November 18, 2004 by s.z.

Who Said It? Our last Mystery Guest (the guy who was sorry that Kerik withdrew from the nomination process because Bernie had "first-person urgency" was indeed the loathesome Hugh Hewitt.  Congrats to Clif for being the first to identify Hugh. Now, who said this in a 2002 email to his wife? Your comments at our pool-side dinner with the kids that you and I should race to see who could make a million dollars faster, your belief expressed in different ways that I have not made enough money, your belief that it was easy to make money, and that Jamal Daniel's plotting or Dad's influence will be the magic answer to our financial woes all cause me consternation and reflect the bitterness and anger that has come from the loneliness you described Friday.  It is very clear that we are failing to meet each other's core needs. We're almost out of money and I've lost my patience for being compared to my brothers, for being put down for my inability to make money, and tired of not being loved. And because he was tired of being compared to his brothers and stuff, he wanted a divorce. (Of course, he WAS being loved, but his wife just didn't know it at the time ... ) 10:14:36 PM

They Don't Make Them Like They Used To TBogg analyzed the Ben Shapiro column we looked at a couple of days ago, and noted that Ben seems to have some screwed-up ideas about women (and sex).  As TBogg put it: Of course the first woman to have sex with Ben will be a dewy virginal flower who will bestow the gift of her virtue upon Ben. Unfortunately for her, after forty-seven seconds of frenzied Shapiro-schtupping, she'll just be another common whore. It's hard being a girl... Well, the first woman to have sex with Ben should be his virginal wife -- and after the 47-seconds of bliss, she should never want to have sex again until it's time to plant another bun in the warmer, because nice women don't like sex (well, at least not sex with Ben). But anyway, while I was looking through old magazines for horrifying images of Santa Claus, I came across an article in a 1953 Ladies Home Journal which could help Ben find the right girl to marry.  It's called "Girls Who Will Be Good Wives."  Here are the highlights: Through analytical research, we have identified certain basic personality factors which greatly affect a girl's chances of being happy and successful as a wife and of bringing happiness to a husband. Outlook on Life.  A girl capable of being a good wife and mother values a happy marriage and family life above all else. She is agreeable, ready to listen to suggestions and to act on them if acceptable. She chooses friends who are honest, conservative, and who conform to accepted standards of behavior.  She dislikes carelessness in dress or personal appearance. She takes for granted that a wife should accept her husband's leadership, but believes neither partner should dominate the other. She is thrifty, conservative, dislikes making important decisions in haste or without seeking advice.  She likes people older than herself (which will help her to be a good daughter-in-law). Conformity.  The happy wife-to-be is not a crusader or reformer, but she has a strong sense of responsibility and wants to live up to the expectations of family, friends, and the community. She looks forward to homemaking as her major career, considers parenthood implicit in marriage, and wants to have children, and recognizes that as a wife, she will have responsibilities to her husband, her children, and society. Basically religious, she believes that a wife should attend church and should see that her children attend as well. Prudence.  From childhood onward, the girl likely to be happy in marriage has been foresighted and discreet.  She doesn't take unnecessary chances, and has a healthy fear of such hazards as unlighted streets at night or violent storms. In addition to these general and fundamental traits, the girl likely to be happy as a wife usually has possesses certain others more directly related to her capacity to achieve a satisfactory sex adjustment in marriage.  These are: Realism: Even though she may not as yet have any sexual desire, she is willing to trust her husband and learn from him.  Wanting to be lovable, she is fastidious about grooming and appearance. Maturity: Because of her confidential relationship with her parents, she has some knowledge of sex, and is not apathetic or unduly repressed. Tranquility: She is serene, confident, not tormented by jealousy, free from complexes about sex. These, then, are the basic characteristics of a girl cut out to be a good wife.   So, Ben, find yourself a girl who is agreeable, docile, biddable, conservative, thrifty, religious, conservative, concerned with her appearance, scared of storms, and conservative.  She should be a conformist, willing to let you be the boss, and more concerned about other's opinions than her own.  Her greatest ambition in life should be to be your wife.  And she will be conservative.  Oh, and while she will not have any sexual feelings prior to that night you make her a woman, she will also not have any complexes about sex -- so she may not understand it if you ask her to dress up like Ann Coulter before you do the deed. 4:45:59 AM

Why Do Libruls Hate Christmas? Koufax-nominated commenter (well, if he hasn't been nominated yet, I will do the honors) Glenstonecottage quoted some of Peggy Noonan's advice to Democrats to cynically exploit religion and Christmas to win the hearts and minds of the American people, and then provided a charming rhyme.  I offer it herewith, because it's better than anything I could come up with on my own:  This would be taking a stand on an issue that roils a lot of people, and believe me those people don't think conservatives are scrubbing America of Christmas, they think it's liberals; and they don't think it's Republicans, they think it's Democrats. Every Winger in Nutville liked Christmas a lot But the Libruls, who lived north of Nutville, Did NOT! The Libruls hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season! Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason. It could be 'cause they're traitors, and they'd rather burn flags. It could be that Libruls are really just fags But I think that the most likely reason of all Is because Libruls' Bibles are two testaments too small... I think Glenstone is on to something!  (And not "on something," as it looked like to me when I just reread this.)  Great job, Mr. Cottage! But I would also offer the following hypothesis: Libruls hate Christmas because of subconscious feelings about Santa Claus passed down to them from their ancestors, who realized that Santa is crazy and scary. To support this, I submit the following evidence: first, this illustration from a 1949 ad for Meadow Gold dairy products: So, imagine a kid in 1949 seeing this ad -- how is he or she going to feel about a crazy guy who looks lustfully at wasp-waisted women while holding his knife and fork with his fists, and who shoots laser beams out of his eyes at the family dinner?  And this is the guy who can see you when you're sleeping, who knows when you're awake?!  To use a favorite MST phrase, "good old-fashioned nighmare fuel!" It is possible that this isn't meant to be the REAL Santa, because the copy says "If your family's Santa is like most fathers, he has a 'strong weakness' for stuffing."  Thus, perhaps Meadow Gold was just breaking the news to children that their parents had lied to them, and Santa was really their Dad (and that he was insane, and also had the hots for Aunt Betty).  If so, that alone is enought to cause the parents or grandparents of todays "Libruls" to have had weird feeligs about Santa, and to have transmitted these emotions to their offspring. My second piece of evidence is a postcard my Grandmother received in 1912 from her cousin Venna:  Notice that Santa is NOT a "chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf."  No, he is a dour, frostbitten guy with the "lean and hungry look" of a guy who plans to stab Julius Caesar -- or those moppets in the bed if they wake up and see him stealing their stockings.  Also note that his suit is an unwholesome shade of purple -- either he carelessly washed it with a blue T-shirt, or else its caked in dry blood . . . Oh, and also note that the tots' parents left them to sleep in a room with lit candles on a tree.  Was this because these adults were too drunk to notice the fire hazard, or because they hoped the kids would die in an "accident" during the night?  In either case, this is not a postcard meant to inspire good feelings in impressionable children. So, the psychic trauma which the Libruls' ancestors experienced when they viewed these kinds of images could account for the Libruls oft-noted desire to wipe out Christmas for everybody else, as manifested by their slapping Christian children by wishing them "Seasons Greetings." At least, that's one theory (and, like the theory of evolution, is probably sinful and wrong). 3:12:57 AM

Just Read the 'Children' That Passage from 'I Am Charlotte Simmons' Note to conservative reviewers of Mary Eberstadt's Home-Alone America: while YOU may think that her claim that parents need to stay home to keep their 23-year-old "children"  from having sex is a compelling one, most normal people don't.  As we noted in reference to Rich Lowry's review of the book, I doubt that many "children" over the age of 21 are really having sex (and contracting those non-life threatening STDS that are the supposed cause of concern) in their parents' houses, since the "kids" are probably out on their own by then.  But Mona Charen also feels that Eberstadt's claim is "persuasive."  Some of her claims are more persuasive than others. The data on teenage sexuality are familiar but no less disturbing for that. Eleven percent of 15- to 24-year-olds are infected with genital herpes, and 33 percent of females in this age group are believed to have human papillomavirus (HPV), which increases the risk for various cancers of the reproductive tract. Where are the kids contracting these sexually transmitted diseases? They are contracting them in empty homes between the hours of 3 p.m. and 6 p.m., when they are often left unsupervised. I guess somebody should just come out and say it: mothers, if you are leaving your adult children unsupervised at any time, they may be having sex!!!  Dedicate your life to making sure that they don't. 1:08:47 AM