February 16, 2005 by s.z.

The End of Civilization As We Know It, Again As you may have heard, Matt Drudge is calling for a jihad against Hollywood for choosing Chris Rock to host the Academy Awards ceremony.  Matt denounced Rock for his use of profanity, his making a joke about abortion, and for implying that only men like Matt (you know, idiots) even watch the Oscars.  Today Matt links to stories at Entertainment Weekly, E! Online, and The Hollywood Reporter which cite his column.  The outside articles basically say that the Academy thinks that Rock is funny, that Rock won't be doing his nightclub act so everyone should just chill, and that Drudge should get a life, come out of the closet, and stop giving Rock a hard time just because Ann Coulter won't let him wear her ball gowns. (Okay, that last part was only hinted at.) Oh, and the producer for this year's Oscars, Gil Gates, added, 'You can't hire a pit bull and expect a poodle to show up."  Which seems to mean that Gil is, in real life, Doug Giles. Anyway, I was channel surfing Monday night and caught part of Matt's appearance on "Hannity & Other Guy."  Matt really seemed worked up about Rock -- he even made Sean look semi-sane by comparison.  While Matt tried to frame this as a major battle in the culture wars (it's apparently proof that Hollywood hates you and your values, and wants to force you to have casual sex and abortions while teaching your innocent children the f-word), it seemed like his biggest problem was Rock's remark about never having watched the Oscars because he's straight.  (Implying, of course, that only gays watch the Oscars, and therefore, gays shouldn't be allowed to get married, run internet sites, or wear dopey hats.) I really seemed like Drudge was trying to make this into a crusade.  The editor of Crooks & Liars was also watching, and got a similar impression.  He notes: This is clearly an orchestrated move. I only hope that the Oscars and Rock don't cave in to this idiot and the pressure that he and his followers will try and apply. C&L has the video, a bit of a transcript, and a link to a TalkLeft post on the same topic. While it's clear that Drudge is trying to make this into a big deal, it could be more about payback than about Drudge's concern for American's innocent tikes and zygotes.  Back in March 2003, when Drudge reported that Dream Works had pressured Rock not to make any cracks about President Bush before Head of State hit the theaters, Rock said, "I don't know Matt Drudge, I never met Matt Drudge, but if I see Matt Drudge, I'm going to take my red-blooded American foot and put it up his un-American ass for trying to disrupt the opening of my movie." So, this attempt to get Rock fired from the Oscars could be due to Drudge's wounded feelings (either at Rock's remark about kicking him in the ass, or about how Rock never calls him and talks about his ass).  Or it could be about getting Drudge back in the spotlight (on "Hannity and Nonentity"  he did mention how he and his got that Reagan miniseries removed from CBS's schedule, and that was probably the last glory day he had) .  Or it could be about Drudge's friends wanting to divert attention from other things going on in the country.  In any case, it does seem to be an attempt to stir up both the Christian right and the homosexuals. But will it work? Here's part of a Corner post: ROCKING THE WRONG HOUSE [K. J. Lopez ] Oh, man. I just got a press release from a pro-life group condemning Chris Rock and calling for him to be ditched from the Academy Awards for his abortion remark during one of his stand-up acts. That's a mistake. Many people e-mailed me yesterday with the Drudge link about abortion, presumably to blast him. But why would I? First off, he was doing a joke routine—vulgar, inflammatory, and in terribly bad taste, but it was comedy, not a political treatise. [...] A little more on the Rock thing tomorrow on your favorite website, btw.) Posted at 03:50 PM So, Matt has got the American Life League on his side, but can't even manage to persuade Kathryn Jean. I don't think that's a good sign for the forces of decency, hate, and the advancement of gay men who like to watch the Oscars. 6:31:13 AM

America's Stupidest Books, and the Women Who Read Them A Meghan Cox Gurdon is a terrible thing to waste.  So, when TBogg used only one passage from America's Worst Mother™ this week, Sunnie, who has recommenced blogging at Femme Fetal, jumped in to meet our AWM needs. Thanks, Sunnie! And speaking of Meghan, she had a little piece in the Valentine's Day edition of the Washington Examiner (which can be found on bus station racks all over the D.C metro area, right next to the trash cans). Meghan's column is about self-help books.  She starts with an anecdote about her friends Amy and Charles, and how they experienced a "marriage breakthrough."  It seems that one day Amy happened to pick up the copy of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus that her mother gave her, and decided to share a passage with Charles. "It says here," she told her husband scornfully, "that a man thinks of himself as the king of his household, and of his wife as the queen. Isn't that ridiculous?" Her husband blinked. "No. It's true." Amy was nonplussed and sputtering. "But but all these years I always thought we were partners, equals, co-chairs, even-steven!" "We are equal," said the king, "but we are not the same." The effect of this revelation was astonishing, Amy says. Imagining her husband in his ermine robes, she suddenly felt more appreciative of him, less irritated when his inclinations departed from hers, and considerably more yin-like to his yang, which is always fun. Yes, apparently Meghan has America's Stupidest Friends.  Anyway, I'm guessing that the breakthrough came when Queen Amy demanded that King Charles wear his ermine robes to the block party to impress the peasant neighbors, and King Charles had Amy beheaded so he could marry a younger, hotter woman named Anna Nicole Boleyn. But Meghan's thesis in this piece is that evil feminists have so destroyed common sense in women that they need stupid books like Men Are From Mars, Women Can't Do Math to teach them the stuff they should have learned from their barefoot, pregnant mothers.  But now American womenhood is rejecting "feminism's false promises" and reading "mortifyingly-titled books" like Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others; Stop Getting Dumped! All You Need to Know to Make Men Fall Madly in Love with You and Marry "The One" in 3 Years or Less; and "Dr." Laura Schlessinger's Give Your Husband Oral Sex, You Bitch. Meghan says: The reason these books are so embarrassing is that their messages are so obvious -- and yet, so perversely fresh. Men are From Mars is still selling briskly at 14 million copies. Dr. Laura's Proper Care and Feeding has sold even more, and "The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing Mr. Right" by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider has clocked 4 million. Another reason these books are so embarrassing is that the authors are such poor examples of what they preach.  After all, didn't John Gray get divorced from fellow marriage expert Barbara De Angelis (author of Secrets About Men Every Woman Should Know: John Gray Has a Teeny Wienie)? Didn't Dr. Laura get her start in the radio business by caring for and feeding somebody else's husband? And didn't The Rules co-author Sherrie Schneider get divorced, and blame it on her dentist? To answer your questions: Yes, yes, and read part of this story about Schneider: The writer who lectured millions of women on "time-tested secrets for capturing the heart of Mr. Right" has now blamed the break-up of her marriage on her dentist. [...] The revelation that what Fein calls her "gigantic teeth" led to the end of a 16-year marriage has provoked mirth in New York, where many young women still follow her advice to ensnare eligible bachelors. But Meghan has more on the books' "curious genius": The grimly unpoetic, baldly explanatory titles of these books amount to a small silver hammer tap-tap-tapping women on the forehead as if to say, "Wakey, wakey! Everything. Gloria. Steinem. Ever. Said. Was. Wrong." Men like to chase women (don't phone them). Men like to chase women (don't sleep with them on the first date). Men like to chase women (never accept a date for Saturday night on Saturday morning -- really). And if a man seems lukewarm? He is! Move on! Um, I'm not an expert on "radical feminism," but I don't think Gloria Steinem ever told women to accept last minute dates, or waste their time on men who aren't into them. But Meghan thinks that He's Just Not That Into You contains a "profound truth," much like Jesus's bestseller Love Thy Neighbor as Thyself: 10 Radical Ways to Meet Men. Just as Jesus' injunction to "love thy neighbor as thyself" contains manifold worlds within it, so "he's just not that into you" cuts, with through the whole hideous tangled panoply of bad boyfriend behavior. With that one phrase, authors Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo douse innumerable heated female theories about men having "commitment issues," or "emotional baggage," or "busy schedules." Nope. He's just not that into you. I bet Gloria Steinham is mad as hell to learn how wrong she was to tell women to stick with lukewarm men, because they just have comitment issues and emotional baggage. So here we are on Valentine's Day, a holiday devoted to promoting romantic aspirations and the ecstatic union of lovers, and you know that millions of women (and men, but we are talking dames here) will be spending the day feeling gloomy and thwarted and lovelorn. Many are wives who are preemptively annoyed that their husbands will forget the dozen roses, and will be resentful when they do remember because the gifts are unimaginative. Quelle waste of time! Far better to slip into a bookstore some time today and lurk for a while in the section where Dr. Laura, John Gray, and Ellen Fein are found. There, behind lurid typeface and embarrassing bright pink covers, and expressed in simple, fourth-grade prose, lies wisdom. And even better than that, try writing your own lurid, pink-covered, fourth-grade level book.  Or at least some mortifying titles.  Here are mine (well, some are real books, and I made up some of them -- see if you can guess which are which): Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl-A Woman's Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship Why Men Pay Dominatrixes: Using Your Bitchiness for Fun and Profit Men Only Want One Thing: The Single Girl's Guide to Understanding Men as the Dogs They Are Mr. Right, Right Now! : How a Smart Woman Can Land Her Dream Man in 6 Weeks Land A Man and Trick Him Into Marriage!:  Beyond Fake Pregnancies and Green Cards Men Are Like Fish: What Every Woman Needs to Know About Catching a Man Men Are Like Deer: How to Stalk Them, Capture Them, and Gut Them How to Make a Man Fall in Love with You : The Fail-Proof, Fool-Proof Method How To Force A Man To Love You, Marry You, and Be Your Head Red Flags!: How to Know When You're Dating a Loser Felony Convictions!: How to Know When You're Dating One of the FBI's Most Wanted Ten Stupid Books Women Read to Mess Up Their Lives Men Are From Home Depot, Women Are From Victoria's Secret, Nerds Are From Radio Shack, Hoodies Are From Old Navy And More!  (If you think of them.) But I think we've learned an important lesson from all of this: what Meghan is reading at night while the husband is banging his secretary. Next time: James Lileks shares some of his favorite books about eliminating ring around the collar, removing waxy buildup, and baking with Spry.  4:14:04 AM

Who Said It? Yes, our first Mystery Guest from last time was James Lileks.  And here's some info from Webster Hubble Telescope (who blogs at Mobjectivist) about that photo of the dorky-looking kid who may be a young Jimmy: I scanned a photo of a mystery man out of the U. of Minnesota's student newspaper The Mn. Daily from April 1, 1982.  Lileks edited this humor issue (see second image) and I believe included an anonymous picture of himself, perhaps from when he was a freshman. Notice the shielding of his forehead with his hand, thus preventing overexposing the film. Another dead giveaway that Lileks was directly involved in the writing -- look at the text below the photo and see a very early, almost Pre-Cambrian, reference to a Target store. The picture appears to be staged between Murphy Hall (J-School) and Lind Hall (Eng school) on the Twin Cities campus:Second Image: Masthead from the issue, demonstrating his typical e.e. cummings touch: We appreciate Mr. Telescope's efforts to shed some light on Lileks' early years (if we can understand where he went wrong, perhaps we can keep other bigheaded young humorists from turning to the dark side), as well as the possible sighting of a very early example of Lileks' fixation on Target. Our second mystery guest was Ollie North, one of Fox News' best convicted felons.  Courtesy of Bill S., who first mentioned it, here is the transcript of that SNL skit: HYMN OF THE MUTE MARINE [open on Oliver North-played by guest host William Shatner-surrounded by seven other Marines in front of a huge American flag] [sung to the tune of "Ballad of the Green Berets"] "Fighting soldier in Vietnam The perfect son to any mom He's one part man One part machine He's Ollie North The Mute Marine. Mined the harbor of Managua. Planned the invasion of Grenada. But soon cruel fate would intervene And he'd become the Mute Marine. He traded arms with Iran For hostages -- What a great plan! The chances for success were zero And yet he's still a national hero. Two Swiss accounts were in his name Diverted funds -- but who's to blame? The time had come to tell his tale Here's what he said t'stay out of jail --" Oliver North: [repeatedly opens his mouth to speak, but nothing comes out] "He'd like to talk but cannot speak. His will is strong His case is weak We may never know just what he's seen. The man they call the Mute Marine."   Now wasn't that inspiring? Anyway, kudos to niucons for naming BOTH of our Mystery Guests.  We think that this qualifies him for a job writing homey columns about his household chores and his young insect for the Min. Star; the columns will later be the basis of a TV program on Fox News about our armed forces. Now, who said this? 1.  You may remember that "liberal Philadelphia Inquirer" columnist John Grogan chastised me over the Villanova controversy. We then invited Grogan on the program. He sent back this reply: "Thank you for the invite. Unfortunately, I am unable to do this tonight." OK. We get rejections like that all the time, and our standard reply is the person is hiding under his or her desk. You've heard me say that. Well, Grogan writes today that I was lying, he was not hiding under his desk, he just had something else to do. I'm lying? Another example of a complete distortion by a writer who should know better. [...] This lying stuff is used to marginalize people and try to hurt them, and it's bad. However, saying that people are hiding under their desks if they refuse to appear on one's TV program is GOOD, because it's used to mainstream people and to make them feel warm and fuzzy. 2.  It can’t be overemphasized that conservatives are at a disadvantage in efforts to return our culture to a balance because we refuse to use the tactics of the Hard Left.  We play by the rules.  Meanwhile the opposition runs around flattening our tires with ice picks.  It’s no wonder the conservative bus never seems to leave the station.  At this unique time in our political history when we have the power for but a brief time, won’t we make some much-needed changes that benefit us? Hint: This guy played by the rules so well that his former employer sought to confiscate the royalties from his first book because he had disregarded his confidentiality pledge in writing it.  The book, which was full of unsubstantiated allegations and ludicrous rumors (including one about a Christmas tree decorated with drug paraphenalia, sex toys, and condoms) was described by one reviewer as a "former G-man's sleazy White House memoir [which] raises questions -- again -- about the book industry's sloppy standards." 3:30:23 AM