January 20, 2005 by s.z.

The Unborn Responsible for Social Security Crisis, Says Bishop Our friend "Spin" Boldak sent us this item. **************** CrapWire 01/20/05: Human Achieves "Absolute Stupid" Bishop George Dallas McKinney is a man of many accomplishments. A noted Ph.D, author, theologian and spiritual advisor to President Bush, he was recently nominated to the post of Chaplain to the US Senate. He is also the first human being to achieve, outside of a controlled laboratory environment, the condition known to physicists as "Absolute Stupid" – the zero-calibration point for synaptic activity at which all intelligent thought ceases and is subsumed into a nearly-inaudible, low-frequency hum. In an article published on the Toronto-based Christian activist portal Lifesite.net, Dr. McKinney demolished all previous benchmarks for "void mentation," including the numerous instances of "cognitive nullness" which are annually documented and certified by the prestigious Darwin Awards. And I quote: "Part of the problem that we're seeing now with Social Security has to do with the fact that 40 to 50 million people who have been killed through abortions have not taken their role as productive citizens," Church of God in Christ Bishop George McKinney said, as reported by the AP. Truly, it leaves one breathless. Time is warped. Space is curved. DNA is twisted. But this guy is just plain bent. -- "Spin" Boldak ************* We just love this so much (both Bishop McKinney's idea, and Spin's presentation of it) that we think that the White House should make use of it as part of their campaign for Social Security privatization.  And the timing is perfect, since America just celebrated National Sanctity Of Human Life Day on Sunday.  ("On National Sanctity of Human Life Day, we celebrate the sacred gift of life.  Well, not Iraqi life, or soldiers without armed vehicles life, or convicts on death row life, or even poor kids without insurance life.  No, just unborn life, because that's the moral thing to do.")  Anyway, while we too believe in the sanctity of human life, we agree with the Pastor that  some of that life isn't paying it's fair share into Social Security: namely, the dead part (which would include not just all those aborted babies, but also children who died before they held jobs, as well as people who died before Social Security was enacted.  We suspect the unconceived are also not doing all they should to pay into this program.).  We demand that these groups start pulling their own weight, because Social Security is in crisis, and everyone must do their part to save it, including the dead. P.S. Brad  Reed (see below) told us that GOP USA also covered Bishop McKinney's statement.   Their story includes the following info: Bishop George Dallas McKinney, a governing board member with the Church of God in Christ (COGIC) which boasts 5.5 million members, told the Associated Press that he is not surprised to see Social Security is in trouble because an entire generation of future taxpayers was eliminated when baby boomer parents decided to abort these unwanted babies. Yes, an entire generation who should be paying taxes but aren't.  The slackers! McKinney added that the Democratic Party is steadily losing support from African-Americans because of their diehard support for immoral issues such as legalized abortion and gay marriage. We think that some of those unconceived children who also aren't paying taxes weren't born to couples in gay marriages.  So, abortion and gay marriage are responsible for the social security crisis.  (You should have suspected as much.) Anyway, speaking of African-American familes, it seems that the Bishop has a book out on that very subject!  Here's part of his press release about it: Out for release, in honor of Black History Month, Bishop George Dallas McKinney brings to light the modern day slave masters that are destroying today’s African-American families, through his book, “The New Slave Masters.” I guess the Bishop figured that achieving "absolute stupid" was the best way to promote it. Oh, and speaking of The Bishop  . . . Animated crime-series-type titles, with suitable music: 'C. OF E. FILMS' 'IN ASSOCIATION WITH THE SUNDAY SCHOOLS BOARD' 'PRESENT' 'THE BISHOP' 'STARRING THE REVEREND E. P. NESBITT' 'AND INTRODUCING F. B. GRIMSBY URQHART-WRIGHT AS THE VOICE OF GOD' 'SPECIAL EFFECTS BY THE MODERATOR OF THE CHURCH OF SCOTLAND' 'DIRECTED BY PREBENDARY "CHOPPER" HARRIS'  Exterior beautiful English church. Birds singing, a hymn being sung. Suddenly, sound of a high-powered car roaring towards the church. Screech of tires as a huge open-top American car screeches to a halt outside the church. The bishop leaps out. Behind him (as throughout the film) are his four henchmen... vicars with dark glasses. They wear clerical suits and dog collars. They leap out of their car and race up the drive towards the church. As they do so the hymn is heard to come to an end. Sound of people sitting down. Cut to interior of church. Vicar climbing up into pulpit. Cut back to exterior. The bishop and his vicars racing through the doors. Interior of church. Shot of vicar in pulpit. Vicar:  I take as my text for today... Cut to bishop and vicars at doorway. Bishop:  The text, vic! Don't say the text! Cut back to vicar. Vicar: Leviticus 3-14. . . The pulpit explodes. Vicar disappears in smoke, flying up into the air. Cut to close-up of the bishop. Behind him there is smoke and people rushing about. Sound of people scrambling over pews in panic etc. Bishop:  We was too late. The Reverend Grundy bit the ceiling. And that is how we can save social security. 5:00:20 AM

The Emily Litella Report So, a "dirty blonde" threat in Boston.  I think it is just horrible, scaring people that way.  But I was under the impression that Ann Coulter returned home home after being fired by USA Today for her coverage of the Democratic convention, and no longer posted a threat to the fine folks of Boston.  Oh, you said BOMB.  That's different.  Never mind. Anyway, Brad Reed, who is returning home to Boston, has the situation under control.  But I bet he wishes now that he'd purchased one of those Personal Apocalypse Detectors from WorldNetDaily! Oh, and we note that the threat originated in San Diego -- which is where TBogg lives (not that we're implying anything, of course).  But if anybody could alert this country to the danger posed by Ann Coulter, it would be him.  3:02:53 AM

Keeping America Safe One of the organizations reportedly calling upon President Bush to make his daughters wear some clothes (see below) is also trying to protect video store clerks from the sexually transmitted diseases they could contract by touching the merchandise(the movies, I mean).  Jesus' General has the whole story -- and he also wrote a nice letter to the organization's Witchfinder General, who hasn't replied, as far as I know. Anyway, this group, the American Family Association, is going even farther to protect America from the infection these films can cause.  Here's part of the WorldNetDaily story about their latest campaign: A pro-family organization has started a campaign to make sure pornographic videos don't infect hundreds of Hollywood Video stores after the company's merger with Movie Gallery. The American Family Association predicts Movie Gallery's porn rooms will soon be added to small-town Hollywood Video outlets. A merger agreement between Movie Gallery and Hollywood Entertainment Corporation was announced last week.  [...] [Randy Sharp, director of special projects for AFA] says he hopes Hollywood stockholders will take note of what Movie Gallery does with the company once it takes over. "American families will not allow this kind of toxic perversion and its resulting atrocities to invade their small towns, and Joe Malugen, the rising king of porn, should take note of appointed Attorney General Albert Gonzales' pledge to focus on obscenity enforcement," Sharp said. Okay, I admit that that the thing that caught my attention in this story wasn't really the bit about pornographic movies invading small towns and infecting nice Hollywood Video stores with toxic perversion (even though the idea of The Sound of Music catching the clap from Tits of Fury is kind of amusing).  No, I was struck by the part about Alberto Gonzales (or Albert, as he's apparently known to his peeps in the American Family Association) pledging to focus on cracking down on pornos.  I guess  9/11 really did change everything, and this means that we should forget about the quaint and obsolete Bill of Rights, and torture adult books store owners until they tell the feds when the copies of Yank My Doodle, It's A Dandy and Topless Brain Surgeons will be in, who stars in Brassiere to Eternity, and the basic plot of Once, Twice, Three Times a Labia .  And then they will have to take the films home and waterboard them until they confess to being bad, bad movies. NOTE: I got the porno titles from this site, which says they are among the 100 Worst (titles, that is).  And that they are real titles of real porno movies.  I cannot vouch for either of these claims.  Especially not with the DOJ focusing on this kind of stuff. 2:21:53 AM

Jenna and NotJenna: Jezebels or Mere Harlots?  TBogg  has the story.  We have the sexy paperdolls.  1:11:19 AM