The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, (2006 to 2010).

Current posts can be found here.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

The Scary Skies Part CXXII: McDonald's Strawberry Shake of DOOM!

Alas, I think I’ve been wingnut-mining too long, because my second thought (after marveling at the timing of the announcement, what with Iraq-war fatigue setting in, and elections coming up in a few months, and all) on hearing about the Britis foiling an alleged plot to blow up airplanes was, “I guess this means the return of Annie Jacobsen.”

And I was right.  Here’s  Michelle Malkin:
Remember Annie Jacobsen and Flight 327?
Sure!  We all do!
Jacobsen wrote extensively of her experience on the plane,
“Extensively” indeed.  Or “compulsively,” some might say.  In any case, she’s the only “journalist” I know who has made an entire career out of discussing one airplaine ride where NOTHING HAPPENED!.
where a Syrian band acted strangely during take-off and landings–taking turns in the restroom with a McDonald’s bag.
Now that it’s topical again, let’s revisit Annie’s story of the McDonald’s Sack That Almost Destroyed the World.
The take-off was uneventful.  But once we were in the air and the seatbelt sign was turned off, the unusual activity began.The man in the yellow T-shirt got out of his seat and went to the lavatory at the front of coach — taking his full McDonald’s bag with him.  When he came out of the lavatory he still had the McDonald’s bag, but it was now almost empty. He walked down the aisle to the back of the plane, still holding the bag.  When he passed two of the men sitting mid-cabin, he gave a thumbs-up sign.  When he returned to his seat, he no longer had the McDonald’s bag.
I don’t know about you, but that account fairly makes my flesh crawl!.  But, in the interests of pretending to be fair, let’s read what a couple of the Syrian terrorists had to say about the incident.  (Note: Even though Annie has devoted her life to this story, she has never actually managed to do any actual reporting on it, except to Google Ann Coulter columns and make harassing phone calls to the Air Marshall’s office.  So, it was left to the college DJ who identified the terrorists as the backup band for the Syrian Wayne Newton to track down some of the musicians.)
MR. HARFOUCHE WAS ALARMED to learn he was being discussed as a potential terrorist. I telephoned him in Lebanon and he was adamant that he would contact his lawyer as soon as he returned to America, probably at the end of August.Mr. Harfouche, a singer himself, came to America from Sweden in 1998. He is a dual citizen of Lebanon and Sweden and lives in New Jersey. In 2000 he opened an entertainment business has booked several Middle Eastern acts. Mr. Harfouche is a Maronite Catholic who attends Our Lady of Lebanon Church in Brooklyn.In his version, not much happened on Flight 327. One of the band went back to the bathroom to discard a McDonald’s bag, it was too small to fit in the garbage chute, so he gave it to a flight attendant to get rid of. He didn’t remember Ms. Jacobsen from the flight — in fact he couldn’t recall her name — but he was not aware of anyone being scared in the cabin. “She said we were doing strange stuff? That’s bullsh*t. No, we’re busy, we were tired and sleeping the whole way. That’s it.” Why, then, was Ms. Jacobsen so terrified? “Maybe she had something against Middle Eastern people.”[,,,]

ANOTHER MEMBER OF THE Nour Mehana tour was Atef Kamel, an American citizen who works at the Nile Restaurant in North Bergen, New Jersey. He was born in Egypt and has been in America since 1987; he has worked with many Arabic stars such as Lebanese diva Feyrouz. … Like Mr. Harfouche, Mr. Kamel was insistent that all the trouble on Annie Jacobsen’s flight arose from the McDonald’s bag the drummer, Alfaham, carried back to the bathroom. According to Mr. Kamel, the drummer told him the McDonald’s bag contained “McDonald’s.” It was too big to fit in the bathroom trash can, so the drummer brought it back out. Someone noticed this, said Mr. Kamel, and the FBI was waiting for them as they came off the plane. They let them go on after an hour and a half — “It was nothing.” The whole band told the same story to Mr. Kamel as soon as the Feds released them.But anyway, the fact that some British Muslims were reportedly planning to blow up planes using liquid explosives disguised as beverages (possibly sports drinks) must mean that Annie’s experience involving a drummer who carried a McDonald’s sack (but no drink, not even a highly toxic Mr. Pibb, as far as we know) is highly significant.
So, back to Michelle:
Jacobsen surmised that the men were on a “dry run” practicing to build bombs on board the plane, Bojinka-style. Jacobsen wrote a book on the case, “Terror in the Skies: Why 9/11 Could Happen Again,” and updated the story earlier this month. Interesting in light of today’s events:
Since my original flight from Detroit to Los Angeles on Northwest Airlines flight 327 on June 29, 2004, I have been searching high and low for answers. I was thrilled when, during a visit to my home by four DHS agents, I learned that the Inspector General’s office was investigating my flight. In May of this year, the 22-month, 44-page report of the investigation was released — sort of. The report was originally written in two parts: one that contained classified information and a second that was unclassified. But just before its release, the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) classified the entire report, according to Tamara Falkner, Congressional Affairs Liaison and Media and Public Outreach of the Inspector General’s office of the DHS. Of course, I am disappointed that you, and I, and the other passengers on the flight will not be privy to the information in that report. But more importantly, I have to wonder: Why classify a report about a flight where nothing happened, as stated numerous times by the FBI and various government officials?
Why classify a report which cites classified sources and methods to explain why the feds are pretty danged sure that nothing happened on a flight (except that a female passagner got hysterical because an Arab male glared at her)? I don’t know — it must be part of some sinister plot instigated by Burger King! (Or maybe Michelle is implying that the report was censured because the IG’s office knew that in a few months the Brits would catch some home-grown plotters, and so letting al-Qaeda know that Annie was onto their plans might ruin things?) In any case, it really is significant.

But even more significant is the update to the Scary Skies Saga that Michelle refers us to. In it, we learn that the Bush official recently arrested for soliciting a child for sex was part of the plot to destroy Annie! Let’s go to Annie for the details:
It’s been months since my last article for, five in fact, and I know that many of you have been wondering where I’ve been.
Um, that was just us.  We did one of those “Where are They Now?” features when Annie didn’t comment on how the plot of Snakes on a Plane closely resembled her experience on the flight to LA..     
No, I wasn’t fired by and, no, the government officials who have tried so hard since day one to silence me did not finally succeed. Quite simply, I’ve been writing my second book, so I guess you could say that I’ve been on book leave.
A possible title for her next book: The Scary Skies Part Two:  Burger and Fries of DEATH!
So Did I Almost Get Fired from
The answer to this question depends on who you ask.
If you ask my editors, they would answer “absolutely not.” But ask me, and I will tell you that there were a few individuals within government agencies trying very hard to convince my editors that I was a “rogue reporter” who needed to be quieted.
Quieted PERMANENTLY!  Sent to sleep with the fishes!  Fitted with cement overshoes!  In other words, given a few weeks of medical leave so she could get some rest at Shady Acres.
Interestingly enough, one of those individuals who worked especially hard to discredit me via a lengthy phone conversation with our Editor-in-Chief was Brian Doyle. In case you don’t remember that name, let me refresh your memory. Doyle is the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) official who was recently arrested for soliciting sex from a child over the Internet. The child was actually an undercover federal officer and Doyle is now facing prison time if convicted. I would guess that Doyle’s credibility has diminished in the eyes of my editors and, as you can imagine, the phone calls from DHS have stopped.
Yes, the evil perverts who make up our federal security agencies have been vanquished, thus leaving plucky girl reporter Annie J. to continue her neverending quest for truth, justice, and no Arabs on airplanes.  Watch for her on a cable news program near you!

19 Responses to “The Scary Skies Part CXXII: McDonald’s Strawberry Shake of DOOM!”

She’s kind of paranoid, isn’t she. Michelle, stop enabling her paranoia. You’re not doing anyone any favors. When I start thinking the aliens are coming after me, my partner doesn’t stand in the window every night and scream “Look! Lights in the sky!” But, then, my partner is more concerned about my mental health than giving cover to xenophobic assholes.
Meanwhile, can’t you just hear the movie theater owners cursing? “It’s a perfect excuse! If we let you bring in outside food, you could die! And what do we have? ‘For the convenience of our patrons.’ Damn them!”
“Jacobsen surmised that the men were on a “dry run” practicing to build bombs on board the plane”
Yep, that’s the only way to practice blowing up a plane: get on the actual plane itself and rehearse the bomb-building.
Looking through the Womens Wall Street Journal site, I was struck with several questions. Do women really need their own Wall Street Journal? Why does every column come with a drawing of the author that looks like it was done by an eight year old? And why in the fuck do they trademark the titles of 90% of their goddamn articles (Seriously, look at this page) Are they afraid someone is going to infringe on the title “Annie Jacobsen Speaks Out”? Am I supposed to pay them a royalty for quoting it? Somebody, please help!
A little paranoid? I’m actually worried that Ms. Jacobson’s paranoia reaches the level of mental illness.
I mean, a Syrian drummer tried to throw out a bag and ever since she’s been pursued by shadowy government agents intent on silencing the only person who knows the real threat of Syrian musicians.
But yes, it is very wrong for Michelle to act as an enabler.
The child was actually an undercover federal officer and Doyle is now facing prison time if convicted.
Kids today–so precocious!
If you ask my editors, they would answer “absolutely not.” But ask me, and I will tell you that there were a few individuals within government agencies trying very hard to convince my editors that I was a “rogue reporter” who needed to be quieted.
Jittery Anne sure has awful luck with witnesses, don’t she? First the corroborating flight attendants and fellow travelers on the Flight of Near Doom disappear just at the time other people start looking for them, now her own editors won’t back her up.
And yeah, Mark, the minute the hit counter started rising from the first installment those meaningless ™s showed up everywhere, which does sorta raise questions about the competence of a bunch supposedly in the publishing business and busy handing out advice on financial planning.
I was thrilled when, during a visit to my home by four DHS agents, I learned that the Inspector General’s office was investigating my flight.
Question for Ms. Jacobsen?
Annie, were they wearing white coats?
Hey, who cares about liquids and gels on a plane, what about the mother fuckin snakes on a mother fuckin plane?!??
You’re funny. Finding you’re blog today was a welcomed updraft on my downword spiral into dispair, chronic unemployment, and solo afternoon happy hours.
Does this mean no more mini-bottles of Chivas Regal during flights to visit my in-laws? Now they’ve gone to far.
As-Salāmu `Alaykum.
I’ve gotta say it; Shakes on a Plane.
This plane ride sounds like a discarded episode idea from “Aqua Teen Hunger Force.”
Picture it:
The guy leaving the shitter gives the “thumbs up” to indicate that Meat Wad has finally been done in. Little does he know that Fries is busy rescuing Meat Wad from a harrowing experience in the bowels of the plane, even as Shake entertains and amazes the flight attendants hanging out in the galley. No, that wasn’t some Lebanese terrorist doing weird stuff and giving a thumbs-up on the plane; it was just their neighbor Carl (who could pass for Arab in the right lighting) foolishly thinking he was about to have a few weeks of peace and quiet. He was going to celebrate by hitting on Annie J., until he got a closer look.

“# Socraticsilence Says:
August 11th, 2006 at 3:27 pm

I’ve gotta say it; Shakes on a Plane.”
OH and how I wish I had said it! Well played, Socratic!
I can’t believe she’s still on about this. It’s like every time someone tells her she’s crazy, she takes that as further evidence that she’s right and there’s a conspiracy against her. As you say, NOTHING HAPPENED on that airplane ride. Literally. Nothing. And in true conspiracy-theory fashion, all the evidence that nothing happened is just evidence that the truth is being suppressed. You’re right, Malkin et al. should leave her alone and let her get some help.
OH and how I wish I had said it! Well played, Socratic!
Ditto. That was lovely.
Part of me wants to believe that Annie is just another hack cashing in on the terror fears of the rubes—I mean, she wrung an entire fucking book from an embarrassing anxiety attack for chrissake. Entrepreneurial academies give awards for that kind of imaginative hucksterism. And I want to believe this because mercenary racism, even fascism, while loathsome and despicable, is always less fearsome than true mental derangement. Hell, it’s almost American. But alas, I think Annie really is one of those people on whom the faeries and demons alight and buzz.
The fact that she has three children gives pause. Here’s hoping that daddy instructed them on how to dial 911 on the cell phone if Mommy straps them in the back seat and heads for the lake with that look in her eye.
She thought the drummer with the Mickey D’s bag might assault her with a brick, because she thought she heard him singing, “You deserve a brick today.”
“Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onion… [sotto voice: ceeeee four! ]… on a sesame seed bun!”
Thanks. I’ve missed Annie and her tireless efforts to expose the government’s inaction. I can’t help but rememer the line from the old Superman TV series:
“It’s that snoopy dame reporter from the Daily Planet!”
Victimhood and Paranoia are the lifeblood of the Modern Wing-Nut movement. Annie is the posterchild.

No comments:

Post a Comment