The World O' Crap Archive

Welcome to the Collected World O' Crap, a comprehensive library of posts from the original Salon Blog, and our successor site, (2006 to 2010).

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Thursday, February 3, 2011

Math Time

Here’s a math question for Andy McCarthy, Sean Hannity, and other assorted winguts:

If Monida Lewinsky was born on July 23, 1973, and first flashed her thong at Bill Clinton on November 15, 1995, how old was she when their inappropriate relationship began?

No, Sean and Andy, the answer isn’t 19.

And here’s a further problem for Andy, who wrote:
I note that NRO’s editorial today refers to the “boy” and the “kids.” That’s fair enough, but the boy and kids in question were a lot closer to Monica’s age than, say, to the 6-to-14 year-olds that the words “boy” and “kid” connote for most people.
Andy, is 16 closer to 22, or to 14? Get out your calculator, work on it, and get back to us. Then, if there’s time, we can discuss the concept of “consent.”
11 Responses to “Math Time”

All the time in the world won’t help these assholes understand the concept of “consent”, and I find that terrifying.
Q: If a Monica Lewinsky is traveling on the Southbound tracks at 47mph, starting 17 miles from the station, and a Linda Tripp is on the Northbound tracks going 37mph starting 10 miles away from the station, and if there’s an industria-sized strawberry cheesecake sitting in the center of the station (serves 20, so clearly there’s only enough for one of our two ladies), which of our ladies gets to the cheesecake first? A: Neither. Jonah Goldberg is, cleverly, already at the station. By the time either of the ladies arrives, there’ll be nary a crumb of the cheesecake left! Teh End.
Oh, but Jonah sees a few crumbs stuck to the bottom of the plate, which has slipped between the slats of the track, and races back to retrieve it. He struggles to remove, never considering holding the plate sideways, and as the oncoming train races ever closer, has to quickly decide to either let go of the plate and jump away, or try to quickly pull it out to get that last bit of cake before getting hit.
Poor Jonah.
ah, but you forgot to use teh “fuzzy math”
Who are you going to believe? Respected pundits, or your lying numbers?
RESPECTED pundits? I thought we were talking about McCarthy and Hannity!
Bill, “poor” Jonah wouldn’t have been struck by a train. It would have to have been a sweaty, irate, and especially hungry Linda Tripp or Monica Lewinsky. And with the only cheesecake in evidence being that which is smeared all over Jonah’s flabby lips, well…
Poor Jonah.
And in the case of Linda Tripp, quite possibly post-menopausal. Either that, or it’s really John Goodman in drag–who could tell?
Bill, I never, ever, ever want to see the phrase “pull it out in time” in reference to Jonah.
Three women rolling around in a giant cheesecake at a train station? Two conductors and a ticket agent walk in, and you’ve got the plot for a serious contender at next year’s AVN awards.
Not even if the context is: “It’s a shame that the when Sid and Lucienne were shtupping, he didn’t pull it out in time, and now we’re stuck with Jonah”, D. Sidhe?

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