November 13, 2004 by s.z.

Conservative Mauled by Alan Colmes! If you write a whole column complaining about how you were brutalized by Alan Colmes, you must be trying out for the "Sissy of the Year" award or something.   I assume that was Mike Thompson's goal with his Human Events Online piece about how Colmes was mean to him when Mike was a guest on his radio program.  And since this is Mike's version of the story (the one where he makes all the witty rejoinders that he didn't think of until the next day), one can only imagine how pathetic the real exchange of words actually was. See, Thompson is the guy who wrote that piece ("Declaration of Expulsion") about kicking the blue states out of the Union -- and much to his chagrin, liberals not only didn't "get" his comedic brilliance, they liked the idea, claiming that they're sick and tired of having to support those lazy red states, and would be happy to form their own nation (the big meanies)!  And then Alan invited Mike to appear on his program, only to characterize him as intolerant, to interrupt him, and to presumably beat him within an inch of his life!  It's enough to make a grown man whine. My on-air "15 minutes of fame" would mushroom into 45 minutes of defamation: "Why are you so intolerant of liberals?" asked Herr Colmes, who apparently had forgotten that he was supposed to ask me when I had stopped beating my wife. I explained to him factually that more liberals than conservatives publicly are advocating dissolution of the Union, and that the issue, in either event, is not intolerance but rather insolubility--that is, there is no middle ground, no compromise possible on most CultureWar issues. While I don't know about the "factualness" of Thompson's claim that more liberals than conservatives are "advocating dissolution of the Union," I do know that the conservatives thought of the idea first. Way before Mr. Thompson wrote his "slightly satiric" piece about expelling some states, the League of the South was calling for the South to secede so it could practice racism in peace. The group Christian Exodus also came up with a plan which involved a bunch of Christians immigrating to southern states, and then seceding so they could ban abortions and homosexuality in peace (as revealed in the the Dark Window exposé "One Nation Indivisible with Liberty and No Homos for All").  Of course, those groups would have been PROUD to have had Alan Colmes call them intolerant. "That's exactly what intolerance is!" asserted the intolerant talkmeister. "Listen carefully, Alan," I urged. "If you want Congress to pass a 10-dollar minimum wage and I want an eight-dollar cap, it's possible for us to compromise at nine dollars. But how do we compromise on abortion? Shall we kill only half as many babies? How about banning late term abortions except when the health of the mother is jeopardized, requiring parental notification except in cases when a judge rules that there are circumstances which make it inadvisable, doing a bunch of things (besides "abstinence only education") to help prevent unwelcome pregnancies, and implementing policies that make it easier for working class people to raise children?  You know, the compromises that people have been talking about for years? Shall we allow a lesbian to marry a lesbian but forbid a man to marry a man? We could compromise with that "legal domestic partnership" thing that President Bush is said to favor. There are too many of these insoluble differences between the Red states and the Blue states. Mike, if you can't light a candle, then get the hell out of the kitchen and stop wasting everybody's time with your stupid columns.  I can't believe how intolerant you are!" screamed Alan. This is another case which seems to prove the widely held belief that Colmes is just too meek and mild to represent the liberal side.  See, I would have smacked Mike up the side of the head for being an idiot instead of screaming at him for being intolerant.  Soon a self-identified lesbian called in breathlessly to confess "intense fear of intolerant Red states." (Why, I thought, was she phoning a radio show in the middle of the night instead of her local 911 operator?) The perceptive host again verbally pounced on me, his guest, who safely lives in the brimstone warmth of Red Florida: "Do you think, Mr. Thompson, that this woman is evil or immoral?" "Alan, I have no idea who the woman is," I answered. "I have just met her anonymously over the phone. All I know is that she has made a bad choice of lifestyle, because lesbians have a documented higher rate of alcoholism, a higher rate of mental problems and a higher rate of suicide than heterosexual women." And Mike made a bad choice of lifestyle by being born stupid, because stupid people have a documented higher rate saying stuff like this than do smart people. Anyway, apparently Alan mishears Mike, and yells at him for saying that lesbians have higher "rapes."  At least, that's what Mike claims -- and it really hurt Mike's feelings that Alan would think he said something that intolerant.  But then Alan changes the subject. With no apology to his mystified guest, Alan disconnected the lesbian's call and radically changed the subject: "Do you think John Kerry is a traitor?" "Yes, Alan. One who commits treason," I observed coolly, "by definition is a traitor. Kerry went to Paris and consulted with our Communist Vietnam enemies, not with U.S. Secretary of State Henry Kissinger. Subsequently, Kerry publicly endorsed the outrageous Communist 'peace plan,' not his own country's plan. "In uniform, Kerry during the war and under oath before the U.S. Senate also accused his fellow American soldiers of indiscriminately raping and killing Vietnamese civilians and destroying their villages just for the fun of it--false charges that were welcomed and used by the Communist nation's cruel jailers for years to torture American prisoners. Therefore, Mr. Kerry is a double traitor." So, see, Mike would NEVER say anything stupid and intolerant, like that lesbians commit more rapes than straight women -- no, he would just "observe coolly" that attending a peace meeting is treason, and that testifying that some American soldiers said they committed war crimes is DOUBLE DUTCH treason (even though some of them did say it, and some of them did commit war crimes). But despite Mike's cool suavity, the vicious Alan Colmes attacked him yet again. Unguided-missile Colmes finally reached the smoking-burnout stage, spewing invectives and ridicule at me as fast as his facile, bifurcated tongue could wag. "How can you just sit there and libel a statesman like John Kerry?" he sputtered. And not only that, but Alan wouldn't (or couldn't) respond to Mike's super clever jab about how the Constitution defines treason, and then Colmes cut him off, because the show was over.  Colmes is the Saddam Hussein of talk radio! When I submitted "Declaration of Expulsion," I felt a bit like Jonathan Swift must have when he wrote "A Modest Proposal," a tongue-in-dark-cheek suggestion that the "excess" babies born to Irish Catholics should be eaten by Englishmen as a cheap source of meat. After my 45-minute broadcast encounter with a typical American liberal, however, I believe that expulsion of the most egregiously leftwing states is anything but a slight "joke'; it is, in fact, clearly the serious and necessary path for rescue and revival of the United States of America. Well, Mr. "Swift," I can see that you've been traumatized by your beating by "typical liberal" Alan Colmes.  Maybe the League of the South or Christian Exodus will let you join their secession plan so you can live free of the fear of being mauled by other scary liberals, like Mr. Rogers. ... Unless those groups hear how you got your ass kicked by Alan Colmes.  They don't seem the kind to welcome whiners or pansies. 5:04:20 AM

I Blame Karl Rove Yes, the recent victory of Values over Kerry has not only encouraged Jerry Falwell to launch Moral Majority 2: Wackos on Parade, it's also lent a twisted form of credability to Pat Robertson, who apparently has a new book out.  Oh, the humanity! From Agape Press: Christian Coalition founder Dr. Pat Robertson says an out-of-control federal judiciary is the single-greatest threat to democracy and to the religious and moral foundations of America. I would have blamed "selfishness" or "pride" or "the devil," but it seems that judges are the real reason we're going to hell in a handbasket. In his new book Courting Disaster, Robertson gives examples of how America's federal judges have expanded their authority, reaching far beyond the rights given by the Constitution. Robertson says the abuse of power has taken a toll on the nation. "[Activist federal judges] are bringing our country to disaster because they're taking away all of the protection we have against unbridled sensuality, against materialism," the conservative spokesman says. So, federal judges are supposed to be protecting us from sensuality and materialism???  Not that I'm accusing Pat of being a wingnut or anything, but I can't remember reading that in any constitution (or even in the Bible).  And isn't "self reliance" a big part of the conservative credo? In any case, Pat, who advocated blowing up the State Department's headquarters a few months ago, also predicts a revolution against the courts.  Presumably, the "Turner Diaries" gives a more detailed plan for the uprising. "The courts ... are out of control -- and sooner or later, somebody's going to say 'we've had enough of this' and there will be some sort of a revolution against it," he says. Maybe Pat will get to be in charge of the explosives. Oh, and speaking of real-life Indiana Joneses, Batholomew has an update on what our old friend Jack Wheeler has been up to: accusing an entire ethnic group of having sex with young boys.  No wonder this right-wing action hero has made friends all over the world! So, which big-budget Hollywood movie do you think will gross more during its first week's run: the one about Tim LaHaye's real-life Indiana Jones, Michael Murphy, or the Sylvestor Stallone one about real real-life "Indiana Jones of the Right," Jack Wheeler?  Personally, I'm putting my money on the Doug Giles flick (even if I have to produce it myself) because he is the most manly evangelical right-wing action hero there ever was (while he's not an archeologist, he is a "big game hunter and shark master," and you can't get more manly that that). Bartholomew did some research into Doug's Church, and discovered that Doug's bio at the Clash Church site now says that his hobbies include "a bunch of other things which incorporate running, screaming, yelling, and potentially breaking bones with his family and friends."  Um, sounds like something the police should investigate.  But while Doug does 'fess up about jerking slack, Bartholomew notes that Doug doesn't appear too anxious to tell you exactly what denomination or "brand" the Clash Church happens to be -- except that it has something to do with infiltrating cruddy cultures (like the one found at Townhall).  And that reminds us that we never got around to studying Doug's last Townhall column about spanking.  So, here's a condensed version: What a spanking Kerry and Edwards received—eh?  After the liberal media’s axis of drivel ...vilification of Bush.  The lunatic uber-liberal lug nuts ... With all the support for him from: · Has-been Jurassic rock stars, · Gold-toothed gangsta rappers, · Bleached-blond MTV male thugs, · Bisexual lip-syncing tarts, · A chunky female country singer, · Hollywood, with its swing clubs and Hustler superstores, ... ... the Dim-o-crats ended up more off base with their campaign than Carl Crawford on a wild pitch. Look, I’m sure that the aforementioned Kerry cabal has a lot to say regarding: · Buying a Bentley, · Conducting an orgy, · The preeminent natural herb for curbing the side effects of herpes, · How to pick out the right stripper and midget for a ménage à trois, · Where to get nice leather pants, · Which silicone company produces the best butt implants, · Where to buy Viagra by volume, · How to drink alcohol like Otis on Mayberry RFD, · How to redistribute someone else’s wealth to pimps, whores and welfare brats, Okay, let's stop for a moment and consider this last point, since it seems a rather odd one for an avowed follower of Jesus Christ to be making.  We won't get into Jesus' words about motes and beams, or "he who is without sin," nor will we remind you how it was the pharisees who bashed Jesus for hanging out with pimps and whores.  No, we'll just consider the Chritianity of blaming children for being poor and needing food.  Yeah, "welfare brats" sounds just like what Jesus would have called those little children he said to suffer not. My ClashPoint is this: Kerry and his radical freak constituency just did not resonate with us unenlightened rabble.  ... all of this has concluded with Bush stomping Kerry like a cockroach.  My ClashPoint is this: Doug has not only infilitrated the "crappy culture," he's helped to make it a lot more crappy.  Way to go, Doug!  Oh, and Doug, if you consider getting slightly more of the popular vote to be how one "stomps cockroaches," I have to assume that your method of hunting big game involves lying about its medals for valor. 2:02:42 AM