February 4, 2005 by s.z.

Plus, a Surprise Guest! Okay, I finally completed my American Street post for today.  It's called "Where Are They Now?" and it's about Lisa Whelchel (her latest doings) and Kirk Cameron.  I think it will make you nostalgic for the '80s. Or not.  9:49:33 AM

Fan Fictions of Mass Destruction Um, all the semi-finals for the Koufax nominations are now up, and you'd better vote for TBogg or we'll all be sorry that we ever learned how to read.  Well, sorrier than we are right now.  Also, remember to vote for Anntichrist S. Coulter, since she is nominated in a different category from TBogg, and she might write something equally horrifying if you don't. 3:39:24 AM

Deep Thoughts, by Peggy Noonan [As usual, I am in black, Peggy is in maroon, and Jack Handey, author of the authentic Deep Thoughts, is in blue.] Peggy, who for the past two weeks hasn't been thrilled with the inaugural address, is happy once again, because her check from the Department of Saying Nice Things About George Bush arrived, and so she could buy a bottle of Old Granddad, which made everything seem pleasant and normal again. His State of the Union address underscored that he meant what he said when he ran: Efforts to move against junk lawsuits, protect marriage and reform Social Security are all on the table. America continues as a friend of liberty throughout the world. [...] This was the plainspoken Bush of old. Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me? In fact, young George sounded almost Reaganesque, what with his calls for spending less, and saving us from a projected $3.7 trillion shortfall in Social Security with a plan that will cost up to $4.5 trillion. Refreshingly, he called for "spending discipline"; he said he wants to "cut the deficit in half" by the time he leaves office. I hope that after I die, people will say of me; "That guy sure owed me a lot of money." Of course, Bush's plan is geared towards Republicans, who are good at math, and paranoid; and towards young people, who like complexity, and are gullible. Here I raise a question about human nature that I cannot answer. Republicans tend to assume that everyone hungers for more investment accounts to handle. This is because Republicans like personal autonomy and authority, and are good at math. Others might reasonably wonder if life isn't complicated enough.  I think a new, different kind of bowling should be "carpet bowling." It's just like regular bowling, only the lanes are carpet instead of wood. I don't know why we should do this, but my gosh, we've got to try something! While old people are like Ayn Rand's Russian sister, who was confused by an American supermarket, young people are like George Bush, Sr. at a grocery store: totally clueless.  Yes, today's young adults, who haven't had to make any decisions bigger than whether to watch "The Apprentice" or "The O.C.", like having lots of choices.  Plus, they are easily distracted, and therefore probably won't notice the "You Must Sell Your Organs to Rich Old People To Set Up Your Account" part of Bush's plan. When you are just entering adulthood and beginning a career you tend not to find life too complicated because you haven't already made a thousand big decisions and lived with their repercussions.  I'll never forget how happy I was when I got my first paycheck, because I thought, Oh, boy, now I can quit. In any case, Bush can't lose with this proposal, because either it won't pass, and he'll be remembered by morons as somebody who could have saved the country if only he hadn't been killed in that Dallas motorcade; or, it will pass, and he'll be out of office before the program collapses, and hey, it's not like he will have to eat dog food without that monthly Social Security check. But in a surprising way for the president the issue is win-win. If he loses in Congress, he lost on a great issue on which his large base will likely believe he was right, and on which history will not be able to prove him wrong. And if he wins, he allows the free market to energize and renew a huge creaky behemoth. My guess? Little Big Man is going to get reform. When Grandpa gave me that ten dollars and asked me to go to the store and get some groceries for him, I knew I had a choice: I could go buy candy and gumballs for me and my friends, or I could buy model airplanes. Little Big Man??? Anyway, Peggy really liked the foreign policy part of the address, because George didn't sound as crazy/scary as he did in the inaugural speech, where he kept talking about how God told him to nuke Mexico to spread atomic freedom to our neighbors to the South. It was more finely calibrated, which is to say it was calibrated. The first time I ever tried to milk a cow at Grandpa's farm, I didn't even know which end of the cow to milk!  Then I guess I got even dumber, because the next time I couldn't even find the barn.  Then the last time, I just went out in the woods and lived, with no clothes. Of course, the highlight was the Marine mother and the Iraqi woman hugging.  If only a dolphin had been included, it would have been the perfect speech moment!  In any case, it proves that the war is going well, because people are dying. Sacrifice brings progress; courage brings deliverance; love born in Pflugerville can liberate in Fallujah.  When you want to accomplish something, there are different stages that you go through.  The first is to imagine yourself doing whatever it is.  The second is to light up a big cigar, because mister, she's as good as done! But Peggy did not appreciate the Democratic response, because it included no hugging, no dolphins, and no hunks. As for the Democratic response, Harry Reid looks and talks like a small-town undertaker whom you want to trust but wonder about, especially when he says the deceased would love the brass handles.  If you were a pirate, you know what would be the one thing that would really make you mad? Treasure chests with no handles. How the hell are you supposed to carry it?! Peggy knew Ronald Reagan.  Ronald Reagan was her boss, mentor, and real father.  And Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosis are no Ronald Reagan!  (Of course, neither is George Bush, but at least Peggy gets paid to say nice things about him.) They made Important Sounds. Neither seemed sincere or serious. The president seemed both. The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself.  Then I told myself, "Go ahead and do whatever you want, it's okay by me." Prediction for next week: Peggy condemns Clint Eastwood's Million Dollar Baby, and then segues into a rant about abortion, stem cells, and stone-cold cloned armies.  Two Gipper quotes, a couple of breathy sighs while thinking about Mel Gibson, and at least one mention of the Pope (and possibly an anecdote about how Peggy didn't kill herself even when her son begged her to) will be involved. 3:04:42 AM