November 24, 2004 by s.z.

Townhall Thanksgiving Dinner If you're like me, sometimes you find the holidays kind of depressing (more so now that there's not even an MST Turkey Day marathon to look forward to).  But despite everything, there is always something to be thankful for.  And to help YOU appreciate your blessings, I've assembled a Townhall family that you can be grateful that you don't have to spend time with on Thursday. But if you were there, I think it would go something like this . . . 1. Even before you've finished your carrot & raisin salad, annoying little brother, Ben Shapiro spouts off about how not everybody who voted for George Bush is an inbred hick.  He does this just so he can remind everybody that he is a violin virtuoso, and (wait for it!) a student at Harvard Law. If only hillbillies voted Bush, I’m an Orthodox Jewish hillbilly who plays violin, listens to Bach, Beethoven and Brahms, graduated from UCLA, and lives in Cambridge, Massachusetts while pursuing a degree in law from the Harvard Law School.  Of course, you throw your Pillsbury crescent roll at him, but that doesn't shut up the little bastard. Just like the vast majority of us hillbilly Bush voters, I believe in an active God, and I’m a fan of the National Rifle Association.  I love the police and the military, and I hate criminals and “freedom fighters.”  I’m a supporter of traditional marriage, and I like paying less taxes and giving more charity.  You sweetly ask him why his support of marriage doesn't include entering the institution himself (since he is over 20 now, and past the age when he should have started a home and begun to sire a passel of children), but he just ignores you. I listen to talk radio and watch Fox News.  I don’t subscribe to the New York Times, Washington Post, Los Angeles Times, Chicago Tribune, Time or Newsweek.  And I surely don’t watch CNN. You murmer that maybe ignoring reality is what caused him to vote for Bush -- but that just causes him to claim that he and his ilk are more moral than everybody else because they do ignore reality. Maybe we aren’t as “nuanced” as some of the “big city” liberals, but that’s because we believe in the ideas of good and evil.  Perhaps we’re hard line, but that’s because we don’t believe in mushing all politics into a gelatinous mass of root causes so as to provide an excuse for not solving anything.  Perhaps we’re old-fashioned, but we like our morality old-fashioned.   You intone softly, "Newt Gingrich, Bill Bennett, Henry Hyde, Rush Limbaugh,  Jack Ryan, Bill O'Reilly, Ann 'Man Hands' Coulter ... " This causes Bennie to break into sobs.  He kicks you hard in the shins, and then runs from the room.  Nobody seems to care. 2.  But then weird uncle Dennis Prager, who has been just waiting for a chance to deliver one of his tirades about how the culture is going to hell in a handbasket, starts in.  This rant is about the scandalous "Desperate Housewives"/Monday Night Football promo, and the Pacers/Pistons riot -- and how they teach us "important lessons." First, let's finally stop repeating the false notion that big business has conservative values. Big business has no values. Big businesses are concerned with making money for their stockholders. Nothing else matters to publicly owned companies. You say that OF COURSE big business is about making money, and ask him who has ever said that that big business, an as entity, was socially conservative?  He glares at you, and continues unabated. Liberals perpetuate the falsehood of big business as conservative for three reasons: They have a materialist view of the world (just about everything is explainable by economic status and motives; it aids in getting people to vote Democrat); many people resent the amorality of big companies; and it seems to counter the argument that the major news media are liberal -- "How could the news media possibly be liberal when they are all owned by large corporations!" You agree that big business is evil, and suggest that it be forced to give up its tax breaks and the favorable changes in legislation introduced under President Bush, in order to teach it a lesson.  Uncle Dennis twitches, but keeps on talking. Second, it is yet another example of how deep the values divide in America is that liberal commentators overwhelmingly ridiculed concern with ABC showing the raunchy promo right before televising the widely watched Monday Night Football game. You want to say that liberal commentators probably just ridicule Uncle Dennis on general principle, but he's really getting worked up, and you're afraid that this might give him a heart attack. Nothing about protecting children or the concept of public decency You indicate that it sounds like he's saying we should protect the concept of public decency by banning football. Uncle Dennis hisses, "Liberal bitch, why don't you go fuck yourself!"  Spittle flies everywhere. Liberal opinion makers tend to have little regard for an issue that deeply concerns most conservatives -- how high or low the decency level of public life is. That is why liberals are more likely to be apathetic toward public cursing as well as to public displays of sexual behavior. Indeed, they consider it the height of conservative hypocrisy for Republicans to order an R-rated movie in their hotel rooms, or curse privately and then object to such behaviors when done publicly. You reply that you think that it's great that Jack Ryan wanted to watch dirty movies in private and screw his wife in public, in order to show those stupid liberals a thing or two about about their misguided sensibilities. Uncle Dennis is not amused. For those -- conservative or liberal -- who do not see the difference between public and private behavior, I cite the simple example of a man relieving himself. In private it is perfectly appropriate; in public it is highly inappropriate. And to prove his point, Uncle Dennis gets up and pees into the green bean casserole. Everyone is really embarassed.  You all go into deep denial mode, the standard way of dealing with these kinds of incidents in your Townhall family, and pretend that nothing happened.  Then your mother quietly removes the casserole from the table, and your father calls "the home" and asks the attendants to come pick up Uncle Dennis.   But as the men in white suits strap the straight jacket on him and lead him out, he shrieks: When I was a kid, people got dressed up to go to ballgames, and the worst words fans screamed were "you're a bum" or "kill the ump." But, of course, many people smoked. Today there is no smoking even at outdoor stadiums, but many fans scream obscenities and routinely act like lowlifes. This is because we have substituted preoccupation with smoking for preoccupation with cursing.  Everyone continues to pretend that they don't hear anything, so they don't have to acknowledge that this is even more embarassing than his peeing in the beans. 3.  But just when you thought you could eat your candied yams in peace, step-Grandma Phyllis Schlafly brings up her latest conspiracy theory: that the "New Freedom Commission on Mental Health created by President George W. Bush in 2002" is going to declare that all the conservative kids in America are crazy, so that it can make them take dangerous prescribed drugs.  And then they will kill themselves, or worse yet, have to live with the stigma of having something about mental health included in their permanent file. Illinois became the first state to jump on board. By near-unanimous votes in 2003, the General Assembly passed the $10 million Illinois Children's Mental Health Act creating a Children's Mental Health Partnership, which is expected to become a model for other states. The partnership's plan, released July 16, calls for periodic social and emotional developmental examinations to be administered to all children, and for all women to be interrogated for depression during pregnancy and up to a year postpartum. From the way she says it, you can tell that she thinks these pregnant women are going to be interrogated by sadistic Nazis using bright lights and rubber hoses.  That's just how evil she thinks anything to do with mental health is. The partnership requires the Illinois State Board of Education to develop and implement a plan that incorporates social and emotional standards as part of the mandated Illinois Learning Standards, which are due on Democratic Gov. Rod Blagojevich's desk by Dec. 31. And from the way she says, "DEMOCRATIC Governor," you know that this is a key point in her theory. This inevitably opens up screening for politically incorrect attitudes and nonconformity with liberal attitudes of tolerance. You get her some tinfoil to put over her head, and slip her medication into her coffee, and she soon calms down, but not before asking plaintively: Will they face coercion and threats of removal from school, or child neglect charges, if they refuse privacy-invading interrogations or unproved medications? How will a child remove a stigmatizing label from his records? And you realize that her concern for the stigmatized children is really her way of dealing with the knowledge that everybody calls her "Crazy Phyllis" behind her back.  4.  Bitchy and self-righteous cousin Michelle Malkin uses the momentary silence to tell everyone about her own adorable children (who are homeschooled, you know), and then to segue into a screed about how the public schools are discriminating against Christians again. My 4-year-old daughter recently learned to say grace at mealtimes.  [...] In typical toddler fashion, my daughter is now absolutely fanatical about her new routine. Not only must we say grace before every meal, but also before each snack. Cousin Kathleen Parker says that in HER family, children learn to walk properly by the time they are two, and she would be mortified if her kids were still toddlers at the age of four.  Michelle pulls some horrible faces, which cause Kathleen to shut right up.  The snobs of secularism will no doubt disparage such simple-minded expressions of piety. They call us "Jesus freaks," "Bible-thumpers" and "fundies." They accuse us of being "weak" and of suffering from a "neurological disorder." You remind Michelle that it wasn't "snobs of secularism" who said she was suffering from a neurological disorder, it was Dr. Hendricks of the Mayo Clinic.  And he said it not because he saw Michelle and her kids saying grace over their juice boxes, but because he saw these photos of Michelle.  She flips you off, but continues.   They consider us such a threat that they have sought to expunge even the most innocuous references to thanking God in the public schools. You say that you talked to "the snobs," and they said that while they still consider Michelle such a threat that they think she should be interned, they aren't expunging God because of her -- that's just her delusion of grandeur speaking. Here in my home state of Maryland, according to the Annapolis Capital, "Maryland public school students are free to thank anyone they want while learning about the 17th century celebration of Thanksgiving -- as long as it's not God." True to the religio-phobic conception of educational "diversity," Maryland public school officials have turned Thanksgiving into a multicultural harvest devoid of its spiritual essence. Students are taught that Pilgrims had a "belief system," but nothing further. You ask cousin Michelle if she wants public school children to have to spend a semester learning Puritan theology as part of their second grade curricum.  She says she thinks that would be a much better use of their time than learning about non-white cultures.  She then goes back to that newspaper article written by a student reporter who seems to have talked to all of 4 people within the schools, none of them teachers. Not to worry, though. "The Pilgrim Story is read in Spanish and English," Alfreda Adams, principal at Mills-Parole Elementary School in Anne Arundel County where 70 Hispanic students attend, told the Capital. "We make sure that we celebrate all cultures." Michelle really sneers when she says the words "Hispanic" and "all cultures."  Then she catches a glimpse of her reflection in her spoon, scares herself, and has to go lie down. 5.  This allows Matt Towery his chance to monopolize the conversation.  Matt is your sister's ex-husband -- he had nowhere else to go, and so was invited to dinner because everybody felt sorry for him (until they remember how annoying he is).  He begins to further expound on his theory of making airlines profitable by raising ticket prices beyond the reach of people who wear tank tops and flip-flops. In response to my suggestion that the airlines should price seats based on the cost per passenger and a standard mark up, what used to be Business 101, she [a purported college student who allegedly read his last column] wrote: "If the airlines raised their fares to compensate for the costs of operations and the fares were marked up for a profit, those airlines would lose the business of the less-frequent traveler and those unwilling to pay outrageous prices." So let me get this straight: Airlines can't price in order to make a profit because those who don't travel much or who don't want to pay their fair share wouldn't be able to fly? Wow. Well, let's just redistribute the wealth and completely capture the "people who want other people to pay for them" demographic. To be fair, the comment doesn't shock me. It is reflective of the opinion among many in America who really do believe that, when it comes to air travel, health care or a multitude of other services, they should pay only what they want to pay, and others should shoulder the burden of the difference between what they want to pay and what the particular good or service being provided actually costs. You mention, once again, that airlines charge more for some tickets than they do for others because they WANT to fill up the planes, and they can't do that with only the business travelers (who pay full coach fares because they want the flexibility that comes with refundable tickets and last minute purchases, not because they are being discriminated against).  Matt just looks at you blankly, apparently still under the misapprehension that the goverment is forcing airlines to subsidize the trailer trash travel industry as part of their "Communism in the Air" plan. It's this concept that is not only killing airlines, but ultimately will place an impossible burden on the same person who is now, say, a college student. The same young person who currently enjoys the cheap fare underwritten by some other passenger will someday have to pay more and more toward a Social Security system from which he or she might never have the opportunity to benefit. Ditto for the high cost of health insurance he or she will have to pay. The list goes on and on. You ask Matt if his point is that people SHOULDN'T have to ever pay more in insurance premiums than they will get in claims; or that once an old person has been given out more in social security than they paid in, they should be cut off, or killed?  He says yes, that this seems only fair.  He then starts whining about how another thing that's not fair is making men pay insurance premiums that are used to pay for maternity benefits for WOMEN, when men never get pregnant.  At this point, your sister goes after him with the paring knife, and everybody else heads for TV, to see if there are any bare boobies or naked Nicolette Sheridans to be glimpsed.  So, another traditional Townhall Thanksgiving.  Again, be thankful that you aren't there for it. 3:25:51 AM

Who Said It? Bill S. was the first to correctly identify our first two mystery guests from Monday, James Lileks and Doug Giles. [Speaking of Lileks, be sure to check out Sadly, No!'s further analysis of Hewitt's nominees for Safire's job.  For instance, here's part of his talking points on Gnat's Dad: Pro: Leading international expert on Target. Con: Leading international expert on Target. I think we know enough just from that to say that Lileks should not only get Safire's former job, but also Safire's house and wife. Oh, and speaking of Giles, we were remiss in not providing you with his ClashPoint: My ClashPoint is this: The Church would be helped immensely if more pastors were to spiritually breed for ecclesiastical and cultural courage instead of the Sunday morning poodle show. So, pastors should do more spiritual "breeding"  (presumably amongst themselves, because the wimmin folk aren't tough enough to be pitbulls), to make them more manly and pugnacious.  And they should do it doggy-style!] But back to our other winner from last time: commenter bgn correctly identified our Super Mystery Guest as Michael Barone.  To help you get to know Michael better, here's part of a blurb from his latest book, Hard America, Soft America: Who's Packing a Rod, and Who's Impotent in the USA. Pick your adjective. He is the brilliant Michael Barone. The encyclopedic Michael Barone. The unparalleled Michael Barone.... Being around him is to be in a constant state of saying 'Gee, Michael, I didn't know that.' -- National Review Now, don't you feel cheated because you don't get to hang out with him? Anyway, time for our new Mystery Guest to enter and sign in please. So, who said this on October first? Khan's group, CAIR, has too often served as an apologist for that radical strain within Islam. And said this a couple of weeks ago? These symptoms sound remarkably AIDS-like, don’t they? An AIDS diagnosis would certainly accord with what is widely known about Arafat’s personal way of life. (Some of the lurid, homoerotic details can be found in the memoirs of Lt. Gen. Ion Pacepa, former head of Romanian intelligence under Nicolae Ceausescu.) And then said this yesterday? I should probably alert readers that two weeks ago I was served with libel papers by CAIR Canada in connection with a column that run in the National Post on October 1. 1:50:27 AM