February 12, 2005 by s.z.

Who Said It? Big Townhall Edition 

Hey, it's the weekend and I'm tired, so YOU do the work today. 

But first, the answer to our last WSI?, which asked you to name the thin-skinned TV host who claimed that any criticism of him was a criticism of the "millions of people all over the world" who happen to catch a couple of seconds of his show while channel surfing.

Yes, it was Bill O'Reilly, the man who, as revealed on the documentary "Law & Order," was sued for sexually harassing a former assistant, and then paid her several million bucks to settle the case because she had tapes of the conversations.  Oh, and he had just written a moralistic book for kids.  And on his way out of a book signing, he was shot by a somebody in a ski cap, possibly Frank Rich, Hillary Clinton, or Richard Cohen. 

(Okay, most of the ep was actually based on a real case involving a manipulative woman who got an her unstable lover to murder her rich, older husband.  It was recently featured on one of those cable true crime stories shows, but I can't remember many of the particulars except that  the real victim in that case was shot in the stomach while home in bed, and was not actually Bill O'Reilly.)

Congrats to Grish for being the first to name that sexual harasser!

Now, name the Townhall wingnut who said the following:

1.  This wingnut writes to the Dean of Marquette University and orders him to refund the tuition paid by College Republicans.  See, the university claims to be a Catholic institution, and yet it wouldn't allow the patriotic young Catholic Republicans to sell bracelets bearing the motto "1 Shot 1 Kill No Remorse I Decide" just because they don't think that's what bracelet Jesus would wear.  And if the university doesn't give the kids back their money, then this pundit is going to urge his young acolytes to hold a sit-in.  And he could do it, you know!

I placed two calls to your administration in the last week seeking verification of these accusations. No one seems to take my calls seriously.

[...]

Finally, Dean McCarthy, I apologize if the title of my letter suggests a comparison between you and Senator Joe McCarthy. Such a comparison is unfair. Senator McCarthy’s patriotism and love of country were beyond question.

I find it very hard to believe that nobody at Marquette would take this pundit's calls seriously.

2.  This pundit writes about how the Democrats are all a bunch of bawl babies who just won't suckit up when they are maligned by the Republicans. 

And our young pundit writes from the moral high ground, having demonstrated his machismo (and the courage of his convictions) by enlisting in the Marines and serving in Iraq. 

 No, wait, instead he wrote a book whining about how some of his college professors said things he doesn't agree with, and then signed up for more higher education.

Somebody call the waaaambulance.  Realizing that they’re losing the political battle, the Democrats have fallen back on their last resort: weeping.  Or as liberals like to call it, “the nuclear option.”  Senator Harry Reid of Nevada is crying mad at the Republican National Committee for calling him an “obstructionist” in a research document distributed to a million Republican activists across the country. 

[...]

Playing the victim of a political drive-by became popular in the 1990s with President Clinton’s faux despair over the “politics of personal destruction.”  Of course, Clinton was smarter than any of the current Democratic leaders – he didn’t merely cry and then leave it to the American people to sympathize.  He defended himself by dealing directly with charges leveled against him, even if that meant lying.

3.  What can be said about Ward Churchill that the other wingnut pundits haven't already said?  Well, nothing -- but one can use Churchill to bash John Kerry and Hillary Clinton, because, uh . . . well, because it's fun.

Churchill already has a phony lineage and phony war record – just like John Kerry! (Someone should also check out Churchill's claim that he spent Christmas 1968 at Wounded Knee.) [...]

Come to think of it, Churchill could give Hillary a run for her money. All that's left for Churchill to do now is meet with Al Sharpton and kiss Suha Arafat.

4.  What can be said about ex-CNN exec Eason Jordan that the other wingnuts haven't already said?

Well, one could explain what blogs are, I suppose, and then say something like, "Other people may want to wait for facts, but *I* happen to believe that eating babies is WRONG!  So let's intern the mainstream meda."

For the past week, Internet weblogs ("blogs") around the world have been buzzing about outrageous comments regarding American soldiers reportedly made by Jordan, the head of CNN's news division, at a World Economic Forum gathering in Davos, Switzerland.

[...]

Now, who is more deserving of the benefit of the doubt? Eason Jordan or our men and women on the battlefield?

 I support the troops.

5.  This wingnut's column is part MCXXXIV in his continuing series that seeks to explain why Judeo-Christian values are the best values in the world.  This week's reason: because Judeo-Christian values keep animals in their place.

Those who oppose vivisection and believe it is immoral to kill animals for any reason, including eating, should reflect on this: While there are strong links between cruelty to animals and cruelty to humans, there are no links between kindness to animals and kindness to humans. Kindness to animals has no effect on a person's treatment of people.

One might tend to believe that kind people are kind to all of God's creatures (including humans), but if nobody has actually studied this, then it hasn't been proven.

The Nazis, the cruelest group in modern history, were also the most pro-animal rights group prior to the contemporary period. They outlawed experimentation on animals and made legal experimentation on human beings.

And if Nazis were pro-kindness to animals, then you know that God must be against it.

6.  From a column about how Jesus, the original Donald Trump, advocated being salty.

Jesus’ sermons were also saline-based. I have no idea how Christ’s words got turned into these non-offensive Rodney King-like pleas for group hugs. If you actually read the things He said, most of it involved busting someone’s chops. His brackish speech towards self-righteous hypocrites, His verbal scathing of cocky politicians and His forehead-thumping quips for his narcissistic disciples makes the Dennis Miller Show look lame.

Um, I don't think we can blame Jesus for making the "Dennis Miller Show" look lame ...

1:29:00 AM