Merry Townhall Christmas
Yes, this is the time each year when we celebrate those conservative Christians slain by torch-weilding mobs of secularists for saying the forbidden words "Merry Christmas." The Townhall pundits have, each in their own unique but remarkably similar way, honored the holiday with special "The Liberals Are Trying to Kill Christmas" columns. So, let's read some of the highlights from some of the merriest of the pieces, by some of the holly-jolliest of the pundits.
Charles, although Jewish, supports our fundamentalist Christian overlords, and would like to remind them that as a trusted TV personality he could be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground Jesus caves.
Christmas Day is an official federal holiday, the only day of the entire year when, for example, the Smithsonian museums are closed.
And if the Smithsonian museums are closed, you know it must prove something about Christmas. Like that it closes museums.
Are we to pretend that Christmas is nothing but an orgy of commerce in celebration of ... what? The winter solstice?
An orgy of commerce in celebration of the winter solstice? Sounds good to Dennis Prager, because at least THAT wouldn't be pagan! Well, maybe it would, but at least we wouldn't have to try to put lights on giant pumpkins.
Would you rather see gift giving associated with Halloween, for example? Wouldn't that signify that this society had now become overwhelmingly secular, if not pagan?
When you buy Christmas gifts, you bring joy to the recipients,
Or not
you feel good about giving, you have spent time thinking about what the recipients would like,
In theory
you keep many businesses alive, and most of all, you honor the holiday. It is incredible that all this is not obvious to everyone who cares about Christmas and about American society.
And if Jesus' life and ministry were about anything, they were about supporting local merchants.
3. A case of collective projection by David Limbaugh
But David Limbaugh doesn't hold with these Jewish notions, and claims that the incident where that one elementary school didn't include any Christmas carols on the holiday program is proof that American Christians are the most mistreated people in the world.
If anything, the assault on Christianity I chronicled in my book, "Persecution," is getting worse. Perhaps the perception that "moral issues" contributed to President Bush’s re-election has heightened the secular Left’s irrational fear of Christians.
If anything, the wingnut stupidity I chronicle in my blog is getting worse. Perhaps the perception by some "Christians" that they own the Presidency and Congress, and that Christianity is the national religion -- and yet they are STILL victims -- has heightened their irrational fear of "secular Leftists."
We’ve seen the acceleration of attacks on Christmas throughout the nation: the discriminatory banning of Christmas carols, Christmas cards and nativity scenes, the substitution of politically correct terms to replace "Christmas," and the systematic effort to paint Christmas as a symbol of exclusiveness and intolerance.
How many of these "attacks" have we really seen this year? A dozen, maybe? (And I'm counting a couple from other countries.) So, does that really point to "a worsening assault on Christianity," since these kinds of "attacks" have been going on for as long as I can remember?
If it does, it leads me to believe that the persecution recounted in David's book was just a bunch of whining about having to share this country with people who refuse to believe the same things he does. (Okay, I already had that belief, but his latest claim does nothing to change it.)
But Kathleen Parker tells us how Christians are being attacked daily by people who say "Happy Holidays," so maybe there really is persecution going on.
Yeah, I know what you mean Kathleen, you're saying "Motherf***** Cun*", and I don't think it's nice at all, especially in a holy place like Townhall.
No, wait, she's talking about "Merry Christmas"!
Let me begin by saying, "Merry Christmas." And, by the way, "Merry Christmas." Oh, and did I mention, "Merry Christmas"?
Kathleen, let me say "Shup up." And, by the way, "Shut your pie hole." And did I mention, "Please stop talking, you annoying, annoying person"?
Let's just say the "Merry Christmas" backlash has officially begun. After years of politically correct "Happy Holidays," and the annual assault on all things Christian in the public square, many Americans are declining to turn the other cheek.
Pissed-Off Americans. Rambo Americans. Americans who have guns and who aren't afraid to use them. So, you better watch out, you better not cry, you better say "Merry Christmas" with enough emphasis and conservative meaning, if you know what's good for you.
The MC backlash isn't only for, by or about Christians. It is a quintessentially American revolt against absurdity, the inevitable result of narcissistic, nihilist ninnies pushing too far.
Has Kathleen been taking alliteration lessons from Doug Giles?
Anyway, Kathleen (like all the other wingnuts) claims that everybody else gets to have their religious beliefs promulgated by the state, but do Christians get to have a National Creche on the Mall? Nooooo!
Of course, certain religious expressions are fine. If a tribe of Aqualishes wants to boil rhino horns in frog saliva on the National Mall to honor their deity, we'd have a commemorative postage stamp ready by next December. But let a Christian mention the baby Jesus to a kindergarten class and the ACLU wants an exorcism.
I'm not as versed on the topic of religious discrimination by stamps as, say, James Lileks, but I don't remember seeing any stamps honoring any tribal deities the last time I was at the post office.
But hey, let's go to the cab drivers, those infallible sources of commonsensical wisdom who always tell a pundit just what she wants to hear:
In Washington earlier this month, I made a point of saying "Merry Christmas" to everyone, including cab drivers who were more often than not Muslim or Hindu. Without exception, they swiveled around, smiled and said, "Merry Christmas to you, too!"
Hey, anything for a tip!.
Maybe it was just sugarplums doing the rumba in my head, but I could swear I detected appreciation and relief in these exchanges. Appreciation for the freedom that permits such expression and relief that somebody said it without apology.
Yes, the Muslim and HIndu cabdrivers were grateful and relieved that Kathleen only wished them "Merry Christmas," and didn't attack them with her umbrella, like they feared she might.
But let's see what Jonah Goldberg has to say about the matter.
Simply because there are more Christians than Jews or Muslims or atheists, doesn’t mean that Christians should always get the shaft. That said, Christians — or at least the politically organized ones — don’t do themselves any favors when they start talking like just another identity politics group. Christians seem to be complaining more this year than usual about the war on Christmas, even as they are finding more success. Arnold Schwarzenegger renamed the governor’s “holiday tree” a Christmas tree. George Bush is the first president ever to include a quote from scripture on his Christmas card. Besides, once “Merry Christmas” becomes a political statement, everyone loses.
Wow, that seems to make sense! It's a Christmas miracle!
So, let's go to Donald R. May for some more good, old-fashioned Christmas wingnuttery.
The liberal elite think their superior wisdom, and their control of education and the media, should convince us to become a bunch of pagans. They fantasize we will give up our guns, values, morals, and Constitution. They romanticize we will embrace socialized medicine, tolerate failing schools, and become mindless socialist whimps eager to be euthanized before becoming a burden on society.
I know that at the last Liberal Elite meeting I attended, that was pretty much the agenda. And first on the list was euthanizing Donald.
They especially hate Christmas as it is the most visible manifestation of Christianity and is celebrated by more people than any other holiday. The fact that Christ and Christmas are still so feared and hated can mean only one thing; Christ really was who He said He was.
I would like to rule the world, but nobody lets me. This proves that THEY (whoever they are) fear and hate me, and are persecuting me. This can mean only thing: that I really am Batman!
If The Ten Commandments, moral values, prayer, and Christmas are removed from our public schools, we are in grave danger. [...]If we allow Christmas to be taken from our public life and our educational system, if we allow our Constitution to be turned against us, if we fail to be a light of liberty unto the World, we will also deny freedom to a desperate World that will slip further into darkness. Just like the War on Terror, the battle for Christmas will be long and difficult.
Yes, just like Bill O'Reilly said earlier, "Christmas" really means "our very way of life," so if you say "Happy Holidays," the terrorists win.
And if you don't write a column about the Siege on Christmas, then you ARE a terrorist. Here are a few Townhallers whom John Ashcroft might want to "interogate."
7. Ben Shapiro
Ben's column, The Jimmy Carter Honorary Golden Peanut of Gall, derides Jimmy Cater, Michael Moore, Harry Reid, etc, not secularist leftist Anti-Christmas terrorists -- and this proves that Ben doesn'tsupport his evangelical Christian overlords No more book contracts from "Thomas Nelson, Inc .-- Publishers of Christian Books" for YOU, Ben.
But Ben does accuse John Kerry of having a lot of gall for mentioning God while being "atheistic," which shows Ben's support of Christianity (except for the Catholic part of it).
Kerry's gall provided my favorite moment of the presidential campaign. During the third presidential debate, President Bush was explaining how his religious beliefs shaped his policies. "In Afghanistan, I believe that the freedom there is a gift from the Almighty," he stated. The atheistic Kerry hilariously responded by attempting to out-God Bush: "I think that he just said that freedom is a gift from the Almighty. Everything is a gift from the Almighty." Everything, apparently, including a couple of loaded wives and a gift for inspired humbuggery.
Yes, everything, Ben. Including a regular gig at Townhall, a project of the Heritage Foundation. No, wait, that would make it a gift from Joseph Coors, Paul Weyrich, Richard Mellon Scaife, etc. So, a gift from Satan. But in any case, you'd better start supporting Christmas or else!
8. Brent Bozell
Brent rails against Those parochial Golden Globes for failing to give any awards to The Passion of the Christ, so while his column isn't about The Year the Liberals Killed Christmas, it's at least sorta on topic.
How many people know the Golden Globes are a tiny operation run by the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, which consists of only 83 voting members, all heavily lobbied by studio brass? It's better to think of the nomination process not as a measurement of art but as the Hollywood equivalent of a high-school popularity contest.[...]Not only was the Gibson film snubbed from Golden Globe nominations in every category; the exclusion was excluded from multiple news reports. There was no mention of the "Passion" snub in the Associated Press story, the Hollywood Reporter, The New York Times or The Washington Post.
Yup, Jesus didn't win the high school popularity contest, and it really hurt His feelings. I bet He's going to pull a Carrie to teach them all a lesson.
And isn't this another example of that persecution that David Limbaugh was talking about? I believe that failing to give awards to a Mel Gibson Jesus movie is even prohibited by the Geneva Conventions.
9. Suzanne Fields
Suzanne also fails to whine about the The Little Match Christmas, but she does credit Jenna Bush with saving education in her column "Orange alert in the classroom."
The first daughter rides to the rescue of fourth graders. That's good news, because they need all the help they can get. Jenna Bush can dress Texas-style in cowboy boots, belts and buckles, but it's what's under her Stetson that will make the difference.
And what is under Jenna's Stetson? A bottle of Grey Goose vodka, is my guess.
But anyway, if Jenna is the First Daughter, does that mean that her sister NotJenna has already been written out of the Bush family for failing to get a job that could show her saving Social Security by borrowing a lot of money?
Bonus Christmas Wingnuttery
It seems that poor James Lileks really got his feelings hurt by James Wolcott.
James Wolcott, a beloved blogger in the birding community, wrote about my Christmas column the other day.Actually, he wrote about what Instapundit wrote about it. Go read; I'll be here when you come back.
Well, actually you don't have to go read it, because Lileks gives you the highlights of Wolcott's post. Twice. And it seems that Wolcott got it all wrong.
Actually, the column had to do with the way clerks just seem flummoxed when you say “Merry Christmas,” something I noted after several outings at the mall. It also concerned the curious way the Post Office titled its “holiday” stamps.
Which certainly does not make Lileks a "crybaby Christian." Case closed.
No, wait -- Lileks isn't done rebutting everything Wolcott said twice and proving that Wolcott is just a big meanie poopiehead:
Back to this key line:
I think he's right. It just him, he is overly sensitive, and he doesn't get it, whatever "it" is.Perhaps. Perhaps it just me; Hulk dumb. Hulk want clerk say Merry Christmas. But I’m actually quite relaxed about the matter. I don’t care if the clerks don’t say Merry Christmas. Big deal. What amuses me is the sense of annoyance I detect when I say Merry Christmas to them. Aw, you had to do and say it. Now I gotta say it back to you or you’re going to think I don’t believe in Merry Christmas. Christ! The very words have taken on a peculiar charge in the retail world, and I think that’s interesting.
But again: if people use the phrase in a certain segment of a narrow island attached to the East Coast, I’m obviously talking through my hat. My tall, multi-level POPE HAT, worn for entries just like these.
Lileks is right. Just because the clerks whom Wolcott encounters in New York all dispense cherry "Merry Christmas"s to Wolcott, it doesn't mean that the Target clerks in Minnesota don't get annoyed when Lileks says the same phrase to them.
Heck, having worked retail during December for several years, I know that if somebody like Lileks had said "Merry Christmas" to me, I might have been annoyed. Yes, if I were working diligantly at the cash register, trying to get all the customers through the line as quickly as possible, the last thing I would need is some weird guy challenging me wth a militant "Merry Christmas." I'd think, "Oh, good grief, what more does he want from me? Does he expect me to say, 'God bless you, sir, for your gracious patronage of this store?' Does he want to tell me about his day? Is he going to share the latest cute Gnat story? Why won't he just take his purchase and his change and go? Since I'm only making minimum wage, they are NOT paying me enough to give this guy the social validation he so desperately craves. Maybe he should start a blog, so people like James Wolcott will pay some attention to him."
But that's probably just me, and it has nothing to do with Christmas, except that that's when retail clerks get the most annoyed at pests.
Note: in one of those classic little asides meant to endear him to the chic upper-left-side Mo-Dowd demographic whose uteruses have turned to something indistinguishable from papyri rescued from Herculanuem, he refers to me as a “blogger beloved in the daycare community.” [...]But when I read that, I thought: he has cats. Everything about his work suggests that he has cats. Not that there’s anything wrong with cats. I love cats, even though I prefer dogs. But sometimes you just get the impression of a soul whose incessant pissy hauteur is best expressed at the moment when they dump a stinky disk of fish guts into the bowl and mutter something clever to the elegant creatures feasting at their feet. The fact that the cats don’t quite get what you’re saying is irrelevant. No, on some level, cats get it. Whatever "it" is.
Yeah, just like three-year-olds do.
And when I recounted Lileks' crack about the chic upper-left-side's dried-up uteruses to my cats, they said they got it, but they didn't find it all amusing.
4:07:23 AM
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