocy of my convictions.
Hey, I got 100! Do I get hummus?
I’m disappointed. When I saw that Bill had written a “non-fiction adult book” I thought it would be the transcripts of all the dirty phone calls he made to women who work for him.
Man. Bill, you don’t get to create a stupid phrase like “S-P” and then start flinging it around as though, you know, anybody, knows what the fuck it means. Even your *fans* don’t know what the fuck it means, mostly because they haven’t read your books, not being able to read.
Self-conscious catchphrase production. Is there anything lamer?
Anyway, Bill-O should be grateful to get this much of your wit and attention. But he won’t be, because he’s a dumbass.
Question about #3 — what are “homo nups”?
I must not be up on the lingo traditionalists use nowadays.
I couldn’t get the quiz page to load. My browser just sat there and spun its wheels. I can hardly blam it for its refusal to go considering the destination, but I suspect that O’Reilly’s goons got wind of incoming liberals and rither yanked the quiz or else changed the path to it (put it in another directory). Either that, or I was supposed to have “cookies” turned on, and I won’t for O’Reilly.
Homo nups is both a phrase coined by Pastor Swank meaning same-sex marriage, and a great tasting snack! They’re so good, you’ll be on the slippery slope to polygamy!
I said it last time and I’ll say it again: clinical narcissism. If there’s a better candidate for NPD, I don’t know who it is.
Marq, it’s just as well, since O’Reilly makes you wanna toss your cookies. :)
I dunno about the christiangallery guys, and I’m not clicking over to find out. But I know the Army of God assholes are anti-abortion and tied into the white supremacists and christian identity people. So I would guess they want to kill Tiger Woods because he’s biracial.
Great. So now the christopathic white power fuckwits are using other names and having dumbass conversations in the comments here. Shouldn’t they be back in class at Skinhead Elementary at this time of year?
They probably got lost on the way. It can suck when your mommy doesn’t pin the directions to your sweater.
Incidentally, why is it Bill-O likes to make up statistics saying we’re a Christian nation when explaining that only crazy people are offended by “Merry Christmas” and *not* offended by “Happy Holidays”, but he gets a book contract and all of a sudden it’s On, no! The heathens are everywhere!
Well, no, okay, I understand why. It’s probably also why the bigots are drawn to blogs that make fun of Bill. They may not know how to behave in public, but they know who their pals are.
How are you, anyway, Thorlac? Seems like it’s been a while since I’ve seen you hanging out here. You still have a blog?
I’ve been lurking the whole time. I just rarely have anything to add that is as funny or insightful as what’s already been posted. That’s also why I’ve never had a blog of my own; it’s being said better elsewhere. Besides, it seems these days that bloggers spend too much of their time patrolling comments because of some mindfucked asshole like Ishmael/Nephi/other sockpuppets.
We live in a supposedly ‘Civilized’ society which ironically allows for children to be butchered in their mothers wombs.If that’s secular progression, feel free to drop me off back in 1459.
They had abortion back then, too. Try going back to before sex. Hell, just go!
Actually, Reed Elsevier (PW’s parent company) is not only a massive corporate conglomerate, but also has a subdivision which runs arms trade shows.
In other words, about as far as you could get from a supporter of S-P causes — though I’m sure they donate heavily to politicians of all stripes.
This latest infection of the comments section is the result of a common tactic by fringe groups: they comb the internet, searching for forums where they can post their garbage without fear of being screened or edited. Any forum will do–I’ve encountered them on UAW newsletters, bulletin boards for homeopathy enthusiasts and websites for Catholic liturgy professionals. Any backlash they get is irrelevant–the point is to get their vile crap out.
I know….I know I shouldn’t feed the trolls but:
Hey Mickey
Why don’t you head over to Little Green Footballs. At least there you’d be among friends. Bet they could give you a lot of suggestion on who to add to your assassination list.
Aw, we had a troll again and I missed him ’cause I had to go to work! Was he the same one we had before, or a new fuckwit?
Bill S, I think it might be just one little troll but, who knows? I suppose they might work in teams. Shades of junior high. I hope your sister is okay.
o/~ My nups, my nups, my nups, my nups, my nups,
My nups, my nups, my nups, my lovely homo nups (Check it out) o/~
I don’t get the title of the piece–”Alien Vs Culture Warrior”? I’m picturing the opening scene of some sci-fi sequel in which Sigourney Weaver is writhing in restraints on a futuristic operating table, as the doctors helplessly watch–some horrible thing is ripping loose from her abdomen–a round glob covered in blood emerges–the gore drains away–and there for all to see is the head of Bill O’Reilly, screaming, “Wal Mart is trying to destroy Christmas!”
Sigourney Weaver is writhing in restraints on a futuristic operating table
I just rarely have anything to add that is as funny or insightful as what’s already been posted.
Aw, hell, dood. I never let that stop me!
Me either.
Now I just have to figure out whose blog I was reading that I never recovered the bookmark for. Could’ve sworn it was Thorlac.
From the moment I picked this book up, until the moment I put it down, I couldn’t stop laughing. One day I hope to read it. (Apologies to Groucho Marx)
Closest I’ve come to blogging was asking Doghouse Riley why he wasn’t doing one, which he quickly corrected. And the world is better for it. Also gives me another place to lurk. But I’ll try to take Marq’s attitude and shout out anyway from now on.
Um… none of his questions really say anything about secularism.
I mean, Christianity, and its brothers Islam and Judaism do say things about homo nups, but lots of other religions don’t say jack about them.
Same with abortion.
Bill’s got it right. Great book !

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