December 12, 2004 by s.z.

Hey, It IS Just Like "Law & Order"! A Kerik update for today, courtesy of the NY Daily News : When he headed the city's jails, Bernard Kerik became deeply entangled with a New Jersey construction company long under fire for its alleged mob ties, a Daily News investigation found. Kerik's troubling connection to the company, Interstate Industrial, began in the fall of 1998, when the company held major city contracts, including one to cover the massive Fresh Kills landfill. Kerik recommended his close friend, Lawrence Ray, for a job helping Interstate cope with mob-leery regulators here and in Atlantic City. The construction company hired Kerik's good friend Ray on his say-so, presumably as a favor to him.  And in a strange coincidence, Ray had just paid for Kerik's wedding reception!  Interstate also gave Kerik's brother a cushy job. Charges that Interstate, based in Clifton, N.J., is controlled by organized crime resurfaced last month when a mob turncoat, Anthony Rotondo, testified in Manhattan Federal Courtthat Interstate paid protection money to the Gambino crime family. "They were able to use nonunion labor," Rotondo said. "They saved a lot of money." The company first raised regulators' eyebrows when it bought a dirt transfer station from Edward Garafola, a notorious mobster and brother-in-law to mob turncoat Salvatore (Sammy Bull) Gravano, according to the New Jersey Division of Gaming Enforcement, which investigated the deal. I think it's time we brought back DA Ben Stone to deal with this mess, since he did so well in the fight against the Masucci crime family. Ray and 18 others were indicted on March 2, 2000, in Brooklyn federal court. Ray's alleged role - described in two sentences of an 80-page indictment - was conspiring to obtain an insurance bond, which never came through, for a mob front company. Ray had worked in the bond field for years. [...] It was no surprise to Kerik. Kerik had five conversations with Ray's criminal defense attorney in 1999 and 2000 that were billed as a cost of Ray's defense, according to itemized bills filed by the attorney in the Somerset County, N.J., courthouse. And then Kerik was named Police Commissionaire.  See, it helps to have connections!  9:10:13 AM

A Last Minute Christmas Idea Our friend David E. emails us with the following sure-fire idea to make big money: I had a barnstorming idea last night, that can make us both very rich. Let's write a cookbook for the holiday season, Favorite Recipes of the Baby Jesus.  I mean, figure it'll be hummus, simple middle-eastern food, but we'll gussy it up with stories about what the Baby Jesus liked to eat. Very folksy. The thing will sell better than the Da Vinci Code. I want to be very rich as much as the next person, so I jumped at David's idea.  I figure that if there's any interest, David and I should be able to finish the cookbook by Friday, giving you plenty of time to download and print copies for all your friends and relatives -- after you pay us, of course. I haven't chosen an illustrator yet, but I did find a very interesting nativity mobile at Jesus of the Week -- it imagines what the first Christmas would have been like if Mary, Joseph, and baby Jesus had been bears, and instead of going to Bethlehem, they traveled to Yellowstone Park.  So, I figure that we'd use that kind of vision for the pictures of our book. Anyway, here is my first draft of of the first page of the cookbook: Jesus' Favorite Breakfast Even as a child, Jesus knew that breakfast was the most important meal of the day.  He often would tell his little friends, "Blessed are those who enjoy something from each of the four food groups in the morning, for they won't be cranky and get a time out." His mother, the Virgin Mary, says that while fleeing to Egypt to escape King Herod's soldiers, baby Jesus enjoyed such traditional quick dishes such as unleavened pancakes, yoghurt smoothies, and Egg McMuffins.  But when things settled down, this was his favorite dish, and he always asked for it to be served in his special Winnie the Pooh bowl. KHABEESA - also known as farina or "Cream of Wheat" Ingredients: 3/4 cup of khabeesa (farina or "Cream of Wheat") 5 cups of milk 1/3 cup sugar (or to taste) 1 Tablespoon ground cardamom 2 Tablespoons of butter 2 Tablespoons of rose water 1/2 teaspoon of saffron powder or one big pinch of saffron threads Combine all of the ingredients in a sauce pan. Bring to a boil. Reduce heat to the lowest level and simmer for 10 minutes, stirring occasionally. Serve warm in individual bowls or on small desert plates. Drizzle with butter, if desired Mary also told us an interesting fact: the Cream o' Wheat Chef (his name was apparently Rastus) traveled with the Three Wise Men and did all the grunt work for them --  until he got fed up with them, quit, and opened his own soul food restaurant in Jerusalem.  Mary got the above recipe from him.  I got this special message from him at Ferris State U. 's Jim Crow Museum: 6:24:43 AM

Cinema Sunday Today we continue the manliness theme with the second part of Scott C's Subliminal Cinema chapter entitled "Ziggy Stardust, Action Hero."  As you will recall, last week we presented the thesis that Rambo and The Terminator weren't the only heroes running around in the '80s, and that the Cold War was probably actually won by the pornosexual gender-blurrers.  (And we aren't saying that just to get Doug Giles' panties in a wad.) So, read this recap of Megaforce (the best movie ever made about our future war against strip malls) and see if it doesn't teach you about the fourth trait of the traditional masculine makeup: eyeliner. Megaforce (1982) A profoundly personal film, wrenched deep from the soul of stuntmeister Hal Needham, Megaforce stars Barry Bostwick, Persis Khambatta, Edward Mulhare, and Henry Silva. (Suggested ad copy included, "Needham? There’s plenty in this cast!") Based on a painting by Jackson Pollock, the plot of Megaforce goes something like this: Edward Mulhare (as "The General") and Persis Khambatta (as "The Major") are dropped off in the middle of the desert by a limousine. They remain there for a really long time while nothing happens, giving us plenty of opportunity to admire their wardrobe. Edward is sporting a beige polyester shirt, double-knit slacks, and the shortest tie this side of Oliver Hardy. Persis is wearing a gauzy, rust-colored gown that matches her rouge, and sitting on a rock with her legs spread at right angles like a truck driver. This attracts a huge rattlesnake, which attempts to recreate the climax of North By Northwest, where the train carrying Eva Marie Saint and Cary Grant goes into a tunnel. However, Persis and her scaly love interest are stopped just inches from turning this whole thing into a John Waters film by the intervention of Michael (Xanadu) Beck, who shoots the snake, then poses while Needham treats us to a long, loving, lingering look at his bun-hugging Sergio Valentes, his musky T-shirt advertising SKOAL smokeless tobacco, his Linda Blair-style shag haircut, and his straw cowboy hat. Clearly, this is Persis’s new love interest, and she reacts accordingly: She sits on a rock, and spreads her legs. Edward is apparently aroused by this, because his tie suddenly gets longer. They all pile into a sport utility vehicle with a ThighMaster on the roof, and drive through the desert. Eventually, they stop to watch some guys on motorcycles pop wheelies and gun down a bunch of giant beach balls that were apparently going on an Outward Bound trip with Rover from "The Prisoner." One of the cyclists dismounts, and Persis meets her third love interest of the film. It’s whippet-thin, frost-and-tipped action hero Ace Hunter (Barry Bostwick). Sporting a skin-tight gold lamé bodysuit and a sky-blue headband stolen from Olivia Newton John’s "Let’s Get Physical" video, Barry introduces himself as the commander of an elite special-forces unit, despite the fact that he’s dressed like a chorus boy from Starlight Express. He leads the party into his super-secret underground matte painting, where he changes the skintight bodysuit for a skintight velveteen cutaway coat and a sky-blue ascot the size of a lobster bib.  Edward Mulhare explains that he needs an elite force of professional killers for a blitzkrieg attack on a fortified target, and he believes that Barry’s cadre of highly trained Edwardian fops are just the men for the job. Barry consents, and gives a military briefing on the mission--the authenticity of which is compromised by the fact that he looks like Barry Gibb in Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band, and the briefing consists of him and Michael Beck playing "Pong." Persis is persistent about wanting to go along on the attack, so Barry runs her through Megaforce basic training, which involves a trip to the Driver’s Ed. simulator, and a rear-projected skydiving sequence, in which the two of them attempt to mate in mid-air like eagles until Barry prematurely deploys his chute, if you know what I mean. Persis passes the training with flying colors, which convinces her that Barry was right: She’s just a dumb ol’ girl, and she ought to stay home. As they tenderly part at the airport, Persis kisses her thumb and shows it to Barry, who kisses his thumb and shows it to her. This is as hot as the sex ever gets. Megaforce attacks the target, which turns out to be a strip mall in San Bernardino. While a red digital clock counts down in the corner of the screen, the killer motorcyclists ride through and blast all the buildings. Then they ride through again, and we watch all the same stuff blow up again. And again. And again.. Apparently, it’s a Möbius-strip mall. Meanwhile, Mulhare conspires with some off-screen politicians to double-cross Megaforce. Trapped in the middle of the desert, Barry and his men have but one chance of escape: They must stage a Super Bowl Halftime Show. This plan works for some reason, and everybody reaches the rescue plane except for Barry. Fortunately, just as the aircraft lifts off, Barry’s motorcycle turns into Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, while Barry himself turns into a cross between Margaret Hamilton in The Wizard of Oz and Henry Thomas in E.T. Flushed with triumph, Barry is met at the airport by Persis, and they go off to spend a romantic evening together, slobbering over their own thumbs. * * * * * Deep textual analysis of these films reveal a startling truth: Girls go for femmy guys. In the Rambo or Arnold movies, most everybody is dead by the end of the film, including the disposable female lead. But you'll note that in "Gymkata," Kurt won the hand of Princess Ruballi, while Barry won–if not the hand of Persis–at least her thumb. Ultimately, the message of Reagan-era action films seems to be two-fold: On the one hand, America must adopt a strong and uncompromising stance vis-a-vis our ideological opponents in the  international arena. On the other hand, steroids will make you impotent, and short, effeminate men will get all the chicks. 3:48:03 AM

Manlier Than Thou Today Doug Giles offers us parts two and three of his manliness lessons.  (I guess they were combined so that next week Doug might share with us a special holiday column called "Dirty Harry's Christmas Miracle.") TBogg has the manly recap of the whole anti-pornosexual, anti-misandry polemic.  He also applauds a comment by our own Glenstonecottage.  (And by "he," I mean TBogg, but I imagine that Doug liked it too, since it deals with George Bush and a manly activity involving cocks.) But I believe that there can never be enough Doug, here's some more: I hate to get your panties in a wad, Doug, you have no effect whatsover on my panties.  Sorry. you pomosexual gender-line-blurrers , you, but the vast, vast majority of American men want to be more like William Wallace and less like Will and Grace.  Yes, the vast, vast majority of American men would rather be drawn and quartered (and their heads placed on spikes) rather than be gay and/or like a popular sitcom.  Doug knows this because the extensive polling he did here. And Doug also wants to let us know that he's more popular than Jesus.  From the thousands of positive emails I receive week after week from men and women regarding my polemic attempts Doug, I'm sure that you receive thousands of positive emails a week, but I have to break it to you: those emails about "penile enlargement" and "impotence" have nothing to do with "polemic attempts." But let's get away from your immense popularity, and get back to the manliness lessons. So … what are the traditional elements of the masculine spirit?  Well, from Homer to Gomer, from Abraham to the Apostle Paul, Once again, I have to note the absence of Jesus on this list.  I guess that's because Doug feels that Jesus was a gender-line blurrer, what with all His talk about the meek inheriting the earth, and that time when He healed the soldier whose ear Peter severed instead of doing a Dirty Harry on the entire Roman garrison.  And even though Jesus was crucified (which is just as manly as being drawn and quartered), He probably didn't enjoy it as much as he should.  Anyway, Homer, Gomer, and the gang taught that real men (and real wild animal men) are competitive, independent, and responsible.   Y’know it is right for a man while he is a boy to be dependant upon mummy … petted and cajoled … flattered and fattened … by mother’s you-can-do-no-wrong-honey loving touch.  Doug, that's actually not right at all -- most mothers don't smother and emasculate their sons that way.  It sounds kind of unhealthy to the rest of us.  So, I think you've revealed a little too much about your own issues here, not exposed some universal truth.  But it does make sense that you would try so hard for Dirty Harry's approval if you stil have mommy issues. In ancient cultures, the young male was made to be sovereign, separated from the safe arms of the feminine touch usually at the ripe old age of … twelve.  Young men were expected to separate, never to return to a codependent existence.  Well, in some ancient cultures, none of them Judeo-Christian.  And also in some animal cultures.  But I thought the point of Christianity was to put off the natural man, and aspire to something higher? But those ancient cultures sound really good to Doug: getting to be sovereign, living with the other men (and the twelve-year-old boys), doing manly stuff like hunting and watching gladiator movies all day, and never having any icky girls to ruin things. Lastly, the most distinctive trait of the tri-fold traditional masculine make up is the way men are to take care of those under their watch … i.e., being responsible and accountable for the well being of family and society.  And families and societies are under the watch of men because "responsiblity" is another word for "getting to boss everyone else around." Naturally, men were the pillars of the public, being responsible to God, to family, to church and to their culture as providers and protectors of family and friends.  Naturally.  It was the man who steered the family unit and civilization with firmness, directing them with rules and principles, being dependable, loving and just.  In ancient times the father was not a mere Al Bundy-like sperm donor who lived at Hooters, but a community elder, a moderator and a servant leader who created edicts and ordered kingdoms.  And dagnabbit, if Doug isn't allowed to steer civilization and to create edicts and order kingdoms, but instead is told by his churchly bosses to do wimpy things like feed the hungry and comfort those who mourn, then America is clearly headed down the toilet. My ClashPoint is this: [...] It is up to us middle-aged old boys to preserve and perpetuate the grand testosterone fog God created us to live in for the next generation of young warriors.  Um, maybe it's just me, but that sounds like the practice of this ancient culture. But now I am going to spray the room with Oust air sanitizer, to try to get rid of the grand testosterone fog in here. P.S.  Jesse has some info on Doug's nemesis (now that Richard Simmons is unavailable), the flaming metrosexual called Clay Aiken. P.P.S. Bartholomew has some info on Doug's manly reading list, which includes a tome by the co-author of the booklet "Slavery is the Way God Wants Us To Care For Our Black Brethren," which is so popular in Southern Christian schools these days. 2:58:44 AM