May 11, 2005 by s.z.

Who Said It?

The gameshow that asks YOU to name the Townhall* columnist responsible for various quotes, and tantalizes you with exciting prizes such as the following:

   George W. Bush Jack In The Box

    Be among the first to have the hottest new political collectible of the year. Turn the crank to hear Hail to the Chief and out pops George W. Bush, complete with presidential podium.

 Prize courtesy of  AmericanFlagFactory, whose motto is "Bringing you the world's largest Flag and Patriotic products."  But yeah, I've seen larger jack-in-the-boxes. (You can make your own joke about large jackasses.)

*Okay, they're not really all from Townhall. Here are your choices (not all of whom are represented here today with quotes):  Carey Roberts   Judson Cox  Justin Darr   Thomas Sowell  Michelle Malkin   Ben Shapiro    Andrew Sullivan    Walter E. Williams    Jonah Goldberg    Mike Adams  John Stossel

So, Who Said It?

1.  This columnist is well known for his healthy moral condemnation, especially of sex and cross-dressing,

There is nothing healthy about stifling moral condemnation. Moral condemnation isn't only cathartic; it's the only way we can improve our society.

2.  This columnist is editor-in-chief of what is soon to be the most popular paper in his state (in Bizarro World). Here he is having one of those fake discussions with a really stupid (and imaginary) "Socially Moderate, Wishy Washy Christian"  Hey, it's the only way he can win arguments.

So, the Bible says homosexuality is an abominable sin, that religions other than Christianity and Judaism are false and that John the Baptist, when he was still in his mother's womb, recognized Jesus in His mother's womb even though Jesus was an embryo only days old (which proves that life begins at conception and that abortion is murder). Do you still believe the Bible is wrong on those "social" issues?

SMWWC: Um, I guess so.

Are you sure you are a Christian?

Luke 1:41-44, from tells how Elisabeth, the mother of John the Baptist, felt her baby "leap in her womb" when Mary saluted her.  Elisabeth must have been awfully sensitive if she could feel a days-old embryo move in her belly, since it would be smaller than a pin point.  (Most religious traditions hold that John was six months older than Jesus, and so Elisabeth would have been in her third trimester when this incident occurred.) 

And the Bible doesn't say that homosexuality is an "abominable sin."  In fact, it says nothing about sexual orientation.  The Old Testament does make reference to certain things which are abominations, though -- here are some of them: a man lying with a man as with a woman; cheating others through unjust weights and measures; a lying tongue, a false witness that speaketh lies; and lying lips.

So, either this columnist is a liar (and therefore, has committed a sin just as abominable as lying with a man as with a woman), or he isn't really a Christian.  I will leave it to God to judge which.

3.  This columnist explains how it's only rich liberals who are concerned with such things as the environment, or the inequality of wealth.  

He says, "'Environmentalism is another of the playgrounds of the affluent and the wealthy.'Nature' is wonderful when you can look out on it from your luxury cabin in the woods or from your upscale digs at the shore." So, since "nature" is just a plaything of the rich, we should pave it over and let capitalists build subdivisions on it.  That's the unelitist way to benefit everybody.  

  

He also says that you should be grateful that you can afford pizza (because when HE was young, all they had to eat were rocks), and should stop worrying about the rich folks who can afford cavier.  After all, there are people in the world who are worse off than you, and anyway, all your whining is bothering the Walton family as they try to eat their cavier.  Hey, if you want to be able to afford cheese on your pizza, just work another shift at WalMart, or sell an organ.

Would a poverty-stricken peasant in Bangladesh find the difference between the average American's standard of living and that of a millionaire to be something to get excited about? If he had a choice between a certainty of getting the first and one chance in two of getting the second, would he take the risk to go for a million bucks? I doubt it.

So, just shut the hell up about how if the 555-foot Washington Monument reflects average CEO pay, then a replica representing average worker pay would be less than two feet tall.  Hey, in Bengladesh, they don't even HAVE a Washington Monument!

4.  This columnist just isn't living up to all his hype lately.

Now let us add another issue liberals love into the mix, illegal immigration. Currently liberals and some other groups are up in arms over House Republicans adding the "Right ID Act" as a rider into the new Congressional appropriations measure to fund the War on Terror and Tsunami relief efforts. With Pavlov like predictability, Senate Minority Leader Bill Frist has promised to fight the measure on grounds that it is racist, discriminatory, sexist, and so forth.

Senate Minority Leader Bill Frist is always doing underhanded stuff like that. So, remember, wingnuts: Bill Frist is a stinking liberal, and you should never vote for him again.

5.  This columnist uses this week's entry to apply for a job:

While I do not have "teaching experience in Women's Studies courses" I believe that I have "a proven track record in collaborating with community agencies that work on behalf of women...". For example, I organized the "Run Against Rape" in April of 1995. This event raised money for the Rape Crisis Center with a five kilometer run. A U.S. Congressman fired the starting gun for the event, which was covered by the local media. This fundraiser did not require teenage girls to march across a stage chanting "vagina." Nor were vagina lollipops sold to spectators or participants. In short, I raised money to promote the dignity of women without asking them to act like women of ill-repute.

You recall how in days of yore street vendors used to advertise their ware with distinctive cries.  For instance, "Buy a cane for naughty boys." was the cry of the cane sellers.  "One a penny, two for a tuppence," meant that the vendor was selling hot cross buns. "Fine silver eels! Buy great eels, 5 shillings a basket," was the cry of the fish monger.  And "Vagina, vagina, vagina for sale" was the cry of the women of ill-repute.   

6.  True or false: sugar causes insanity?

Parents say the first one all the time: Sugar makes kids wild and crazy. Even some kids say it. "I go really nuts when I have candy," one girl told ABC News. Another told us it affects her so strongly that she'll change her behavior, "like sometimes I'm like oh, my God, I'll clean my room." Oh, my God, indeed.

To quote Glenn Reynolds, "Oh, my God, indeed, indeed."

7.  This columnist explains how to avoid poverty: work full-time at a minimum wage job (or two, if possible), and have no expenses.

Most jobs start with wages higher than the minimum wage, which is currently $5.15. A man and his wife, even earning the minimum wage, would earn $21,000 annually. According to the Bureau of Census, in 2003, the poverty threshold for one person was $9,393, for a two-person household it was $12,015, and for a family of four it was $18,810. Taking a minimum-wage job is no great shakes, but it produces an income higher than the Bureau of Census' poverty threshold.

Hey, if the Bureau of Census says you're not poor, then you're not, dangnabbit!

8.  You don't need any clues for this one.

Are you straight guys as irritated as I am by the metrosexual craze? Please please please don't remove a single hair from your body. Ignore Queer Eye. We homos aren't all crazed, plucked product queens.

Doug Giles, or an incredible simulation?

2:22:21 AM