The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, (2006 to 2010).

Current posts can be found here.

Monday, January 31, 2011

Yet Again, Who Said It?

Yes, it’s time for another exciting episode of “Who Said It?” the game show where you pretend to know who said or wrote something stupid, and I pretend to give you prizes.So, let’s get to work.1.  We haven’t paid much attention lately to our first Mystery Guest, but apparently she’s out of detox and is still alive and writing. Who would have guessed?
I note here what is to me a mystery. It is that people with lower IQs somehow tend, in our age, to have a greater apprehension of the meaning of things and the reality of life, than do our high-IQ professionals, who often seem, in areas outside their immediate field, startlingly dim. I don’t know why intellectuals–or cerebralists or eggheads or IQ hegemonists–seem to miss the most obvious things, floating on untethered by common sense. If you talk to a brilliant scholar at a fine university about social policy, chances are he will say with honest perplexity that he cannot understand–really cannot understand–why people would not want men to marry men, or women women. I wish there were a name for this, for the cluelessness of the more intellectually accomplished, the simpler but truer wisdom of those who are often less lettered and less accomplished.
To paraphrase: Retards with spades are smarter than intellectuals are, because the retards understand why gay marriage is so gosh-darned evil, while the smart people don’t.

2. Our next Mystery Guest is best known for his work as a phone-sex operator, but he is also a prominent wingnut whose column just got picked up by Townhall (which is a proud moment in any middle-aged billionaire’s life).
Here’s the first paragraph of this week’s piece:
While millions of Americans are enjoying the summer, taking nice trips and relaxing on the sand, the leaders of Hezbollah are also enjoying the season. From their sanctuary in Iran, the terrorists have announced that they are armed and ready for World War III. Taking a cue from President Bush, the killers are gleefully trotting out the taunt: “Bring it on!”
So, there you have it: Hezbollah takes its murderous cues from George Bush.

But that’s not what this column is really about. No, it’s actually about how during this time of war, we all need to agree that the Bush administration can do no wrong.  Because to do otherwise is to give cues to Hezbollah (and that’s George Bush’s job).
Instead of presenting a united front to the world, the USA is bickering over the “rights” of captured terror suspects, war strategy in Iraq, and whether it’s bad for newspapers to alert terrorists about top-secret investigations designed to stop them from murdering people.
The sad truth is that apathetic and misguided Americans are actually helping the fanatical Iranian leaders as well as the terror killers themselves. Every political division in this country is cheered on by our enemies.
So, unite behind the Republican leadership, or be jailed in perpetuity as a supporter of terrorism!

3.  Mystery Guest Number Three won a trip to the Middle East in a writing contest. But he survived, and is still writing. (Best laid plans, and all, you know.)
I don’t think the rest of Christendom is as much aware of the homosexual infiltration of the Mennonites as it is aware of the Episcopal diabolical, for example. However, it would be wise to take stock of the infiltration in many locales religious, including not only the Episcopal Church in America but also the United Church of Christ (Congregational), Presbyterian Church of America and the Evangelical Lutheran Church of America (the term “evangelical” no longer having its biblical meaning in the title of that denomination).
In short, the homosexual religious actors have continued their inroads in what appears to those concerned about End Times theology as a takeover of the Christian Church.
And I wasn’t even aware of the Episcopal diabolical, which shows you how weak my End Times homosexual-infiltration theology is!

4.  And those damned homosexual religious actors had better just stay away from our next Mystery Guest’s church, or Dirty Harry just might plug them full of lead (which isn’t as suggestive as it sounds).

Anyway, MG#4 is going to teach us about the sin of anger, which isn’t actually a sin in many cases, since God WANTS you to get pissed off when “something is evil, goofy, unjust, uncalled for and blatantly bogus.” (But if I got angry at everything that was goofy, bogus, and uncalled for, I’d never be able to read Townhall without my blood pressure going through the roof.  Do you think God will be okay with that?)

But back to MG#4: it’s also okay for his hot wife to get mad at him for going hunting with his manly buddies for months at a time.  But it’s not okay for her to shoot him — I think that’s the lesson we all learned from Brokeback Mountain.
    Heating up is not always evil and deadly.      For example: my wife’s Italian. She’s very passionate. She feels deeply about everything. If she sees a starving orphan from Africa on TV, she’s flying off to Namibia with a case of granola bars in tow to try to feed and then adopt the baby. On the other hand, when I repeatedly pee on the toilet seat, go hunting for 22 weeks out of the year, smoke a cigar in her closet, leave dead bait in her SUV, or say the wrong thing while she’s trying on a dress—God help me! I had better run for my life, because the same passion she shows in saving a kid will manifest in attempting to sever my head (You’ve gotta love Italian women!). The cool thing about my hot wife is that these deep feelings don’t bring on disasters. Her justifiable anger at my antics does not end in my destruction.
Well, at least not so far. But just wait until she completes that course in head severing at the Learning Annex!
5.  This Mystery Guest is somebody whom you just don’t hear much about anymore. But we want to help her raise her profile, so here’s part of a minor Woman’s Wear Daily item about her.
[After the NY Times received an envelope containing a suspicious powder,] Memo Pad went and asked her [if she felt at all responsible when lunatics try to kill the paper’s employees], sending an e-mail to her AOL account. And guess what? She not only responded, but claimed to be the sender of the mysterious powder.
“So glad to hear that The New York Times got my letter and that your friend at the Times thinks I’m funny,” she wrote back.
But remember, kids, that making terrorist threats, even in jest, is a crime. So if YOU do it, you could be in big trouble.

6.   And you know what we really need in this time of war? More chickenhawk bloggers! So, enjoy part of a really exciting press release entitled “Blogger Media at the Forefront of the Middle East Coverage War.”
[Mystery Blogger Consortium] has been offering round-the-clock battlefield reporting in tandem with the most thoughtful commentary from the global blogosphere and traditional sources. … A literal living chronology of the ongoing Israel-Hezbollah War has been created and made available on the [MBC] front page.
“This chronology’s intention is to give the public moment-to-moment access to the vicissitudes of the war and ultimately to provide historians with a record of the evolving struggle,” says [CEO Mystery Wingnut].
Sure, you might think you know the name of this blogger collective (unless changed it again, possibly to something even stupider, such as “Long Underwear Media.  But stop and think: Didn’t they go under several months ago?
But hey, you might be right about the identity of their self-important CEO. He is a well-known author and screenwriter, after all.

7.  Our next Mystery Guest will enlighten us on the shocking truth of who is behind the push for embryonic stem cell research: yes, once again, the evil-doers are the pro-abortion crowd! (It makes perfect sense, since we get all our research embryos from abortions, don’t you know.)

He will also address the fraud which we call science.  (To paraphrase Homer Simpson, “Science, don’t you ever get tired of being wrong about everything?”)
I’m telling you, and I have from the get-go, who is behind this — is the — the militant pro-abortion crowd, because you need abortions to get these.
I think we need to re-examine this whole term “scientist.” You know, there are certain things in our culture that are never questioned. They have instant credibility. If a scientist says anything, [gasp] it’s gotta be true. . . .It is why global warming has become a scientific thing, because nobody can question science. Why, scientists, smarter than everybody else. And science is science. Science is not politics — well, it’s absolutely BS. Science is all about politics, and science has been so wrong about so many things.
And although, as everyone knows, the embryos used in stem cell research are actually the surplus products of fertility treatments, it’s science that’s wrong about so many things.

Now, everyone repeat with me, “Why, scientists, smarter than everybody else.”

8.  And speaking of pinpoint sized, 5-day-old blastocysts, our last Mystery Guest will claim that they are just as valuable as the Snowflake children. And vice versa.
Each of these human embryos is a unique human life with inherent dignity and matchless value. We see that value in the children who are with us today. Each of these children began his or her life as a frozen embryo that was created for in vitro fertilization, but remained unused after the fertility treatments were complete. Each of these children was adopted while still an embryo, and has been blessed with the chance to grow up in a loving family.
These boys and girls are not spare parts.
But they could be, if John Stossel has his way!

(Oh, and what do you make of the fact that Mystery Guest #7 doesn’t seem to pay any attention to the words of MG #8?)

Anyway, those are our Mystery Guests for today. So, open your test books and start guessing who they are . . .NOW!

34 Responses to “YET AGAIN, WHO SAID IT?”

Aw, man, I suck at this. And I don’t know if I’m in a bad mood, but this festering pile of idiocy just completely pissed me off. Let’s see how well I do:
1.Meghan Cox Gurdon. I guess, probably. I love how the example she picks is one where there legitimately IS no reason for lower class people to feel that way.
Other things that “salt of the earth” (Hey, there’s a name for ‘em. Forrest fucing Gump is another one) know are good that the autistic nitwits that make-up the so-called “intelligentsia” think are bad:
Klan Rallies, Alchoholism, Meth Labs, pig-fucking, and Ted Nugent.
When will the liberal elite listen to the real smarties?
2. Billionaire Jeff Ganon. The juries out on whether it was the intellectual or the bodily prostitution that got him the most benjamins. Or maybe it was when he stole the Triforce.
It’s impossible to say, really.
3. Christian Hartsock. Apparently while he was in the east he studied under the controversial Swami Swank, learning the man’s mystical language and arcane belief system.

Part of the training involves cutting yourself off from all outside influences. Not during fasting or anything; all the time.
4. Doug Giles. At least you gave us one softball. I’d wonder if Giles was a parody, but he’s not really that funny. He’s more like an escaped Saturday Night Live character. Martin Short IS the Metrosexual Outdoorsman!
5. Probably Not Ann Coulter. I mean, it sounds like her, but we’ve been hearing WAY too much about the professional Zorak impersonator lately. Could be one of the Debbies, or Malkin.
Just give me the point if it’s any of those, how’s that sound?
6. Dr. Victor Frankenstein. The tip-off was this:
“… A literal living chronology of the ongoing Israel-Hezbollah War has been created…”
That’s right, this chronicle is literally a lving being. Apparently Dr. Frankenstein is spending his spare time tatooing the monster with a pictoral history of the middle east.
This will only end in tears.
7.Some Piece of Shit With a Radio Show, which makes it either Savage, Hannity, or Limbaugh. Given that he has some relationship with No. 8, this makes him either Hannity or Limbaugh.
There’s no way Alan Colmes is forceful enough to make declarations like “These are not spare parts”, plus, we pretty much already know all there is to know about the relationship between Hannity and Colmes (At least until the sex tapes come to light).
Therefore, No. 8 is incompetant douchebag Rush Limbaugh. Is it too much to ask that one of the most popular and influential talk radio hosts in the country actually know a small amount about what he spouts off on?
It’s high time somebody fired his ass for gross incompetence.
8. David Limbaugh, the Bud Abbott to Rush’s Lou Costello.
Okay okay, the Shemp to Rush’s Joe Besser.
Well Christopher beat me to #5, which is Dougie “I act like a moronic slob to prove I’m a real man, to a degree that it seems like I’m overcompensating for something” Giles. Can’t get #3, #6, #7, and #8.
But #1 is Crazy Dolphin Lady, AKA Peggy Noonan, #2 is Creepy Old Man, AKA Bill O’Reilley, aND #5

#5 is Karen Black’s Understudy for the Stage Musical Version of “Airport ’75″, AKA Annie Jacobson.
Oh, and I’m going guess #3 is Pastor Swank, though it doesn’t sound quite “Swanky” enough, in that it’s not completely incoherent.
Sorry to post yet another comment (I feel like I’m hijacking this thread), but I just want to think Mystery Guest #1 for admitting what I was certain to be true: that intellegent people can’t find a reason to bar gays from marriage, but stupid people think it makes perfect sense.
#8 – Our Commander-in-Chimp, George W. Bush.
“thank”, not “think” in #5 above. Damn typos.
Okay. #1 is Our Lady of the Dolphins, wacky Peggy Noonan. We don’t see her around much because she’s too worried about global warming and whether a Protestant like Ronald Reagan could be canonized a saint by the Roman Catholic Church.
#2 is Bill O’Reilly, fun-loving sexual predator and, in his own opinion, one of the smartest men on the planet. I await his attack on Noonan for her glorification of stupidity.
#3 is Grant Swank, ever vigilant in his fight against religious homosexuals. He knows they’re godless, so why don’t they?
Doug Giles, the perennial favorite who checks in at #4, knows that sometimes when you heat up, it’s just because you’re so darned sexy. In a manly heterosexual way, of course, despite the purple silk shirt.
#5 is the self-proclaimed beauty and brilliant political analyst Ann Coulter, the woman for whom “cock-throppled” was undoubtedly coined.
#6 is Roger el Simon, but, frankly, who cares what Simon says?
#7 is the drug-addled Rush Limbaugh, who doesn’t realize that stem cell research may hold the key to curing Oxycontin addiction and providing new weapons in the great war on erectile dysfunction.
#8 is George W. Bush, Dick Cheney’s second-in-command.
#1 is Nooners. “Retards with spades” gave it away.
#7 is Rush, I think…
1. That guy in “Flowers for Algernon,” using the spade to bury his poor mouse after the operation to make him a genius wears off.
2. Dick Cheney, still pretending that people take cues from his ventriloquist dummy Dubya.
3. Peter LaBarbera, making plans to infiltrate those naughty homosexual churches in his leather chaps.
4. Homer Simpson. Marge (maiden name: Bouvierra) is still mad about his hunting trip, which was supposed to be for the weekend, but he got lost for 22 weeks until he stumbled into the trap she had Lisa set to catch him, but Bart had tampered with it and Homer just escaped being decapitated.
5. Rev. Sun Myung Moon, still miffed that his newspaper don’t get no respect.
6. The courageous Annie Jacobsen, now at Girdle Media. Or possibly JimmyJeff GannonGuckert, thrilling to the, uh, rocket’s red glare.
7. Pat Robertson, who has rendered several fields of science obsolete. Just look at his accomplishments in meteorology: “Hurricanes due to hit sodomites any second! Hey, what’s that headed my way?”
8. Thomas Sowell – he meant to say they are “now” spare parts.
I would think #6 is the famous mexican wrestler Rigoberto “El Simon” Simon, the screenwriter of that last Jack Black movie – possibly an autobiography.
Ahhh… #5 is the Mandible making yet another joke about killing people. Crème Brule anyone?
And #8 is that Senator Brokeback…uh I mean Brownback…

This is such great practice for Ultimate Wingnut. Number 1 is the Bertha Rochester of the Right – Nooners. Number 2 is big Bad Bill – phone sex-operator . 3 could be any fundy nut job, but I’m going with the Swankster – while Bill S. is right and it at first appears that Swank has been taking a course in remedial writing this summer, the simple phrase ” homosexual infiltration of the Mennonites” is just so insane as to be, if not written directly by Swank, then Swank’s inspired word. Four is Doug Giles. Five has got to be Annie Get Your Gun Coulter. I have no idea about 6 and 7, but for 7 I’ve decided to go with Sam Brownback And His Talking Embryos. And 8 is Beloved Leader or Mrs. Beloved Leader, either of whom could just as easily have said 7 – or any of the others for that matter.
Damn you! I actually knew most of those! I don’t see why we always have to play Who Let It Dribble Out Their Ears on days when I actually sleep.
I can’t even decide who I think should get style points, because I loved them all.
I’m just going to quietly slip over to Doghouse’s place. He’s got a lower cover charge.
For the record, Doug? Should a guy who “repeatedly pees on the toilet seat” be trusted with guns? Someone needs to practice his aim before being handed live ammo.
(And why do I think Mr Giles assumes that being instructed to put the seat down is part of the oppressive feminist conspiracy? Despite the fact that he freely admits he leaves the toilet a gross-looking mess. Doug, put the damned lid down, too. We haven’t got time to go clean the fucking thing every time you use it.)
well, it looks like all my choices have already been named, so I’ll just see if I can get some style points since it’s my birthday and so maybe I’ll get a comdemnation prize of a pic of the coultergeist
1)Nooners- she better be careful or the dolphins will get her for her slights on intelligence
2)Falafel Bill- I hope ClownHall used tweezers when picking him up, no telling where he’s been.
3)Christian Hartsock- some friends of mine come up with innovative and confusing insults, like “Ass Can,” “Cunt Boat” and “Dick Shoes.” I’ll have to spring “Hart Sock” on them sometime
4)Pastor Doug of Our Lady of the 11 o’clock Checkout Time. smoke a cigar in her closet yeah, he’s gay (as if we needed any more clues)
5)Adam’sAppleAnnie- let’s hope she left fingerprints and the Times brings charges
6)themanwhocreatedmoseswhine- I think he’s got bugs crawling all over him from the overdose, hence the confusion of literal with figurative
7)Rush (fka BlowHard) Limbaugh- after realising he had been taken in by the Costa Rican “you gotta get the girl pregnant so we can the abort the fetus to provide you with stem cells to grow a new liver, kidneys etc” scammers
8)the Fratboy in Chief- he’s been listening to Moustache Boy Stossel and thinks he’ll just get Carlyle Group to buy him a new liver on the black market

On second thought, #4 might be Dick Cheney. His hunting trips are probably rather upsetting to Lynn (among others).
When you consider that she thought Reagan’s organic brain dysfunction was a sign of zenlike deeper wisdom, 1 would pretty much have to be our girl Peg.
Five, of course, is everyone’s favorite blindined bogmummy Ann, who (clearly realizing that she has no skin left to pull up so she’s pretty much committed to her sell-by date at this point) is hoping that her fifteen minutes have a little more give left.
It always slays me how these little blastocysts are so full of potential, but it’s “collateral damage” if Iraqi babies get blown to smithereens, not to mention our own soldiers. I didn’t get the memo on what age we pass “full of potential” and hit “expendable.”
I’m just going to quietly slip over to Doghouse’s place. He’s got a lower cover charge.
Yeah, but D., our buffalo wingnuts are meatier and greasier, and our topless dancers aren’t Ann Coulter, so we’re actually the better value.
Actually, Doghouse has Peggy Noonan doing table dances this week. I don’t know if that’s a draw or not, really.
Happy Birthday, Preznit Giv Me Turkee. If that is your real name.
it is. and I have the pixelwork to prove it
So I got…maybe two out of 8 right. Hmmm. I didn’t read Mystery Guest #5 closely enough before I posted my answer, which is why it’s such a dumb guess. In fact, I now have no idea how I arrived at it. Especially since the correct answer was so obvious.
1.) is Peggy “Dances With Dolphins” Noonan, whose latest detox just *didn’t* take. When Peggy passes on, she won’t receive a fancy state funeral like her idol, Ronnie Raygun did. No, she’ll be unceremoniously dumped by the side of the highway, where, due to budget cuts, her corpse will spend months being gnawed on by coyotes before it’s scraped up.
2.) Bill O’Falaffel Reilly, who seems to think that if all America unites to hate those rotten Ay-rabs that it lead to cheap gas because of, um something or other. Good thinkin’, Billy-boy!
3.) J. Grant Swank, Jr., master of the mystic arts. His long sabbatical (to the Westboro Baptist Church) has finally paid off, and he knows who’s *really* behind everything bad–Doug Giles!
4.) And speaking of the “manly” Pastor Giles… Excuse me, smoking cigars in his wife’s closet?!? Somebody must be pleased when her lace teddy smells like an ashtray, but I bet it osn’t *her*. Maybe it makes Dougie feel more comfortable when he slips it on, who knows?
5.) mAnn-hands Coulter, patiently awaiting the arrival of the cops to arrest her for that fake NY Times “mAnnthrax” letter like Karen Black at the end of Trilogy Of Terror…*chock* *chock* *chock*.
6.) The Leader of “Mission Unpossible” hisself, Roger “L.” Simon. For those of you viewing at home, he’s the one with the cowboy hat, boots, and mustache played by Gerald McRaney, not the other one played by Chas Johnson Jameson Parker.
7.) Since I don’t really have a clue, I’m gonna guess what the smart people say and go with Rush Limbaugh, though if Nooners is right, this is a foolish course to pursue. If I am, in fact, incorrect, I blame the proprietress of this blog for not making the clue blindingly obvious enough. If I’m right, hooray for cheating!
8.) Chimpy McHitlerburton? Commander Coo-Coo Bananas? Dumbya? Incurious George? El Gringo Loco? The Littlest Preznit? Jeebus v2.0? Drunky McDrunkington? Shrubby Arbusto? Teh Cheerleader In Chief? Condi’s Husband? Spendy “It’s Only Credit” McDefecitington? I Spy (with my little NSA) Something Beginning With Dubya? Worst. Preznit. Evah? oh, yeah–It’s George W. Bush. Bleah!

My son’s IQ is close to 200.
He votes Green Party. How smart is he?

If Marq doesn’t get major style points for this one, I will declare the whole thing rigged and demand Jimmy Carter observe the next round of Who Said It.
[...] For example, S.Z. at World O’Crap recently shared a column from Pastor Grant, dated July 19, about the recent plot by the homosexuals to infiltrate the Mennonites (presumably because of the Mennonite flair for fashion). Grant’s jeremiad about Gaynnonites, starts like this: When visiting Mennonite friends in central Pennsylvania, they informed us of their grave concern. Because they are born again Christians, life-long Mennonites, they are alarmed at the enemy taking over the Mennonite congregations. [...]
is as much aware of the homosexual infiltration of the Mennonites
hell, I really woudn’t call it “infiltration.”
didn’t they have ads all over TV and even a Seinfeld episode where they keep going “Bi-Mennon?”

When are we getting the answers? I’m hoping my really stupid guess at least got style points (tho, as D. Sidhe noted, Marq’s answers were more deserving of those.)
I wish there were a name for this, for the cluelessness of the more intellectually accomplished, the simpler but truer wisdom of those who are often less lettered and less accomplished.
Anti-intellectualism. Or: Catonism
When are we getting the answers?
See #8.
(For proof, just Google a phrase from each excerpt. That’s cheating, though!)
Wait, other people have heard of google?
I didn’t get the memo on what age we pass “full of potential” and hit “expendable.”
It’s at birth.

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