December 29, 2004 by s.z.

Power Success Secrets of the Triple-Alpha Male!!! Since The Dark Window is still on hiatus, it falls upon me to share with you this Special Offer I received from Newsmax: Power Success Secrets of the Triple-Alpha Male -- Opportunity Expires Jan 3 Do you want to be the kind of man who earns automatic respect the moment he strides into the room? Well, I've always enjoyed being a girl, but I do have to admit that earning respect through my striding has long been a dream of mine. Do you want to exude an aura of physical magnetism and invincibility that shouts LEADER to all present? My head still hurts, so I'd prefer a magnetic aura which would proclaim my invincibility a little more quietly. Do you want to have the ability to switch on a current of power that creates a commanding presence -- whenever you need it? You mean . . . my own personal electric Dick Cheney robot? Would you like women to be helplessly attracted to your firm, toned frame -- your lean, ripped physique, your strong, erect posture -- the obvious, trustable strength you're exhibiting from head to toe? Um, no offense, but I'm straight.  And, to quote Crow T. Robot, I was just hoping to marry into posture. What would it feel like, to live like this, to experience life like this, all the time? Wow, erect posture, noisy magnetism, women hoplessly attracted to me, and electric robots -- all at once, all the time?!?  I think it would be hell! To have that formidable power always within you, ready to issue at your instant wish? That reminds me of the lyics to a cartoon theme song: Two halves of a ring create the word "Shazzan." He's the greatest genie, your wish is his command. Okay, that's all I can remember of the song (or of the cartoon, come to mention it), but here's an image that seems to be an appropriate accompaniment to this pitch for greater manly power:  Do you want to be at the head of the pack -- or are you merely content to be a hang-dog also-ran? Do you want to have a pit bull attitude, or be a foo-foo, nancy-girl, tofu eating, Richard Simmons eye shadow-monitoring, non-Dirty Harry poodle?  Which will it be . . .PUNK? Because -- let's face it -- before anything else we are MALE ANIMALS. Before anything else -- and whether THEY like or not -- other human animals respond first and foremost to our MALE PHYSICAL ANIMAL MAGNETISM. The reminds of another MST moment: Joel Robinson dressed up like "The Master" from Manos: The Hands of Fate (but with big feet on his cape instead of demonic hands), trying to command the 'bots with his deep, hypnotic voice and his MALE PHYSICAL ANIMAL MAGNETISM: Joel: Salutations, imperfect one! I am The Master and you are mysteriously drawn to me! Everything I say you must do right away without having to ask twice. I am evil and mean and unforgiving! In your brokenness, you have failed and now must repent. Bow down now before me! BOW DOWN! Servo: Oh, hi Joel. Joel: Well, come on, Tom, I was just commanding you to do my will. Besides, look: Come to me, for I am the magnet and you are steel! Servo: Well, you look like Maude. Joel: C'mon, I did this clothing to induce power and manliness. And look, I've got a horrifying hellbeast right here. Pretty scary. Servo: You just look like a Maude, with a hellbeast. Crow: Oh, you mean Estelle Getty? The REAL master, one magnetic hunk of male animal (courtesy of The Agony Booth)  But back to the pitch for whatever it turns out to be: Raw physical strength and power EMANATES unstoppably from the man who owns it, PENETRATES those around him...and IMMEDIATELY AWARDS him a secret advantage. I don't think penetrating others for secret advantage is what a gentleman would do. Men and women both YIELD INSTINCTIVELY to your superior physical presence. I'm sorry, but it's hard-wired into our reptilian brains! We can't help it! Wasn't somebody from Townhall explaining to us not too long ago how it's a GOOD THING that the manly George Bush manipulates our reptilian brains by having Homeland Security announce a heightened threat whenever we petty mortals need distracting? Oh, right, it was Kathleen Parker, with her scientific paper "In praise of lizard brains": "It's not about left wing vs. right wing," writes Huffington. "It's about left brain vs. right brain." And then she explains that the amygdala, the fear-generating portion of the brain (a.k.a. lizard brain), clicks into survival mode when you're threatened. The reflexive process is set in motion: fight, flight or freeze. Huffington explains that Americans' support for Bush constitutes an infantile dependence on authority (Daddy) to protect us from danger. To which one is compelled to respond: Damned tootin'. So, I guess George must possess the power success secrets of the triple-alpha male, even though you wouldn't think it to look at him. So, you had better learn how to take advantage...or remain a sorry second to those men of power who OWN THE SECRETS OF MALE PHYSICAL MAGNETISM. Do YOU want to remain a sorry second to George Bush and Doug Giles, or do you want to KICK THEIR BUTTS, LOOT THEIR HOMES, AND TAKE THEIR WOMEN?  Okay, maybe not Laura, but Doug probably has a nice wife -- I mean, she doesn't care a bit that Doug goes hunting with the boys on their anniversary, forcing her to spend her evenings with the plumber, so she is undoubtedly quite forbearing and stuff.  And even if you weren't sexually attracted to her (because you're gay, for instance), I think she'd probably be very understanding, having had experience with this kind of thing.  God, imagine if this newfound strength and power increased your edge over others by just five percent, what more you'd gain! They're pitching their product to GOD??? You MUST, MUST have the following: A type of exercise that rips the excess fat off your bones so fast you'd swear it happened while you slept! -- Nothing generates contempt and disrespect and disgust faster than a paunchy gut -- however much others try to hide it! Because a righteous, triple-alpha male specimen has a lean, hungry "I'll eat-you-alive" kind of look -- a combustible mix of threat and attraction. Speaking for myself, being eaten alive is not what I'm really looking for in a relationship.  And I happen to believe that what actually generates contempt in others is being so superficial, insecure, and gullible as to believe that one can become a leader of men (and women) by merely looking muscular (and hungry).  Triple-alpha males NEVER, NEVER accept second best -- in anything! And triple-alpha males damn sure don't accept second-best when it comes to choosing the fastest, surest way to instant, yet permanent gains in power and strength! Didn't they find that there was a high preponderence of men with double-Y chromosones in prison?  So, while I'm willing to believe that triple-alpha males don't settle for second-best, I'm wondering how many of them are now beating up their fellow inmates because they can't settle for the burnt pork chop or the hairy, unattractive cellmate. As a subscriber to NewsMax, we know you're a male who hates B.S., who hates the wishy-washy, who hates flakiness, who hates the namby-pamby -- and who particularly hates to be a second-rater (read abject loser) in anything you do... That's me to a "T"!!! The word is just getting out about this incredible program for massively boosting male animal magnetism. Right now your competitors could be among the elite few already forging ahead to unprecedented levels of strength and power. Don't set yourself up to lose your edge and get trampled under foot -- because you failed to act in time! GO HERE NOW TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE FOREVER. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that my competitors (TBogg, Sadly, No!, Roger Ailes, Norbizness, etc.) are already among the elite few who are more manly than me.  So, I'm afraid I will have to pass on this exciting opportunity, NewsMax.  I just ask my competitors to trample me gently. 4:21:14 AM

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Who Said It? First, the answers from last time: 1.  Doug Giles.  Doug was exhorting us to have a pit bull attitude, a bit he apparently ripped off from some old lady, just like he stole that whole creativity thing from last week from somebody else (Bartholomew has the whole story). 2.  Dr. Mike Adams.  Dr. Mike was just telling us that he don't need no stinkin' tenure because HE has a Townhall column, and also knows some 13-year-olds who emailed him and said they were really hot female lawyers who wanted to cyber! 3.  Jen Shroder.  Jen was once again expounding on her theory (which, oddly enough, was even mocked by Fox News) that it was WITCHES who killed Laci Peterson.  (You know, just like they killed Sharon Tate because her husband made the movie Rosemary's Baby.)   And the reason that there's not any evidence that Satanists were involved in this case (or the murders of every other person who has disappeared from California over the past 50 years) is that the head vampire is Dick Cheney!!! Or something like that. 4.  Pastor Swank.  The Pastor was off his medication and ruminating about how Katie Couric is the antichrist. 5.   Jonah Goldberg, the world's foremost expert on cheese-eating surrender monkeys (except for Groundskeeper Willie, but he's a foreigner, and so doesn't count) was just telling us that a couple of books say that the French have no right to act snooty towards us, and, in fact, should bow down and thank us for having saved their butts in the 100 Years War.  So, congrats to Bill S., Ted, Vivek, and Gary Kleppe.  Points also to everybody else who did such a good job making fun of our fantasic five, and to everybody who took advantage of the drunken Jeff Perado and got a free copy of his very intriguing-sounding manuscript (you can email him at stutz@unlv.nevada.edu if you want to join the fun). Now, who said this:  1.  One reason I plan to emigrate at the earliest opportunity is that I have what I believe to be a well-founded fear that Canada is, at the most, a half-decade away from the point where political expression on the issues of Islam and other matters will be fully criminalized. [...] I’ve prepared plans to, if necessary, flee a political prosecution and seek asylum in the United States. Hint: The United States has prepared plans to, if necessary, put David Frum's and Mark Steyn's heads on spikes on the U.S./Canadian border as a warning to this bloodthirsty loon to not try to enter our country. 2.  Condoleezza Rice takes the black base and she takes the female base that's absolutely essential for Hillary's victory. Rice is the only person who can stop Hillary Clinton from being president. Hint: A thousand years from now, expect this guy to be predicting that Hillary Clinton is planning to rise from the dead and challenge Nixon's head for the presidency of Earth.  2:18:03 AM