December 17, 2004 by s.z.

News You Can Use, Possibly  1.  But I Didn't See Any Martial Arts Monkeys John Rogers (the one who is a stand-up comedian/physicist) has a nice blog called Kung Fu Monkey.  A couple of recent posts which I think you will enjoy are I Miss Republicans  and In Case of Rapture. 2.  But The Key Point is that Clinton's Nominees Were Way Scummier That Bush's Remember that A.P. article Nanny Problems Plagued Clinton Nominations?  You know, the one which claimed that Kerik was derailed by a problem with the help, the same as Kimba Wood, Zoe Baird, and, surprisingly Lani Guinier (because even though nobody remembered Lani as having a nanny problem, if the writer had included Linda Chavez, the piece would have needed a different title).  Well, Ann Barstow alerted us to a letter Ms. Guinier wrote to the Washington Post that says in part: The Clinton White House withdrew my nomination in 1993 to be Assistant Attorney General for Civil Rights in response to controversy about my academic writings on democracy. The controversy was fueled by a media firestorm that reported many of my ideas -- and me -- out of context. I was disheartened to read that some reporters on your paper are now writing a revisionist history that lets the media off the hook in 1993 and instead asserts -- inaccurately -- that my nomination was withdrawn because of concerns about domestic help. The Post printed a retraction. Roger Ailes notes that the A.P. has also finally gotten around to correcting the item about Lani.  And since it's starting to look like there might not have even been a nanny in the Kerik household, if Bernie's name comes up in the future, expect that future media to report that Kerik withdrew his nomination for a position in the second Bush Administration because of concerns about his "polarizing" legal writings. 3.  Jenna Gets a Job (Maybe) People Magazine says, "The Bush daughter has announced plans to teach at a public school for low-income kids in the District of Columbia. " However, per Newsday, she doesn't actually have the job yet.  (But since the principal will be immediately shipped off to Gitmo if she doesn't hire the President's party-loving daughter, I think Jenna's prospects are pretty good.)  The school is a charter school about three miles north of the White House, so Jenna will be living at home, I guess. Here's more from Newsday: Elsie Whitlow Stokes Community Freedom Public Charter School sits near a busy four-lane road where, on Wednesday, a TV truck was already parked. The number of media outlets on Executive Director Linda Moore's call list made clear that the little 7-year-old school with 250 children was on the brink of a new era. And Jenna Bush hadn't officially been hired yet. [...] Moore declined to discuss her potential new hire. But she nonetheless fielded an awkward political moment when a reporter asked her views on President Bush's controversial education policy, No Child Left Behind. "We have had our challenges here," she responded deftly. As you probably know, a recent federal study indicated that Public Schools Have Edge Over Charter Schools.  So, I guess Jenna's mission will be to not only use this school to prove that No Child Left Behind works perfectly (and is the only domestic policy this administration needs), but also to show that Charter schools are way better than public schools because of all that great conservative-endorsed freedom.  However, If Jeanna or any of her I.M. force are killed or captured, the secretary will disavow all knowledge of their activities. 4.  But Since It's Not the "Christmas Edition," Expect Bill O'Reilly to Damn It To Hell  The Holiday Edition of Virtual Occoquan (featuring the best of the Salon blogs) is out!  And if offers many fine seasonal treats that you're sure to enjoy.  A few I particularly liked are: Holiday With Ozzy - Mark Hoback A Holiday Greeting From the First Lady The Shame of the Holiday Ham- Paul Hinrichs Jack McGeehin With a Holiday Poem Own Your Own Future - Dana Pattillo Ask Katy: Holiday Edition - Katy Hipke & Mark Hoback And many more!   They make great last minute gifts and/or stocking stuffers. 5.  It's Worse Than You Thought There was a recent post at Frederick's BeatBushBlog that you should read if you haven't already.  It's called "1984 is Today" and it brings you the proof that you are living in an Orwellian world.  (Personally, I thought there would be more sex.) I'd also like to nominate Frederick  for a Koufax for his comment yesterday regarding my summary of Dennis Prager's Townhall column: So see, if you don't put up Christmas decorations, Jesus won't know that you love him My wife, daughter, and I are atheists but we put up Christmas decorations anyway to trick Jesus into thinking we love him. He's so gullible. That Frederick is so going to hell!  But since he's an atheist, he probably won't believe he's there.  Just as I didn't believe that I would ever live in 1984.  Do you think there's a connection? 6.   Chuck Colson Was Right -- Tom Wolfe IS One of the Best Writers of Our Time Also, in case you missed it, here (courtesy of the Guardian) are the passages from I Am Charlotte Simmons that won Tom Wolfe the Literary Review "Bad Sex" Award: Hoyt began moving his lips as if he were trying to suck the ice cream off the top of a cone without using his teeth. She tried to make her lips move in sync with his. The next thing she knew, Hoyt had put his hand sort of under her thigh and hoisted her leg up over his thigh. What was she to do? Was this the point she should say, "Stop!"? No, she shouldn't put it that way. It would be much cooler to say, "No, Hoyt," in an even voice, the way you would talk to a dog that insists on begging at the table. Slither slither slither slither went the tongue, but the hand that was what she tried to concentrate on, the hand, since it has the entire terrain of her torso to explore and not just the otorhinolaryngological caverns - oh God, it was not just at the border where the flesh of the breast joins the pectoral sheath of the chest - no, the hand was cupping her entire right - Now! She must say "No, Hoyt" and talk to him like a dog. . . . . . the fingers went under the elastic of the panties moan moan moan moan moan went Hoyt as he slithered slithered slithered slithered and caress caress caress caress went the fingers until they must be only eighths of inches from the border of her public hair - what's that! - Her panties were so wet down. . . there - the fingers had definitely reached the outer stand of the field of pubic hair and would soon plunge into the wet mess that was waiting right. . . there-there- (p368-9) Thanks to Dorothy for the link.  Now if we can just get Tom and Bill O'Reilly to colloborate, imagine the sex!  (In their joint novel, I meant!) 4:08:45 AM

Deep Thoughts, by Peggy Noonan [The Pegster is in maroon (as Bill S. guessed, because she is one), the authentic "Deep Thoughts" by Jack Handey are in blue, and I am in black, because it's always in style.] This week Peggy explains to the Democrats that President Bush is not sending coded messages to evangelicals when he says stuff like: "If there were a vacancy in the Supreme Court, I would fill it with somebody who would strictly interpret the Constitution, and who wouldn't, you know, take 'under God' out of the Pledge of Allegiance, or claim that Roe  . . .I mean the Dred Scott decision (wink, wink, nudge nudge) was legal.  Yes, if there is ever a vacancy due to the retirement of one of the current justices (or if, say, David Souter, happened to meet with an unfortunate accident), I would never nominate one of those activist judges.  No, I would pick a judge who strictly interprets the Constitution, and makes laws based on the Constitution's implicit desire to preserve the sanctity of traditional marriage and to outlaw stem-cells."  "And if I read the signs right, I might get to appoint one of these great constructivist.judges before too long, if you know what I mean.  Oh, who will rid me of that turbulent Justice Stevens?" No, the President just uses "words," and you are crazy if you think there is any meaning behind them.  The idea that the president is speaking in religious code to his religious followers says more about the reporters who asked the question than it does about the president, or his speechwriter. It reminded me of something. Once, 20 years ago, I was working in the White House and received a call from a respected academic. Her area of claimed expertise was presidential rhetoric. She introduced herself and told me she wanted to talk about "the manipulation of symbols" in President Reagan's speeches. Once while walking through the mall a guy came up to me and said "Hey, how's it going?". So I grabbed his arm and twisted it up behind his head and said "Now whose asking the questions?" Peggy tells the academic that of course words don't have any evocative properties, and are just a vehicle with which to lie to the public. How do you all do that? she said. Do what? I said. Manipulate symbols that way, she said. I said, I don't think we "do" anything. We're just writers, we write. It's writing. The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lie down on some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go, 'Hey, I'm Vine Man.'" The silly acadmic actually thought that words and symbols could be used to manipulate people!  Peggy had a laugh at her expense as she poured over the footage of Hitler's Nuremburg Rally, for tips and ideas. I wondered if she didn't honestly think that it couldn't just be writing. She thought it was some kind of higher, dark and secret magic. She thought there were secret codes and symbols placed in speeches to communicate secret messages and elicit certain reactions.  Like jewels in a crown, the precious stones glittered in the queen's round metal hat. And this reminds Peggy of how the Democrats are all superstitious primitives who believe that the Republicans have eerie arcane powers they got from Satan at that black mass in Dick Cheney's "undisclosed location," when in reality, the black mass was held in Karen Hughes' back yard. It seemed to me that the Democrats in the last cycle really did think there is some high magic in the creation of political rhetoric, and that Republicans do some voodoo that they, being ingenuous and honest, haven't quite gotten a handle on yet.Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out. Peggy says the REAL secret of winning elections isn't to have good speech writers (obviously).  No, it's to just let meaning bubble up around you and within you, and then to use all that bubbly meaning to carry you to victory. Reagan didn't magically ride out from the West with a new political philosophy that he talked the American people into backing. A particular kind of conservatism was a rising tide in the 1970s and '80s and he was part of it. He believed in it; in time he became its most persuasive explainer and exhorter, and its natural leader. The meaning of Reaganism bubbled up around him and within him.  Jeff Carlyle wasn't expecting to find a dead body as he jogged through the park early that morning.  And he didn't find one, so that was a relief. Peg then shares with the Democrats the magic secret to winning the next election: become the "Christians Only" party, and nominate Santa Claus! I know something the Democratic Party can do right now that will improve its standing and increase its popularity. It can be done this week. Its impact will be quick and measurable. It is this: [...] Have Terry McAuliffe announce that from here on in the Democratic Party is on the side of those who want religion in the public square, and the Ten Commandments on the courthouse wall for that matter. Then he should put up a big sign that says "Merry Christmas" on the sidewalk in front of the Democratic National Committee Headquarters on South Capitol Street. The Democratic Party should put itself on the side of Christmas, and Hanukkah, and the fact of transcendent faith.  If you ever have to steal money from your kid, and later on he discovers it's gone, I think a good thing to do is to blame it on Santa Claus. Yes, the Democratic Party should become the "pro-organized religion party,"  because that's a bandwagon that the Republicans forgot to jump on.  <sarcasm alert> But if it becomes the "pro-religion in the public square" party, it better make clear that it's only in favor of state-sanctioned Judeo-Christianity, because otherwise it will have to endorse all thoseweird, troublesome religions, like Buddhism, Islam, and Unitarianism. This would be taking a stand on an issue that roils a lot of people, and believe me those people don't think conservatives are scrubbing America of Christmas, they think it's liberals; and they don't think it's Republicans, they think it's Democrats. Confound them, Terry! Come forward with a stand. It is the stand that is the salvation, not mysterious words or codes or magic messages. If a kid ever asks you how Santa Claus can live forever, I think a good answer is that he drinks blood. Yes, Christmas and Santa and the Littlest Angel can save the Democrats, but only if they truly believe.  And co-opting religion is the only symbol that is needed to win an election.  (Peggy thought this up all by herself, and didn't consult Karl Rove even once.) Pick up that Christmas tree, Terry, take it outside and put a star on top, stand next to it, yell Merry Christmas and ring a bell. That's a manipulation of symbols that would actually make sense. To me, there's no better symbol for the world than a grasshopper lying dead on a gravel road, and maybe there's a globe lying next to him.  I think the Democratic Party should consider Peggy's advice, but they still should throughly vet Santa before proceding any further.  Because, as you know, Peggy has ties to Bernie Kerik's former mistress Judith Regan, so it could turn out that, just like there was no nanny, there IS no Santa Claus. 1:20:48 AM