February 14, 2005 by s.z.

The REAL Meaning of the "Jeff Gannon" Story It proves the existance of God.  That is, per noted theologian The Poor Man: Think about it: what are the chances that a media whore like Gannon would turn out to be an actual whore? It's impossible. It boggles the mind how infinitely unlikely this is. It's like if you found someone pirating CDs, and it turns out he actually had a peg leg and a parrot on his shoulder and sailed around the Caribbean saying "arrrrrr!" and plundering booty. You wouldn't believe it. But there it is: impossible, but true. Impossible truths are miracles, and only God can work miracles. Ergo, God exists. Q.E.D. Indeed.  In fact, indeed indeed. And speaking of "indeed," once again, I have to wonder at why Glenn Reynolds told Howie Kurtz: "If I were a member of the White House press corps, I'd be really worried. [...]  If being involved in a dubious business venture is disqualifying, I suspect a lot of people have a lot to be worried about." Just what is there in Glenn's life that would cause him to worry about the investigative tactics of "despicable" liberal bloggers if he were a member of the White House Press corps?  What "dubious business ventures" are there in his background? Oh, and speaking of people who are always forthright and honest, here's part of what Scottie McClellan told Editor & Publisher recently: Although his office handles credentials, McClellan said he did not find out that "Gannon" was an alias, or that Talon News had political party links, until recently, when blogs and news organizations began to question Guckert's credentialing. "I checked into it more recently," he told E&P, adding that "the president didn't know who he was." McClellan also said he did not believe Bush knew Bobby Eberle, the owner of GOPUSA.com and Talon News, despite the fact that Eberle is a Texas Republican activist and was a delegate to the 2000 GOP convention.  "I don't think he has ever known him; I don't think he has ever met him," McClellan told E&P. "I have never asked the president, but I don't think so." Okay, this is what we can conclude from Scottie's statements: 1.  When Scottie said earlier that he knew that he "heard at some point, yes -- previously" that Jeff Gannon wasn't actually named Jeff Gannon, he meant that he learned it "recently."  And we can probably assume that Scottie learned how "Jeff" supplemented his Talon News paycheck either "previously," or "recently," or "this issue has already been covered and this Administration is forward looking not backward looking, so we're not going to answer, and we're NOT gay, and we hate you." 2.  Scottie "doesn't believe" and "doesn't think" that George Bush, Republican, former governor of Texas, knows Bobby Eberle, Texas Republican activist.  And finding out for sure would be, you know, tacky, so he's not going to even ask.  3.  Does Eberle know George Bush Sr?  Only a blog would be so despicable as to wonder about such a thing, so it never even came up. 6:42:41 PM

My, My, My! They have a bunch of interesting photos at http://americablog.blogspot.com/2005/02/man-called-jeff.html. (Probably okay for work if you labor in a tolerant, black-bar-over-naughty-bits friendly environment, but don't look at it with the kiddies.) So, it seems that when "Jeff Gannon" said that he was just a web development entrepreneur who registered those sexually-oriented websites for a "client" (and that the sites never had any content), he may have been a tad untruthful.  But, of course, when he says that nobody told him what questions to ask at press conferences, that he has never been paid by a politician, and that his family was threatened by mean liberal bloggers, we should totally believe him. And it also seems that his idea of what a "fitness trainer" does may not be what the readers of "The Conservative Guy" envisioned by the phrase (we now wonder what the phrase "union truck driver" really means): Ex-USMC Jock: Available for hourly, overnight, weekend or longer travel - OUT ONLY! Personal Trainer: Safe-Sane-Strenuous-Satisfying workouts, Sports training, and competition, especially wrestling.... Big SPORTS Fan: Will go to the game with you, then take you home and.... "AGGRESIVE, VERBAL, DOMINANT TOP" I DON'T LEAVE MARKS....ONLY IMPRESSIONS But this is the part that we found most shocking (we didn't click on any of the links, because we shock easily): The site also contains a third page, called “Bulldog.htm.” (The bulldog is recurring theme on the site.) On this page we learn that Jeff is available as a travel companion, a workout partner/trainer, an event companion (“Want to see the Orioles, Caps, Wizards, or ‘Skins?”), tour guide, and bodyguard. "Jeff/Bulldog" apparently charged $1200 for a weekend, and an hourly rate of $200  Is THIS the kind of thing that Doug Giles was referring to in his column about raising pit bull children? Anyway, we're glad that Jeff has become a Christian through the blood of Jesus Christ, because otherwise he might be in danger of going to hell.  You know, for lying. (We'll let you crack the jokes about what all this says about the White House Press Office.) 3:09:54 PM

Happy Valentine's Day We posted this last year, but we hope to make it an annual holiday tradition.   Bitterest Day A survey indicates that 78% of Americans are currently in a romantic relationship (and since we saw this on "Pop-Up Videos," it must be accurate). For these people, there is Valentine’s Day, a time to show your loved one just how much you care by buying him or her a tacky gift and a pre-printed card. And while some cynics maintain that the holiday was invented by Fanny Farmer and FTD, we shouldn’t forget the person for whom the day is named, Saint Valentine, the Christian martyr who was shot by gangsters in a garage in Chicago over a shipment of bootleg Whitman’s Samplers. Don’t get the wrong idea; we approve of Valentine’s Day, if only because a holiday celebrating romance is better than one honoring some of the other major forces in American society, like gun violence or litigation or daytime TV. (True, it often seems that these activities are actually more popular than romance, but until the Pope names, say, a patron saint of Shooting Sprees, we probably won’t have to worry about buying a heart-shaped box of ammo for that Special Someone.) Nevertheless, we don’t think it’s quite fair that couples get Valentine’s Day AND Sweetest Day, the third Saturday in October (described as "A day to honor and be kind to one’s sweetheart"). While Sweetest Day has never really caught on with shoppers (despite the urging of florists, who fail to see much Halloween business) it is still listed on most calendars and celebrated by many parochial schools. So, since people who need people are the luckiest people in the world, we think that it’s only right that the 22% of the populace who are NOT in a relationship get a holiday of their own. Thus, for everyone who won’t be getting flowers, a diamond, or dinner and an amateur strip show this February 14th and will not be depending on the kindness of familiars on the 20th of October, we would like to propose a special day, just for us. We call it Bitterest Day. Bitterest Day, celebrated on the 15th of February, will be the official anti-romance holiday. It will be a legal holiday, involving time off work with full pay, but only for those who are nobody because nobody loves them. Its motto will be, "I may not be appealing to the opposite sex, but I DO have money to spend on consumer goods." Let us now explain some of the customs and traditions of this newest American holiday: Cards We all know that one of the most important parts of Valentine's Day is those frilly, mushy, overpriced bits of cardboard which all spouses and sweethearts are required to buy, under penalty of "not getting any."  Bitterest Day also has its cards. But you don't send them to that Special Someone. No, you send them to one member of that Special Twosome. Indeed, you choose the cutest, sweetest, ickiest couples you can think of, and "Care enough to send the very worst." And although you may address the card to Marsha, your intended audiences is John (or vice versa). After all, they DO share everything, right? Here are a couple sample cards: Front cover: When you left, you took my heart. But you left behind . . . Inside: THESE! (Attached is a pair of crotchless panties.) Front cover: How do you make love last forever? Inside: I don't know. But I DO know how to make you pay for it for 18 years. (Attached are authentic-looking paternity test results.) Food While lovers get 5-pound boxes of chocolates and expensive candlelit dinners at French restaurants, what do WE, the non-adored get? Well, we also get expensive dinners at French restaurants. This is how it works. You call up "Danny," your ex-boyfriend, and you tell him that you read in Ann Landers that it's "Reconciliation Day" today, and you want to invite him to sup at Chez l'Imbecile to demonstrate that you've "gotten beyond" everything. Mention that you also want to invite Klamidia, the stewardess he dumped you for, since you know she must be a special lady. When they arrive, tell them that this is a special occasion, and urge them to order the most expensive things on the menu—you do the same. During dinner, offer small talk such as, "I'm so happy to see that the two of you are still together. It's rare to see somebody forgive the person who gave them . . .oh, but I shouldn’t be talking about periodic discharge at the dinner table!" And, "Danny, I have such special memories of our time together--I think of them whenever I watch the videos. Hey, have you heard about those websites where they pay for amateur bedroom tapes? Kind of intriguing, huh?" Then, while they are enjoying dessert, get up to "powder your nose." Keep on walking right out of the restaurant, leaving the check for them. Worried about repercussions? On Bitterest Day, there are none. It's the law. Jewelry Get something that lasts even longer than a diamond. A tattoo. Flowers Okay, maybe you won’t be getting two dozen red roses, but that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy nature’s bounty. As a celebrant of Bitterest Day, you’ll get your fill of posies by spending time in a floral shop—whichever floral shop used the most annoying Valentine’s Day ad this year. (My nominee is the one that cautions "Don’t break her heart this Valentine’s Day—get her the roses she deserves, if you really care.")  On February 15th, the florist will be exhausted, stressed, and probably suffering from methamphetamine withdrawal. So, use Bitterest Day to choose massively complicated flower arrangements for your upcoming wedding! Surely you’ll need to look at LOTS of design books and at TONS of samples to plan the floral arrangements for the extravaganza your daddy, the Senator, will be giving his little girl. And since you are something of a bubble brain, you will have a hard time remembering just exactly what they call those white blossoms that you’ve always dreamed of for your bouquet. ("Bougainvillea? Tuberoses? No, wait, I think they’re called carnations!")  After five or six hours, when you have finally gotten everything settled, call your fiancé and tell him the plans. Sputter, stutter, mutter some profanities, and finally yell, "Then the wedding is OFF!" and slam down the phone. Inform the florist that you could never marry a man who didn’t love baby’s breath as much as you do. But feel no need to apologize for wasting the petal monger’s time–for you’ve just helped another curmudgeon learn the true meaning of Bitterest Day! Which brings us to... Bitterest Day Holiday Specials Let’s face it; we all lead rushed, harried lives that leave little time for the simple joys of an old-fashioned holiday celebration. That’s where the media comes in, since it often takes a showing of "It’s a Wonderful Life," or "Frosty the Snowman" before we can begin to feel the Christmas spirit. So it is with Bitterest Day. Of course, in our version of the typical Rankin-Bass animated special, Frosty has NERVE-ENDINGS, and he screams as he melts. Screams quite a lot, until the children who pranced so gaily around him are left pale and shaken, and his last, whispered words, "I’ll be BACK again, someday...!" haunts the dreams of all who witnessed his hideous demise. For the adults, meanwhile, there’s that Bitterest Day perennial, "The Bishop’s Wife," in which an angel is sent to Earth to restore a churchman’s wavering faith, and help him to erect a cathedral. In short order, the angel cuckolds the hapless cleric, then hatches a ghost payrolling scheme with the mobbed-up local union boss to funnel the construction funds to an offshore account, leaving the Bishop behind to face charges of peculation while the angel and the Bishop’s wife enjoy an extradition-free life on Grand Cayman. So, in conclusion, we urge you to open your heart to Bitterest Day, the one day a year in which it’s okay to be an old maid living with nine cats, or a quiet loner with a large collection of guns and porn. For the most important part of Bitterest Day is feeling good about yourself as a person in your own right, and realizing that you don’t have to be part of a couple in order to be okay. Plus, on Bitterest Day, you don’t have to wear anything that makes you look like a prostitute Care Bear, and can wander around your dusty house in the tattered remains of a wedding dress without enduring any snide references to "Great Expectations." So get on the phone to Merlin Olson today, and say it with Bitterness. 4:45:23 AM

It's Like Rain on Your Wedding Day Today we tell the story of  Brian Bates, a man who has dedicated his life to fighting prostitution, "the world's oldest abuse of women."  Here's the first part of his story (a cached copy of a Court TV piece approvingly chosen for the "In Truth" newswire): Girls on film: Video Vigilante catches prostitution on tape  [...] Armed with only a video camera, Bates began scouring his neighborhood in search of prostitution. It wasn't hard to find. In lieu of seedy motels or "out-calls," in which prostitutes visit Johns in their homes, many would simply service their customers in public spaces — from parks to grocery store parking lots to neighborhood cul-de-sacs. This glut of smut quickly led to Bates' first bust ever, when he videotaped a prostitute orally servicing a man in 1996. Since then, he has caught more than 200 prostitutes in the act over the past six years. Most of his busts have lead to conviction, but the law is not Bates' only recourse: He has even mailed tapes of his busts to the Johns' wives and alerted the employers of Johns he caught being serviced in company cars. [...] Bates now works full time as the Video Vigilante, and supports himself through television appearances (he has become a fixture on the Maury Povich show) and through the proceeds of a video tape he sells of the busts. And here's part two of the story (from SmokingGun.com): Prostitution Vigilante Hooked For Pimping   FEBRUARY 9--An Oklahoma man who has gained national exposure for his "video vigilante" campaign to expose street prostitution in his hometown was arrested yesterday for allegedly paying hookers to ensure that they serviced customers in an area where he could easily film the illicit trysts. According to the below Oklahoma City Police Department report, Brian Bates, 34, orchestrated the public encounters so he could peddle the resulting videotape to media outlets (some of Bates's surveillance tapes are offered for sale on his web site). In his dealings with prostitutes, Bates was choosy, investigators contend. For example, if a john was a "regular," Bates asked prostitutes to give "specific signals" so he would know not to bother rolling tape. Investigators also noted that, like any good auteur, Bates "gave direction to the prostitutes on how to complete the act with a high probability of success," as well as tips on how to spot an undercover cop Bates was hit with a felony pandering charge and a misdemeanor count of aiding in prostitution. The pandering rap, which is usually reserved for pimps, carries a minimum two-year jail term, and a maximum of 20 years in the stir. Brian's site, Video Vigilante, includes a page called "Busted!" which details the arrest records of johns picked up due to Brian's videos.  Go to SmokingGun.com to see the police record of Brian's arrest. (Thanks to Anntichrist S. Coulter for the tip.) 4:33:25 AM

Who Said It? Young Jedi, you did well on our Townhall Challenge.  Here is the list of who said what, and who was first to identify who said what.  #1.  Mike Adams.  IDed by Bill S.   #2.  Ben Shapiro.   IDed by Clif. #3.  Ann Coulter.  IDed by Bill S., who noted that the Adam's apple gave her away. #4.   Michelle Malkin.  IDed by Auguste of MalkinWatch   #5.  Dennis Prager.  IDed by caj. #6.    Doug Giles.  IDed by merl, whose check from last time is in the mail.  Really.  You have Jeff Gannon's word on that. All of our winners get this brief selection from Doug's latest column "Raising Pit Bull Children," which appears to be a recycled chapter from his 1998 mega-nonbestseller, Do You Have Mange? ... er, I mean Do You Have a Pit Bull Attitude? One reason we’re seeing a decline of kids with excellent and courageous Pit Bull attitudes is because Pit Bull adults are marrying folks who aren’t Pit Bulls.  Some Pit Bulls are actually marrying noisy narcissistic Poodles! For a Pit Bull to marry anything other than a Pit Bull is a stupid mistake.  These bizarre unions give birth to offspring that doesn’t carry the deep gameness that a solid union of like animals would, so we end up with diluted, weaker specimens because of the mixtures of the different attitudes.  Yes, it is through his breeding program that Doug managed to win the 1999 and 2003 Westminster dog shows with his Pit Bull Kids. Now, Who Said This? 1.  It's bad enough that we have to kill the Taliban, but must we employ men who enjoy sending them to the pits of heck? That seems to be the reaction to the unguarded comments of Lt. Gen. James Mattis. [...] Predictably, his remarks gave some the vapors. But this is a surprise? Would you prefer some Leslie Howard type who puts down his flower and sighs his soldierly lament: "Oh, many are the times I've had a fellow in my sights but stayed my hand, as I've contemplated the forces of history that brought me to this sad, battered land. As I looked down the scope, I imagined that I saw him look at me, and in our gaze we posed the same question to each other. He is the foe, yea, but he was once some mother's child. Of course you could say the same thing about the chap whose head he just sawed off. But once you start, where do you stop? So I just try to graze them a little, or shoot them in one of those organs you can do without." Hint:  Webster Hubble Telescope (who blogs at Mobjectivist) found what may be an early photo of our mystery pundit in a student paper (humor edition) from 1982.  If the image doesn't suggest anyone to you, look for clues in the text beneath it. And who said this? 2.  There is a lesson in all of this, and not just for CNN, but for all the media. Jordan's disparaging duplicity wasn't exposed by the barons of broadcasting or the potentates of print, but by "amateurs" -- bloggers -- the same "unwashed masses" who brought down Dan Rather. These e-mailing, Web-surfing, call-'em as you see-'em bloggers are the electronic equivalent of the pamphleteers who brought about our revolution. Today, they "pass the word" faster than an official spokesman can draft a denial. They are the small "d" democrats of the new "news business" -- and more believable to many than what is presented on the tube or in the paper. Hint: This advocate of free speech was the subject of a memorable "Saturday Night Live" skit in which he was portrayed by William Shatner. 1:26:49 AM