January 4, 2005 by s.z.

Sex, Kamp, and Pure Rocky Spring Water While I was hanging out at Focus on the Family's Brio Magazine, catching up on the lastest advice from Susie ("Dear Susie, I like sports, but my Mom thinks that women's golf is just for lesbians.  What should I do?"), I came across this invitation: Read the first chapterof Joe White's book Pure Excitement, and learn a radical, righteous approach to sex, love and dating. Since I am always interested in learning about righteous sex and radical dating, I read the first part of the PDF.  I was especially impressed by this story: Let me introduce you to a friend of mine with a familiar name. Adolph Coors V.  That name alone buzzes your mind with a jillion wild connotations.  What's the first thought that enterers your imagination about him?  Beer.   Let me help you with a clue: He's 23 years old.  Now how do you picture him?  As a beery 23-year-old. Want another clue? Sure.  I have nothing better to do than picture scions of the Coors dynasty. He's single ... and a well-buffed athlete to boot.  Got a picture now? He's 6'3" tall and as handsome as a moddel.  He has a smile that could melt ice in a Chicago winter. Got a better picture? I sure do!  Adolph Coors V and author Joe White, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. Before you get too carried away, let me paint the real portrait at the risk of bursting your bubble of expectation. So, it's NOT a story about a mature man's love for a young, buffed, handsome beer heir? Adolph goes by the name of Shane.  Yes, he's a Coors; yes, he's an heir to the Coors brewery throne.  But because of his dad's convictions, their branch was pulled off the family business tree when Shane was young.  Shane is as rare as a pearl in an oyster shell.  He's a strongly committed Christian, doesn't drink a drop of alcohol, possesses his virginity with humble security, and will soon (at the time of this writing) marry the first girl he's ever loved. Shane Coors, Rebecca Hurst, and I work together and have spent the last two weeks running around America, recruiting staff for our summer camps.  Between university visits, we discussed the upcoming wedding and all the hoopla ceremonial details, ornamental traditions and expectations that accompany the matrimonial extravaganza. Yes, we also discussed the honeymoon.  As we sped down the road on our van at midnight, somewhere between Kansas City and my Ozark home, those two lovebirds and I played in our minds with the fun, the anxieties, and the expectations of a Christ-centered honeymoon.  Soon those two unspoiled lovers, passionately attracted yet purposely naive, would discover God's carefully designed plan of indescribable splendor through spiritual, emotional, and physical oneness. A romantic novel couldn't have improved the scene in the bucket seat beside me.  Rebecca sat on Shane's lap, Uh oh!  I thought there was to be no physical touching until after the vows were taken. with her beautiful, brown eyes sparkling like diamonds, as I tried to describe the adventure that awaited them.  Her dimples revealed her pleasure as she squeezed her fiance's hand tightly. And then her cherry-like nipples revealed her excitement as I decribed how Shane's muscular body would straddle her, his hard, sinewy thighs rubbing against her smooth white skin.  And then his man organ would . . . Anyway, anybody else find it kind of creepy how this middle-aged guy is spending all this time telling his twenty-something employees about what their honeymoon will be like? Shane's patient demeanor gave her great security, and the Spirit of God that filled her heart enveloped her dreams with peace and harmony. In my heart, I desire intently that their scenario could be yours. [...] Yes, Rebecca and Shane's romance would make even the hardest heart long for a similar personal encounter.  And maybe theirs is a love story that seems rare in this condom-crazed, sexually distorted society we've created. But I've seen too many thousands of similar relationships bloom before my eyes to be superficial when I say "This love story could be for you."  God didn't reserve true love only for the perfect; But he reserved the BEST love for attractive, rich, untouched young people like Shane and Rebecca.  He reserved it for the willing.  Great honeymoons don't require halos; they simply require legitimately forgiven hearts and well-instructed intentions. And some handcuffs and some Astroglide.  But hey, no condoms! Anyway, I did some research and found that Joe runs Kanakuk Kamps - Christian Summer Sports Camps for Kids ("Exciting Adventures in Christian Athletics" TM), based out of Branson, MO.  He is also head of the Kanakuk Ministries, which puts on "Pure Excitement" chastity revival shows for teens, and "After Dark" programs for college students.  (The After Dark Shows aren't what you think, you pervert!) Here's part of his bio: Joe White is a former 2-year starting defensive tackle for the SMU Mustangs and Coach, Texas A & M University. He is a frequent guest on Focus on the Family. Joe also speaks at NFL football and professional baseball chapels. Why didn't anyone ever tell Doug Giles that there were NFL and professional baseball chapels?  Man, all this time he has been preaching in a hotel, when he could have been preaching in the NFL Crystal Cathedral.  No wonder Dirty Harry never comes to Doug's worship services!  Anyway, you can now see why Joe was giving young Adolph/Shane and Rebecca the birds and the bees talk instead of their parents: because, as a former Texas A & M coach, he has more experience in instructing young people in the mechanics of sex. I wanted to find out if Shane and Rebecca actually did get married like planned (and if Joe went along to coach them on their honeymoon), but couldn't find anything.  I did learn more about Shane's dad, Adolph IV, though. Here's his offical bio: Adolph Coors IV is a Colorado native and the great-grandson of Adolph Herman Joseph Coors, who, in 1873, founded the Adolph Coors Company which has grown into one of the largest breweries in the world. Mr. Coors spent three years in the United States Marine Corps as a cold weather survival training instructor, at the Marine Corps’ Mountain Warfare Training Center, located in northern California. He graduated from the University of Denver School of Business, and worked two years with the Wall Street firm of Shearson Hammill & Co. as a Commodity Specialist. In addition, for over ten years, Mr. Coors worked for the Adolph Coors Company in various departments, including Administration, Sales, Marketing, Quality Control, Brewing, R&D, and Financial Planning. He left his family brewing business in 1979 in order to become the investment advisor for his immediate family. He later founded the national marketing company of ADCO Enterprises. Mr. Coors served on the Board of Prison Fellowship, an international prison ministry founded by Chuck Colson. He served on the Advisory Board of the Family Ministry of Campus Crusade for Christ, and he has been on the Board of Kanakuk Kamps, a Christian camp for boys and girls, located in Branson, MO. I guess we now know how Shane got that job with Joe's Kanakuk Kamps (and it wasn't just his modell-like good looks, and his ice-melting smile). But Adolph IV has several versions of his bio out there.  The inspirational, evangelical one tells how he always thought that he'd be head of Coors Brewing like his dad Adolph III, whom he "literally idolized."  But then father was murdered when Adolph IV was a young teen, his mother became an alcoholic, and Ad (as he prefers to be called) became a rebellious, wild-living jerk who joined the military to get away from home -- and boozed it up all while he was there.  When he got out, he married his high-school sweetheart, got the job on Wall Street, and "sank millions into stocks, bonds and real estate. He ended up facing personal bankruptcy." That's when he joined the family firm -- because when you screw up, they have to take you in.  However, there were problems there too -- "He worked around the clock, neglecting his wife and their young son." In 1975, he seperated from his wife.  "But then he heard an evangelist speak in downtown Denver. Salvation and true happiness come only through Christ, the man told his listeners. The message struck a chord with Coors. He went home to B.J. and started a new life." In 1979, "he left the Coors corporation to start Denver Outreach Ministry, now known as the Adolph Coors IV Evangelistic Association."    (So, that story about leaving Coors to be an "investment advisor" is probably just what they told the stockholders.) And the happy ending to the story is that he forgave the man who killed his family, and lived happily ever after, thanks to that trustfund ... I mean, Jesus. Adolph Coors IV, Adolph Coors V ("Shane") and Chip now lead an international Christian ministry that is dedicated to helping individuals and families develop personal relationships with Jesus Christ. "We could not be happier," says Adolph Coors. Yes, it's all the stuff glossed over in the official bio that make Ad a very popular speaker for your prayer breakfast, Day of Prayer breakfast, or Church fund raiser.  Keep that in mind if you ever want to be part of the prayer breakfast speaking circuit. And, just for fun, here's part of the story of what the other branch of the Coors family has been up to (per a review of Dan Baum's Citizen Coors at Philanthropy Roundtable The Coors family, like many Western entrepreneurs, was conservative with a strong faith in the free enterprise system. They were also skeptical of the state, seeing Prohibition as a government plot to destroy successful businesses like theirs. But it wasn’t until Joseph Coors (born in 1915) found a copy of Russell Kirk’s The Conservative Mind in 1953 that he became a movement conservative. For the next two decades, according to Baum, Joseph Coors tried to figure out ways to advance the conservative cause. Coors Brewing sponsored radio broadcasts produced by Ronald Reagan in the mid–1960s. Joseph Coors also served a contentious term as a regent of the University of Colorado in the late 1960s, and attempted to combat campus radicalism. But after his adventure in university politics, Coors decided that life in the political arena was not for him. He wrote to one of his senators, Republican Gordon Allott, offering to support conservative groups. The letter landed on the desk of Allott’s press secretary, Paul Weyrich, who definitely had some ideas. And the rest is history.  Or rather, the history of the Heritage Foundation and the Free Congress Foundation. So, I guess the Adolph series (models III through V, at least) are the good branch of this family tree. And I hope you are going to join Shane and Rebecca at Christian Sports Camp this summer, so you too can find a love like theirs. 5:40:33 AM

Now, Who Said This? Oh, right. I’d promised Hugh Hewitt I would pose My Size Barbie with his new book. I got a copy at the office today, so I can make good on my promise. We will have many such pictures. First in the series, it’s Barbie in [****'s] bathtub, in a picture I call The Ophelia of the Blogosphere. Here's the accompanying photo: Posting photos of a drowned My Size Barbie holding a copy of Hugh's book is not at all strange, so quit looking at him like that! 3:56:05 AM

Who Said It? (Answers) As Clif noted, our last Mystery Guest (the one who was horrified to see teens hanging out in a mall ) was "that wanker twit" John Derbyshire.  Here's Clif's prize: a new Corner post from Derb: TORTURE, MURDER & GONZALES [John Derbyshire] "Sen. John Warner (R-VA) chairman of the Senate Armed Services Committee has said making the videos [of Iraqi prisoners in U.S. custody being insulted and humiliated] public might endanger more men and women serving in the armed forces in Iraq." But, hey, what does that matter, if we can keep conservatives off the federal bench? "Sen. Carl Levin (D-MI), the ranking Democrat on the Senate Armed Services Committee, said the videos should be made public and that they proved to him that there was an organized policy of abusing prisoners to get information -- approved by the White House." Define "abusing." Some of these prisoners are ruthless terrorists with the blood of Americans -- and, of course, many Iraqis -- on their hands. Most of them have done something or other to end up in custody. If U.S. interrogators yell at them, is that "abuse"? If they threaten or intimidate them, is that "abuse"? If they prevent them going to the bathroom for a couple of hours, is that "abuse"? If they smack them upside the head, is that "abuse"? If they sodomize a detainee with a chemical light, is that abuse?  If they use dogs to terrorize and attack detainees, is that abuse?  If they twist the testicles of detainees, is that abuse?  If they beat detainees to death, is that abuse?  I guess it all depends on how you define "abuse," and since Derb is doing the defining, it apparently isn't abuse. Oh, and "most of them" have done something that would cause them to be detained -- such as being in the wrong place at the wrong time.  And hey, that means that most of them deserve whatever they get.  As for the rest, well, you can't make an omelet without smacking around a few innocents. Nobody seems much interested in drawing lines here. There's a lot of loose talk about "torture" and even, from the more hysterical kind of commentators, "murder" of Iraqi prisoners by U.S. troops. I have seen evidence of some disgraceful and un-soldierly behavior by U.S. troops, for which the persons suspected have been arrested and will be tried and punished. I have not seen any evidence of "torture" (ripping out fingernails, applying blowtorches to flesh) or "murder" (killing). Where is that evidence? Where is it? From the Taguba report: REGARDING PART ONE OF THE INVESTIGATION, I MAKE THE FOLLOWING SPECIFIC FINDINGS OF FACT: 5. (S) That between October and December 2003, at the Abu Ghraib Confinement Facility (BCCF), numerous incidents of sadistic, blatant, and wanton criminal abuses were inflicted on several detainees. This systemic and illegal abuse of detainees was intentionally perpetrated by several members of the military police guard force (372nd Military Police Company, 320th Military Police Battalion, 800th MP Brigade), in Tier (section) 1-A of the Abu Ghraib Prison (BCCF). The allegations of abuse were substantiated by detailed witness statements (ANNEX 26) and the discovery of extremely graphic photographic evidence. Due to the extremely sensitive nature of these photographs and videos, the ongoing CID investigation, and the potential for the criminal prosecution of several suspects, the photographic evidence is not included in the body of my investigation. The pictures and videos are available from the Criminal Investigative Command and the CTJF-7 prosecution team. I think lawyers consider scores of detailed witness statements and graphic photos and videos to be "evidence." From Google: GIs Charged In Detainee Death CBS/AP) Three U.S. soldiers have been charged in the drowning death of an Iraqi man who was forced to jump off a bridge into the Tigris River north of Baghdad in January, the military said Friday. Navy Charges Three More SEALs in Iraq Prisoner Abuse [...] The charges against the three SEALs are assault, aggravated assault with intent to cause death or serious bodily harm, conduct unbecoming, obstruction of justice, assault with a dangerous weapon, maltreatment of detainees, dereliction of duty and failure to report abuse to superior authorities. Navy SEAL Lieutenants Face Hearings The officer scheduled to appear at Tuesday's hearing was accused of punching Manadel al-Jamadi and allowing other Navy personnel to abuse the prisoner, according to a charge sheet released by the Navy. [...] On Thursday, the other lieutenant will face allegations that he kicked, choked and twisted the testicles on prisoners in Iraq in incidents from October 2003 to April 2004.  Charges urged in deaths of detainees Army investigators have recommended that negligent homicide charges be filed against at least three Army Reserve soldiers, including a captain, from an Ohio-based Military Police unit for their alleged role in the beating deaths of two prisoners in Afghanistan, Pentagon officials said yesterday. CIA contractor charged in prisoner's death  A contractor for the CIA was charged Thursday in connection with the beating death of a prisoner in Afghanistan Etc.  So, is Derb suggesting that the military charges its members with aggravated assault and homicide without any evidence?  (Personally, I'd say that the dead bodies might constitute evidence, but apparently not to Derb.) The level of cant here is sickening.  Posted at 07:26 AM   Well, something here is certainly sickening.  In any case, the fact that John Derbyshire continues to write for the NRO certainly says something about not just the values and ethics of this publication, but also about the level of knowledge and competence that it takes to work there. And, as Scott Robinson and several of the rest of you said, our bonus Mystery Guest was marriage expert Rush Limbaugh .  (I guess that lack of orientation explains a lot about why own marriages didn't work out.)  Not that there's anything wrong with being fabulous, of course . . . 3:51:48 AM