November 17, 2005 by s.z.

Tailgunner Bill

Today, as a late Veteran's Day tribute, we will honor combat veteran Bill O'Reilly ("I've been in combat. I've seen it, I've been close to it.") 

Yes, Bill bravely served in The War on Christmas and the War on Terror (he fought on the side of both Christmas and of Terror).  And, in a futher act of service; he is currently working toexpose the "the anti-military Internet crowd" who criticized him for informing al-Qaeda that it would be okay to blow up San Francisco. 

(Note: Some have claimed  that Bill's comment, "You want to blow up the Coit Tower?  Go ahead!" may have been merely satire, much like how King Henry II was just joking when he said of Thomas Becket, "Will no one rid me of this meddlesome priest?"  However, since Bill's remark wasn't as funny as Henry's, this view isn't widely accepted.) 

Bill has promised to "post the names of all who support the smear merchants" -- so, he presumably has researchers Googling around the clock in order to root out all those who have ever made fun of him.  While Bill hasn't yet posted that list of "gutter snipes" who hate our soldiers and live to defame Bill, we're pretty sure that Keith Olbermann will be featured prominently. 

As evidence of Olbermann's crimes, we offer some comments taken from the transcript of his program from Nov. 15th, during which Keith played tapes of Bill's remarks (proving that Keith is a smear merchant) and interviewed SF City Supervisor Chris Daly.  Let's start with some of Keith's introduction to the segment (we have bolded our favorite bits):

“Patriotism,” Dr. Samuel Johnson famously wrote, “is the last refuge of a scoundrel.” If that‘s true, Bill O‘Reilly has reached his last refuge.  [,,,]

Our third story on the COUNTDOWN, the man who has been to all but about 1 percent of the population an obnoxious and perverted but fundamentally buffoonish character is in the deep woods now.  He has not only amplified on his call to have al Qaeda attack San Francisco, he has also defended it while at the same time doctoring the transcript of it, while at the same time claiming that all those who criticize him are against America. 

Now, here are some highlights from the interview:

OLBERMANN:  Maybe just as important as underscoring that this is not patriotism, it is hate speech, and self-promotional hate speech at that, is the point that it is broadly inaccurate. 

[...]

OLBERMANN: I‘ve mentioned this many times before, he has been bouncing around this business for 30 years.  And he has always been viewed as a guy who is several light bulbs short of a marquee.  Why not just dismiss him as the Michael Savage-type, to quote another figure who is familiar in your city, one of these learning-challenged hypocrites who believes in rights for everybody who agrees with him and for nobody who doesn‘t? 

DALY:  You can say, write the guy off, but unfortunately, he‘s become very powerful, not just in influencing public opinion in Middle America, but seemingly influencing policy made in Washington, D.C.  ... The guy has a huge following, and with that comes a huge responsibility.  

And Bill takes that responsibility seriously, as demonstrated by his continued attacks on those who would listen to his words and transcribe them for unreverential purposes.  (And those villains would be "the far left smear Web sites"). 

Here's part of Bill's Talking Points Memo - San Francisco, Part Two wherein he re-denounces these anti-military, anti-American Internet ragamuffins.

Now "Talking Points" is actually pleased about the San Francisco controversy because this whole deal needs to be out in the open. The far left smear Web sites, which support the anti-military movement, have developed an effective way to punish people with whom they disagree.
And here's how it works. The smear sites print analysis that distort someone's position on an issue by taking it out of context, reporting humor as being serious, or flat-out lying about tone and substance.

Then the smear sites urge their readers to email threatening words to sponsors or demand a firing, whatever. The Internet gutter snipes also contact sympathizers in the mainstream media, who then publish the Internet defamation often without hearing the original remarks, which are at issue. Remember, there's a huge difference between a written transcript and actually hearing what was said.

Bill is right!  In fact, when you actually hear what he said during that radio show, it goes something like this:

You know, if I‘m the president of the United States, I say, listen, citizens of San Francisco, if you vote in favor of measures which I don't support, you‘re not going to get another nickel in federal funds, even though I believe you currently pay more in taxes that you get back. You want to be your own country?  Then go right ahead and keep all that tax money -- see if we care!

And if al Qaeda comes in here and blows you up, um, it will all be Bill Clinton's fault.  Anyway, we‘re going to say to them, look, every other place in America is off-limits to you except San Francisco.  You want to blow up the Coit Tower?  Go ahead. 

And then we'll yell "PSYCH," and we'll laugh, and they will feel so stupid.  It will be great!

But back to Bill's message to al Qaeda about how it's okay with America if they blow up Media Matters.

In the past, the smear sites have been somewhat successful using these dishonest tactics, but now the game's up. Anyone, anyone who carries water for these far left sites will be exposed on this broadcast. Your right to know.

The Internet — the intent, I should say, of the smear sites is to intimidate free speech. This is not what America is supposed to be about.

So the smear sites must be exposed. They have hurt the country dramatically.

Stirring words -- and a wake-up call to this country, which has for too long allowed people on the Internet to criticize Bill, thus intimidating his free speech.   These vagabonds and ne'er-do-wells must be exposed, so that THEIR free speech can be intimidated.  No longer must they be allowed to say things like "Bill O'Reilly is a Poopie-Head" or "Bill O'Reilly Is Not a Nice Man."  And if we must publish their names to get them to stop, then it's time we did so.  (So, you'd better shape up, Bobby Johnson, age 8, of Erie, PA -- for soon you will be exposed as the smear merchant you are!)

And above all, we must stop Media Matters from polluting our precious bodily fluids with their hateful transcriptions that fail to capture the innate decency and kindness that exists behind Bill's rants, instead endering them as merely stupid, hateful tirades. 

In furtherance of the worthy goal of Ending Smearing In Our Lifefimes (and in aid of the ongoing War for Christmas), Bill has prepared a little speech, which he will now present to all of you.  Remember, if sounds obnoxious, it's because you aren't hearing it in context, or aren't paying proper attention to the tone or something.

Ladies and Gentlemen:

Today we are engaged in a final, all-out battle between secular atheists and Christmas. The modern champions of "Happy Holidays" have selected this as the time. And, ladies and gentlemen, the chips are down -- they are truly down.

Ladies and gentlemen, can there be anyone here tonight who is so blind as to say that the war is not on? Can there be anyone who fails to realize that Wal-Mart, Target, Penney's, and Macey's have said, "The holiday season is now" -- that this is the time for the showdown between the Republican Christian world and the communist atheistic world that refuses to say "Merry Christmas" to us?  Unless we face this fact, we shall pay the price -- and that price will be $19.95 for a sweater that doesn't feature even ONE twinkling Christmas tree or adorable flocked reindeer. 

But this is a two-pronged war, for not only must we fight for Christians, a persecuted minority who are being terrorized by department stores that refuse to use "Merry Christmas" in their ads, but we must also battle on behalf of innocent Bill O'Reillys, who are being smeared with their own words, and mocked by jackanapes and street urchins. 

The reason why we find ourselves in a position of impotency is not because we lost our penis-shaped vibrator.  No, rather it is because of the traitorous actions of those who have been treated so well by this nation.  It has not been the less fortunate or members of minority groups who have been selling this nation out by abusing their freedom of speech, but rather those who have had all the benefits that the wealthiest nation on earth has had to offer -- the finest homes, the finest college education, and the finest Internet connections we can give.

This is glaringly true over at Media Matters. There, the bright young men who are born with silver spoons in their mouths are the ones who have been worst.  Somewhere, Baby Jesus is crying.   

This, ladies and gentlemen, gives you somewhat of a picture of the type of individuals who have been helping to hurt our nation by saying whatever the hell they wanted.  This is not what America is supposed to be about.  In my opinion, the web logs (which constitute one of the most dangerous online sources of opinion, unregulated speech, and blogging) are thoroughly infested with communists, guttersnipes, and bad eggs.   

I have in my hand 57 cases of bloggers who would appear to be either card-carrying members of the Anti-Christmas army, or loyal to the smear merchants who hate the troops, America, and fluffy kittens..  

One thing to remember in discussing the bloggers in our Internets is that we are not dealing with spies who get 30 pieces of silver to steal the blueprints of new weapons. We are dealing with a far more sinister type of activity because it permits the enemy to hurt our country by intimidating my free speech.

As you hear this story of high treason, I know that you are saying to yourself, "Well, why doesn't the Congress do something about it?" Actually, ladies and gentlemen, one of the important reasons for the graft, the corruption, the dishonesty, the disloyalty, the treason in high government positions -- one of the most important reasons why this continues -- is that George W. Bush and the Republican Party are in control of things. 

No, wait -- I didn't actually say that.  If you thought you heard me say that, it was because you didn't hear it in context, or my timbre or something wasn't properly reported.

Anyway,  in the days to come, I will be revealing the names of those 57 (or possibly 205) anti-Christmas, communistic bloggers whose cases I have in my hand.  But hey, I can tell you right now that they include Ambassador TBogg,  Senior Policy Advisor  Sadly, No!, Mark of the Department of Fried Green al-Qaedas, GS-5 clerk Doghouse Riley, and Undersecretary of State Atrios.

And I really, really hate them all.  But the guy I hate the worst of all is that meanie Keith Olbermann.  When this pompous MSNBC host in striped pants proclaimed to the American people that Christ on the Mount didn't endorse the commercialization of the holiday celebrating his birth (and disapprovedof unseemly displays of pique and ego, and/or blowing up San Franciscans), the blasphemy was so great that it awakened the dormant indignation of the American people.

Olbermann has lighted the spark which is resulting in a moral uprising that will force everyone to celebrate Christmas, and will cause Congress to outlaw freedom of speech for the people I hate .  And this will lead to the new birth of national honesty, decency, and merriness.  

But hey, if you don't want to join the moral uprising, then I'm outta here.  I don't really need the money and fame, for I am the Great and Powerful Bill O'Reilly, and I'm tired of you people not appreciating me. 

Yeah, fail to join my crusade and I just might retire from the hero business -- then you and the rest of the folks will  be sorry! 

P.S.  Although the whole thing is full of wingnutty goodness, this is my favorite bit from the lastest "O'Reilly Factor" War on Christmas segment, Which Discount Department Stores Are Saying 'Merry Christmas'?

BILL O'REILLY, HOST: I am sensing, through e-mails and radio calls, a growing anger among the nation's Christians that their holiday is being denigrated by, particularly stores, that want their business over Christmas. How do you see it?

TOBIN SMITH, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Well, Bill, first off, 92 percent of Americans in every poll, including polls that we do, have said they like the words "Merry Christmas." So who are you offending is my question?

The same question, if you look at the statistics, 50 percent of people from a Jewish heritage participate in a Christmas activity.

So who's left? The atheists and the agnostics? You don't make business decisions based on a small, small microscopic group of loud, angry people.

Yup, since most people in this country are Christian, and half the Jews celebrate this Christian holiday, the only people in America who might not like being commanded to have a Merry Christmas must be loud, angry atheisists and agnostics.  Screw you, members of other religions!

This part was good too:

O'REILLY: But to say that "we are not going to use the words 'Merry Christmas' in our advertising, retail advertising," is teeing off, trust me, millions of customers.

Because not using the phrase "Merry Christmas" in retail advertising.goes against everything that Christ taught.

1:40:57 AM