Townhall Review
Today's theme: the discredited Newsweek item proves that we were right all along, about everything. So, let's look at some of the columnists who dared to stray from the talking points.
If you drink bottled water, you're a gullible, pretentious, idiot! But hey, if you want to be duped, WalMart water is good enough for the likes of you!
See, John conducted an unscientific study that proves that tap water is not only tasty, but, depending on where you live, possibly contains no more E. coli germs than bottled water. And for those of you who wrote snotty comments about John's previous version of this report (Is Bottled Water Better Than Tap?), saying that it's not just germs that can be problematic in tap water -- well, it just so happens that pollutants are good for you!
Some people worry about traces of chemicals, like chlorine, fluoride, copper and iron. There's a lot of misinformation suggesting tiny levels of pollutants injure people. They don't. Small amounts of chemicals are usually not only harmless, they even put them in vitamin pills.
Shut the hell up and drink your pollutants!
P.S. Reader Sean G. had a few words to say about John's previous column, Coffee talk, in which John tested coffee, because, "If coffee is available for less than $4 a pound, why spend three times that?"
Sean says:
Not once does Stossel mention that the real reason Folger's coffee lost the taste test is that Folger's uses Robusto beans. Robusto beans are crap. Here is a link which tells you more: About Coffee."Robusto beans are noteworthy for their harsh, dirty flavor and contain twice as much caffeine as what’s found in the arabica bean. A relatively low cost of production makes robusto beans a favorite with North American canned coffees. The arabica bean, which grows best at higher elevations, is the source of the world’s great coffees."
Why didn't Stossel bring this up in his report? I guess because the Stossel formula is this: Form a conclusion first. Then test the conclusion as if it is a hypothesis. Then ignore anything that may change the conclusion. Of course Stossel, the ballsy guy that he is, wouldn't want to confront Folger's with the real reason why their coffee blows.
Well, if John just went in saying, "Yes, expensive coffee is better because it uses more flavorful beans," then he wouldn't be the reporter who "for thirty years has courageously gone against the grain of the liberal media" and its PC coffee wisdom.
Invasion of the America Snatchers by Jonah Goldberg
Jonah got really scared by the remake of Invasion of the Body Snatchers, especially the ending where Donald Sutherland was revealed to be one of the pod people. A Pew Center survey shows that most Democrats think like Europeans. North Americans who think like Europeans used to be known as Canadians. Therefore, the reason that the remake of Body Snatchers was scarier than the original is because Donald Sutherland is a Canadian! Or something.
For many generations after the American Revolution, the idea of emulating European politics was nigh upon heresy. It wasn't until Woodrow Wilson, who encouraged Americans to see themselves as citizens of the world, that borrowing ideas from the continent became fully politically acceptable. Prior to Wilson, writes Richard Hofstadter, Americans considered the United States to be the "anti-Europe." But it was FDR's New Deal which helped "assimilate the American into the 'European' political experience," in the words of Daniel Boorstin.
So, it's all FDR's fault that our country is awash with alien vegetable people! Oh, the next season of "24" will reveal that Kiefer has been working for the Canadian space aliens all the time!
The topic was supposed to be "Why Employee Dress Codes are Fascism," but Dr. Mike, who is suffering from "Post Vagina Traumatic Stress Disorder," kind of got off track.
When our university's Women's Center sponsors the Vagina Monologues, it encourages women to use the c-word and the p-word. The sale of vagina-shaped lollipops, or p-pops, on campus sends a message that women should not be ashamed of their bodies.
When our university's diversity office buys and distributes the magazine "Queer Notes," it sends a message that gay men should not be ashamed of their bodies. After all, Q-Notes is full of pictures of nearly-naked gay men and scantily clad drag queens.
Dr. Mike will never forgive those women and their icky vaginas who forced him to look at photos of nearly-naked gay men for several hours.
Ben, taking a break from porn research, explains how it's sexist to try to recruit more women to work in the Harvard science and math departments, because obviously any woman qualified to work there would already be on the faculty.
Silly me. I thought the goal of a proper science department was to advance science, not to make underrepresented parties feel good. Is there a lot of untapped female talent out there just waiting to join Harvard's faculty? Probably not, or they'd already be working here. Spending $50 million to recruit women to Harvard is sexist in and of itself: It assumes that brilliant women in science are somehow too stupid to realize the prestige and power of working at the nation's most prestigious university.
And the only reason that you aren't a Harvard Law Student (like Ben) is that you are unqualified to be one, as demonstrated by the fact that you aren't a Harvard Law Student. QED.
Bill Clinton is responsible not only for teaching Onterrio Smith to beat drug tests, but also for Michael Jackson's molestation of children. And that's why the Senate has to confirm Priscilla Owen to the appellate court.
Way back in the Slick Nineties, Bill Clinton famously plea-bargained an apology on the issue of drug use by admitting to having smoked marijuana without inhaling.
Recently, a Minnesota Viking running back named Onterrio Smith was found to be in possession of a device called the Whizzinator – which is an artificial penis which carries its own supply of urine and can be used to produce a drug free sample upon demand. Smith, who obviously studied at Slick Willie's knee when it comes to plea- bargaining, told investigators he was taking the stuff to his cousin.
The Clenis strikes again!
Then again, there's the celebrated Macaulay Culkin, the former child actor, who testified in court that while he did indeed sleep with Michael Jackson out there in Neverland, neither he nor Jackson inhaled, exhaled or took their pants off.
Is that believable? It depends, I suppose, on what your definition of is is.
Let me put it this way: if sweet little Macaulay's testimony helps Jackson, then Jackson does indeed have a jury of his peers.
My peers, on the other hand, are chortling, "yeah, right."
Because none of Jay's peers have ever been in bed with a boy without molesting him.
To recap: Clinton admitted to using marijuana, but said he didn't inhale -- and obviously, he's lying, because nobody ever used marijuana without inhaling. Same deal with Michael Jackson's sleepovers with Macaulay Culkin. However, when members of the Bush administration say that Priscilla Smith isn't a far-right ideologue, you should believe them, because why would they lie?
To recap: Clinton admitted to using marijuana, but said he didn't inhale -- and obviously, he's lying, because nobody ever used marijuana without inhaling. Same deal with Michael Jackson's sleepovers with Macaulay Culkin. However, when members of the Bush administration say that Priscilla Smith isn't a far-right ideologue, you should believe them, because why would they lie?
S*x for Dummies by John Leo
A s*x column by Dummies, for Dummies!
Even though the class has been canceled, the outrage about the Montgomery County sex education pilot program never ends.
There's a reason why so many sex-ed specialists slide into indoctrination almost without noticing what they are doing. The programs are often prepared with heavy input from Planned Parenthood, gay groups, and the Sex Information and Education Council of the United States, all of which operate on assumptions that much of the public does not share. One assumption is that sex is simply a smorgasbord of choice, and it doesn't really make any difference whom you have sex with or how, as long as you have orgasms and use contraceptives. "Oral, anal, and vaginal sex" all require condoms, says an earnest young woman in a video (since withdrawn from the curriculum) that demonstrates the proper way to place a condom on a cucumber.
Giving kids advice about safe sex without making moral judgements is bad enough, but when they endorse vegiality, then they've gone too far! (But I'm sure that soon Neal Horsely will be telling audiences that all farm boys diddle the vegetables, because the pumpkims are just asking for it, the wanton sluts!)
Elsewhere, the curriculum says, "Sex play with friends of the same gender is not uncommon during early adolescence." Whatever.
Leo isn't disagreeing that sex play with friends of the same gender happens pretty frequently among adolescents, he just doesn't see any reason to talk about it in a sex education class (or a s*x education class).
The strangest aspect of the Montgomery curriculum is the insistence that students should ponder their gender identity. In plain English, this means boys should examine whether they really want to be boys, and girls should wonder if they should be girls. This is a current obsession in the world of sex ed, apparently inserted here to accommodate transvestites and transsexuals.
The Des Moines Register has an interesting article about gender identity dysphoria, and about a local resident's transformation from Larry to Lauren. Here's a quote from it:
Nobody knows the causes - possibly some kind of hormone imbalance in the early development of a fetus's brain. The only thing experts agree upon is that being transgender, in most cases, means living a life of secrecy, solitude and self-loathing, plus facing an increased likelihood of depression and suicide.
And that's the way it should stay, because we wouldn't want to make things any easier for teens who chose as fetuses to be trendy and to not have their brain match their genitals.
Anyway, that's our Townhall Review for this week. Join us next week for a discussion of how Newsweek is responsible for the failure to find WMDs in Iraq, and how it should atone for its sins by reporting that Iran was actually behind 9/11.
2:40:24 AM
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