December 20, 2004 by s.z.

Killer Dachsunds, Zombie Christmas Trees The Mind Bomber emailed us to let us know that the server still won't let him post comments.  As we told him earlier, we're sorry about it, but Attorney General Ashcroft must have his reasons.  (Seriously, I don't know why this is happening to a few of you, but I will ask the nonexistant customer support people at Radio UserLand for help, and see if they offer any ideas.)  But hey, let's share MB's email with everybody because we're tired and don't want to have to write our own content: Well, damn. As far as the comment server is concerned, I'm still about as welcome... (channeling Doug Giles) ..as Jesus at a meeting of Americans United for the Separation of Church and State. Speaking of Doug, I just thought it was interesting that one of his metaphors referenced a 117-lb. Dachsund. Digby at Hullabaloo just posted something yesterday about James Dobson relating the story - in a book called "The Strong-Willed Child" - of how he beat the hell out of a 12-lb. Dachsund with a belt for growling at him once.  [Ed note: here's a link to the post, which is entitled "Raising the Future Fascists of America."]  Apparently this relates in some way to advice on raising Godly children. Didn't you post something not too long ago about another fundie nutcase who did some awful stuff to her kids? The woman who played Blair on "The Facts of Life", maybe? Anyway, in my rejected post, I just expressed a wish to see Dobson try that with Doug's heavyweight Dachsund. Excellent thought, MB.  I too would like to see a giant dachsund rip out Dobson's throat for hitting it with a belt just because it wouldn't mind him.   Anyway, MB's email reminded us of our old friend Lisa Whelchel, the author of Creative Correction, the book that taught the Bush Administration that the line between "correction" and "torture" is all in the mind of the person administering the corrections or doing the interrogation. And that reminds us of Lisa's seasonal book, The ADVENTure of Christmas.  Let's enjoy an excerpt, won't we?   The Christmas Tree It is said that in the seventh century a zealous young English missionary was the first person to use the evergreen tree as a symbol for God.  Winfrid, who would later become known as Saint Boniface, used the tree as an object lesson.  He taught that each point on the triangular-shaped tree represented a different Person of the Holy Trinity – Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Legend has it that one day Winfrid came upon a group of men offering a sacrifice to an oak tree as an act of worship.  So angered was he by this idolatry that Winfrid swung his ax and felled the oak tree with one mighty blow.  According to the tale, a fir tree eventually grew from the stump of the oak.  Struck by this occurrence, the missionary proclaimed that the tiny new tree represented Jesus' victory over death on the cross and the eternal life made available to us by the King of kings. Or else it shows that the pine tree was some kind of zombie tree that fed on the body of the dead oak stump.  I hope that doesn't say anything at all about Jesus. And wasn't it kind of juvenile for Winfrid to get mad at the oak tree?  I mean, geez, if he had seen some Ba'al worshippers about to sacrifice a baby, would he have cleaved the baby with one mighty blow to teach them a lesson about worshipping the wrong god?   The Christmas tree is a beautiful reminder of why Jesus was born in the first place – to die for you and me.  Well, I always thought that the atonement and the teaching and stuff were the key points, but ... As we put up the Christmas tree in our homes, it can only deepen our joy if we remember His Death at this time of His birth.  Yeah, remembering painful deaths always adds to my joy. Have you ever noticed that the boughs of your tree extend out like the arms of Jesus stretched upon the cross as He offered His life to anyone who would come to Him in faith?  Eww, no!  Now I feel kind of weird putting tinsel and twinkling lights on the body of Jesus while he's suffering on the cross. And your Christmas tree is very definitely pointing toward heaven and, as Jesus did with His words and His actions, drawing our attention to the Father who loves us. Well, didn't the oak tree point toward heaven too, and look what happened to it? So when you stand before your Christmas tree, stand tall, as the tree does, and be a witness for Jesus.  "Hey, Billy, this is the Christmas tree.  Stand up straight or I'm telling Jesus on you." Let it direct your attention to the Father above.  Fix your eyes on Jesus, then open your arms wide to touch others with His Spirit of love.  Of course, if you keep your eyes fixed on Jesus as you walk down the street with your arms wide to touch people, you might end up touching them in inappropriate places and get arrested for sexual assault. Then you, too, will be pointing people toward heaven – and to life beyond the power of death. Um, right. Anyway, here's a bit from James Dobson's book The New Strong-Willed Child, courtesy of ChristianBook.com: Shaping the Will The young mother of a defiant three-year-old girl once approached me in Kansas City to thank me for my books and tapes.  She told me that a few months earlier her little daughter had become increasingly defiant and had managed to buffalo her frustrated mom and dad.  They knew she was manipulating them but couldn't seem to regain control.  Then one day they were in a books store and happened upon a copy of my first book, Dare to Discipline.  They bought a copy and learned that it is appropriate, from my perspective, to spank a child under certain well-defined circumstances.  My recommendations made sense to these harassed parents, who promptly used that technique the next time their daughter gave them reason to do so.  But the little girl was just bright enough to figure out where they had picked up the new idea.  When the mother awoke the next morning, she found her copy of Dare to Discipline in the toilet!  The darling little girl had done her best to send my book off to the sewer where it belonged. He has more stories about how children hate his books, which must prove that the little demons are just bright enough to recognize their holy nemesis.  Here's another one of them: A little eight-year-old girl mailed me this note: Dear Dobson, You are a mean and crule thing.  You and your dumb sayings won't take you to heaven .  Kristy P. P.S. Kids don't like wippens. But who cares what kids like?  I like to think that after the nuclear Game Boy apocolypse, when feral kids have their own societies (and also have eerie Village of the Damned /Children of the Corn powers) that Dobson will wander into one of children's enclaves -- and then the darling 3-year-old and her comrades will flush Dobson himself down the toilet.  Just a thought. Anyway, he follows up with a delightful anecdote taken from Lisa's Creative Correction about the time when she threatened her son with a beating in the bathroom, and he shaped up fast -- thus showing us that there's only one-degree of separation in fundie child dictator circles.  I would share it with you, but the fine folks at ChristianBook.com don't allow you to copy text, and I'm tired of typing.  And to all a good night!  5:02:01 AM

Some White House Holiday Entertainment  WO'C reader Brian suggested that we take a look at the White House's Where in the White House Is Miss Beazley?  Brian says: It's, like, a perfect metphor for how the current administration is running things: a total f--k-up of the simplest of tasks complete with cover-up, delegation of responsibility to incompetent underlings, excessive spending on tinsel, etc. But sadly, either our computer isn't good enough to access the White House site, our dial-up service is really crappy, the White House can't afford enough bandwidth to make this work, or BarneyCam really sucks (or all of the above) because the production was almost impossible for us to follow (and we tried four times).  We could only see blurry images that would break down into squares -- and the voices sounded like a mixture of those tinny robots from old "Dr. Who" episodes and the adults on Peanuts specials. But this is our summary of what we were able to gather from the portion of this production we sorta saw before getting the "connection timed out" notice. The video begins with an obnoxious reporter announcing that it's been a bad week for Barney, who has been disqualified for several cabinet jobs due to dirt dug up by the media.  It seems that Barney allegedly got several gifts (which he failed to report) from PetSmart after helping to get them a Halliburton subcontract to supply meals to the troops in Iraq.  He has mob ties.  He misused his official position by ordering the Secret Service to shoot the squirrel that made fun of him.  He was caught carrying on with both Willie the Cat and Karl Rove's leg. Then we go to the Oval Office, where George is on his knees yelling at Barney for making him look bad.  George tells Barney that he's not qualified for a cabinet position because he never found those WMDs under George's desk.  Then George directs Barney to take care of the new puppy, Miss Beazley, and make her feel like part of the family -- because heaven knows, nobody else in the Bush clan is going to do it.  George then orders Barney to stay away from sluts like Willie, and to shape up and fly right -- and while it's a terrible read (George is no actor), he seems quite natural hectoring a dog. Other members of the Bush administration covertly give Barney advice.  "Don't take it personally, Barney" says some guy (my guess is that it's Treasury Secretary John Snow, who went through something similar).  A woman (Karen Hughes?) says, "Barney, you're not a warrior, you're a DOG!  Or was I talking about your master?"  Somebody (probably Margaret Spellings) says, "My job is to make sure no brats are left behind -- I don't have the money to worry about dogs."  Somebody else (Alberto Gonzales?) says, "You'd better find her before MRS. BUSH finds out, because I gave her authorization to use torture to keep her people in line." Barney runs around the White House, looking for Barney.  The White House is very shiny.  A chef (who is making a traditional Korean stew) says he's too busy to help Barney look for Miss Beazley.  Barney searches the White House grounds -- and while he never finds Miss Beazley, he does locate Osama.  But nobody cares. Barney ends up at a press conference.  Scottie McClellan says, "I don't know where the f--- Miss Beastly is.  Geez, I HATE you members of the press and the way you always expect me to answer your stupid questions!  Anyway, she's YOUR responsibility, Barney, and I suggest you find her quickly, because you don't want to end up like Spot.  Oh, and we've also made the security of all shipping containers your responsibility, so if the terrorists happen to get any weapons into the country that way, you're the fall guy, Barney." We see some close-ups of the face of a sad dog who has just realized that loyalty isn't really a two-way street at the White House. Then the reporter is back with a special announcement: Barney has reportedly lost Miss Beazley!  He's also suspected of having embezzled several trillion dollars, thus causing the deficit. That's as far as we were able to see. We think that in the part we didn't see, President Bush orders the invasion of Massachusetts (which, while not responsible for losing Miss Beazley, does have ties to Barney).  Then we discover there never was a Miss Beazley.  Oops!  But still the war goes on for the next several years.  The End.  2:11:37 AM