February 25, 2005 by s.z.

America's Worst Mother® Pregnancy Watch (A feature suggested by the comments of M.S., and conducted in honor of TBogg, America's best writer of Jonah Goldberg slash fan fiction). To recap, the clues so far: Dec 23 P.S: I never did meet a man in epaulets who could fly me into Mogadishu.  Obviously code for "My husband doesn't give me orgasms, the bastard." Jan 14 That evening after supper, my husband and I are sitting on the edge of our massive new bed with an air of hypnosis. "A real bed," I say redundantly. "Wow," my husband says. "It's so...solid." Presumably, the new bed and the lack of anything to talk about lead to sex. Feb 11 "Mummy, why do you keep yawning?" ... "Stomach trouble," my husband supplies. ... There is a pause around the table, and then Violet asks: "Is it a frog?" "In her stomach?" ... Suddenly, I find I cannot finish my orange juice. "Okay, children," I say as soon as I can speak, "clear your places and scram. Please." Uh oh, morning sickness!  But that was kind of quick, wasn't it?  So maybe Meghan and husband got the bed (and had the sex) a month or two before she wrote the column about it.  Or maybe the frog in her stomach was actually conceived on another occasion, possibly when the husband came home drunk from his office Christmas party and thought Meghan was somebody else. Or hey, maybe Meghan does start to feel unwell a month after getting knocked up -- I'm sure she'll tell us all about it later. Now the item for today: Feb 25 The first paragraph warned easily nauseated readers to read no further, and being somewhat delicate these days, I obeyed. ... Happy, queasy days unfolded with no further thought of WVD. ... One afternoon I am lying on the sofa taking refuge in a catalogue from a sudden bout of queasiness when Phoebe comes over. ... So, definitely morning sickness (we think).  What are your ideas for names for the littlest Gurdonette?  We are currently partial to Epaulette if it's a girl, and Mogadishu if it's a boy. UPDATE: So Sunnie has already covered this at her blog.  Fine.  That doesn't mean that she is the hot, new blogger in town, and we are the tired, old, stale one -- no, it just goes to show that the AWM pregnancy thing is now a meme that is being passed through the very air we breathe like that barfing sickness that Meghan's kids contracted. Oh, and we now think the little one should be named Sundry, but called Sunnie for short, in her honor.  Anyway, Sunnie covers the whole column -- check it out. 12:09:57 PM

Possible Career Move for Jeff Gannon: Paid Spokesman for AbsorbShun Oh, and speaking of JimJeff, John Tully has an informative piece called "THE JAMES GUCKERT/ JEFF GANNON, FAKE REPORTER IN THE WHITE HOUSE QUESTION IS MOOT!" over at the LA Sun. One of my favorite bits: Howard Kurtz, the longtime and wise sage media critic with The Washington Post, trusted by little old Quaker ladies in Cleveland Park D.C. and lobbyists alike, just could not figure out what the big fuss was all about and immediately chalked it up to over-eager WWW types and their preoccupation with the salacious part of the story. But then, any article that makes fun of Howie is okay by me. And speaking of Dr. Professor Mike Adams and his problem with his penis, maybe AbsorbShun could help him stay firm in the presence of feminists, women with loud voices, women wearing suggestive T-shirts, and vaginas.  And speaking of AborbShun, Frederick from BeatBushBlog writes: I notice that Southern California has experienced the wettest year in over a century (they count from July 1 to June 30 of the next year, for some zany reason). With 33.61 inches so far in 2004-05 and over four months to go, Southern California may break its record for the wettest season known -- the 38.18 inches in 1883-84. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/6998659/ Do you suppose your inventive friend  could branch out into meteorological AbsorbShun to take care of Southern California's problem with excessive wetness? What do you think? It would surely be a more useful product than the original. I quite agree.  It's time Cynthia introduced Industrial Strength AbsorbShun for cities that want to feel "large" and creeks and rivers that want to feel "tight."  IS AborbShun helps stop the mess and loss of pleasure that comes with flooding, and it drives WeatherChannel viewers wild!  (Caution: product may cause abrasions, earth quakes, and Biblical plagues -- treat symptoms with Hoof cream.)   9:59:08 AM

The Voice Won't Shut Up  JeffGannon.com, 9 February 2005: The voice goes silent. Because of the attention being paid to me I find it is no longer possible to effectively be a reporter for Talon News.  In consideration of the welfare of me and my family I have decided to return to private life. JeffGannon.com, 23 February 2005: I'm  baaaaaaack!  If you thought I was going to slink away - then you don't know much about me. Someone still has to battle the Left and now that I've emerged from  the crucible, I'm stronger than before. Um, sure, dude.  Whatever. Yesterday in the "blog" portion of his site (which basically consists of links to conservative/Republican articles about GuckertGate), JimJeff posted a link to Biblical Christianity, and it's most recent post,The Gannon/Guckert "scandal": a golden opportunity.  JimJeff says it "hits the nail on the head."  The item in question says that if the Democrats want to investigate GuckertGate, then the Bush administration should make all White House reporters complete a questionnaire which would include the following questions: Ask if any reporter is a homosexual. Ask if any has ever exchanged sex for anything. Ask them to list all web sites with which they have ever had any involvement. Verily, let he who is not a gay prostutute who has put nude photos of himself and advertised his penis size on the internet throw the first stone. Anyway, we think it's sweet of JimJeff to link to this blog, which is run by a guy named Daniel J. Phillips, when Phillips has such strong feelings about homosexuality.  For instance, when discussing Maya Keyes, Phillip wrote: Further, Keyes is a Roman Catholic. So I can have no assurance as to what he told his dFaughter, beyond (by her own admission) that homosexuality is evil, and that she should pray for God's help to leave it. Thus far, I'd certainly agree -- and he's done better by her than parents who enable such a destructive choice by their embrace of it. And in a post about a female pastor who was fired by her church: [T]he woman "announced to her bishop and congregation that she was living in a committed relationship with her partner, Chris Paige." That's PC code for meaning she regularly practices perverted sex with another woman. And one his posts at FreeRepublic: Why Can't My Moms Marry? Posted by BibChr to srm913 On News/Activism 02/18/2005 7:21:49 AM PST · 30 of 186 They can, of course. Any available, willing man they choose.  Minimal moral sanity, of course, prevents them from calling anything they might do with toaster ovens, geese, horses, children, corpses, or other women "marriage." But that's pretty much of a "duh."  But they can marry.  Dan  Biblical Christianity BLOG Oh, and here's part of one his posts at FreeRepublic about JimJeff himself: Journalism double standard: Doesn't the media get it? Posted by BibChr to pookie18 On News/Activism 02/11/2005 5:42:12 AM PST · 9 of 19 1. I find his behavior odd. I know, not being in his shoes, it's easy to judge. But I think he had an opportunity to expose one of our worst internal enemies: the MSM. He seemed to buckle and run awfully fast. Not, as I've said, a profile in courage. So, like I said, I think it was sweet of JimJeff to link to Dan's blog. 9:16:07 AM

Who Said It? The results from last time: 1.  Our first Mystery Guest (the one talking about how freedom of speech demoralizes the troops and causes the enemy to blow up our buildings) was Debbie Daniel.   She was first identified by Bill S.  In Bill's honor, here is a little song about Debbie.  It was written by one Bill S. A Musical Tribure To Debbie Daniel(sung to the tune of "Look At Me, I'm Sandra Dee" from Grease) Look at me, I'm Debra D., Bursting with insanity Cover my ear, No, I don't want to hear About reality! Watch out, hey! The things I say Scare my neighbors all away They think I'm nuts, But they'd best watch their butts When comes the judgement day! I don't drink, I don't swear or own thong underwear I get ill when I see my own breast- Don't you dare defame our Dear Leader's name! Don't you know that George Bush knows what's best? As for you, Phil Donahue And all the other liberals too, I'll feel just swell When you all burn in hell- that's what faith means to me! We think that somebody should write a teen comedy/musical about Debbie Daniel.  Bill should be immediately hired to write the libretto. 2.  Our Mystery Guest with ED was Dr. Professor Mike Adams, Ph.D.  And here's more about how feminists are responsible for his wilting manhood (but apparently it was a homosexual who caused irreperable damage to Mike's sensitive penis): In 2003 (February), when campus feminists marched around stage chanting “vagina, vagina” during the Vagina Monologues, I experienced ED again.  Even worse, it happened to me on Valentine’s Day (which, by the way, is not known as VD)! In 2003 (March), when the university hired a self-proclaimed “queer Muslim” speaker named Irshad Manji, I experienced by most intense bout with ED. In some ways, I’m still recovering. In 2004, I saw a campus feminist (student) wearing a shirt that read “f*** Bush.”  It wasn’t really the shirt that gave me ED.  It was probably the leather combat boots and dog collar she was wearing.  I even thought about calling animal control. Dr. Mike was first identified by Zen, who is urged to never say "vagina, vagina" around Dr. Mike, since apparently vaginas make Dr. Mike's salami go soft. 3.  Ann Coulter was the Mystery Guest who would dump her wife for Rush Limbaugh, if only she had a wife.  (Recalling all of Rush's comments about accessing gay porn online, we think this could be a love match, and we encourage these two starry-eyed kids to go for it). DanF correctly I.D.ed our Ann. He wins this lovely photo of her: 4.   Thomas Sowell was the "Random Thoughts" guy.  From reading his post, you can get an idea why he is such a iconic figure with the young people, and why that Sowell poster is so big on college campuses. DanF was also the first to identify Mr. Sowell.  His prize is that we won't post another photo of Ann Coutler. 5.  Of course, the Mystery Guest with the creepy heart was Doug Giles. merlallen was the first to ID Doug (and yes, one of them is always Doug, because we find him emminently quotable, and chock full of rowdy, creepy, wingnutty flavor). Merl wins this info about Doug's ClashChurch: For men, we embrace a masculine spirituality.  We believe God created men to be men without apology.  We believe that Biblical masculinity is necessary for the church to be the overcoming organism God intends for it to be.  Therefore, we avoid the feminization of men and the spiritual emasculation of God’s rowdy warriors that usually accompanies most evangelical churches. Yes, it's a man's life in the ClashChurch!  And thank heaven for an evangelical church where men can be rowdy warriors, even if they do have creepy hearts.  Enjoy, Merl! 6.  The "simple guy" who said that unless you're pro-Patriot Act, pro-torture, and anti-Bill of rights, you're on the side of the enemy (burn in hell, ACLU!) was Bill O'Reilly  Zen was the first to identify Warrior Bill.  Zen wins this bonus quote from Bill: Many foreign-born people work in the service industry, and, generally speaking, the service is not good. Last night, for example, I had to take a car to Universal City. The driver didn't speak English, didn't know where he was going. We got lost, 35 minutes driving around. Finally, I had to get out of the car, grabbed a security officer, and she actually had to get inside the car and direct us to the location using sign language. Yes, Bill grabbed a female security officer (old sexual harassment habits die hard).  But it's all the fault of those damned foreign-born people who aren't providing Bill with the kind of top-rate personal service he deserves! ... Although, there was that little short brown woman from Bali, who was so amazed by Bill's penis.  She provided good service. And Thorlac was the first to name all of our Mystery Guests.  He  wins a lifetime supply of wingnuts.  Congrats to Thorlac, and to all of our winners! Now Who Said This? 1.  (The mise en scene: our wingnut is on "The 700 Club," plugging his new book) MYSTERY GUEST: One of the lessons that I learn in my life is that business is not exploitive. It is heroic. The idea of business is giving people something they want to buy. PAT ROBERTSON: And making life for – better for them. MG: It does benefit us. These people are not greedy, but trying to make a living. ROBERTSON: That's the point. MG: If you get ahead in America, it is an indication of serving other people, providing a good or service that they want. That's always been my philosophy as a film critic and my big argument with Hollywood. The worst material they create is not there to give the public what they want. It is there to indoctrinate Yes, "business" is all about nobly serving humanity, while film making is about making movies that people don't want to see, but are forced to.  That's why this guy watches films for a living instead of heroically working at WalMart. 2. The following is a quote from this wingnut's most recent Renew American column, which tells how God got her bookings on "The 700 Club" and Fox News.  (This all happened a couple of years ago, but hey, everyone wants to relive their glory days.) My own son came home mimicking the schools reasoning one day. "Mom, its not right that we have Jesus in school because it offends other cultures. I said, "Honey, if we moved to Africa and they worshipped their African god, would we be offended?" No. Kind of a stupid question isn't it. So why are other cultures so offended when they come to what was once a mighty Christian nation and see the word Jesus Christ? Why are we forced to relinquish our own culture? God is no longer allowed in court, the Ten Commandments are being ripped right off the walls. In public schools, the name of Jesus is virtually outlawed, but Islam and every other pagan god is MANDATED. Yeah, if our culture is Christian, we damned well should be able to teach kids to worship Jesus in our public schools -- and if other cultures don't like it, they can move to to some other country, and worship that African God or the pagan god Islam.  3.  From a PBS "Frontline" interview from last November: Q: Who hired you? The Republican National Committee hired me, and they hired me because they wanted someone who could look members straight in the eye and tell them the truth. [...] Q: What about replacing "global warming" with "climate change?" What is the difference? It is climate change. Some people call it global warming; some people call it climate change. What is the difference? Look, for years, political people and lawyers -- who, by the way, are the worst communicators -- used the phrase "estate tax." And for years they couldn't eliminate it. The public wouldn't support it because the word "estate" sounds wealthy. Someone like me comes around and realizes that it's not an estate tax, it's a death tax, because you're taxed at death. And suddenly something that isn't viable achieves the support of 75 percent of the American people. It's the same tax, but nobody really knows what an estate is. But they certainly know what it means to be taxed when you die. I argue that is a clarification; that's not an obfuscation. And the rest is history . . . 4:19:55 AM