The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, (2006 to 2010).

Current posts can be found here.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Did You MIss Me?

Sorry about the lack of posting – here are my excuses:

1. The new files AOL added to my AOL software prevented me from being able to connect to the internet. (I guess they are seriously going foward with their plan to lose all their customers and go out of business.)

2. A marmot invaded my back yard, so I couldn’t let the animals out there until it decided to vacate the premises (it had sharp, pointy teeth and made a sound like a car alarm, but the dogs seemed eager to engage it in a death match). So, I had to walk Flossie and Yodie 20 times a day, which left me with little time for blogging.

3. I was sick.

4. The dogs ate my DVD player. (Okay, it was just the Flossie dog, and it was just the cables connecting the DVD player to the TV, and it has nothing to do with my ability to blog, but I always wanted to use the “dog ate” excuse.)

5. Lamont or Lieberman (I’m not sure which one) probably hacked my website, thus causing the lack of new content.

6. The two kittens I decided to keep, Bix and Kit (if you can think of an MST-related name for him, let me know — he’s the one who looks sorta Siamese) are so adorable now that little girls keep ringing my doorbell and wanting to hold them. And all this entertaining eats into my disgruntled loner/leftwing blogger time.

7. I was tired, as well as sick.

Anyway, that said, here’s the beginning to one of the many Newsmax emails I found in my inbox after I could get online:
President Bush Declared ‘Fit’, Health Secret Revealed
After a nearly four-hour physical exam, President Bush’s doctors on Tuesday pronounced him in good health and “fit for duty,” the White House said. Bush indicated he was happy about the results of his physical – except for the weight gain it showed.   Editor’s Note: President Bush takes just one miracle supplement a day. Find out about it . . .
Okay, your job is to reveal just which miracle supplement President Bush takes each day, and what it does for him.  Best answer wins an email from Ken Mehlman!

44 Responses to “Did You Miss Me?”

Last time I was on vacation, I had a really bad allergic reaction to a medication. After I was walking around again, one guy recommended this stuff called “Primal Defense” to me. Obviously, this is Bush’s miracle supplement, not only does it sound tough but it contains “Homeostatic™ Soil Organisms”. Yup, dirt bacteria.

Left by chris on August 8th, 2006

 I will forego the obvious supplement- coke- and be creative. He takes 5 grams of ground up aborted blastocysts. This explains why he is opposed to expanding stem cell research- he does not anyone to cut into his stash.

Left by justin on August 8th, 2006

err// last line should say- he does not want anyone to cut into his stash.

Left by justin on August 8th, 2006

I know the one we’d like him to take—lithium.

But Bush’s real miracle supplement is an anti-defecatory formula called Fuckitol—the more you take, the less likely you are to give a shit.

Left by R.Porrofatto on August 8th, 2006

Well, obviously, Bix should be called BigStupid and Kit should be called Danny (or the Prince of Lichtenstein, you decide)

Left by maryc on August 9th, 2006

Well for Kit I have to go with Manos (then you could discipline/shoo him with the “Hands of Fate”) but considering your felines apparent predilection for cloning themselves (that’s my explanation and I’m sticking to it) I’d go with something from “The Clonus Horror”.
For Dubya, well its complex during the Gannon era I’d have goen (only half-jokingly) with a hot beef injection, but now it has to be either some sort of sexual slur involving Condi, or daily imbidemtn of that Brownest of Brown Liqours: Bourbon, half a bottle of JD for the win (he wanted Makers Mark but Cheney kept stealing it).

Left by Socraticsilence on August 9th, 2006

(if you can think of an MST-related name for him, let me know — he’s the one who looks sorta Siamese)

Well, for a cat that’s sort of but not actually Asian, I suggest going with the MST character who fits the same description. Ex-Bond Girl Shirley Eaton as Oriental femme fatale Su-Maru from the KTMA ep, “The Million Eyes of Su-Maru.”

By the way, the reason I didn’t pick up the blogging slack was because I’ve been working on my Broadway musical adaptation, “Manos: The Jazz Hands of Fate.”

We’ve out with an offer to Betty Buckley to play either Margaret, or Torgo.

Left by scott on August 9th, 2006

He takes the blue pill. Duh.

Left by Slugicide on August 9th, 2006

Halcion. Look what it did for dad!

Left by D. Sidhe on August 9th, 2006

Not ever having regularly watched MST–shocking, if true!–I have not kitty-cat name suggestion. The reason for my semi-aversion to MST is that I actually like cheap, shitty sci-fi/horror movies from the ’60s-’80s, and like to watch them unadulterated. Mind you, I’m often doing a running commentary back at the flick as it unspools… it’s just that I don’t like having people who are funnier than me doing it at the same time.
As for the miracle supplement, I think it’s Esther S, the vitamin “s” pill (“s” for st00pid, naturally). Vitamin S is the wonder vitamin that only benefits really idiotic, gullible morons, so it’s the obvious pill for Shrubby McPretzelton to use. Relying entirely on the placebo effect, this wonder-vitamin has eleventy-billion percent better results with gullible fuckwits than it does with “normal” people. So it’s been very effective with Preznit Porksnorkle, and has kept him fit, albiet at 5lbs chunkier than before. There’s just more of him to make fun of love. Mind you, there are a few documented, minor side effects: increased desire to push red buttons, increased likelihood to start illegal wars on false premises, and increases in fake Texas twang, but how could any of that go wrong?

Left by Marq on August 9th, 2006

Supplemental income from oil and drug executives.

Left by "Fair and Balanced" Dave on August 9th, 2006

Kit: Tura (after Ms. Satana, illustrious star of Faster Pussycat, Kill Kill) Although that is not an MST3K kinda flick. Strictly speaking.
I’m tempted to select L Dopa as the suppliment of choice for our Doofus in Chief, but there are too many people who really need the stuff to make fun of it even if it sounds silly and oh-so-appropriate for him. Instead, I’ll speculate that Condi dug up an old recipe for brownies dating back to her days in San Francisco which also explains the extra weight gain.

Left by punkinsmom on August 9th, 2006

he’s a traditionalist, it’s the blood of babies sacrificed in the light of the full moon. It’s actauuly Cheney that devours the blood of virgins, a common confusion.

Left by Woodrowfan on August 9th, 2006

Soylent Green?

Left by Tara the anti-social social worker on August 9th, 2006

I don’t suppose you’d like to name the little kitty Ee-gah?

Left by Lucy on August 9th, 2006

I got BLTBM for my birthday, so the absence is barely tolerable

Left by preznit giv me turkee on August 9th, 2006

I think Bush uses…

Head On! Apply directly to the forehead!
Head On! Apply directly to the forehead!
Head On! Apply directly to the forehead!

…sorry, couldn’t resist.

As for kitty names, I second Su-Maru. Although Torgo is kind of funny. And when he’s bad, you can call him Hellcat!

Left by Charlotte Smith on August 9th, 2006

Oddly enough, I am applying Head-On directly to my forehead as we speak. Extra strength. I swear to God if the pharmacy doesn’t come across with the Maxalt, I’m going to be forced to kill my big-band-listening housemate.

Left by D. Sidhe on August 9th, 2006

A few tips for you, SZ:

1.) Dump AOL
2.) Dump AOL

Hope that helped.

Left by Brad R. on August 9th, 2006

I think the supplement Bush is taking is Nikki Haskell’s StarCaps. Just a hit of garlic “from the higher Andes of Peru” and papaya, and the weight peels off! Only $80 a bottle!

Left by Lucy on August 9th, 2006

s.z., perhaps now we can re-name your home “Chateau Marmot”? Sorry, couldn’t resist. Most people don’t know what they are, but I spent sufficient time in the Yosemite high country protecting my belongings from these rippling blonde creatures. You know, with the pointy teeth and all, marmots are the Ann Coulter of the animal world.

I’m with D. Sidhe on the drug issue. W. may be one of the last people around still taking Halcion. “Look what it did for Dad!” she remarked. Dad only puked in the Japanese prime minister’s lap, but apparently Son is taking Halcion in order to sleepwalk through his days, puking all over us.

Left by Mrs. Tarquin Biscuitbarrel on August 9th, 2006

Damn! I was SURE you would go for “PingPong” – there’s another contest I’ve lost. *lower lip protruding*

Well, not one to ever give up: I think Bush has a testosterone/Metamucil cocktail every morning. Accounts for the “swagger.”

Got my book yesterday!!! K. Ron is right – it saved my marriage and I’ve been divorced for 3 years! (By “saved” I mean I had it stuffed and mounted over the fireplace – it was definitely a trophy marriage.)

Left by BeginningToWonder on August 9th, 2006

(if you can think of an MST-related name for him, let me know — he’s the one who looks sorta Siamese)

Remember in Girlstown when Crow yells “Contino !!” at the screen ? (Dick Contino played one of the “car gang” guys led by viscious Mel Torme).

How ’bout “Contino” ?

Left by Tim on August 9th, 2006

That would mean making a trip to Newsmax, and my firewall for porn won’t let me do that.

Neither will my personal firewall for stupidity.

Left by actor212 on August 9th, 2006

For a Siamese, the MST-related name seems obvious: Jet Jaguar.

Left by Ron Mexico on August 9th, 2006

Doesn’t s.k. already have a Jet Jaguar?

Left by Lucy on August 9th, 2006

How about Gamera? Gamera is really neat, and he’s filled with turtle meat!

Left by Lucy on August 9th, 2006

I hafta’ go with Torgo also. Hell, it’s such a cool name that I may being referring to myself as such.

And the supplement W takes is… careful, here it comes… Viagra, so Cheney has somewhere to hang his hat every day.

Left by Heydave on August 9th, 2006

mmm…nice marmot.

Left by Jason on August 9th, 2006

I like Gamera, too.

Halcion, as I recall, was implicated in the murder by a cop of his best friend. It was reputed to make people psychotic and emotionally unstable.

(Of course, all of these things have been said about prozac, too, though in my experience prozac makes people want to get something pierced or tattooed or dyed, so we can probably assume he’s not taking that one. Unless he’s, you know, got a palang or something. I apologize for that image.)

Left by D. Sidhe on August 9th, 2006

It was reputed to make people psychotic and emotionally unstable.
I guess we have our answer, then.

Left by Lucy on August 9th, 2006

Gannon Activa, from Jm. J. Guckert Industries, LLC. It’s thick and creamy, never ropy. And it contains a probiotic culture which, if eaten daily, helps you maintain a regular digestive system.

Left by Roger Ailes on August 9th, 2006

How about The Artist, as vividly portrayed by Tony Cardoza in “The Hellcats”? Of course, then you’d have to figure out how to get a sheepskin jacket on the little bugger…

Left by Terry K. on August 9th, 2006

I vote for “Hi-keeba” as a name, but I don’t care which cat gets it.

Left by Uncle Mike on August 9th, 2006

“Once a day”? Obvious! Methadone.

Left by W. Kiernan on August 9th, 2006

Oh, “Hi-keeba” is a wonderful choice, too!

Left by Lucy on August 10th, 2006

OK, Siamese cat names…




Left by actor212 on August 10th, 2006

My votes are for Johnny LongTorso and SquareMaster…
What do you think Sirs (and Not-Sirs)?

Left by Oh, that's just George on August 10th, 2006

…Oh yeah, and I missed you too.

Left by Oh, that's just George on August 10th, 2006

Well, I know they’re girls’ names, but how about either “Nastenka” or “Marfusha”? (From “Jack Frost”).

Left by Bill S on August 10th, 2006

I’ve got it! Sampo! The mythological creation from which good things pour. Nothing like starting out a cat’s life on a hopeful note.

Left by Lucy on August 10th, 2006

but if you call one of them Puma, think of the fun you have calling him: “Puma? Puma! Come here, Puma! I didn’t mean to scare you!”…

Left by maryc on August 10th, 2006

“Puma? Puma! Come here, Puma! I didn’t mean to scare you!”

“I meant to kill you…”

Left by scott on August 10th, 2006

I was going to say “Torgo.”

“Hi-Keeba” caught my eye, there. You could just name him “Keeba” and when he comes in, you could say… well, you see where this is going.

Left by Kip W on August 11th, 2006

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