November 28, 2004 by s.z.

Whazzup With Wingnuts?

Remember Kyle Williams, WorldNetDaily's prepubescent, home-schooled, far-right, evangelical know-it-all? We haven't talked about him for a while, because he started to sound sensible, urging readers to worry more about fixing their own lives rather than trying to reform society by outlawing breasts, and claiming that spiritual salvation can't be found with either the Democrats or the Republicans, nor even with the "fringe religious right."  Yes, he seemed to be leaving the wingnut camp, whether WorldNetDaily was aware of it or not.

Anyway, he turned 16 last week, and has begun to reevaluate his path, starting by not writing his WND column. 

Off for a few weeks
I'm going to be taking off from my WND column for a couple weeks. I'm in the midst of evaluating the direction of my writing and my life. My ideology hasn't changed too much, but it has matured. Thus, as I observe my past and evaluate my future, I recognize my shallowness. I forgive my past because of immaturity, but I must take the time to change my future.

[...] For me, being politically conservative and spiritually Christian, I'm very much at risk of coming across as a prideful, self-righteous jerk. I apologize if I've conveyed such an image to thousands of people even in my short time.

Way to go, Kyle! 

And this concern about his image came just in time too, as evidenced by this reader comment:

You're on the path to replacing Rush Limbaugh. Your services will be greatly needed over the next four years in helping to ensure that Hillary Clinton is NOT elected anything higher than New York City trash colector.

I feel that you have been chosen for the very purpose of using your gifts to play a major part in the 2008 Republican victory.

Being perceived as the Second Coming of Rush Limbaugh should be enough to scare any sensible person into reevaluating his life. 

Anyway, we applaud young Kyle for not continuing the kiddy wingnut shtick just because that got him attention and WorldNetDaily book deals.  And if this vacation from the columns came because WND cancelled his column when they realized he wasn't providing the kiddy wingnut shtick they were paying him for, we still congratulate him. We would buy him that U2 CD from his birthday wish list except that we don't think that kids should be listening to that Satanic rock and/or roll music.

And we want to thank Doug Giles, for providing an example to our young people of what happens when you let your loony shtick run away with you.  Yes, Doug appears to have completely lost it, and entered the realm of self parody with this week's column, "Dirty Harry Goes to Church".

Really, I don't think I can make it any more funny than what Doug did.  But I'll try (albeit not very hard).

Picture it.

Hesitantly, Harry gets out of his ride, straightens his Ray Bans, adjusts his jacket and begins the testosterone death march to the front door of the “sanctuary.”

Ascending the steps toward the entrance of the church, fourteen women and one man greet Harry.  The male greeter he’s forced to interface with is the kind of guy you wouldn’t want to have as your young son’s babysitter.  I’m talking a Mango meets Dom De Luise amalgam. 

Yes, let's picture it.  I picture Harry (in Doug's movie, "Dirty Harry 6: the ClashPoint") getting really annoyed at the way the church was destroying his testosterone, whipping out his trusty Magnum, and mowing down the women for those Precious Moments posters ("one shows Christ holding a bunny rabbit, and the other one shows Christ skipping while carrying a lamb").  

And then he would turn to the male greeter and quip, "You might be asking yourself, did he fire fourteen shots or fifteen?  You also have to ask this, do you feel lucky?  Well, do you, fruit?"  The guy wouldn't feel lucky, but Harry would shoot him anyway, just because he reminded Harry of Richard Simmons, Harry's arch nemesis.

But back to Doug's public version of his fantasy:

Finally it is go time.  The service is begins.

Harry strides into the mauve and cream sanctuary, taking his seat amidst a crowd that is made up of 80% women, 1% masculine men and 19% quasi-males.

Then Harry approaches Doug, the 1% masculine male, and says, "Let's forget these losers and go to my place and admire each other's weapons.  It will be our own private worship service." 

Harry can’t take it anymore. 

Another massacre ensues.  Blood and guts get all over those prints of "fat baby angels" who "look like they have a good buzz going from their mommy’s milk, laced as it is with Diet Coke and Xanax."  The mauve-and-cream color scheme is now mauve and crimson.  Harry and Doug both like it a lot better this way.

After decompressing for several minutes and firing up a Montecristo #2 in the parking lot, Harry begins to process this little experience.  He does the math and comes to this conclusion: if I convert to this sort of Christianity, then I must sacrifice not only my sins but my God-given innate masculine traits with which Jehovah naturally and rightly equipped me. 

No thanks.

Apparently Harry wandered into one of those groups which took too literally Christ's words in Matthew 19:12: “There be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven’s sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it.”

Fortunately for Harry, in this dicey post-9/11 environment, in this incessant in-our-face coarsening of popular culture, he’s actually in luck.  In reaction to Islamic terrorists’ attack on our nation, as well as sick secularists’ continued cultural attack on traditional American values, a robust Christianity has appeared on the horizon.  This renewed and vigorous faith is effectively eradicating the fu-fu funk of effeminized Christianity and has begun the process of re-establishing the much-needed masculine bent to the pulpit and the pew.

Fortunately for the rest of us, Harry hates people who write stuff like "fu-fu funk," and he uses that last round on Doug. 

My ClashPoint is this: if your pastor is calling for a return of "the Dirty Harry-like prophet, patriarch, warrior and wild man," then I think it's time to alert whatever board oversees the church that said pastor seems to be preaching something that bears no resemblance to Christianity, and to alert the pastor's psychiatrist that the pastor seems to have had the psychotic break we've all been fearing.

Update:  Jesus' General also paid a visit to Doug's Very Manly Church, and finds it not at all fu-fu. 

4:43:49 AM