January 10, 2005 by s.z.

The Kids Aren't All Right Doug Giles lives in a Cinemax Late Nite Movie: I was sitting at our neighborhood pool New Year’s morning, enjoying the great South Florida weather while trying to grind out a couple of chapters for my new book, Because all pit bulls bring chapters of their new book to the pool with them  -- it impresses the bitches.  when three high school girls took the chaise lounges next to me and started talking about their New Year’s Eve party with their high school mates.  Seemingly still semi-drunk from the party, the 16- and 17-year-old girls began to recount how much coke, weed, vodka, guys and girls they did the night before.  And then the girls asked Doug if he would help them apply their suntan lotion, and the next thing you know, he's writing a letter to the Penthouse Forum, the new book long forgotten. And that's why you should always go to the pool early on New Year's morning -- you just might bag you some hungover, drugged-up highschool girls. Listening to the F-bomb riddled report of the previous night’s peccadilloes left me thinking, how sad … and … what a waste … and … thank God my wife and I yanked our kids out of the public school system and away from these visionless, dissolute and spoiled morons. It’s been eleven months since we pulled our teenage daughters out of the public school system and started to home school them, and I could kick myself for waiting so long. We remember when that happened  -- threats of a** capping were involved.  And to show you just how awful the kids are where Doug lives (we blame "CSI Miami"), here's part of a February column which dicusses the kind of trash that fills up the public schools. It’s bad enough my girls have to see and hear things from fellow students that single sailors on leave in Borneo don’t see and hear, Dr. Michael Krop High School: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. but now they get an overt inoculation regarding homosexuality sanctioned by their teachers and paid for by MY tax dollars.  It seems that the girls "were exposed to 'It’s Okay to Be Gay' propaganda presented by high school students."  And since Doug knows it's not okay to be gay, he was really annoyed at those high school students who used his tax dollars to contradict his views in front of his daughters.  And by March he realized that children are not just our most precious resource, they are also our most dangerous enemies. There’s a violent internal menace that has plagued our land since the close of the 20th century.  You know who I’m talking about — that radical and now unpredictable enemy — our kids!  The only solution is to get them before they get us! Yes, it used to be that all we had to worry about was "a demented adult drifters who misinterpreted Beatles’ songs, or a gay mailman posing as a clown," but "the tail end of the 20th century shifted that paradigm to include 'nice kids' from suburbia tanked up on Mountain Dew and Nietzsche." Doug really has it in for Mountain Dew:   Where Are God’s Warriors and Wild Men?  ... rather than ubiquitous prints of fat baby angels who look like they’ve got a good buzz going from too much Mountain Dew and children’s ...  The Military, Michael Moore and Metrosexual Madness ...on your computers, sitting in your tattered underwear drinking Mountain Dew and eating ... etc. I think that as a child he must have been molested by a Precious Moment figurine that was all hopped up on Mountain Dew. But back to the story about how teens are the root of all evil. Think I’m hallucinating? No, of COURSE not!  I too often worry about the threat posed by Mountain Dew to our precious bodily fluids. The situation I described above [somebody said he was "going to 'stab'  someone or 'pop a cap' in a student’s a**"] happened just last month to my 14 year old daughter at Dr. Michael Krop High School in North Miami, Florida, and the student who threatened my girl’s life and who has charges pending against him was allowed back into the school, unsupervised, after 10 days’ detention.  Needless to say, my daughter is no longer attending that school, and sadly, my family is officially finished with the public school system. So, how are the girls (who would now be 15 and 13) doing? Well, they are "alpha females," meaning that they are always victorius in the fights with the other females who try to steal their male (which would be, ew!, Doug).  Well, they are on top until those Triple-Alpha Males we read about last week come along, and challenge them to a sit-up match or something. But these alpha Gilettes don't miss school.  No, not one bit.  For now they don't have to deal with the "the lesbian, queer and over-the-top heterosexual make-out sessions during their lunch break." (I TOLD you Doug lived in Cinemax flick!) And they are not "goofy-looking home-schooled inbred stooges" -- no, Doug's "ladies are sharp, solid and full of holy chutzpah. "  So, they should be really easy to marry off to the goofy-looking, inbred stooge offspring of the other wingnut, religious fanatic homeschooling parents, when betrothal time comes (which for the elder daughter should be later this year). So, what do they do with all the time they save from not learning that it's okay to be gay, or by not spending their lunch hours watching the queers making out? They’re clipping along at a nice pace, taking classes like macro-economics, logic, Latin, intelligence and national security, and afterward, pursuing the martial art of jiu-jitsu from the world-famous Gracie family, surfing and occasionally going with me big game hunting and fishing.  With an educational background like that, they should have no trouble whatsoever finding fulfilling, lucrative jobs as mercenaries and/or NRO columnists. But speaking of big game hunting, you are invited to Hunt Along With Doug!  Come Hunt South Africa with Doug Giles and Shabalala Safaris. June 2nd - the 9th 2005 we will be pursuing greater kudu, trophy gemsbok, massive wildebeest and giant eland together with twenty other species in the Limpopo Province of South Africa. This hunt is offered on first come first served basis. Shabalala is a great family owned and operated safari company in a game rich province. Live the hunters dream and hunt Africa with us! Space is limited to SIX hunters. Call 786.28Clash for more 411. Better hurry and reserve your space before Mike Adams, Dick Cheney, and "Fat Tony" Scalia kill all the kudzu and trophy germans! 4:55:48 AM

Who Said It? From last time: I was physically attacked this year.  [...] I think one is still in prison. It is a funny thing, that they ended up in prison—enjoying the benefits of gay marriage. One guy with a broken shoulder and one with a broken nose. And that was when I was traveling totally unprotected. Let ’em try it again, they’ll end up dead.  As Bobgoodfellow and the rest of you quickly guessed, our last Mystery Guest was Ann Coulter.  As you know, her "physical attack" was being the target of a pie -- which she managed to sidestep.  Notice how she rejoices over the thought that these brutal thugs who threw a dessert in her direction are now in jail, "enjoying the benefits of gay marriage," as she so charmingly refers to rape.   And per Ann, these dangerous felons will be dead if they try it again, because ever since Bush got his mandate, the penalty for pie throwing is DEATH!  So, it's just as well that the Three Stooges are no longer around, because "Dead Stooges walking" is just plain sad. Anyway, in case I don't manage to get anything else posted, identify the three individuals who said the following: 1. We pour millions of dollars into the public education system every year. So why is it that so many minority children have difficulty reading above a fourth grade level? Fifty years after Brown vs. Board of Education, we need to ensure that our children are receiving a decent education, regardless of income, background, or race. This need was not lost on President Bush, who passed the bi-partisan No Child Left Behind Act. Where did all that education money go anyway? 2.  American society does not need even one more woman lawyer, professor or junior executive. Frivolous lawsuits will be filed, students will be brainwashed with leftist propaganda, and tedious Powerpoint demonstrations will be assembled with or without female assistance. Instead, what American society needs is women strong enough to be the anchors of their marriages, the foundation of their children's lives and the bedrock of our civilization. So, little missy, you just go back to being an anchor, or a ball-and-chain, or whatever it is you women do, and let the MEN file the frivolous lawsuits, brainwash the college students, write the tedious science fiction novels, and run Mensa.  Oh, and get me a sandwich while you're up being the bedrock. 3.  Speaking as a foreigner — which I believe entitles me to vote in up to three California congressional districts [...] One reason the party has shriveled away to Greater New England plus the "minority neighborhoods" of a few cities is that it's all fringe, and no mainstream: The base is out of control; the kooks still holding their postelection vigil outside one of Mr. Kerry's mansions sound no loopier than the big-time senators. The party has no urge to move on from moveon.org. Democrats should just stop contesting elections, roll over, and die.  For only this way can they become worthy adversaries to the all-powerful Republicans. Hint: Speaking as a foreigner, this guy wrote a book entitled America Alone: Our Country's Future as a Lone Warrior. 2:34:36 AM

Test Your Knowledge Now it's time to see how well-informed you are about what's REALLY important: the Brad/Jennifer breakup. Sexy telephone conversations between Brad Pitt and [...] were the final nail in the coffin of the Hollywood hunk's marriage to Jennifer Aniston, according to a report in News of the World. Aniston reportedly overheard an "intimate love chat" between Pitt and [...] when she picked up a phone extension at her Hollywood home. Who was Brad's phone sex partner? A.  Angelina Jolie  B.  Tom Cruise C.  Penelope Cruz D.  Bill O'Reilly Answer: We like D the best, but the tabloids say A. 2:06:53 AM