December 19, 2004 by s.z.

Happy Birthday, Yosef! Yes, it's time to celebrate the birth of the Reason for the Season, Yosef, the hottest young conservative writer on the Internets! While there are those who are declaring war on Yosefday, trying to remove all mention of Yosef from our celebrations, we declare that they are enemies of the state, and order you to defame their good names, boycott their businesses, and spit in their Cokes when you deliver their fast food orders. Sadly, we have to add Mr. and Mrs. George W. Bush to the list.  We checked their website, and saw the following: Welcome to a Season of Merriment and Melody Throughout the world, the holiday season is greeted by joyful music that brightens hearts and evokes wonderful memories. This year’s theme brings to the White House the magic of holiday songs that have been favorites for generations of Americans. As you will notice, they said "holiday season" and "holiday songs."  They didn't mention Yosef or Yosefday, which is the only reason we have the month of December.  We call on you to boycott their business, along with other offenders like Macey's, Liberty University 'n Bait Shop, and Jeb's Christian Governor's Shack. But in any case, Happy Birthday, Yosef, and many happy returns of the day, and best of luck defending your "Hottest Young Conservative on the Internets" title for another year. 10:49:31 PM

A "So-So Writer"?  Hardly! Doug Giles has cut short his lessons on manliness (I mean the ones he was giving to readers of Townhall -- he's probably continuing to study gladiator movies for his own edification) so that he can bring up another important issue: how come churches won't buy his manly, rugged art? Here's the condensed version of this week's column, "Christianity and the Arts": The Church’s view of art as unspiritual, or even idolatrous, has created an aversion and an antagonism to art [...] Traditionally, when the Church has been at the top of its game, [...] they got the message that beauty and culture come from God, and that beauty and culture are good, and they didn’t need a 968-word column, written by a so-so writer, to defend it.  My ClashPoint is this: Church … where has the brilliant art gone?  Yeah, we can't find those images of Doug's art either, not even using Google.  And if you've never seen Doug's oil painting of Christ on the cross, then you've missed seeing Jesus' penis (as far as we know).  That's about all there is to the lesson from Doug this week.  However, since they're having a crappy conservative analogy contest over at Daily Kos, I thought we could review the metaphors and similes from Doug's column.  Because if ever there was a contest Doug should win, this is it. Thus, being veritable Mini-Me’s of Jehovah, we should be brimming over with creative, artistic life. Let’s face it: the 21st-century Church has a view of the arts that is lower than a flea hitching a ride on the underbelly of a 117-lb. Dachshund.  And then we come to the detail of His work; God’s eye for design makes Rembrandt’s efforts look like stuff turned out by a boorish Spartan metalworker.  Yes, from a creative standpoint, God is more prolific and imaginative than Picasso at his easel, whipped up on a double espresso, with his mistresses out of town. Since God is the self-existent Lord of the universe and accountable to no one, he could have made the world in which we live completely beige.  He could have been a minimalist who only shops at West End.  As a piece of literature, the Bible is incredibly rich and diverse [...] If it were truly represented on film, there is no question the movie would be rated R, since the Bible is filled with characters that make a bar on South Beach look like a Young Republican staff meeting.  I think any fair person would say that these examples are much more impressive than anything at Kos, even the quote from Peggy Noonan about bubbling meaning that inspired the contest.  I will be waiting for them to award Doug his "accolades, mojo, and possibly a spot on the New York Times editorial page." Bonus: Doug just doesn't do metaphor -- he's also a master of alliteration and rhyme! Unless you’re one of Darwin’s droogies, and you believe that we evolved from the goo, to the zoo, to you, then you’re a creationist ... No wonder his book Political Twerps, Cultural Jerks, Church Quirks is on the bestseller list! Where are the books that are weighty and transcendent, books with a shelf life of 500 years, versus the five weeks my last book had?  Well, maybe not exactly a bestseller, but a self-published book of his old columns.  Same thing, really. 4:45:21 AM