December 30, 2004 by s.z.

Submitted for Your Approval Discuss the following, or whatever the heck you want to talk about. 1.  Roger Ailes's "Year End Quiz" -- a funny yet shocking commentary on the criminals and sex fiends who are our elected officials and pundits, or just a  really hard quiz that we don't even get college credit for? 2.   Jerry Orbach Dead at 69.  Is he now tracking down bad guys in heaven, or singing "Try to Remember" on the Great White Way in the sky? As Tom Shales said: "Deep in December, it's nice to remember, although there's snow, the spring will  follow," Orbach sang in that brave little musical. "Deep in December, it's nice to remember, without a hurt, the heart is hollow." Orbach found a place in the hearts of tens of millions of viewers. Today, those hearts are hurting, too. 3.  G.O.P. to Make Ethics Inquiries Harder to Begin Because there's a real need for fewer ethics in Congress? Also, from the article: It remained uncertain whether Representative Joel Hefley of Colorado, the current chairman of the panel, would stay in that post.  [...] Many Republicans expressed dissatisfaction with Mr. Hefley after the committee reports critical of Mr. DeLay were issued, saying he had allowed Democrats to score political points against Mr. DeLay for conduct that did not merit such scrutiny. And heaven forbid that the Democrats are able to score political points against DeLay just because DeLay is corrupt!.  4.  Annie Jacobsen's latest Scary Skies article is entitled "How Intelligent Are We?"  Here are the highlights: Nearly six months have passed since I began writing this series, Terror in the Skies. Ten installments later, a lot has been reported.  [...] As reported by WomensWallStreet.com, The Washington Times, the Christian Science Monitor and others, there have been a number of recent, suspicious incidents involving groups of Middle Eastern men acting strangely on aircraft -- spending extended amounts of time in the bathroom [...] Meanwhile, the American public continues to show its appetite for airline related news. The TSA has been in the spotlight (or rather the hot seat) for its thugish, pat-down procedures involving female passengers (and now being referred to in the news as “illegal strip searches”). Kudos to the many women who have spoken out about this invasive and ineffective practice -- women who’ve risked embarrassment (heavens, you’re not wearing a bra under that camisole tee-shirt!) and spoken with various journalists and news organizations about their experiences. So, obviously, what we should be doing is patting down only Middle Eastern men who want to use the restrooms. 5.  Mug recomends this one-minute rant which compares/contrasts Fox and Jazeera.  Also worth at least a minute is this one about right wing sex. 5:50:45 AM

Deep Thoughts, by Peggy Noonan [Peggy is in maroon; Jack Handey, author of the authentic Deep Thoughts, is in blue; I am in black.] In this week's column, Peggy notes that the biggest story of the year, the tsunami that may have killed over 100,000 people, occurred when all the other pundits had already written their "Ten Biggest Stories of the Year" and left for their vacation homes in Aspen -- and they didn't invite Peggy, the jerks!  This causes Peggy to reflect on something a wise old journalist once told her ("It's always something"), and how disasters remind us that God and Mother Nature really hate us and stuff.  But everything is summed up best by some old lady getting her hair cut. Of all the things I've heard said of the great horror, nothing seemed to me to sum it up as well as a woman chatting with a man as he cut her hair in New York. The TV was on, CNN. They stopped and watched the latest video of surging waves crashing through a hotel. The man sighed and shook his head. "Life is terrible," he said. The woman said, "Oh it's beautiful, beautiful, but full of pain." The land that had nourished him and had borne him fruit now turned against him and called him a fruit. Man, I hate land like that. But there are great stories that come out of a disaster like this, and they make it all worth while, because people enjoy these stories -- as does Peggy, who apparently isn't a people. "Did you hear about the baby they found floating on a mattress?" "Did you hear about the 2-year-old Swedish kid they found wandering down a street?" "Did you hear about the guys who floated on a refrigerator?" Did you hear about the model, the surfer, the snorkelers? People are fascinated by these stories, and so am I.  I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That was fun," I said. "You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's climb higher." "No," I said. "I think we should be heading back now." "We have time," Nick insisted. I said we didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back and forth like that for about 20 minutes, then finally decided to head back. I didn't say it was an interesting story. But SOME PEOPLE aren't properly using the tsunami as a source of faith-promoting stories (or as the topic of a Wall Street Journal column).  No, they are using it selfishly (and in an un-Republican manner), and this is almost making Peggy wish there hadn't even been a horrific natural disaster! Not everyone distinguished himself. What to say of those who've latched on to the tragedy to promote their political agendas, from the U.N. official who raced to call the U.S. "stingy," to the global-warming crowd, to administration critics who jumped at the chance to call the president insensitive because he was vacationing in Texas and didn't voice his sympathy quickly enough? Such people are slyly asserting their own, higher sensitivity and getting credit for it, which is odd because what they're actually doing is using dead people to make cheap points.  One summer I was a lifeguard.  I wasn't paid or anything, but whenever I saw somebody that looked like they needed help, I'd jump in and pull them out.  Also people that I didn't think were swimming the right way.  The real lifeguard tried to make me stop, but I think that was because I put up a big sign that said NUMBER OF PEOPLE SAVED by him and me, and he had only saved liketwo. However, Peggy was pleasantly surprised by how much more interesting CNN is when they have major tragedies to report on. The cable news networks distinguished themselves, and CNN in particular has been fabulous, wall to wall. News ennobles them. When there's no news CNN is endless chatter, tacky as cheap sets. Then news comes and they are reminded of why they exist: to tell us what's happening, to get the newest and latest. It's as if the anchors sit straighter, knowing they do have a purpose beyond being the aural screen saver on our TV. And another good thing about this disaster is that it can remind us of what is really important: that it didn't happen to us. The other night at dinner a friend wondered aloud if this almost-world-wide tragedy would have an impact on peace. Would it remind us of all we have in common, and how precious life is?  As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way. Now, it's time for the obligatory Ronald Reagan mention: this one is about how Ronnie claimed credit for the idea behind that old "Outer Limits" ep where the scientists turned Robert Culp into an alien to unite mankind. This reminded me of something Ronald Reagan used to say of all the conflicts in the world. He'd say that if the world were attacked by Martians tomorrow, we'd all come together, and it's too bad we couldn't manage to cut to the chase. This used to be taken as an example of his idiocy, but of course it's true. I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate.  And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it. And this, of course, reminds Peggy of how Steven Spielberg or somebody stole Ronnie's idea and used it for Independence Day, which made a lot money -- but they still said that Ronnie was an idiot. And that brings us to Peggy's idea for world peace (and she's actually not kidding) . . . (In a similar spirit, let me say that if Steven Spielberg went to the Mideast tomorrow, announced he was making a movie, and sent out a casting call for males age 12 to 30 he would immediately establish a new Mideast peace, at least for the length of the shoot. Because the only thing the young men there would rather do than kill each other is be a movie star. Hmmmm, a suicide bombing that raises my family's status in the neighborhood or a possible date with Cameron Diaz, let's see . . . Mr. Spielberg would also get a Nobel Peace Prize. I am actually not kidding.) I think a good way to get into a movie is to show up where they're  making the movie, then stick a big cactus plant onto you buttocks and start yowling and running around. Everyone would think it was funny, and the head movie guy would say, "Hey, let's put him in the movie." And, in conclusion, let's all remember that our enemy isn't the secularist commies who said "Happy Holidays," or those nasty U.N. jerks who don't appreciate America's  generosity even after our President says we'll give them a couple hundred bucks.  No, the real enemy is God and/or Mother Nature. And may we begin 2005 pondering how much we have in common, how down-to-the-bone the same we are, and how the enemy is not the guy across the fence but the tragedy of life. We should try to make it better. We should cut to the chase.  When I think of all the arguments Marta and I have had, I realize how silly most of them were. And it makes me wonder why she wanted to argue over such stupid things.  I think I'll go ask her. P.S.  As you probably already know, you can easily donate money to the Red Cross to help survivors of the earthquake and tsunamis at Amazon.com (you can donate with just one click if you already have an account set up there, which is really cool, and then you get an email confirmation); they have already collected almost $4,000,000.  As Amazon says: The American Red Cross reports that emergency assessment and first-aid teams were on the ground quickly and are already working with local groups to support relief efforts. Your financial donation will help provide medicine, clothing, food, and shelter for victims of the East Africa and South Asia earthquake and tsunami disaster. Thanks in advance for your participation during this critical time. There are many other worthy, reputable, and well-organized charitable groups that are already there with assistance, including my church, which is encouraging everyone to donate big for this effort this Sunday -- but Amazon is a really easy way to donate.  So, give what you can, to whichever group you want -- because a Peggy Noonan is a terrible thing to waste. 4:23:50 AM

The Conservative Lord of the Republican Rings The NRO Corner spent the day pondering the really important issues of the day, such as what could theoretically cause liberals to EVER like the Lord of the Rings trilogy.  John Hillen* was really into it . . .  NERD CREDS AND LOTR - I'M MISSING THE CONNECTION [John Hillen] [...]  I mean, really, I’ll donate $100 bucks to NRO if any reader can convince me that someone like a Michael Moore would have anything to like in this book. There are no fat, intellectually lazy, smart-mouthed, hypocritical, manipulating cowards in LOTR (not that MM is any of those, of course). Actually, there are – but they get killed by good guys. Even the skinny ones, like Grima Wormtongue. So, the offer is on. Why would a liberal like LOTR at all? No kooky interpretations of Bush being Sauron please. A sensible argument. Jonah can judge. Posted at 03:09 PM While John apparently gets to keep his $100, I do admire him for claiming that he would donate the money to the NRO, his employer, if somebody came up with a convincing argument.  See, aliberal would have said he was going to donate the money to the Red Cross (or some other group providing emergency relief to victims of the tsunami), because THEY would think that this was a good cause.  And that's why liberals can't enjoy LOTR properly -- because they don't actually relate to he concepts of altruism, morality and self-sacrifice. LIBERALS AND LOTR [John Hillen] Lots of good tries coming in about why a liberal would really groove on Lord of the Rings: - It’s anti-industrialization, anti-technology, pro- environmental themes (my take, I’ll buy it in part – but sort of side issue. If you’re really a first-rate GreenPeace’r then how do you get past all the other stuff (especially the violence) for a chapter or two of marauding Ents?) Green Peace is against violence in fantasy novels? - Lot’s of weed smoking. (my take – creative and funny, but nobody actually gets high or acts high in the book. I’m a cigar smoker so I could relate to the smoking too. Lots of beer drinking too….ahem…Jonah) And if John can relate to all the smoking in the books, then the liberals should hate Tolkein's work just that reason -- because it's obvious that smoking illegal substances is a liberal vice, while smoking manly, patriotic tobacco is a conservative virtue. - Liberals could compare all the nasty things to Amerika (my take - probably true – but I’m not buying it. I just don’t see how you can see Aragorn as a hippy – Even though Viggo Morgenstern tried his hardest to make the case. Thankfully his feebleness as an intellectual is inversely proportional to his talent in this role in the movie version). Because, of course, modern liberals are all drug-using, anti-American, unbathed hippies who probably think that Aragorn was played by Viggo Mortensen John demolishes a few more "reasons" why liberals might like LOTR, but this one is my favorite: - Revolutionary – a small group changing the world. (my take – good one. Except it’s us conservatives that are the minority revolutionaries. I guess that doesn’t stop a liberal from thinking he’s perpetually up against the Man). Um, yeah.  The conservatives (and Cornerites in particular) are the REAL minority revolutionaries in America. But John does admit that if he were actually going to donate that $100 to the NRO, it would have been in response to reader Matt, who said in part: 4.) Look, liberals play the pacifist, we hate violence game well. They talk about how much they hate war, and killing, and so forth. But they're liars. They're human, just like the rest of us, and LOTR (and other fantasy worlds) allows them to vicariously experience the violence that they need so badly, but can't ever express in public. It also allows them to disassociate violence and humans, because who cares if orcs die? That's another reason why only conservatives can truly enjoy the Lord of the Rings: because they know that Tolkein meant the orcs to represent the Islamofascists, and so the conservatives exult at each bloody orcan death. But back to John: See, you're thinking that liberals see themselves as we see them. They don't They see themselves as the courageous, adventurous heroes, fighting against the forces of darkness against overwhelming odds, but coming through somehow in the end. Posted at 04:59 PM When the truth is, of course, that CONSERVATIVES (and especially Bushites) are the courageous, adventurous heroes, fighting against the forces of darkness against overwhelming odds -- and each of them is handsome, brave, and noble, just like Aragorn, but also burdened by the heavy responsibility of being conservative, just like Frodo.   And while they get no thanks for heroically battling the subhuman Islamofascists (or for writing articles promoting the noble Iraq War and denouncing the traitorous left and middle who refuse to get excited about it -- which is the same thing as actually fighting), they can go to their graves knowing that they saved all of humanity in the end by getting their finger bit off by some homeless guy to whom they had refused to give some spare change *John is described modestly is by the NRO as "a contributing editor at National Review, [who] was a defense-policy adviser to the Bush campaign in 2000," but his full-page bio at the Foreign Policy Research Institute (where he's a Director), begins by calling him an "accomplished business leader, author, soldier, and policy expert."  He also a consultant to ABC News for military affairs.  So, obviously he knows a lot about the LOTR. 2:04:03 AM