I note here what is to me a mystery. It is that people with lower IQs somehow tend, in our age, to have a greater apprehension of the meaning of things and the reality of life, than do our high-IQ professionals, who often seem, in areas outside their immediate field, startlingly dim. I don’t know why intellectuals–or cerebralists or eggheads or IQ hegemonists–seem to miss the most obvious things, floating on untethered by common sense. If you talk to a brilliant scholar at a fine university about social policy, chances are he will say with honest perplexity that he cannot understand–really cannot understand–why people would not want men to marry men, or women women. I wish there were a name for this, for the cluelessness of the more intellectually accomplished, the simpler but truer wisdom of those who are often less lettered and less accomplished.To paraphrase: Retards with spades are smarter than intellectuals are, because the retards understand why gay marriage is so gosh-darned evil, while the smart people don’t.
2. Our next Mystery Guest is best known for his work as a phone-sex operator, but he is also a prominent wingnut whose column just got picked up by Townhall (which is a proud moment in any middle-aged billionaire’s life).
Here’s the first paragraph of this week’s piece:
While millions of Americans are enjoying the summer, taking nice trips and relaxing on the sand, the leaders of Hezbollah are also enjoying the season. From their sanctuary in Iran, the terrorists have announced that they are armed and ready for World War III. Taking a cue from President Bush, the killers are gleefully trotting out the taunt: “Bring it on!”So, there you have it: Hezbollah takes its murderous cues from George Bush.
But that’s not what this column is really about. No, it’s actually about how during this time of war, we all need to agree that the Bush administration can do no wrong. Because to do otherwise is to give cues to Hezbollah (and that’s George Bush’s job).
Instead of presenting a united front to the world, the USA is bickering over the “rights” of captured terror suspects, war strategy in Iraq, and whether it’s bad for newspapers to alert terrorists about top-secret investigations designed to stop them from murdering people.So, unite behind the Republican leadership, or be jailed in perpetuity as a supporter of terrorism!
The sad truth is that apathetic and misguided Americans are actually helping the fanatical Iranian leaders as well as the terror killers themselves. Every political division in this country is cheered on by our enemies.
3. Mystery Guest Number Three won a trip to the Middle East in a writing contest. But he survived, and is still writing. (Best laid plans, and all, you know.)
I don’t think the rest of Christendom is as much aware of the homosexual infiltration of the Mennonites as it is aware of the Episcopal diabolical, for example. However, it would be wise to take stock of the infiltration in many locales religious, including not only the Episcopal Church in America but also the United Church of Christ (Congregational), Presbyterian Church of America and the Evangelical Lutheran Church of America (the term “evangelical” no longer having its biblical meaning in the title of that denomination).And I wasn’t even aware of the Episcopal diabolical, which shows you how weak my End Times homosexual-infiltration theology is!
In short, the homosexual religious actors have continued their inroads in what appears to those concerned about End Times theology as a takeover of the Christian Church.
4. And those damned homosexual religious actors had better just stay away from our next Mystery Guest’s church, or Dirty Harry just might plug them full of lead (which isn’t as suggestive as it sounds).
Anyway, MG#4 is going to teach us about the sin of anger, which isn’t actually a sin in many cases, since God WANTS you to get pissed off when “something is evil, goofy, unjust, uncalled for and blatantly bogus.” (But if I got angry at everything that was goofy, bogus, and uncalled for, I’d never be able to read Townhall without my blood pressure going through the roof. Do you think God will be okay with that?)
But back to MG#4: it’s also okay for his hot wife to get mad at him for going hunting with his manly buddies for months at a time. But it’s not okay for her to shoot him — I think that’s the lesson we all learned from Brokeback Mountain.
- Heating up is not always evil and deadly. For example: my wife’s Italian. She’s very passionate. She feels deeply about everything. If she sees a starving orphan from Africa on TV, she’s flying off to Namibia with a case of granola bars in tow to try to feed and then adopt the baby.
On the other hand, when I repeatedly pee on the toilet seat, go hunting for 22 weeks out of the year, smoke a cigar in her closet, leave dead bait in her SUV, or say the wrong thing while she’s trying on a dress—God help me! I had better run for my life, because the same passion she shows in saving a kid will manifest in attempting to sever my head (You’ve gotta love Italian women!). The cool thing about my hot wife is that these deep feelings don’t bring on disasters. Her justifiable anger at my antics does not end in my destruction.
5. This Mystery Guest is somebody whom you just don’t hear much about anymore. But we want to help her raise her profile, so here’s part of a minor Woman’s Wear Daily item about her.
[After the NY Times received an envelope containing a suspicious powder,] Memo Pad went and asked her [if she felt at all responsible when lunatics try to kill the paper’s employees], sending an e-mail to her AOL account. And guess what? She not only responded, but claimed to be the sender of the mysterious powder.But remember, kids, that making terrorist threats, even in jest, is a crime. So if YOU do it, you could be in big trouble.
“So glad to hear that The New York Times got my letter and that your friend at the Times thinks I’m funny,” she wrote back.
6. And you know what we really need in this time of war? More chickenhawk bloggers! So, enjoy part of a really exciting press release entitled “Blogger Media at the Forefront of the Middle East Coverage War.”
[Mystery Blogger Consortium] has been offering round-the-clock battlefield reporting in tandem with the most thoughtful commentary from the global blogosphere and traditional sources. … A literal living chronology of the ongoing Israel-Hezbollah War has been created and made available on the [MBC] front page.
“This chronology’s intention is to give the public moment-to-moment access to the vicissitudes of the war and ultimately to provide historians with a record of the evolving struggle,” says [CEO Mystery Wingnut].
Sure, you might think you know the name of this blogger collective (unless changed it again, possibly to something even stupider, such as “Long Underwear Media. But stop and think: Didn’t they go under several months ago?
But hey, you might be right about the identity of their self-important CEO. He is a well-known author and screenwriter, after all.
7. Our next Mystery Guest will enlighten us on the shocking truth of who is behind the push for embryonic stem cell research: yes, once again, the evil-doers are the pro-abortion crowd! (It makes perfect sense, since we get all our research embryos from abortions, don’t you know.)
He will also address the fraud which we call science. (To paraphrase Homer Simpson, “Science, don’t you ever get tired of being wrong about everything?”)
I’m telling you, and I have from the get-go, who is behind this — is the — the militant pro-abortion crowd, because you need abortions to get these.And although, as everyone knows, the embryos used in stem cell research are actually the surplus products of fertility treatments, it’s science that’s wrong about so many things.
I think we need to re-examine this whole term “scientist.” You know, there are certain things in our culture that are never questioned. They have instant credibility. If a scientist says anything, [gasp] it’s gotta be true. . . .It is why global warming has become a scientific thing, because nobody can question science. Why, scientists, smarter than everybody else. And science is science. Science is not politics — well, it’s absolutely BS. Science is all about politics, and science has been so wrong about so many things.
Now, everyone repeat with me, “Why, scientists, smarter than everybody else.”
8. And speaking of pinpoint sized, 5-day-old blastocysts, our last Mystery Guest will claim that they are just as valuable as the Snowflake children. And vice versa.
Each of these human embryos is a unique human life with inherent dignity and matchless value. We see that value in the children who are with us today. Each of these children began his or her life as a frozen embryo that was created for in vitro fertilization, but remained unused after the fertility treatments were complete. Each of these children was adopted while still an embryo, and has been blessed with the chance to grow up in a loving family.But they could be, if John Stossel has his way!
These boys and girls are not spare parts.
(Oh, and what do you make of the fact that Mystery Guest #7 doesn’t seem to pay any attention to the words of MG #8?)
Anyway, those are our Mystery Guests for today. So, open your test books and start guessing who they are . . .NOW!
34 Responses to “YET AGAIN, WHO SAID IT?”I didn’t get the memo on what age we pass “full of potential” and hit “expendable.”
It’s at birth.