January 18, 2005 by s.z.

Monster Chiller Horror Theater, With Count Floyd

We were having a hard time finding something really wingnutty to comment on today.  The Washington Times, Townhall, WorldNetDaily, even Renew America were tried and found wanting.  Were we becoming jaded, or even worse, habituated to right-wing lunacy?  It began to seem that way.  And then we found this piece at TechCentralStation which likens liberals to movie monsters, and all was right with the world again (so to speak). 

The Monster and the Nursery  
By Douglas Kern  

Monsters, like leftists, don't reproduce naturally.  Ordinary uncontraceived heterosexual relations do not create little vampires and zombies.

Well, ordinary contraceived sex doesn't create vampires and zombies either -- but around here, the uncontraceived kind does seem to result in lots of little monsters

Monsters perpetuate themselves through blasphemous acts, like assembling dead body parts into human form, or sharing ancient curses through biting. Indeed, much of the pathos inherent in horror movies and fiction springs from the parasitic manner in which monsters absorb non-monsters into their unholy fold.

[Skip the part about Godzilla, Jason, and Freddie being not reproducing and being sympathetic monsters, presumably because they aren't, you know, doing it.]

Generally, though, monsters reproduce by hijacking the bodies and souls of the living - or by crafting perverse facsimiles of themselves that inevitably turn against them. Just like the Left!

 By now, it's a right-wing pundit cliché to point out that birth rates on the Left are plummeting rapidly. Over in flawlessly liberal Europe, the non-Arab population treats childbearing the way the Atkins diet treats carbohydrates. Here in the states, the reproduction rates among the Religious Right - and in the red states generally - greatly outpace the reproduction rates of our over-educated latte-sipping superiors. But in one-man one-vote democracies, small populations either discard their political power, or discard democracy.

This is the first part of Doug's thesis: the only good, pure, and holy way to perpetuate one's political philosophy is by breeding lots of young 'uns and then keeping them locked in the basement so they won't be exposed to any outside ideas. 

You know, that does reminds me of a horror film.  It's kind of like The Hills Have Eyes and The Brood and The Sound of Music.  But I think it's time Hollywood made a new version of the story -- maybe they could call it Village of the Damned Republicans.  

But back to Doug, who has now reached the part in the movie where he says, "They called me mad, MAD!  But I'll show them!"

What's a non-reproducing leftie to do? Discarding leftism is out. Having more … ick … children … with their stinky diapers and expensive college educations and drain on the world's limited resources and whiny tantrums right in the middle of All Things Considered … is out, too. So the Left is, er, left with two options for ensuring the survival of their ideology: the Bride of Frankenstein option and the Dracula option.The Bride of Frankenstein option is immigration. By importing hordes of proto-citizens unassimilated into the prevailing culture, the Left hopes to create an overclass of ethnic leaders dependent on affirmative action and government jobs to maintain their mandarin status. [...]

The problem, of course, is that the Bride of Frankenstein reviles the monster it was created to marry. The Europeans are learning to their horror that their Arab immigrants detest and revile the socially liberal ideology that their presence permits.

To be fair, Arab immigrants in Europe aren't exactly clamoring for subscriptions to TechCentralStation either.

Similarly, the American left is discovering that most blacks and Hispanics want no part of the radically heterodox morality that leftist intellectuals promulgate.

Blacks are presumably considered immigrants because most of their ancestors came here only a couple of hundred years ago. 

The innate social conservatism of American minorities will push them to the social Right - not as quickly as conservative immigration cheerleaders would have you believe, and not before contemporary minority leaders inflict serious damage on America from the Left, but soon enough to dash the hopes of a liberal legacy.

To recap: since liberals aren't having enough children to match the reproduction rate of conservatives, they must, like Frankenstein's monster, demand that their creator (God?) make a mate for them out body parts taken from corpses (Hispanics and blacks) -- and mad Dr. Pretorius (capitalism?) also requires the creation of a bride (immigration).  However, just as the Bride of Frankenstein rejected the monster (which resulted in them both dying in the burning castle), so will immigrants reject the mores of the left (which won't work out too well for them either).  However, God will escape with Elizabeth (women's sufferage), so there is still a semi-happy ending.

The remaining option is the Dracula option: the hijacking of little red-state kids through academia and the mass media. It's the lament of conservatives since time out of mind, and it's the plot of Tom Wolfe's latest novel: every year, conservative families spend outrageous sums in order to send their smartest, most capable children to elite colleges, wherein radical leftists brainwash them into newly-minted blue-staters.

So, Charlotte Simmons is actually the Bride of Dracula.  Now all those rather creepy sex scenes make sense!

Anyway, that is the second part of Doug's thesis: that while rightists reproduce themselves via good, old-fashioned intercourse, leftists, like vampires and Frankenstein, reproduce via dark, unholy acts, suchs as education and immigration. 

And the less-capable red-state kids hear the siren call of leftist values every time they flip the "on" switch on the idiot box. Prime-time television and the network news highlight the glamour and appeal of liberal places, beliefs, and lifestyles, while conservative values are either ridiculed ("dumb old Dad"), reviled ("The priest did it? The businessman was corrupt? Who'd've guessed?"), dismissed ("We at CBS News stand by our story"), or ignored (insert any aspect of religious life here). The old song is still mostly true: How ya gonna keep 'em down on the farm, after they've seen a TV show about Paree?

Well, speaking as a liberal (and therefore, a vampire), I don't want the blood of those less-capable red-state kids.  Please keep them from watching our TV, so they won't try to join our elite culture or come to Paree.

In the movies and in the book, Dracula dies when a stake is driven through his heart. Sadly, we won't be staking Harvard or CBS anytime soon. But there's another way to kill a vampire: starve him. Without fresh blood, vampires wither into irrelevance. At the beginning of Bram Stoker's Dracula, Dracula was weak and enfeebled for want of fresh blood. Keep the fresh blood away, and the vampire ceases to be a problem.

Another thing that works against vampires is holy water (but only if you genuinely have faith, and aren't just trying to use the trapping of religion as a weapon).  Silver works too.  And garlic.  Oh, and vampires can't enter your home if they're not invited in.  So, maybe rightists could try genuinely practicing religion, paying colleges not to accept their children, eating more ethnic food, and not having a TV in their home -- then maybe they'd be safe.

The process of starving the leftist vampires is already underway. The readership of mainstream newspapers is declining, even as the major networks suffer drops in their ratings. Cable TV and the Internet allow ordinary people to enjoy news and entertainment free of the vampiric taint.

Cable TV and the Internet allow ordinary people (conservatives) to enjoy porn in their own homes without the shame of going to an adult bookstore.  

Seriously, a lot more ordinary people are using cable TV and the Internet for porn than they are for Fox News and InstaPundit.

Similarly, the massive rise in college tuitions will eventually compel red-state America to find alternatives to the elite college monopoly. In the next 20 to 30 years, Internet schooling will grow more effective, more affordable, and more selective.

Hey, an "affordable" Internet school -- what a great idea!  I think I'll start one called "World O'Crap Academy."  For just $100 a month, I promise to teach your kids the best that WorldNetDaily, BushCountryOrg, NewsMax, TownHall, and the NRO's Corner have to offer.  And for you parents, there is "Porno Academy," where we will teach you how to make more little conservatives.

We will soon see Internet universities with competitive acceptance.

Uh huh.  I really believe this.

Red-state community colleges and commuter schools will improve their ability to provide practical, no-frills, undergraduate-focused educations at reasonable prices that the bloated blue-state schools cannot match.

But sadly, 100% of their coeds will be sluts, as Derb's friend taught us last week.  And since sex isn't a family value, I don't think Doug's plan is going to ward off unholy, vampire liberalism as well as he thinks it will.

As more and more middle-class red-state parents send their sharp kids to local and/or Internet-based colleges, the stigma attached to those colleges will be broken - and the power of the Academic Left to produce bright new leftists will decline precipitously.

Hey, last I heard, NotJenna Bush still didn't have any plans for the future.  If the President would send her to Internet-based grad school, it could really help to break the stigma and power of the Academic Left.  Or, better still, she can be one of my T.A's at World O'Crap Academy. 

Anyway, I hope she gives it some thought -- because, as a graduate of Yale (or Harvard or one of those other elite, liberal schools), you know that she has already drunk the blood of the living.

6:37:37 AM